“If We Ever Meet Again” video, you guys:

Let me just make sure that I have this straight, because this music video’s plot is very complicated, like an episode of Mr. Ocean’s 11. Or maybe not Mr. Ocean’s 11, maybe more like Pierce Brosnan’s The Thomas Crown Affair. So, there is a lady art thief and a man art thief, both of whom are incredibly young and attractive, just the way that criminals always are. At first, they are competing to both steal a painting made by a three year old boy that is standing on a cheap wooden easel in a bank lobby (the perfect crime!). The guy steals it and the girl is like shoot. Then they see each other at a Tea Party for old women, and also Katy Perry is there? And the criminals are giving each other the eye, but Katy Perry is also giving them the eye? Because she wants to have a threesome with a couple of thieves? Even though she is a famous woman and could probably pick better sexual partners for herself, or at least some sexual partners less prone to getting arrested. (“We’ve got you splatter-paint handed!”)

Bear with me.

Katy Perry doesn’t have a threesome with the criminals because she has to get back to a local photography studio operated by a would-be wedding and events photographer. Timbaland is like “where have you been, we need to dance awkwardly in front of this mottled-gray Kmart photo background,” and Katy Perry is like, “sorry, I was at a luncheon, spying on a couple of handsome criminals, and I barely had time to get home and change into this bodice,” and Timbaland is like, “oh, wait, was it a very young woman art thief and a very young man art but also necklace thief?” And Katy Perry is like, “yeah, how did you know?” And Timbaland is like, “sometimes I dress up in a trenchcoat and spy on them, too.” Then they dance. It’s terrible.

Meanwhile, an Asian man sees a candle and calls the police. Immediately, the man thief is arrested in connection with the candle. The police know that they have caught their man because he has a newspaper in his car. But just then, the lady thief is walking by dressed inconspicuously in a sexy skin-tight leather outfit and sunglasses so that she can just blend right into the background. She sees the cops and she is like, “oh no, the fellow criminal with whom I have a friendly competition going has been captured by our mutual enemy, Johnny Law!” But it is too late. The police take him to an interrogation cell, and they are like, “we’ve got you now smart guy. Tell us this: why would an innocent man have A COPY OF TODAY’S NEWSPAPER.” Obviously, these are pretty smart cops. Very tough. But the girl art thief has returned the ugly wooden egg to its candle, and paid for the boy art thief’s bail, and the cops are like, “FOILED AGAIN.”

The man and the woman go on a date, flush with the excitement of having tricked those cops. The guy is like “I really thought they had me with that newspaper, more tiramisu?” But they’re in for a rude awakening, because while they’re out talking about movies they have seen recently on their days off (from crime), someone is in the man’s apartment stealing all the stuff that he just stole. Oh no! I suppose that will teach him not to hang incriminating stolen art ON THE WALL and not to just carelessly drop stolen old lady necklaces into a giant drawer with NOTHING ELSE IN IT.

Also, I think the idea is that Timbaland and Katy Perry are stealing from him, because in a world of criminals they are super criminals? Crime-on-crime crime? Right. Maybe they should try convincing us they can make a listenable song together first.

This video is a crime against my eyes.

Comments (39)
  1. I think you’re reading too much into it. It’s just a song.

  2. I think Timbaland and Katy Perry are the Ecks vs. Sever of this video, because yuck.

    Also, I totally assumed you were exaggerating about the candle, but imagine my surprise!

  3. lesson for lunching ladies – do not take off your necklace during lunch parties or pretty theives will steal it.

    • “Excuse me girls, my neck is killing me, I have to go upstairs and take off my really cheap looking necklace, that is actually really expensive! Hope no one steals it when I turn away for twenty seconds.”

  4. I read Gabe’s description before watching the video, and wasn’t sure if Gabe had made everything up, or written and exact transcription of the story. Fortunately, it seems to be both.

  5. Well shit. Why did I just buy The Maltese Falcon when I could have waited two days for this gem? Dashiell Hammett, you got served.

  6. I just can’t believe this is a Timbaland song. What’s with the autotune, Timbo? You’re not fooling anybody! It’s not like this is your first album and we don’t know what you sound like. Where are all the awkward raps? Where are all the “uh huh”s and “ficky”s? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. I blame Katy Perry. #stereogum

  7. Katy Perry is engaged to Russell Brand and BFFs with Perez Hilton, so I think she’s already in jail. And Timbaland has to make videos with Katy Perry, so… ditto.

  8. You should go back to making movies, Katy Perry, like 500 Days of Summer and Elf. Those were great.

  9. Let us pray they never meet again if this is the result. Yeesh that was awful

  10. Timbaland Talks Funny.

  11. Entrapment, starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and a young, differently-raced (I guess I’m a racist?) Sean Connery

  12. I’m glad that my aunt and uncle from about halfway through a cousin’s wedding choreographed the dances for Katy Perry and Timbaland. Since retirement, they’ve had a lot of free time so I am happy to see them staying active.

  13. But Katy Perry is so earnest looking as she sings. That is an absolutely sure sign of talent. And Timbaland regularly makes goofy faces. That is a mark of a preeminent entertainer.

    • Yes, at first I wasn’t so sure about this video, but when I saw Timbaland’s jaunty cap which he stole from a newsboy from the 1920s (that’s why he’s really in jail, by the way), and his omnipresent thumb pressed lightly against his chin, I realized I had nothing to be unsure about. This video is horrible.

  14. Sometimes while downloading a blog here at the Videogum internet I start the video on the main page and forget to click through to the ready part. So I’ll patiently wait for the video to end before going on through and reading what else Gabe has to internet about said youtube. That just happened to me again! but I realized half way through the song that if I did let the song finish I probably wouldn’t be around to read the rest of Gabe’s post because of the massive hemorrhage that was being sonically induced in my brains. I had to listen to some Benny Goodman just to get the taste of poison out of my ears.

  15. Something about that song reminded me of the great Dr. MLK JR. I just can’t place it.

  16. I couldn’t make it through the video because the music is generic -eric -eric -eric.

  17. I was pretty sure I didnt like this video but that little scroll in the lower right corner reminded me that I love this song. Shoulda known.

  18. Oooh Timbaland, at least you still have your…. Looks?

  19. Timbaland already belongs in jail for the travesty that is Chris Cornell’s latest album. This Auto-Tuned [song? What is this?] just sealed the deal.

    Also, Katy Perry is too pretty to go to jail, even if she does look kinda like a drag queen in this video.

  20. Darrell Hammond, you got served as well.

  21. The “Pollock” at the center of this video’s wafer-thin plotline is the greatest anti-”anyone can successfully do a splatter painting” argument I have ever seen. I am showing this to my art students.

  22. “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.” -Albert Einstein “Also, stab my face off if Katy Perry and Timbaland ever start collaborating.”
    More like Katy-dinski and Timbalichaelangelo.
    ART JOKE!

  23. Needs more cowbell

  24. I could only stomach the first 10 seconds but im going to assume the painting was created by one of the bears at the bear museum?

  25. Jesus Christ, this is some straight-to-Kidz Bop bullshit.

  26. Massive deposit in my LOLk portfolio, this recap. Gabe should write all of the recaps.

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