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[Ed. note: Joe Mande is a stand-up comedian who has appeared on Comedy Central and Best Week Ever, and is the creator of the popular blog, Look At This Fucking Hipster (soon to be a popular book!). He is also a contributor to Videogum, and today I am excited to introduce Joe's brand new column, Taking One for the Team. It is similar to the now defunct Double Dog column in concept, since the idea is that Joe will be forced to do things that we don't want to do, for our education and amusement. Not that you should feel too bad for him. I mean, just to give you a sense of the man that Joe is, in December, Joe paid 20 dollars to go to a simulcast of Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater, WITHOUT EVEN BEING FORCED OR ANYTHING! So he deserves whatever he gets. For Joe's first T14TT, we gave him a very magical Avatar assignment. Here is Joe:]

Hi, Monsters! Happy New Year and welcome to my brand new Videogum column, “Taking One For The Team” (or, “T14TT” for short). As Gabe just explained, twice a month, I will offer my services (time, shamelessness, unemployment) to the readers of this website. I will do all the dumb things you’re too busy, scared, or grown up to do yourselves.

Now, before we jump right in, we need to set up some ground rules. Much like The Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time, there are certain things I won’t do out of principle.

  1. No weird sex shit. – There’s enough of that on the Internet already, don’t be gross.
  2. No Jackass shit. – I will not get hurt and go to the hospital for a blog.
  3. No bothering other people. – In the great Videogum Everywhere tradition, Agent Joe Mande will do all his damage in private.

There might be more rules added on as we go, but for now, let’s stick to those three.

My first assignment was to give myself an Avatar makeover like the girl in this video:

It turned out pretty well, I think. I really felt like I was transforming into a Na’vi! What I don’t understand is why James Cameron would go through all the trouble of complicated and expensive 3D CGI technology when all he needed was $30 worth of clown makeup from Ricky’s.

[Ed. note: LEGENDARY.]

So now it’s in your hands, monsters. What’s my next assignment? I mean, it’s not my place to say, but I know Tooth Fairy comes out Jan 22. I know none of you actually want to see it. (Does anyone have access to a lot of nitrous/know how to sneak a lot of nitrous into a movie theater?) Send your TOFTT ideas to t14tt@videogum.com.

Comments (84)
  1. To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for making this happen.

  2. Great new column or GREATEST new column?

  3. You look like an AVATARD!

  4. I think that next time you should Camp out for 3 days at the theater to see Tooth Fairy, and THEN do lots of nitrous while watching it at 11am on a Friday.

  5. Oh man, I’ve been looking all over the Internet for jokes about fat chicks. Thanks!

  6. Wow. Zoobilee Zoo by the end.

  7. Is that the sharkskin tutorial girl?! You know what I’m talking about, right?

  8. Really? Blueface in 2010? This is some Alvatar Jolson shit.

  9. That was great, Joe!

  10. “I”m not trying to call anyone a racist here, but…In the Pandoran culture, the blueface image is steeped in a negative history and considered offensive. I just want to say, on behalf of my planet, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make blue people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that we take it really to heart.” –Tsu’tey Connick Jr

  11. I just browsed Look At This Fucking Hipster for a few minutes, and now I feel sick. Thanks, Joe. My soul hurts.

  12. Also, wouldn’t a “legit Pandora person” know they are called Na’vi? Legit Pandora poseur.

  13. Your beard is weird.

  14. That girl is actually pretty funny. Lets make fun of her for being fat!

    • T14TT sounds like it could be great, but this fell way flat for me. I laughed at her jokes (not at her, note the difference), and not at Joe’s (I reverse-laughed, you could even say). He just seemed like a mean jerk, and not in a funny way.
      I look forward to this feature improving in the future.

      • I thought they were both good? (with exception of the fat joke(s)?)

        I mean, at first I thought the girl’s thing was really mindblowing and sad/terrible, but then I was all like I SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING HERE. it was funny. i chuckled.

        And then Joe’s came and I was excited! I was all like, “they could both be ridiculous and funny!” Well Joe was both, and I laughed LOTS, until the fat jokes, and then I was like, “ugh.” this is all.

      • Usually I’d downvote comments like that, but I have to agree with you, I didn’t think this was very funny, nor do I think latfh is. I dunno, it just doesn’t fit in videogum humor in my opinion.

    • I want to be her friend. We could rip on movies together. I loved the Joe’s video (minus the fat jokes, but YAY for cat nose!), so I’m looking forward to something I can enjoy without squirming.

    • I agree. Gloria [that is her name and she is the best] is really fucking funny. She needs more Videogum exposure!

  15. That was glorious! I’m afraid we all just blue ourselves from the glory and the wonder which was that.

    You WILL eventually do a juggaloo-themed assignment (duh. no doy. duhhhh-oy!)…
    One idea : start up a band and record a sort of battle response to the children who sang ‘sweet child o mine’ perfectly (I loved them so much: http://videogum.com/archives/music_related_content/kids_play_sweet_child_o_mine_p_106001.html)
    Another : study every video of the Ranger$$$ (presidents of happiness; on the list of best people 2009) and film your own attempt at jerkin’,

  16. Next T14TT: Grow your hair out like Pauly D and then style it like Pauly D and then go somewhere.

  17. Amazing hair girl: 1 Gabe: 0

  18. Yes… Terror: Thy Name is Zoobilee

  19. I look forward to the things you fill the time with between now and the next Gathering of the Juggaloes, which you will obviously be attending because that is obviously the purpose and destiny of this entire column.

  20. Man, it is incredible how quick the turnaround time was for the “How’s Our Driving?” suggestions to come into effect. Very efficient management, or the most efficient management?

  21. I challenge you to make a literal music video for Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” (meaning you must act out everything she is saying). – Professor Bad Idea Jeans

  22. I understand with the Videogum Everywhere mission statement in effect you don’t want to go out and make a scene, but can this be a little more Improv Everywhere? Like, lets leave the house and do a dare that requires public embarrassment of some sort. You don’t need to bother people but if you’re just going to paint your face inside your apartment, what’s the point?

  23. Look at that fucking love connection.

  24. Wait. Why did you pay for “The Christmas Sweater”???

  25. Confused. Why did you steal her joke and then act like she was an asshole for doing a very funny joke that you stole?

  26. This girl reminds me that I love the human race. Even if we did go all holocaust on the Na’vi (at least we didn’t go holocaust-holocaust).

    Also: Blow-Jays / Blow-Jayer. Those are going right into the vocabulary.

  27. Clearly a future three or possibly four installment arc of TOFTT needs to be dedicated to infiltrating some sort of Juggalo gathering. Not necessarily THE Gathering but something. Extra points if you create a horror rap group with a name including the word “Monsters.”

  28. OH GOD, THE CAT NOSE. I lost it at the cat nose. More of this, please!

  29. This is great and all, but I’m holding out for a picture of Michael Cera in blue face, posing with Na’vi babes and awkwardly throwing a gang sign.

  30. Well done, Joe! I don’t even need to see the movie now!

    This post, by the way, reminds me of a post on the now-defunct-but-still-hilarious sweatpantserection.com:

    http://sweatpantserection.com/boy-george-make-up-book.html

  31. Look At This Fucking Na’vi

  32. That girl was hilarious! She should guest host!! OR better for your next post you should find her and take her on a date to see the Tooth Fairy! Then she could pretend you were the Rock while she’s giving you a handy jay in the theater!
     
    And on a personal note, I’d just like to let you know that your book comes out on my birthday. *hinty*hint*hint*

    • March 30th? That’s the day that like everyone’s born!
      Ex: Van Gogh, Eric Clapton, Norah Jones, Celine Dion. Crazay.

      • I know! also my Grandpa! and Goya and Warren Beatty and M.C. Hammer and Astrud Gilberto and Eric Clapton and …uh…Paul Riser …probably others….
         
        and just when you think the day couldn’t get any better It’s also the day Reagan was shot! …wait…Seward’s Folly? Check out March 30th on Wiki for all the …fascinating(?) history!

  33. Oh this is sad. I really love her make-up tutorials (have you guys seen her other videos? They’re really very funny). I actually watched Joe’s video first and thought it was just a funny commentary on some of the stupid make-up vids I assume exist for Avatar (and the Jonas Brothers “poster” was so hilarious out of context). After watching her video, though, it seems like he’s just poking fun at her by using her exact phrasing as the punchline. I usually like Joe Mande but this is very ehh.

  34. Hiya Joe. Maybe next time you could play dress up as the pumpkinhead man and do a special holiday dance for the camera? President’s Day dance? Groundhog Day dance? We won’t joke if you look fat in the unitard.

  35. I know I’m way to late to this party to say anything that will get read, but this girl was already joking. She was making fun of the hundreds of inane makeup tutorials already on you tube. I’m sure you’re a funny guy, but this is basically what you just did.

    • Granted yours was still funny and not nearly as bad as that link, but you know what I’m trying to say. Don’t mock the mocker who’s in on the joke!

  36. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  37. Can Joe rub his belly and pat his head at the same time?

  38. Dress like a fucking hipster, in public, for a day!

  39. This is NUTS – This was linked on one of my favorite sites for random entertainment (and teh Pr0nz linkz) – entensity.net

  40. Please PLEASE keep fat jokes out of Videogum. I cannot emphasize that request enough. I come here for higher quality humour and thoughts, and if fat jokes become de rigueur then I’ll definitely be sad and lose interest.

    There are very few places online where there are (limited) fat jokes. Please keep Videogum one of these places.

    Also, this chick is fucking funny.

    She does a really funny tutorial on how to be a chola. (new window)

  41. The Avatar DVD is apparently going to have some extended sex scenes in there, if that’s what you’re into. Which you are, apparently.

  42. i just watched joe’s video and not the girl’s, and i kinda don’t want to watch the girl’s now after reading these comments and it looks like that would ruin joe’s, but i thought just after joe’s video: very funny A+++! Glad you’re back joe mande, keep it up. ALSO this goes very well with joe’s other awesome avatar video, which i would link in that sentence if i knew how to link, but i don’t so here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnLiDZCAIxQ

    only 2 days late!! i’m good at videogum.

  43. RE: Na’vi vaginas, according to this filmdrunk article, I guess the Na’vi just fingerblast (flagella-blast?) each other with tentacles, rubbing them all over each other and intertwining them until… oh, my. sorry I forgot you were there.

  44. 3D films are rubbish if you are missing an ear.

  45. how did you get
    your white shirt off without
    getting blue paint on
    it?

  46. The easier way to learn how to apply makeup is just to go to http://www.maycup.com where you can find video tutorials. Anyways, that’s how I learned.

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