Sometimes, on Valentine’s Day, a boyfriend or girlfriend will make a terrible joke, like, “I wish every day could be Valentine’s Day!” But what they don’t realize is that for the lonelies who hate that day, every day kind of IS Valentine’s Day. You know what I mean? What I’m trying to say is, oh look! Someone on Etsy has made a lifelike Robert Pattinson body pillow. Some might say TOO lifelike. Obviously, we know what the person who is buying this pillow is thinking. They are thinking: “regardless of the fact that I may be far too old for my romantic fetishization of an adolescent actor portraying a mythological metaphor for sexual anxiety, I still feel what I feel, and this is my bedroom, where I am safe, so I am going to do what I want as long as it makes me happy, or at least temporarily eases this dark and pervasive abyss that is my experience as a human being doomed to wander the Earth.” But WHAT IS THE PILLOW THINKING?!

The winner of the contest will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball, which is the second best thing to being turned into an actual stupid lamp. (Image via TheDailyWhat.)

Comments (112)
  1. Stick it in the freezer for an authentic vampire-cuddling experience!

  2. “I am going to have sex with you to death.”
    -That pillow (in my nightmares (forever))

  3. “Well, at least I’m not Robert Pattinson underwear”

  4. You may be pale and cold, but I have no idea what you are.

  5. “I’ll give you my pillow when you take it from my cold, dead hands”

  6. being a ridiculously stupid pillow, i guess a stupid lamp is all i deserve.

  7. This differs from the real thing in 2 respects: it has no legs, and is not allergic to vaginas.

    • Oh, I don’t know. I think 9 times out of 10 if actual RP were to become the actual property of a person who would buy this pillow, he would end up without legs anyway. No scurrying away for you, vampire lover of my dreams!

  8. In Bizarro world, Kimiko-tan has a James Franco pillow.

  9. “You are my exact brand of pillow.”

  10. This post has been deleted by The Reset Button.

  11. ET remained undetected in his Robert Pattinson costume

  12. “Cooler than the other side of an undead vampire”

  13. man, my neck smells like … stale saliva and… toothpaste?

  14. “I love you.” -James Franco

  15. Owner of Robert Pattinson pillow to other humans: “You’re being such a non-pillow right now!”

  16. There’s gonna be a massive war between real Robert pattinson and pillow version for the lead in the new twilight.

  17. Bella: “I know what you are. You’re cotton white and cool to the touch…”
    Edward Pillow: “Say it.”
    Bella: “Other side of the pillow.”

  18. “They made my neck extra long so it would be easier to hang myself.” – Robert Pattinson Pillow

  19. “I hate vagina’s”

  20. Even the other side of Robert Pattinson pillow is hot.

  21. “Also available in non- hideously swollen Pattinson.”

  22. if you thought the generic boyfriend pillow
    couldn’t get any better, boy do I have something for you.

  23. Dear god, what is going on with its hands?! It just makes sense that whoever made this thing is an absolute master at their craft.

  24. Keep that vagina at my pillow arms length please, I am for cuddling only.

  25. [insert obligatory videogum "why can't I get a Topher Grace pillow?" comment here]

  26. “Flowers!” … “Flowers.” … “Flowers, again?”
    -Robert Pattinson’s wife or someone he’s banging, probably

    This year, send her something new! Something personal, and full of love, with Pattinson-E-Gram! Even when you can’t be with her, she can still experience your dark, foreboding stare, which will surely haunt her night in and night out! Order today, Robert!

  27. I am the Travelocity of Hug-E-Grams

  28. “It’s almost as good at acting as the actual Robert Pattinson!”

  29. Why can’t I get a Topher Grace pillow?

  30. “She’s cute and she’ll do, but I think that flower-patterned throw pillow over there is more my type.”

  31. Team Pillow.

  32. The Robert Pattinson Body Pillow: when giving up isn’t comfort enough.

  33. Handsome pillow no leave you. Handsome pillow always be there.

  34. Oh dear jesus what the hell? No. This has to stop. Now.

  35. R.P. phone… home…

  36. Gimme dat Mormon back hug.

  37. “Have you ever had both legs fall asleep at once? It’s the weirdest—-AAAAAHHHH!!!”

  38. “I hope you enjoy disappointment”

  39. The Robert Pattinson Body Pillow. Because the world is not ready for an actual sex doll.

  40. What’s with the neck???

    Ohh, I get it.

  41. woozefa  |   Posted on Feb 16th, 2010 +10

    I will swallow your soul. While we snuggle!

  42. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  43. Machine-wash cold and tumble dry low, unless you want to see me fucking sparkle.

  44. Even when they look like real people, pillows cannot actually think. Right?

  45. He’s mad because his neck is impossibly long and his arms broken.

  46. “Dreaming of you.” – The Robert Pattinson pillow

  47. “I, the Robert Pattinson Pillow, will never judge you or make you feel like you are a freak for loving me. That said, let’s keep this whole thing our little secret, OK? Like, let’s not tell anyone we’re doing this? Especially not the throw pillows on the couch? Would that be all right?”

  48. I’m soft, hypoallergenic AND the superior actor.

  49. frankenstein

  50. “I come and I give without taking.”
    - Edward Manllow

  51. “For that extra bit of authenticity, it even smells like its over a hundred years old!”
    (You have to imagine this being yelled by Vampire Billie Mays, the only undead man worthy of selling such an item.)

  52. Now in your choice of white or glitter!

  53. The Robert Pattinson Pillow (pictured) is available now!

  54. woozefa  |   Posted on Feb 16th, 2010 +6

    the worst part about this?: “this item sold out on 2.15.10″

  55. Will ship before most Proms 2010.

  56. “The Robert Pattinson Pillow- Because Cats are so 2009.”

  57. Bela Lugosi’s dead, and it’s a damn shame

  58. © 2010 Shepard Fairey

  59. Late notice, but if anyone wants to chat Lost, there’ll be some of us in the chat:

  60. I’m so glad that thing ends at the torso, because if it went all the way down to the legs, all of those pillows would be getting that Edward Cullen dildo hot-glued to them.

  61. He looks like Querelle Jansen here! (

    In any case, someone send this to Regretsy so they can make fun of it in more detail.

  62. It’s like some kind of horrible demon that turns itself into whatever you desire most, only it’s been hurt and can’t do it right. “RRROBERT LOVE YOU BECKY ROB..”

  63. “It’s a good thing I’m not a Taylor Lautner body pillow, or that girl’s face would be mildy uncomfortable on my ROCK HARD PILLOW ABS.” – Robert Pillowson

  64. The Original Man Pillow

  65. My Life Is Sadness Twilight.

  66. Twilight body pillow Robert Pattinson says it worries about being infected with HIV when adoring fans sleep on it with open wounds and ask it to suck their blood.

  67. The Sex doll company is looking to target a new demographic: prepubescent teen girls and 40 year old virgins.

  68. “I won’t break your heart, but I’ll break your headboard.”

  69. Twilight vibrator sold separately.

  70. Because if you are someone who would buy this pillow, you only deserve the inhuman touch of a Gabe-Delahaye-look-a-like pillow monster.

  71. Pictured: the baby from Eraserhead all grown up.

  72. All three stared silently at the body pillow they’d found under the bedsheets, until Ron coughed awkwardly and said, “Well, I guess what he did on his own time was Dumbledore’s business, not ours.”

  73. “Don’t you wish you could fuck this pillow? Well, the least you can do is try.”

  74. There are puppets that look more like Robert Pattinson

  75. Stuffed White People Like

  76. “Why do I need a watch?”

  77. “I’m going to kill you in your sleep.”

  78. Fun for ages 2 to 1,002!

  79. “Previously on ‘Pygmalion’…”

  80. “I used to be the Shane West pillow, but no one bought me.”

  81. “Let’s Do This!”

  82. “If you don’t believe the Robert Pattinson pillow is 100% lovable, just look at the bat-shit crazy stare in this young woman’s eyes!”

  83. Has Love finally gone Soft? Find out this spring when Henry Rollins plays Robert Pattison in “Body-Pillow Guard.”

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