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 +3Posted on Jan 23rd, 2013 | re: The Perfect Crime: Saggy Pants (28 comments)

a) What’s the cop so worried about? Have you ever seen anyone with their pants in this state of affairs trying to run from the police? 1) comical 2) difficult

b) Who’s letting the Black Mental Health Alliance group-of people-who-don’t-actually-exist-thingy 1) interpret laws 2) waste grant money on commercials?

Hey, if you all ain’t got nothin better to do than interpret laws and make commercials, and are all out of crazy black folk in Mass., some other areas of the country got some crazy people from a range of races and ethnicities that you might be able to work on.

 -15Posted on Dec 14th, 2012 | re: The Gummy Awards: Your Favorite TV Shows Of 2012 (43 comments)

First, Louie, yes; this season of WD, yes. Girls, no. American Horror Story is an American horror story. Community and Parks & Rec are the same bad show. Game of Thrones is just another movie channel excuse for soft porn (really, get laid, monsters). Mad Men and Breaking Bad were once very good shows. They’ve jumped the shark. A couple of seasons ago. And Homeland? I can’t even comment on any non-My So Called Life Claire Danes-related project except to comment that they are all terrible.

But the real atrocity here is that there is no Duck Dynasty. No excuse, no excuse.

 +5Posted on Dec 14th, 2012 | re: The Gummy Awards: Your Favorite TV Shows Of 2012 (43 comments)

I have to agree with costco. I was all ready to hate the sh** out of season 3 after the travesty that was season 2, but it is actually kinda compelling. Best season yet.

 0Posted on Sep 28th, 2012 | re: What Should The Possible Downton Abbey Prequel Be Called?! (20 comments)

Ban Debt Now, Yo

Whatever, Norm was the best Weekend Update correspondent ever. Yeah, go ahead an make an argument for Seth, then head over to your One Direction concert (Though it was better when Amy was on. Man, you still can’t believe they got a divorce [She and Will, not Seth]). Or argue for Jimmy and put your toddler (whose name is so clever, but to be honest you just copied your wife’s cousin’s kid’s name, but really you guys had considered that name already, but family get togethers are still a little awkward) to bed. Or argue for Dennis and wish that you weren’t balding because then that hot blond at the bar would actually acknowledge your presence, I mean, Jesus, she didn’t even thank you for the drink.

Oh, you again, how original. But monkeys with eyes do things that they see other monkeys (with or without big eyes) doing. First order troll, though, Steve.
Re: “Not getting it” as an actual response to a post and not a troll of a troll of a troll:
First, you are imposing a logical fallacy on this thread by correlating states (collectively) which contribute less tax revenue to individuals who contribute no federal income tax revenue. Mitt himself was imposing a logical fallacy on his audience by misrepresenting a statistic. Both of you are perfectly “legit” (to use a monkey-word) because, Steve, you are an unapologetic troll and Mitt is an unapologetic politician. So, perfectly forgivable for you two peas to butcher statistics in favor of proving some vague point (I guess in your case, Stevie, to troll for up votes by saying something that you knew would resonate with your audience. . .Hey, wait a minute, Steve! Or should I say, Mitt!?). What I “don’t get” is a) how it has become socially acceptable to just manipulate statistics for one’s own purposes, b) how unevenly people can interpret an event. But still, Steve, good trolling. And, monkeyface, you’re cute.

 +1Posted on Sep 19th, 2012 | re: Duh Aficionado Magazine: Mitt Romney, Like All Politicians, Is An Asshole (88 comments)

I’m gonna do this, only because you provided a thoughtful comment. Normally, I would just leave my attempt to troll (requested above, btw) alone as it stands. I am not legit angry (or legitimately angry). I won’t take exception to your knock on my trolling, because that is the standard response. However, I think that I made it plainly obvious that I am not a Mitt supporter (or advocate or fan or follower or Republican or teapartier or confused elderly person). Though I may be reading your response incorrectly, you seem to imply that I accused Mr. Romney of being honest. I did no such thing. In fact, I believe that I did just the opposite, albeit in an indirect way. I’m not even sure that I used the word “truth”. I was attempting (perhaps ineffectively) to insult both videogum posters (they asked for it, in more ways than one) and Romney. Here’s the real rub, monkey, I do feel like there are some really clever folks on here (way beyond my ability to deliver succinct, appropriate, and comedic quips). But some topics are just cliche in themselves and it really devalues the level of collective intelligence when we all just make obvious comments about easy targets (That Romney is a REAL asshole!, Kim Kardashian shore is stoopid!) So in that there is some honesty in my post, but the rest is pure fakery in the vein of a band actually playing Freebird when some asshole yells out “Play Freebird!” at a concert. Somehow I feel like there are several of those folks among us (been to any concerts lately, bingo?)

I think he means the people (47%) who would be offended if they saw the video of him talking shit about 47% of people. If you are confused, don’t worry, because Mr. Obama is also confused. He apparently thought that Mr. Romney was talking about the 47% of people who voted for Mr. McCain back in ’08. But he wasn’t. He was talking about the 47% of people who would be offended if they saw the video of him talking shit about 47% of people. Apparently, that 47% includes every person who visits this site and posts comments except for this one guy. But he probably isn’t voting for Mr. Romney, either. But I’ll tell you one thing, this whole video fiasco is going to be like stuffy white guy Woodstock. There were probably like 1,000 people at that dinner, but something like 100,000 stuffy white guys are going to claim to have been there. And about eighteen years from now, some douchy fraternity rusher is going to claim to have been born in the ladies pisser at that dinner. Good times, man, good times.

Is it just me, or does the Aquaman look a bit like a youthful Norm MacDonald? The culprit behind this optical illusion? You guessed it: Frank Stallone.

 -1Posted on Sep 18th, 2012 | re: Duh Aficionado Magazine: Mitt Romney, Like All Politicians, Is An Asshole (88 comments)

Re: Hoping someone will troll this thread. . .

Most of these posts have all of the intelligence and thoughtfulness of a bag of marbles into which someone has strategically trapped a fart so that the next person who wants to play him some marbles gets the remnants of some leftover fart. . .

Hey guys, most of us watch the liberal media’s version of the news, so how’s about an original thought oncst in awhile? Huh? Would that kill the shit out of anyone? The thing that you have to respect about that cyborg or android or robot or alien or Mormon (all synonymous, give or take, right?) is that he really just lets you know via leaked video that is several months old how he really sees the world. It’s refreshing, and not at all like opening up a bag of marbles with stale fart in it. So, in summation, in order to properly troll this thread (though admittedly way too late for all of you fickle turds with the attention spans of inbred thoroughbred poodle/wiener mixes) you guys are derivative, shallow, and barely worth the trouble of insulting, which is why Mitt does it in private only on rare occasions. You know, like when you turds say something intelligent.

 -12Posted on Sep 17th, 2012 | re: Oh To Be A Fly On The Wall During This Conversation (32 comments)

Nice, grandpa, an opportunity to jab a Kardashian when there is not even really a Kardashian involved. Another link in the chain of your shackle of Kardashian tyranny. I’m gonna tell you right now, grandpa, this is going to come back on you tenfold. Yeah, tenfold of the misdirected hatred of a bitchy weblogger! Whatever that would mean. I’m sure it’s pretty unbearable. I also don’t want to defend a Kardashian (or certainly be all serious), but Gabe has led me to create the KDFfKOTK (Kardashian Defense Fund for Kardashians Other Than Khloe [because she's a man and she can take care of herself, that's why!]) I will accept donations, 10% of which will go toward defending these poor innocents from the likes of grandpas Gabe & Donald. 10% will go to that weird pants charity (like leopard-print spandex isn’t expensive. Maybe you ladies shouldn’t have spent all your skrilla on those leopard print spandex pants. Also, shop at H&M like the rest of us poor people who want to look appropriate for work.) The rest will go toward compensating eldave for his troubles.

 +10Posted on Sep 13th, 2012 | re: If I Ever Watched An Episode Of Dr. Phil It Would Be This One (38 comments)

I love the unnecessary edits that the producers are using here, like when Mrs. Lohan asks if the cameras are rolling. Really, you had to use that footage to drum up interest? Because there were not enough scenes of her acting like herself? Also, Mr. Lohan asking if Mrs. Lohan had been drinking prior to the interview. That does not seem like an honest question. He had been drinking, she had been drinking, “Dr.” Phil had been drinking. It was probably a requirement of the producers. I would imagine that they (“talent” & crew) were playing several rounds of “asshole” before the cameras even rolled. I thought Dina seemed very pleasant “flitting” around. So what her daughter’s been arrested all those times. Lindsay’s an adult. Why doesn’t the doctor have other parents of felons (hello, Matthew Fox’s folks [assuming they're not dead because I'm too lazy to look]) on to criticize them? Where is Chris Brown’s dad? What, oh, he doesn’t know? My bad. Well, they could at least have on one of his older relatives to berate them extensively.

 0Posted on Sep 13th, 2012 | re: NBC Kind Of Apologizes For Not Observing Moment Of Silence (28 comments)

I’m just gonna throw out that this site and its purveyors are a bit anti-Kardash. I don’t know what happened along the way to start the one-sided feud and why so many of you venerable contributors have decided to join in, but the past few anti-Kardashian posts here have been pretty weak. Feeble, really. I, for one, want to judge people cynically based on their treatment of old, dancing people or explanations for unpopular movie scenes.

Let’s face it, moments of silence are really manipulative and shallow. It’s all a “group-think” ploy to get you to focus on the wrong thing. Let me see, should I be worried more about an event that occurred eleven years ago that most eleven year olds are not even aware of, or should I be worried that those evil Kardashians are infecting our eleven year olds with whatever kind of secret chemical they use to convince people that they are relevant and worthy of publicity (positive or negative)? Seriously, guys, let’s get back to making fun of kids and the elderly, if not white rappers and black actors who used to be rappers.

 +1Posted on Sep 13th, 2012 | re: James Cameron Debunks "Jack Could've Fit On Raft" Meme (16 comments)

I didn’t read the comments from the actual site that broke this breaking news, but the best Cameron can come up with is “buoyancy”? I know that he’s Mr. Oceanexpertpersonguy, but I’m just not buying into that particular explanation. I would have been a lot better off with, “It’s a fucking movie guys, I mean, come on. Geez.”

 0Posted on Sep 12th, 2012 | re: Who Should Play The Mean Girls In Bravo's Heathers Reboot? (34 comments)

Jack Black & one of the Wayans brothers (actually, just let both of the Wayans brothers in there and just have them “tag” in indiscriminately. No one will notice/care). Also, Eddie Murphy & Martin Lawrence should play the mothers (Heathers).

 0Posted on Sep 10th, 2012 | re: Looking Good, Jonah Hill! (27 comments)

I wanted to not like that on account of my Shandling fetish, but that is the best tooth impersonation that I have ever seen. Even better than the Jerry Lewis chinaman teeth. Good eye, bbj, good eye.

 0Posted on Sep 10th, 2012 | re: James Cameron Figures Out How To Keep Making Avatar Forever (30 comments)

I don’t want to ruin it for you, but the blue things are the Indians, but they win (kindof) in this one with the help of the disabled and androids who never seem to die in the other franchise, but just kind of fizzle out conveniently in this one. Total PC bullshit.

 0Posted on Sep 10th, 2012 | re: James Cameron Figures Out How To Keep Making Avatar Forever (30 comments)

I hate to be anal about it, but I think the industry terms is “Total Recall of Dreadatar”.

 0Posted on Sep 10th, 2012 | re: Amanda Bynes Is The New Ms. Cool Disguise (21 comments)

How dare you a) imply that an old, old picture of Tony Clifton is Mr. Tigerblood himself. Tony was little more than a no-talent, abusive addict, while Charlie is an accomplished Hollywood star; b) imply that a picture of Mr. Potatohead (of the Toystory trilogy fame) is Mel “Who Wants to Fucking Eat?” Gibson. So he looks different without his movie makeup, who doesn’t? (Yeah, I know that these are old links. I was perfectly willing to let you have your fun the first time, but this aggression will not stand.) c) not even reference Alec “Fat Pig” Baldwin, whose idea this was to begin with (check the archives and fix the link, dammit).

Also, there is no verifiable evidence that the woman in those “mom” shorts isn’t Miley Cyrus. Also, I thought Amanda Bynes died like two years ago.

 -1Posted on Sep 7th, 2012 | re: Lindsay Lohan Speaks Up For The Invisible (43 comments)

Guys, you are still being a bit harsh. I’m pretty sure that she just saw the President referring to “small business” and misunderstood what he was talking about. . .

 -1Posted on Sep 6th, 2012 | re: CNBC Asks Kim Kardashian For Her Take On The Economy, Obviously (41 comments)

Okay, dicks, that really wasn’t even the context of the question. It’s not like leather-faced, you know she reeks of cigarettes and D&G host lady asked Kim K. to explain the microeconomic climate in the country right now. She basically said, “Hey, Kim, what are the consmoomers buying from your piece of shit store?” (But such a clever name, no? Look me in the balloon eye and tell me you weren’t impressed the first time that you heard the store name. I know, you were like, “No way those dumb bitches came up with that themselves.” But whatever, it’s clever). To which Kim replied, “Well, we are just buying pieces of shit and charging a little less for them. The sheeple are just eating it up. Der, I mean, the shit is quality. It’s good shit, but you know. Stuff.”

Now, I’ll admit that she still sounds like an idiot. Come on, it’s Kim K. Did she all of the sudden jump sixty I.Q. points because she swallowed more. . .er, I mean, all I’m saying is that you guys should cut it out with the misleading criticisms of the media and its flunkies.

 +2Posted on Sep 6th, 2012 | re: CNBC Asks Kim Kardashian For Her Take On The Economy, Obviously (41 comments)

Note to self: Apparently, cancer isn’t funny anymore.

 0Posted on Sep 6th, 2012 | re: The True Face(s) Of Inspirational Politics (30 comments)

Or maybe, I thought Zach Brapfht and Jared Leto died like two years ago.

 0Posted on Sep 6th, 2012 | re: The True Face(s) Of Inspirational Politics (30 comments)

I hate to even say this, but. . .

I think that he is doing his, “This is how Fred Armisen got his own show” routine, but secretly he is just letting the guys that gave Fred a show that he, Zack Braph, is also game. Comrade Leto is just being a real supportive guy in the spirit of liberal brotherhood, like, “See, Zach will totally Armisen you guys for his own show, too.”

Heavy-handed directorial flourish that the entire audience found grating: The red overalls foreshadowed the “accident” all along.

And there you were sitting smugly in your theater seat saying, “Those red overalls look fucking ridiculous.” But then M. Night just regulated on your ass. That’s why he’s M. Night and you’re just some pathetic p.o.s. commenting on a blog/social messaging site tangentially related to visual media.