There’s this hobo behind my building who’s been planking for days now. Guy’s a goddamn pro.
I was just kidding. Keep your chin up.
For Ebert’s sake.
Meanwhile, Ira Glass is stuck trying to shoehorn a story about organic salad dressing into an overall narrative on post-9/11 milieu.
God, remember being ten years old, you guys? Back then synchronized sand dancing was so much more, I don’t know, real, you know?
“Oh you simply MUST have one of these.”
“Bullying is wrong, y’all. Ok, so this next track is about me raping my ex-wife Kim with a chainsaw.”
Who said what now?
But my binky soaked in ether is still ok, right? RIGHT?
More like BLAMnesty International.
Wait, are we still doing BLAM jokes?
The auto-tuned version of this preemptively hit #12 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and my grandmother has it as her jitterbug ringtone.
What a weird-looking Home Depot.
I brayed like a retarded mule at that line. Or is it BLAM-TARDED MULE?
Don’t joke about this, Gabe. Sting once approached me in a supermarket singing about Fields of Rold Gold and then had tantric sex with my fiance for three days. And that wasn’t even for a commercial.
I googled “chamber pots” as part of my research for a “gabe is old” joke, and instead found this.
Ok, so I clearly misread this as an article about American Apparel for some reason.
And I’m keeping the leggings.
So I still have time to demand a refund on these leggings, then?
My gay friends love her, so I blame them. Thanks a lot, Sebastian and Michael.
Usually it’s the child that’s a little Hellraiser.
“The Bridge to Terabithia was nothing but a turgid discussion of categorical imperatives.” – You
“Let’s take down the Washington establishment.” – Son of a former US Vice President
Hey, T Mills? See this corny motherfucker?
See that old dude? He subsided off of amphetamines and peanut butter, and once wandered (unannounced, mind you) into the White House with a FUCKING GUN, and presented it to the President:
So put the Malibu back in your parent’s pantry, you unoriginal cocksucker and calm the fuck down. You’ll be much cooler.
“I’m not going to change.” – Guy who’s modified his body beyond all recognition