Adam Lambert, whoever that is, has a music video out now for a song from the 2012 soundtrack called “Time for Miracles.” Fair enough! Just because you have a song on the 2012 soundtrack doesn’t mean you’ll actually survive 2012. Each of us has a meteor and/or tidal wave and/or lava-filled chasm with our name on it, and your ASCAP royalty check isn’t going to stop that, grrrrl. But also this music video is hilarious because A) it features Adam Lambert singing his stupid, awful song while walking through an Apocalyptic nightmarescape. How romantic?! SING TO ME WHILE WE RUN IN TERROR, ADAM LAMBERT! And B) it suggests that Adam Lambert will actually survive 2012.

Uh, no. No, he won’t.

When the real 2012 comes (and frankly, it can’t get here soon enough!) I predict Adam Lambert gets through three, maybe four words of this song before the Earth swallows him whole. He’s like “It’s late at niigh–” and then an aircraft carrier rolls over his face, leaving a dark streak of eyeliner leading all the way to hell.

But maybe my favorite part of this whole disaster is a link that was featured in the YouTube description for the official music video that led to an official website that is part of the 2012 promotion called http://whowillsurvive2012.com/. Obviously I clicked on it because I want to know who Sony Pictures thinks (in Sony Pictures’ infinite wisdom) is going to survive the END OF THE WORLD, and apparently they are running a contest (the winner gets a trip to visit Mayan ruins, which is retarded) to determine who will be “the leader of the post-2012 world.” WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER LOL. So again, I followed the link, because again, I want to know who Sony Pictures thinks will lead humanity from the darkness, and these are the nominees that we can vote for:

Click to enlarge.

Seriously? These dorks? No offense, but these guys don’t even look like they could manage being the leader of their on-line multi-player X-Box game. A bunch of Leroy Jenkinses over here. If these guys are our only hope, I would like a first class ticket to the Earth’s core on the S.S. FALL DOWN A HOLE.

Comments (30)
  1. He looks like he’s doin alright, amidst all the wreckage… We sure he’s not a cyborg? jussayin

  2. Is there a spot to write in my nomination for leader of the post-2012 world? Because I think we all know that the only hope for mankind is Topher Grace.

    • We should all email Walter Scott at Parade Magazine. Their track record for polls that make things happen is the best in the magazine business.

      • I would vote, but I’m already annoyed that parade.com auto-completes in my browser from the last time I obsessively voted in an internet poll.

  3. Since VG is now one of those trolling polls for lols places, I humbly propose we stuff the ballot box for Daniel Z. My reasons should be obvious.

    (Actually, don’t do that. Please.)

  4. Haha! No women will survive. The end of the world happens and these nerds are left with no one to make future nerds with.

  5. I disagree. I think running from my imminent death would be all the more poignant if backed to a powerful ballad…by Josh Groban. This song would be way better if he sang it instead…

  6. Soooo, his song stopped the destruction of the world or something? Nice. All we have to do is sing a heart-wrenching ballad and we can save the world! Celine Dion, you finally have a purpose.

  7. There are no slow songs in the apocalypse. THERE’S NO TIME. Throw an urgent dance tune in there. I’m thinking Please Don’t Stop the Music. Now THAT gets people outrunning a spreading chasm (TWSS).

  8. I wouldn’t have such a hard time with this song if it didn’t sound like a cheap (and very terrible) offshoot of “Across the Universe.”

  9. At first, I was like why are they releasing a music video for a movie that isn’t coming out for three years and I was very confused, but then I saw Gabe next to me and realized my head was in the yogurt cup as well. Its getting a little tight in here, WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER YOGURT CUP!

  10. Don’t be silly, Gabe. Of course Adam Lambert is going to survive the end of the world. He’s got magical Cindy Lauper makeup that makes him indestructible.

    In fact, he’s the one driving that car/flying that plane that’s always one step in front of destruction. Adam Lambert is our post-apocalyptic world leader. It’s all rig, you fools!

    It’d be great if someone could explain the connection between this cheesy ballad and an end of the world movie. Also, a trip to the mayan ruins make a lot of sense because their calendar predicts a cataclysm for December 2012 You didn’t do your wikipedia homework!

  11. Wait, I thought we’d be making fun of the fact that 2012 is actually wrong and there goes a lot of money (not on tickets for the movie but on making the movie) and a lot of jokes. Are we pretending like it didn’t happen because we’re secretly hoping humanity IS erased in 2012? Because I’m fine with that! I just need to know. Science!: http://science.slashdot.org/story/09/10/26/1517242/2012-a-Miscalculation-Actual-Calendar-Ends-2220?from=rss

  12. I see our leadership choices are all white men. Apparently, in 2012 our physical *and* ideological landmarks will be wiped out.

  13. Adam, I love you, you’re a doll and the sparkliest man on the face of the earth, but work on your lip-synching!

  14. Have you voted for Topher lately? We all may die ftom solar flare, planet aliened, earthquake, meteor floods in 3 years and some change but if we all work together Topher Grace will grace the silver screen as Clark Gable and we can all die in peace.

  15. Can I nominate myself? Cause I’m pretty sure that I could beat all these nerds up. Also I’m a girl.

    • i was just thinking, “i hope it’s not too late to enter the contect because i’m a hot, smart girl and i think i could win it all against these foolios.”

      post-apocalyptic matriarchal society FTW.

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