Gwyneth loves Jewish traditions so much that during Seder, she leaves the front door open for her personal trainer, Elijah.

Battlefield Earth.

In Shapiro’s original script, we begin with a long shot of Terl’s (John Travolta) house, where we find him in his death bed. He drops a snow globe, and whispers “Thetans.” The rest of the movies follows a group of journalist-Scientologists trying to find out what “Thetans” referred to. We see the young Terl become a newspaperman and run for SuperPresident of Battlefield Earth, only to lose when people learn he’s having an affair with a young songbird named Kelly Preston.

At the end of the film, as they box up and burn Terl’s accumulation of Earth Valuables, we see them throw a giant bus-stop advertisement into the fire. The camera zooms in, and we read “Thetans” in tiny print on the poster. The End (?)

Okay, here’s the deal: I love dogs, and I own a great-dane mix, and I’m completely a sucker for dog movies, but this thing makes me want to induce Owen Wilson to commit suicide.

“I think, you know what, he may or may not be an asshole, but he certainly is dangerous, and I’d love to have a dialogue with him.”

I do not think you understand what “dialogue” means.

More like Gaberil Fools, amirite?!

/forgot my meds this morning