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 +26Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 | re: Make Your Ordinary Toilet Paper Extraordinary, And Slightly Damp (37 comments)

Terrence Howard is crying tears…of joy.

 +12Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 | re: Leighton Meester's Non-Sex Tape Equally Embarrassing (42 comments)

This song sounds like it was made for a lot of radio play. This is why I don’t listen to the radio at all.

 0Posted on Jun 22nd, 2009 | re: True Blood: Vampires Be Shoppin'! (37 comments)

Of my many complaints with this show possibly the biggest is that people are like “Oh, these vampires are so sexy!” when no they are not. They are awful. They rip people apart with bare hands and feel no remorse. They have weird secret tribunals where they force people to kill teenage girls. They are sociopaths and I have learned the hard way (or maybe I just learned through common sense) that sociopaths are not sexy.

 +29Posted on Jun 22nd, 2009 | re: World's Best Freakout: A New Internet Classic (57 comments)

Relax, nerd.

 +10Posted on Jun 16th, 2009 | re: Andy Rooney Accidentally Plagiarizes 1981 SNL Parody Of Himself (29 comments)

Let’s see…what happened in 1981. Well, there was – nope, not born.

 +15Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 | re: Andy Rooney Accidentally Plagiarizes 1981 SNL Parody Of Himself (29 comments)

When I’m old I plan on being drunk all day. This is what I like to imagine is up with Andy Rooney.

 +6Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 | re: That's Your Chair: The Divided Salli Saddle Chair Seat (32 comments)

Why does it have too look so much like what I imagine a vagina to look like?

 +4Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 | re: The Time Traveler's Wife Trailer Gives A Lot Away (33 comments)

I wasn’t expecting a weepy drama. It has “Time Travel” in the title!

 -8Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 | re: True Blood: Welcome Back To The Worst Show On Television (44 comments)

True Blood is a terrible television show. It is the television equivalent what would happen if Stephanie Meyer and Hitler had a child who became a television writer and then got both Michael Bay to produce and Ewe Boll to direct.

But now I remember why I watch it.

 +3Posted on Jun 13th, 2009 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (78 comments)

I would like to thank the academy, my parents, and all you that made comments that were less pithy than mine (but not those of you that made comments more pithy than mine) and I would be remiss to not thank Marty (ie: Scorsese) for just giving a guy a chance.

 +7Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 | re: What Is Your Gwyneth Paltrow Name? (95 comments)

Sir Darren Harper, Esq., Earl of Essex, Duke of Dorset, Second Viscount of Pretentionland

 +13Posted on Jun 9th, 2009 | re: The Cleveland Show Is Going To Be Even Worse Than We Thought! (38 comments)

I never thought I’d have the opportunity to say this: but this both sucks and blows at the same time.

 +1Posted on Jun 8th, 2009 | re: That's Your Lawyer: Berger And Green (17 comments)

Obviously this takes place in the same universe as The Last Action Hero.

 +9Posted on Jun 8th, 2009 | re: The New Baby White Tiger Is...Um...Special (19 comments)

Aww, it’s “Radio” in Tiger form!

Um, this weekend my friends and I are getting UK drunk!

 +1Posted on Jun 8th, 2009 | re: Duh Aficionado Magazine: Land Of The Lost Bombed (28 comments)

I blam the fact that I heard a lot about this movie but had no idea that it came out last weekend. I saw a lot of advertisements for it but it seems none of them focused saying: “Hey, this movie comes out June 5th!”

 +13Posted on Jun 5th, 2009 | re: Goodbye To All Of That (29 comments)

If this wasn’t the interwebs I would begin clapping slowly as fellow member of the audience began to join into what would become raucous applause.

Oh, well.

I didn’t like this back in 2000 when this was called Crazy Town and I still don’t.

 +5Posted on Jun 3rd, 2009 | re: When My Man Puts On His Stratos, I Know He's Into Something Ewwwww (12 comments)

Until Smell-o-vision is created I will fail to see the point in perfume commercials. PLEASE, tell me we’ll soon have Smell-o-vision. I’d rather live to see that as opposed to flying cars!

 +23Posted on Jun 3rd, 2009 | re: Kirstie Alley To Legally Change Her Name To "Nom Nom Nom" (55 comments)

Fat chick displaying typical fat chick behavior. Wake me when there’s a story (I’m a douchebag displaying typical douchebag behavior).

He is really good though! But still pants are pants and whether you’re going outside or letting people outside see what you have on inside pants must be worn.

 +11Posted on Jun 1st, 2009 | re: Twilight: New Moon Trailer Reminds Us That Teenagers Are Ridiculous (70 comments)

I think I’ll continue to not give a shit.

 +3Posted on Jun 1st, 2009 | re: Tiny Alien Found In Pakistan Is Probably Barbie (14 comments)

So that’s Pakistani for “all I wanna know…where the gold at?”

 +12Posted on May 18th, 2009 | re: Paris Hilton, Like, Has Feelings Too, Or Whatever (9 comments)

The first thing that comes out of her mouth in the trailer is already untrue. I do not see her as a “Barbie with a perfect life, whatever.” I see her as a completely useless human being who should be ashamed that people (myself included) even give her the time of day, whatever.

 +9Posted on May 18th, 2009 | re: SNL Just The Funny Parts: Hey, It's Everybody! (42 comments)

I thought the ‘Funeral’ sketch was pretty funny. By the time Mya Rudolph came on singing about nachos to the tune of Amazing Grace I began to wonder if someone had secretly drugged me.