So It Begins: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time
Last night I watched Death Sentence. Shame on me. Actually, shame on Ricky first, for telling me to watch it, and then shame on me for doing so. If you haven't seen it, Death Sentence is a vengeance movie starring Kevin Bacon and directed by James Wan, who also gave the world Saw. James Wan is your boyfriend. Anyway, the basic story is that Kevin Bacon's son gets killed right in front of him in a "gang initiation murder" at a gas station. Oh, btw, he gets killed WITH A MACHETE. Instead of pressing charges, Bacon decides to take matters into his own hands (the only respectable thing about this movie) but it turns out the guy who killed his son, who he kills, is the younger brother of the gang's leader, so that starts a war with the gang. Right. Totally. It's basically what you read about in the paper every day but are TOO BLINDED by your MIDDLE CLASS existence to see, SHEEPLE.
Everything about this movie is ridiculous. For example, Kevin Bacon is a family man who works as the VP at some kind of investment firm, but it turns out he's also really good at close quarters combat. Like, at one point he's smashing a guy's face into a bar with one hand, and knocking someone unconscious with the other hand, which is wrapped in bandages. You know, dad stuff. He speaks really offensive colloquial Spanish all of a sudden when the movie's almost over but he needs some important information. He buys some guns but has to read the manual because he doesn't know how to use them, but as soon as he's done reading the manual HE'S SO GOOD AT GUNS. Did I mention that his son gets killed by a machete?
Not to mention the acting, which was just really aces from everyone involved. They read the manual on acting and the next thing you knew, they were so good at acting. And the neck tattoos. They should create an Oscar just for neck tattoos so that this movie can get the awards it deserves.
I don't want to spoil the movie, but I also don't want you to have to see the movie, so here is the ending. Please note the following: astonishingly realistic gun battle including super realistic "multiple fingers severed by single bullet", the deep significance of how when you murder someone's entire family it makes them shave their head and buy a gun and how that's basically what gang members experience on the street every day, THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. But in all seriousness, this is the last 4 minutes of the movie, so if I'm really bad at my job and you are not convinced that you should save that spot in your Netflix queue for something, anything, other than this (DORA THE EXPLORER) then do not watch.
It's like James Wan was going to watch Taxi Driver but then just saw the poster and figured he got the gist of it.
And yet, after all of that, I'm not convinced that this is THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. It might be. It's in the running. But I think there might be worse out there. So, I'm asking you to help me find it. First, let's lay out some ground rules:
- It cannot be intentionally horrible.
- It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (no "outsider art")
- It cannot be Glitter.
Second, let's do this. If you suggest a movie, I will watch it and catalog my findings here. We will take this journey of discovery together.
Posted by Gabe at 11:03 AM in Bad Idea Jeans, Hate-Watching
Tags: Death Sentence | James Wan | Kevin Bacon | The Worst Movie
I am not trying to defend this movie or anything, I believe you that it is the worst movie ever, but I would just like to point out that the usage of a machete is not that farfetched. Some kid got his hands cut off with a machete by a rival gang near my grandma's house. And I've heard about machete-related violence in my area.
Wow, I should move. That being said, the director probably just used the machete because it looked badass. Whether or not it did.
Worst movie ever... hmm.... Well, "Passion Fish" is this awful romantic drama set in southern Louisiana that's really long and never really resolves the love story-issue. It has David Strathairn, who was in The Bourne Ultimatum and Good Night and Good Luck (and has a total of 90 acting credits in IMDB. Holy sht, that's a lot of movies). It was actually nominated for two Oscars but didn't win. I can't believe that happened, but I guess bad movies get nominated for Oscars all the time (not making a Juno reference there or anything...).
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But will there be seven sequels, like there were for the Death Wish movies? Bacon is no Bronson, so I would guess no.
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LADY IN THE WATER. There are a few movies that are so bad that being stone when you watch them actually makes them worse.
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They sell machetes at Wal-Mart. That's funny.
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There was a movie on the sci fi channel called "pterodactyl." Coolio was in it...that doesnt count does it?
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While great strides are being made in straght-to-cable film production thanks in large part to companies like HBO, which are putting enough money into buying the distribution rights to provide actual competition to the Hollywood machine, I think for our purposes here it has to have had a theatrical release.
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umpteen repetitions and I still don't understand the "is your boyfriend" thing.
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Rush Hour 3 (I can't speak for Rush Hour 2, although I can make an educated guess and would sooner die than see it). Had to see this movie at the THEATER with my weirdo mom.
And I would offer Jessica Simpson's "Blonde Ambition", but it was only released in EIGHT theaters so I'm not sure if I'm allowed.
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Shopgirl. Steve Martin is creepy, Claire Danes is moony, Jason Schwartzman spend the entire movie looking liked he needs to be punched in the neck.
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Strangeland, the Dee Snider directed horror movie
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Doom fuckin ate my balls
THE WORST MOVIE EVER
Me and my guitar player still bring it up when referencing shitty movies
"I didn't really like 28 Weeks Later"
"At least its not Doom"
"Good show, old man. gin & tonics all around!"
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Southland Tales made me want to punch everything on screen, Stiflers and Cheri Oteri and wormholes and BRMC and The Rock. Do you know how stupid you'd have to be to want to punch The Rock? Southland Tales made me that stupid.
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I think it was mentioned before, but The Boondock Saints is complete trash. But I still stand behind The Wicker Man as the worst. Nic Cage is the next James Woods.
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