As Christopher Wallace said, mo years, mo problems. I’m almost positive that is how it goes. It is now 2010, but here we stand, forever at the precipice of an enormous crossroads. With every step we take forward in the bad movie canon, we slide three steps backwards, or something. My point is that it feels like we are standing still, but we are not standing still. Maybe. It’s entirely possible that we are standing still, now that I think about it. But we must at least pretend that there is forward momentum, or we will die. I think. I’m not really sure how life or death works. Jeez, I need a VACATION just to get over my VACATION.

This week’s nominee in the Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time is an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called The 6th Day, and this year marks its 10th Anniversary. Congratulations, The 6th Day, you have been awful for a very long time!

The 6th Day is set in the very near future, when everything is a computer, and major cities with no mountains on the horizon are within helicopter distance of incredible, majestic mountains. Obviously, in the very near future, mankind hates the idea of human cloning. Duh. This is a movie set in a realistic world like our own. Anyway, Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up one morning and it is his birthday and then he goes to work at his job as a helicopter leasing agent for snowboards. (It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer!) That day he has a big snowboard trip planned for a high powered client, but he also needs to go to the hover mall because he needs a present for his daughter (because in the future, we give our kids presents on our birthdays) so his work partner, Michael Rappaport pretends to be him and gets ASSASSINATED. Although, we don’t know that yet. Shhh! Arnold Schwarzenegger wakes up in a cab at the mall. He was so tired, I guess! I’m sure it’s nothing! This movie is so clever and smooth about working in its plot points that it is probably just that Arnold Schwarzenegger got tired is all. He buys his daughter a really normal looking doll that every girl in the future is going to want and not find terrifying and disgusting at all.

Neat doll! The future is going to be great and full of sensible products that people just want! Anyway, when Arnold gets home, he is already in his home! WHAAAAA? Then some goons show up and they are like “come with me sir, there is a problem,” and he is like “RUN AWAY!” So then he jumps The Fugitive-style into the river, but he’s probably not safe yet, I bet. Not until he unravels the mystery of what is happening! Well, what is happening is that the Bill Gates of the future is secretly conducting human cloning experiments. Well, not so much experiments as just cloning. He is doing it. The experiments seem to have worked and now is just the regular post-experiments phase of the operation. When Future Bill Gates was assassinated on his snowboard excursion (sure) he was re-cloned, and so was Arnold Schwarzenegger, because they thought he was Michael Rappaport. REMEMBER THE SWITCHEROOO?! Anyway, now the corporation (Microsoft? IBM?) is trying to kill Schwarzenegger (whose name is Adam Gibson because obviously he is a normal American born in America with an American name and an American accent). Anyway, eventually he enlists the help of his clone to blow up the IBM building and save his family (who were captured using remote-controlled clone dogs?) but that is where he learns that HE HAS BEEN THE CLONE THE WHOLE TIME! THE OTHER GUY IS THE REAL ADAM GIBSON! Oh man, what an existential dilemma. Then, Bill Gates gets shot in the stomach. He begins to clone himself, duh, but too little too late.

Stuff starts exploding and the swimming pools and fish tanks full of alien bodies start pouring out, and the computers stop the cloning process at 84%! Oh no! Only 84%? That’s not enough %! Then he has a fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Arnold Schwarzenegger tells him to look in the mirror and then he asks him, how do you feel about your precious cloning now? Because you know that the strongest argument against human cloning is that some of the clones will only be 84% complete because the fish tanks got shot with lazer guns while the building was exploding.

Cool blazer-over-t-shirt combo Slime Clone!

In any case, I think Slime Clone feels mostly OK about his precious cloning, because he still tries to chase Arnold Schwarzenegger onto the roof of the building and shoot him, blazer all flapping in the wind. Then the building explodes and there is almost a problem with the Schwarzeneggers driving their helicopter into a building, but they don’t drive it into a building in the end, what a rush. So the clone has to move to South America with one of the helicopters because if he stays then Congress will kill him (Congress, the jerk!) and I think he does helicoptering for an oil company or something? I’m sure we will figure out who he is flying helicopters for down there in the much-anticipated sequel, The 7th Day.

For the most part, The 6th Day is just a crappy futuristic action movie, of which there are dozens, but this one aged particularly badly. Like, the opening scene is an XFL game. XFL! The sport of the future, I’m sure! And while I recognize that everything in the future is going to be a TV, no, it’s not. Like, bathroom mirror, maybe:

I’ll give you bathroom mirror, sure. But, like, XFL football helmet?

No. And probably my favorite Unnecessary Monitor To Make Things Seem Futuristic is when Arnold Schwarzenegger starts eating his cereal and almost throws up because the milk has gone sour, so he…puts the milk in the fridge…to have it analyzed?

What? It would be one thing if this movie was made BEFORE COMPUTERS AND ALSO REFRIGERATION, in which case we would have to use our imaginations to understand what was happening here. But in a world of both computers and pasteurized milk, I feel confident in saying that we will never reach a point in our evolution where we require a computer to tell us whether the milk that just about made us barf is worth saving or not. Did you know the human brain is a computer? Did you know a potato is a computer?

We already know how to spit stuff out, The Future! Thanks, anyway!

Speaking of things that we don’t need, it’s one thing to get a luxury car that drives itself, but even if that ever happens, I am not sure we will turn around in our seats and stare deep into each others eyes? Do we really get that WEIRD in the near future?

Apparently.

But my favorite thing in The 6th Day is a thing that happens in a lot of movies and TV shows and is so great and hilarious to me, and that thing is Normal Human Being Plucked From His/Her Regular Humdrum Day-to-Day Existence Who Suddenly Feels No Compunction About Brutally Murdering Other Human Beings And Also Seems To Be Highly Trained in Close Quarters Combat. Like, what? I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was a helicopter leasing agent in Catalina? Within five minutes of someone coming to his house and saying “there seems to be a problem,” he snaps a dude’s neck with his bare hands. Yay? I am supposed to cheer for this man who clearly spent his entire life tiptoeing along the edge of becoming a full-blown sociopath at the slightest nudge?

Oh wait, no, my favorite thing in The 6th Day are the scenes where Arnold Schwarzenegger acts alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Hahahha. ACTING!

Hey California, remember how this guy is the governor of you? ALRIGHT, ENOUGH PHILOSOPHY, INDEED.

Next week: The Notebook. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (61)
  1. LOL, I started laughing as soon as I saw the picture of the doll… did it actually figure into the plot of the movie at all?

  2. forget the chopper, I’m getting myself to the dvd renting place.

  3. The 7th Day stars Gabe and Soft Gabe. Gabe pretends to be Soft Gabe by blogging about Glee for a season. Then Gabe realizes that he is the Soft Gabe and that the Soft Gabe that he has been spying on while doing the Topher Grace posts (starring Topher Grace as himself) is actually the real Gabe. DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND-THE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-COMING-OUT-OF-MY-MOUTH?

  4. I hate to be Professor Obvious over here, but I’m pretty sure The American Film Institute’s Top 100 Greatest Movies list goes something like this:
    1. Citizen Kane
    2. The Godfather
    3. The Notebook

    Please reconsider next week’s choice.

    • gabe better be prepared to have his heart stomped on by emotions. you think that movie is going to be one way but then it ends up being a totally different way and then your mom is really weirded out by how much you are crying and she’s the one who wanted to see it anyway so whatever mom.

    • [Insert Tracy Morgan's reaction to the knock knock joke here].

    • Well, I hope you are joking because The Notebook was awful. If it would have just been the Rachel McAdams and Ryan Godmypantsaretight part I would have been fine. I thought that half was interesting?but whenever the old people crawled onto screen and showed how Alzheimer?s IS NOT I was just angry. And I was in the theater with girls and they?re all crying and ?OH! This movie touched me in a place I can?t show on a doll in court!? and I?m like, girls are dumb.
       
      SO Go Gabe! Rip it apart! But to be fair, just because it was nominated doesn?t mean Gabe is going to hate it or write bad things about it (crankheads), but, no, I?m fairly certain he would and will.

  5. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  6. The clone who became CA’s governor has aged as badly as this film. What’s the life expectancy for clones?
    Also, has anyone seen Moon? That movie is amazing.

  7. slime clone made me think of that episode of the tick where the tick has a cold and thrakkorzog clones him from a tissue sample (GET IT!) and then the tick fights mucus clone tick. and then i laughed.

  8. I’m renting this. Right. Now. I was also hoping for a

    I really wanted Kuato to pop out of someone’s chest in this review, but I guess I’ll have to wait until you review Coyote Ugly in the next round. Oh, btw, nominated (also, yikes!).

  9. I saw this movie and I was like
    HUH?!?!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    • Hey! My friends and I did this same thing, but with a friend of ours’ face. We did it for a year and didn’t tell him about it, until we did.

      funwithdanno.blogspot.com

  10. I thought of a pretty terrible movie, possibly the worst movie ever, but after quick check of the official rules it seems to be ineligible. FIVE TIMES! Nevermind.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  11. Guys, remember in that one movie when Arnold Schwarzeletters says “You’re a fucking choir boy next to me, A CHOIR BOY!!!”? Well in the future when we have cloning we could literally make an entire choir of Arnold Schwartzeasdfhjkl and then he would be a choir boy and next to him, haha. #convolutedjokes

  12. Official nickname for anyone wearing blazer/t-shirt combo will now be “slime clone.”

  13. XFL! The sport of the future, I’m sure!

    Try telling that to Lloyd Dobbler.

  14. Uck. I was going to make the, “that’s my governor!” joke, but it looks like you’ve got that covered Gabe. So embarrassing….

  15. Has “Dune” been nominated? I just rewatched it for the first time since I was nine years old, and holy shit what a candidate! Never has a movie succeeded in looking so expensive and so cheap simultaneously.

  16. Why is he putting that cat in a box?

    • Because in the future, everyone is obsessed with cats going into boxes. They even film cats in boxes and put the films on something called the inter-net. The future is so weird.

  17. Oh XFL…. Tommy Maddux, no fair catches, nicknames on jerseys (He Hate Me!). It wasn’t just the league of the future, it was the league of my heart :(

  18. imdb helped me get it right, but my most memorable quote from this movie is:

    Adam Gibson: You should clone yourself while you’re still alive.
    Drucker: So I can get a perspective on your situation?
    Adam Gibson: No, so you can fuck yourself!

    i believe arnold punches him then.

  19. I thought Slime Clone was Michael Rappaport.

    I also bought my sister Kazaam on DVD for Christmas because she used to be in the Shaq fan club.

  20. This should be your single Nic Cage movie for the next round: KNOWING

    So. Awful.

    Also… Helicopters don’t “stall” when you pull back on the stick. You know what they do? They stop moving forward… TOWARDS BUILDINGS.

    • yea i was gonna say…i’m no helicopter leasing pilot (I AM THE VP OF THE BIGGEST EXECUTIVE HELICOPTER LEASING COMPANY ON THE WESTERN SEABOARD!) but i’m pretty sure going AROUND the large future building would have made more sense than OVER. kinda like the old running on the train tracks from the speeding train scenario (I HAVEN’T HAD A CARB SINCE 2004!).

      anyway arnold is totally SNAPPIN NECKS AND CASHIN CHECKS in this movie. (PAH!)

  21. I had the unfortunate pleasure of watching “The Lovely Bones” over the weekend, and I assure you it puts all previous WMOAT candidates to shame.

    If only it was as easy to delete that movie from my memory as it was from my hard drive…..

  22. I just looked up the movie on imdb and found out that its director Roger Spottiswoode has birthday on tha same day as me – and that is today! Happy birthday to me and Roger!

  23. And also this dialog:
    Adam Gibson: You should clone yourself now, while you’re still alive.
    Drucker: Why, so I can share your unique perspective?
    Adam Gibson: No, so you can go screw yourself.
    ONE FOR THE AGES!

  24. Gabe, and everyone, ADAM GIBSON did not just “spend his entire life tiptoeing along the edge of becoming a full-blown sociopath at the slightest nudge” NO. I can’t believe I have to spell this out: he was formerly a Special Ops Assassin for the Company, whose memory was erased so that he would have the perfect cover (married snowboarder-pilot), until such time as he was again needed and would be reactivated. Jeez — next time please just fill in all the blanks by imagining 5th Day on your own.

  25. WMOAT suggestion: He’s Just Not That Into You.

    I watched it this weekend solely because I was delirious from a hangover and it seemed like the best thing HBO on demand had to offer. I can’t remember the last time I’ve hated a main character so much. It made me hate my gender more than most chick flicks.

    • I second this nomination. I had to suffer through this movie on a flight back from a lovely vacation in Italy this summer. It’s awfulness completely deflated my vacation high.

      • I agree, HJNTIY is awful! I have no excuse, though, I saw it in the theaters with 5 female friends, who all loved it, by the way, and it just made me sad. Really sad, cause I (obviously) need new friends. :(

  26. I would like to nominate: The Spirit (2008) Frank Miller’s Directorial Debut

    Even Kevin Arnold’s Dad can’t save this movie!

  27. As alway Home Fries!
    plus Adventureland

  28. he moves to argentinian patagonia, where nobody will ever find him, he might hide with a lot of nazi retired officers, who escaped to argentina at the end of WW2. they are as argentinian as american arnold might be. i would like to nominate Street Kings, another keanu reeves classic. you will find it in the “keanu” section of your nearest videostore.

  29. I nominate the Lovely Bones. I saw it. It was bad. Like ‘What Dreams May Come’ bad.

  30. I work at a hotel and we have tvs in our bathroom mirrors. Like, it looks like just an ordinary mirror and then you turn on the TV and there, right next to your face, is Anderson Cooper’s. We live in the future!

  31. This reminds me, my step-dad made me watch Total Recall over the holidays. Another Schwarzenegger sci-fi action adventure. There’s a priceless scene that made me laugh so hard, in which he learns that he has a GPS tracker implanted in his skull… and then he wraps a wet towel around his head to “muffle it.” The bad guys are like, “Oh no, we lost him!” Then he sticks a big metal thing up his nose to grab it and pull it out. Awesome.

    Also, The Notebook is pretty sappy, but Ryan Gosling sure is fantastic at acting and looking great, even in a not so great movie. So it has that going for it.

  32. The only thing about The Notebook that made me sad is that Sam Shepard has to act in terrible movies to finance his playwriting/Jessica Lange’s awful plastic surgery.

    Also, I would like to nominate Under The Cherry Moon for the hunt. Even if Prince doesn’t count as a movie star, I’m sure Kristin Scott Thomas does.

  33. I found this movie to be quite educational. For example, it taught me that accents are genetic.

  34. I ate some Arnold last night and almost vomited cause it tasted so sour…I wish I had a fridge machine to tell me if it’s gone bad or not.

  35. I cannot believe that there has not been serious lobbying for The Reader. It has all of the usual TWMOAT criteria and it is quite possibly the most tone-deaf movie ever, with its tone-deafness perhaps topped only by its general offensiveness. And it’s a wholly insulting movie, from beginning to end.

    Winslet’s character has zero redeeming qualities (which, in an ironic twist, may be the only redeemable thing about the movie because for the actor it’s an interesting choice, oh that and the fact that Ricky Gervais predicted this whole thing a couple of years ago when Winslet guest starred on his show Extras), a former Nazi guard who during the War so blindly followed orders that she let a church-full of prisoners die in a fire rather than let the sub-humans run free, but it’s okay now because she’s spending the post-War years making up for it by screwing a fifteen-year-old and listening to LeVar Burton-on-tape. At every turn the filmmakers show that they somehow equate her somewhat onerous life with her being a part of the deaths of millions of others (and in a more subtextual insult, they seem to mix up the phenomenon of “guilt,” which certainly occurred in post-War Germany, and “survivor guilt,” which is a whole other thing; perpetrators don’t get to experience “survivor guilt”).

    When she finally does us all a favor and offs herself, she leaves her meager few bucks to the one survivor of that church fire, who, in a final grand affront of the movie, lives in a perfectly decorated apartment on Park Avenue, because, as we all know, all Jews are rich and live on the Upper East Side of New York and therefore what the Nazis did was not so bad because it all worked out for the best for the Jews anyway, right? They should have just been up front about the whole thing and handed out copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion with the movie tickets. It’s what Henry Ford used to do.

    • Wow. You’re way off beam there. The Reader will never belong on this list of worst movies. Because it is simply not a bad film. No it isn’t, leaveme, leave it.
      And “…Handing out copies of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.”
      Bwahahahaha.
      I’ll give you this, Leaveme, you weren’t brief.
      I urge all to see The Reader. A good movie of a really great book. It is not Anti Semitic in any way shape or form. And it is not, not, not at all , unlike Leaveme, tone deaf.
      I nominate Sex and the City. Gabe, It. Must. Be. Done..

  36. How is this considered one of the worst movies? I saw it earlier today and though it was great and easily one of arnolds best films. The acting is good (much better than most of his films) and I can’t see too much wrong with it. I skimmed this article and surmised that the writer is either and idiot or paid no attention to the film. I read the bit about thinking the fridge needing to analyze the milk. If you listen the computer on the fridge says he needs milk, then thanks him for ordering it. Idk why he put the milk back, maybe it throws it way somehow, or he put other stuff back and threw it away himself, but it didn’t analyze it, it told him he was out because it wasn’t there any more and he bought more through the computer on the fridge. Pay more attention to a film before you call it “the worst film ever”.

  37. But there’s a cool scene at the end where the bad guy is dying and clones himself and then the clone walks over and just starts stealing his clothes and stuff and being an asshole to him as he’s lying there dying and it’s actually pretty cool!

    I’ll give you the rest of the movie, though.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.