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dubz
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 +8Posted on Jan 10th, 2012 | re: An Open Letter To Tina Fey Re: Bonding With The Roots (44 comments)

I believe you! Bruce Willis has a history of this.

When I was a kid my father took my sisters and me to Rapids, it’s this massive water park in Florida that I hope for health reasons has now been burned to the ground. And my older sister who is every bit the party pooper went down the water slide wrong (classic my sister!!) and in an asthmatic fury got stuck at the end of the slide with child after child landing on her. And guess who one of those children was?? Yea it was one of the spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore!!!

And then Bruce Willis scooped up my sister!! And delivered her to my dad!! Who’s response was not “Thanks John McLane for saving my asthmatic daughter from drowning!!” but “Wow, great to meet you Bruno! People ask me allll the time if I’m you. I have three daughters too, haha, amiright, daughters??”

No one believes that story, but it happened and has solidified my hatred for water parks and the Willis-Moore Family.

No one also believes that at 11 I almost got kicked out of the warped tour for trying to fight the guy from The All American Rejects.

if you mean in the ability to profit on this by videotaping it and selling it to a reality television production company, or for a more lucrative contract with a porn site, that was never lost upon me.

even when being sincere about our ability to pay for our college educations on our own, the five tarts never appreciated this golden oppurtunity.

so yes, i “realize how hot this sounds”.

long time reader, first time commenter.

you may ask why dubz? [if that is your real rap name!??! (it is.)] why now choose to stop lurking?

i wanted to share with my fellow monsters finally my story, as a child i was that little girl, i literally pee’d myself from my excitement. continually through the trip, i pee’d myself at least 5 times that weekend because i was finally in disney world. i was home.

then 15 years later i packed up the minimal contents of my basement apartment and headed to orlando to work for a anthropomorphic rodent to try and return the favor. i had to move to a state that i swore never to enter again for fear of being eaten by an alligator or contracting a venereal disease, or just as likely to contract a venereal disease from an alligator. i lived in a shitty, insect infested apartment with 5 other girls, most of whom may not have been mentally stable. i worked 50 hour weeks making minimum wage standing around in a disgusting polyester, epulated, pleated “costume” in the florida sun.

and it was still the best time ever because i made magic. although maybe about 40% of the children were genuinely grateful for the expense their parents went through to get them there, or the fact that grown adults acted like complete assholes for their happiness, it was still an overwhelming number.

those damn kids melted my ice cold heart and all i did was high five them wearing disgusting disease ridden rodent gloves and hand them cheap old stickers.

sorry for the rant, but as a “castmember”,and this could get me “terminated”, the one happy little girl in the sea of aggrivated parents and ungrateful rugrats (shout out ^^) made it all worth it.

sorry again, won’t happy again, just very passionate.