I’m not sure what is going on here, but I am sure that it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I’m not saying that getting a prostate exam isn’t important, it is important, and if it really is the thought that counts then what better thought than “I hope that you are not super sick and about to die.” But also that is not a gift, CBS. I’m not sure who told you that was a gift, but it’s not a gift. A book is a gift. An XBOX 360 is a gift. A gift card is a gift. This is a routine medical exam. I’m also pretty sure that only suggesting this as a HANNUKAH gift is somehow really offensive. “Obviously, Christians will be giving each other real gifts this year, but look out, Jews!” Yikes. This guy knows what you’re talking about.

Oh, and in the event that you’re trying to find the perfect gift for a Jewish woman, CBS has got you covered:

“Oh, you shouldn’t have. Literally. You should not have done this. I will get my own pap smears, thanks. I hope that at the very least you also got me a real present, because obviously this is gross AND insufficient.” (Thanks for the tip, chasgoose.)

Comments (33)
  1. gross. I am DEFINITELY not going to any yankee swaps this year

  2. What do you expect??? We have eight nights of gifts to give! They can’t all be XBOX 360′s!

    • Channukah=caring, well being and Pap “Schmears”.
      Christmas=stress, in-fighting and Xbox 360′s.

      I know I’m being redundant but when you lay it out logically it really puts it in perspective.

  3. Just saying “pap smear” is uncomfortable.

    • When I was nine years old while visiting my grandmother, one of my mom’s sisters kept asking for a pop. While most of my aunts have spent their lives in Alabama, this aunt had lived in Chicago for many years, and her accent reflected this. Finally, after asking for a pop several times, my aunt Helen said “I don’t know if you’re talking about a coke or a trip to the gynecologist, Marie, so start speaking like a normal human being.” That was the day I learned what a pap smear was.

  4. what a thoughtful gift. now all the jewish cannibals won’t have to eat around his prostate

  5. “Just a SCHMEAR”?!!! Why the attitude?

  6. I’m pretty sure my prostate is not kosher, but to be fair, I haven’t been slaughtered via throat slitting, so I guess the jury is still out.

    That and my neighboring colon handles pork often. We’re gonna need a bigger body cavity if I gotta separate the kosher and non kosher sinks.

  7. “Pap smear” is just a clever euphemism for “plane ticket to Jerusalem plus baptism Super Saver’s Combo.” Jews, you’d better move to Israel and convert to Christianity or God will kill you with cancer! Let’s paint, exercise, and bring about the Apocalypse as foretold in the Book of Revelations. Palin 2012!

  8. They only had enough oil for one prostate exam, but somehow it lasted for eight prostate exams! Though these days my family only gets through two or three exams before we give up. I mean, we aren’t Orthodox or anything.

  9. Everyone knows that prostate exams are for Purim. And you don’t need a doctor. Just drink till you can’t tell Haman from Mordecai, and whatever happens happens.

  10. “For the fourth night, I got you this back massager, since your back always hurts when you come home from work.” “Honey, that is so thoughtful of you. My present to you is a doctor sticking a lubricated finger inside of your rectum!” “Is that your gift from last night, a handkerchief embroidered with the words ‘WIPE THE LUBE FROM YOUR ANUS,’ is for?” “…Yeah! Sure!”

  11. K-Stew is somewhere licking her lips in disgust as we speak

  12. A schlemiel is someone who gives a prostate exam as a Hannukah gift. A schlamazel is someone who receives a prostate exam as a Hannukah gift.

  13. I’m just grateful (except I’m not?) that I can now use the euphamism “I’m gonna light up her menorah” whenever I’m talking about plowing(not a chance) nice Jewish girls.

  14. This Chanukah, help out the man you married by calling the doctor your mother says you should have married.

  15. I just appreciate the vaguely Klezmer soundtrack. L’chaim! You’re tumor-free!

  16. Whew, I’m glad I’m not Jewish! I had enough stuff up my butt as a Catholic kid.

  17. This gives me an idea for a dynamite promotional tie-in with “Oy Vey! My Son is Gay!”

  18. i think “dont die from embarassment” is the worst part. someone should tell the art department they made a mistake. it should read “dont die from prostate cancer because creepy stereotypes in cbs psa’s made you wary to get a prostate exam”

  19. A real gift would be giving them the prostate exam/pap smear yourself

  20. I’ve never had a kosher prostate. What do they taste like?

  21. I always get them confused, what’s the difference between a pap schmear and a pap shtickle?

  22. Oh, also, if you schedule your wife’s pap smear, you might want to ask the doctor if he can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

  23. But Gabe, you forgot about the greatest gift of all:
    Directions to the Gathering of the Juggalos!

  24. Nothing says “The Holidays” like cold fingers and metal being jammed into you.

  25. It’s like jews are little kids and you have to trick them into seeing a doctor. It’s Hanukkah gift kids!

  26. Or it’s like, at least wash your hair for christmas! It’s christmas! It’s like jews are stinky teenagers.

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