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nobodynobodyIswear
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PS: I’m terrible.

oh jesus, see, the comment wasn’t posting and I made two different versions of the stupid thing and now all of a sudden both of the stupid comments not to mention the other stupid commments, those also are here and JESUS, WHY DON’T YOU LET ME DELETE THESE THINGS? why, Jesus? I KNOW YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF VIDEOGUM COMMENTS, JESUS. now I’m a horrible commenter and embarrassed forever. stupid Jesus.

hey, so, I didn’t actually mean that stuff about cundela being the worst or splashing faces with the acid stuff, you know, downvoters? in fact I don’t mean pretty much anything I write here. except for the nice stuff. I always mean the nice stuff. sooooooooooooooo. okay. just to reassure you downvoters. who deserve some serious face acid! see? I didn’t mean it.

oh, cundela, I didn’t actually mean it about you being the worst. duh, downvoter, whoever you are, like I ever mean anything I write here. oh, except the nice stuff. I almost always mean that. just not the mean stuff, or the unfunny stuff. DEFINITELY don’t mean the unfunny stuff. just to reassure everyone.

I like how you abbreviate Breaking Bad. looks like “BraBra” on first glance.

clowns are worse than me!

sometimes I like posts so much that I feel like everything to say about an episode of Breaking Bad or about a mentally stupid old man not understanding what rape means has been said so perfectly by so perfect a recapper and commenters that I don’t have anything useful to add, and then I feel like a bad commenter, but there you have it, I think you’re all perfect. except the clown; I don’t like the clown.

 +2Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Barack Obama Secures Powerful Jessica Alba Endorsement (17 comments)

how did you watch it before?

just to let you know how seriously you creep me out, I believe every word of that. man. clowns. honk-honk! fuck.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT STUFF IS. you’re just the worst! I don’t know either, though, so hopefully someone can tell us because there are a couple boys I know who’s faces deserve a little splash with that stuff.

 +9Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Jason Alexander IS Nickelback (23 comments)

honk-honk! you forgot the honk-honk. or do you not do that? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Captain. heh, you make me nervous. because you’re a clown. honk! sorry.

 +5Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

I see. now you’re harassing me! sexually! whom do I sue?

 +6Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE

 +9Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

that was a lie. I could stop anytime I wanted to.

 +4Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

no, I’M the one who lied. I’m sorry. I just can’t stop lying!

 +4Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

your mom lied. they’re stupid.

 +4Posted on Aug 20th, 2012 | re: Push Ups 4 Purity (33 comments)

Hooray! It’s Gabe! It’s Gabe, it’s Gabe, hooray! Look, I missed you guys so much over the weekend so I’ve decided to have sex with all of you. Because! (Definitely not for purity!) You are all great and fun, which is something that I find attractive! Sexually so! But, actually, now that I think about it, at least some of you are not my type, so I don’t want to have sex with THOSE types; let’s be fair. Like, you’re probably pale and fat and acne-ridden, and you smell and I hate your politics! Why are you always on the computer? Do you work? Is that a hair coming out of your face mole? Your shoes are stupid. Are you crippled? I don’t need some mongoloid drooling all over me, you disgusting pervert! So, after strenuous deliberation over the past length it took me to write this comment (thanks, coffee), I have decided I only want to have sex with the versions of you I have in my head. Because that would be better. Because you’re all gross.

 +10Posted on Aug 17th, 2012 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (27 comments)

OH MAN. I missed pretty much this entire day on here and now I’m all “hello!” like a stupid moron and you’re all “nobody’s even here, you stupid!” and I’m all “I’m going to make an utter fool out of myself and post a dumb comment anyway, in this post about the best comments of the week, because that’ll be a smart idea, I bet!” and then also I’ll be nice too, like, “look, this is my first week commenting here and it’s so much more satisfying commenting mostly anonymously here than with jerks on facebook who are always like “my life is so boring and today is SO BORING and that’s all I ever have to say about anything, always” and look, great, but still I’ll end up typing something stupid and it’ll be too late and see, THIS IS THAT COMMENT.

but anyway, I’m glad I decided to stop lurking about here for so long, silent as a shadow, still as a statue, and start being more like, “hello! BLEH” because it’s way more fun, like fifty times more fun. and just reading here alone was like a thousand times more fun than anything else on the internet, so we are talking about some SERIOUS FUN here. thanks and hi, everybody!

…I just wrote too much.

I’ll work on that!

 +8Posted on Aug 17th, 2012 | re: Ryan Gosling Baby Marriage Eva Mendes Sex #YOLO (21 comments)

Kelly! Look! Look who it is! Keeeeeeellllllly!

 +3Posted on Aug 17th, 2012 | re: WASSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAP? Yo, This Is Andrew (44 comments)

only to ice cream monsters.

 +7Posted on Aug 17th, 2012 | re: WASSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAP? Yo, This Is Andrew (44 comments)

DON’T TURN IT OFF.

 +3Posted on Aug 17th, 2012 | re: WASSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAP? Yo, This Is Andrew (44 comments)

oh no, I am never, ever, neverever watching that video again! I’d rather just turn into that ice cream monster lady (remember her? from the gif? the one everyone hates? remember gifs? they’re animated! cool!) and go about my day eating my ice cream brains and smiling and bulging my eyeballs really big at people as I enjoy my delicious ice cream brains and terrify EVERYONE because that’s still way more pleasant than watching that horrible, horrible Romney clip again. thank you no!

 +2Posted on Aug 16th, 2012 | re: That's Emily's Boyfriend: This Kid (51 comments)

THANK GOD

 +3Posted on Aug 16th, 2012 | re: And That's It For Me (8 comments)

I mean Holmes!

shit.

 +6Posted on Aug 16th, 2012 | re: And That's It For Me (8 comments)

Dave Holmes: HANDSOME GUEST EDITOR WHO WON OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AND OTHER PARTS TODAY, GUEST EDITING.

Thanks to YOU: Dave Homes!