Now, I don’t speak Chinese, but I think that what happened is pretty clear. Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren, both entered the neural net in an attempt to become pure energy and make all of the phones in the world ring at once. When that failed, Tiger crashed his CGI Grand Theft Auto car into a Matrix tree, and now he and his wife are starring in Veggie Tales 4: Golfing with God. MYSTERY SOLVED. (Thanks for the tip, Adriane.)

Comments (27)
  1. Oddly enough, their version of events seem to match what I deduced from the various details available. TMZ is nodding along.

  2. Where is this from? The Robert Zemeckis Speculative News Channel?

  3. China is so far ahead of us – Escalade minivans? And is that a futuristic vacuum the mistress is holding? No wonder he was daydreaming about her.

  4. They speak Mandarin in China, Gabe. No doy!

    I love the solemn look on animated Tiger’s face before he crashes his minivan (Tiger Woods does not own a minivan) into the tree.

  5. I love the Rachel Uchitel thought bubble!

  6. It has creepy Robert Zemekis CGI written all over it!

  7. Frankly, I think Elin is being misrepresented in the press. Who among us wouldn’t freak out on a minivan, T-1000 style, if Rachel Uchitel appeared out of thin air and floated around in our kitchen like the Great Gazoo?

  8. just gotta say: VEGIETALES!
    I remember being freaked out by their moral messages. YOU’RE A CUCUMBER! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

  9. now, i haven’t kept up on the Tiger Woods thing at all, but i now completely believe this is what happened. Especially because it was played out with Sims and since when aren’t they an accurate representation of life?

  10. I need you to track down the person who did the animation to this, and then I’m going to need you to politely ask that person for the certificate that they got from whatever the Chinese equiv. of DeVry (Bachelors of Art in Graphic Design with a minor in Awesome) and then I need for you to scan it to your computer and then I need to you email it to me so that I can resize it and make it my new avatar. Great. Thanks.

  11. Are they speaking Simlish?
    I can’t tell.

    • Tiger better be careful now. His wife might build four walls around him with no door, letting him wet himself and slowly starve to death.
      But then SHE better be careful, since after he passes his ghost will walk around the property at night, softly sobbing and mumbling to himself.
      That’s right.
      I played the Sims once about 9 years ago.
      Alternatively, if Tiger goes swimming he better make sure his wife doesn’t remove the ladder. He’ll be forced to swim until he becomes exhausted and drowns.

      • OH! And Tiger better take notice if his wife buys and surrounds him with 16 barbeque grills to cook on. If Tiger hasn’t built up his cooking skills enough he may burn to death in the front lawn as the married Barbarian couple from next door look on… And the nudists.

  12. woozefa  |   Posted on Dec 1st, 2009 +1

    i’d post footage of what happened when i found out about this whole ‘newsworthy’ nonsense, but posting video of me taking a shit is against my principles.

  13. I love Swedish chicks who can swing a golf club.

  14. Why can’t our state TV be like the Chinese?

    Jim Leher, you better use look-alikes to act this shit out.

  15. I’d really like to see this done with the Super Mario characters. Tiger would be Mario (obvs), Elin would be Peach (or Rosalina) and the mistress would be Daisy. And Tiger would drive the Daytripper.

  16. All that money and Tiger still drives a 96 Ford Windstar?! His wife probably told him to crash the car for insurance money, which made him so mad because he loves that van, and wouldn’t you know it, blinded by rage, he actually wrecked it. MULLIGAN.

  17. Does China have any more of these up their Sleeves? I say from here on out every crazy domestic dispute involving celebrities should be reenacted in CGI buy these guys.

  18. dà sh?ng xiào

  19. Awesome Virtual Reality Goggles aside, I was really hoping that some teevee news station on the planet didn’t subscribe to the “slow pan over website” shot because a website is something that you can only see on the teevee and not on your nearest computer or anything. If they just had filmed a couple seconds prior to this, showing the cursor hovering toward the link to CNN on Google and then clicking it, I would have thought this was the local FOX affiliate. I’m sorry, off-topic.

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