Jessica Alba is really hot. Kind of. I mean, she is. In her face. But the more you learn about her, the less hot she seems. For one thing, she’s not very good at acting, which is her job. And that’s problematic. It’s better when people are good at their jobs. Then they can take pride in what they do, and you can take pride with them. Yay! When they’re bad at their jobs, it’s just like, eesh. Not that Jessica Alba doesn’t have millions of dollars to help ease the pain of her terrible case of The Eeshes. But, you know. And also, I read this interview with her once where she talked about how as a child she was riddled with health problems and how doctors didn’t think she was going to live very long? The article was positing this fact as some kind of uplifting story about a girl who triumphed against all of the odds to be hot. “Doctors didn’t think she was going to be very hot, but then it turned out later that she was hot. Here is a box of tissues for your tears of awe-struck joy.” But the article had the opposite affect on me. Now whenever I see Jessica Alba, all I can think about is a bent over tiny child crippled by disease. I’m always nervous watching her, like she’s going to collapse in a heap, phlegm running out of her nose, thin, watery blood foaming at her mouth, and big, watery, yellow eyes staring into the camera as she squeaks out a thin, barely audible plea. “Kill me. Please.”

And of course there is that one picture of her, also known as The Picture. Embarrassing!

But for all of these things that we have learned about Jessica Alba over the years, and for as much as they make her seem like an inconsequential talent who is living on the borrowed time of her face’s youthfulness, looking back at Honey, an early Alba vehicle from 2003, it turns out she is actually, counter-intuitively, getting better with time! Unexpected.

Honey tells the story of Honey Daniels (Jessica Alba), a 22-year-old who works as a bartender, a record store clerk, and a dance instructor. That is a lot of jobs! But her real dream is to be a backup dancer in music videos. One night, when she is at the club where she bartends–mostly in exchange for free drinks and access to the dance floor–a young man videotapes her from the balcony. It turns out that he works as an assistant to Michael Ellis, who I guess is like Hype Williams or something. Naturally, he cannot believe the moves that she is doing, even though for the most part they look like pretty standard dancefloor fare. He tracks her down to be in a music video. Her dreams are coming true! That was easy! Within the first 25 minutes of the movie, Honey becomes a famous backup dancer in hip hop music videos, and her friends and dance students begin to complain that she is changing and no longer has time for them. Hold on a second! I can’t possibly invest myself in a cost-of-fame narrative when I don’t even know who the person is! Anyway, no time for that. Honey quickly moves from backup dancer to choreographer. She’s the new hotness. But that all goes sour very quickly when Michael Ellis, who for most of the movie has been very kind and supportive and generous with Honey, suddenly decides to try and have sex with her at a party because that is the most cliche plotline one could imagine for their relationship. She says no, and now she is blackballed from the Music Video Industry. It is too bad that when she was the biggest choreographer in town, she didn’t bother to get any kind of talent management or legal representation. Oh well. Oh, also she is trying to save Lil Romeo and his younger brother from a life of crime on the streets through dance. She met them in a back alley behind the night club? Naturally. And also she is dating Mekhi Phifer now.

Anyway, one day she is walking down the street and she sees a store front with a For Sale sign on the window and she realizes this would be “perfect” for a “dance studio, or even a dance school for the entire neighborhood.” Dream big, I guess. She goes to the bank and tries to buy the property, but she doesn’t have enough money, so she makes the bank a strange offer: she will put half of the deposit down now if they will keep the property off the market for a month while she collects the other half of the down payment. Even the bank is like “this is a terrible property on a terrible block, and you clearly have not bothered to even look at any other properties or do any kind of research into this whatsoever, but OK, it’s a deal?” But that is when she gets blacklisted from Music Video Town. Uh oh…how will she get the rest of the money she needs before…the bank…puts the property that no one wants…back on the market? She will hold a benefit! Mekhi Pfifer helps her find an old church that is about to be converted into office space (huh?) and is also filled with barrels (double huh?) to host her event. But Michael Ellis is realizing that maybe he made a mistake when Missy Elliott insists on using Honey as a choreographer for her next video. He offers to buy Honey her school if she’ll come back to work for him, but she says no. That she is going to get the school on her own. Although, wouldn’t getting the school by working be getting it on your own? Nevermind! I’m sorry, Honey! Anyway, everyone comes to the benefit. An investor from the bank LITERALLY GIVES THE THUMBS UP FROM THE AUDIENCE, because that is how business works. And all the children are saved from crime and also drugs.

Wait. How many movies was that? Are you sure it was just one? It seemed like a lot more than one movie.

Why are there so many dramatic conflicts? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like for movies to have a little complexity, but this is outlandish! Here are just a few of the plotlines:

-Honey’s rags to riches rise and fall in the music video industry
-Honey’s friends feel she has abandoned them
-Honey’s music video director mentor loves and then wants to rape her
-Honey’s mom wants her to do ballet instead of hip hop dance, because of how ballet takes you so many places these days?
-Honey has a dance rival from the club who is competing for the only spot as a dancer/choreographer in the whole city apparently. Her name is Katrina.
-Will she ever go on a date with Mekhi Pfifer?
-Will the bank put the building no one wants on the market before she has a time to put a down payment on it?

That last one is seriously one of my favorite plotlines of all time. Seriously? That is the dramatic tension? The bank is going to put a property that has clearly been lying fallow for months back on the market if she doesn’t raise the money in time? But she could still raise the money and buy it once it’s back on the market? Since no one else is buying it? Just to be clear on what is happening? I haven’t been this nervous about real estate since it looked like Mikey’s dad was going to have to sell the Goondocks to the country club developers! Just kidding. I actually was nervous about the Goondocks. I was not nervous about the building that Honey set her heart on after walking by it randomly on the street one day as if there wasn’t another empty building in all of New York.

Although, nothing that anyone does makes any sense. When Honey goes on her first date with Mekhi Phifer, he says “come with me, I want to show you something,” and then he just takes her to the barber shop that he owns? And they sit in barber shop chairs and talk about their hopes and dreams? What did he want to show her? How little sense everyone’s motivations in this movie make and how almost no thought seems to have been put into any aspect of it whatsoever? Because in that case: DONE!

Also, the whole thing is just so terribly dated:

Tweet? THE TWEET?

That is some Hollywood magic right there. Even when Tweet did have her only song that everyone has ever heard of, no one, and especially not little children torn between a life of drug dealing and a life of dance (the two kinds of lives) would have had this reaction. Although there were some other more respectable cameos.

Jadakiss!

Ginuwine!

Missy!

Fonzworth Bentley?

The movie was prescient in a couple of ways. It did star Jesisca Alba before she was Jessica Alba. And it does predate the upcoming dance craze of the mid-to-late ’00s. But did it have to do so in such terrible fashion? I mean, I understand that dance is all around us, but it’s also not really all around us, you know? Like, sometimes a basketball is just a basketball. Just like how sometimes a person with a slack-jawed face is just an idiot.

I was kind of hoping they would go Dancer in the Dark at the end and hang Honey in prison. NO DICE.

Another thing that was so funny in this movie was how everyone would give a thorough round of high fives and congratulatory handshakes after every successful sequence of three dance steps in a row. Step-step-step-congratulations. They were constantly breaking to congratulate each other. More time was spent shaking hands than was actually spent DRUMLINING. Meanwhile, the song has four minutes left in it that you need to figure out dance moves for. GET TO WORK!

And Jessica Alba, please stop referring to the Community Center as the “Community Cenner.” You are almost as terrible at doing J-Lo impersonations as you are at keeping your mouth closed when you’re thinking!

Oh, also: the soundtrack? Like, the movie starts off strong with a Ghostface Killah song, and at first I was like “Ghostface Killah soundtrack, how bad can this really be?” Well first of all, very bad. But second of all, I think the spent all of their soundtrack budget on the song. The rest of the music was the weirdest decontextualized nightmare garbage music from a Greeting Card about a Dentist’s Office Waiting Room.

Although to be fair to the soundtrack, lots of details were ridiculous and hilarious. Like the church that they are “converting to office space”?

What great offices that building will convert into!

And at one point Lil Romeo, who is, like, nine, gets arrested and goes to jail. Like, jail jail?

I guess it was 2003, when America’s Child Jail Laws were much more lenient from state-to-state than they are today. Back then you could put a child in jail just for looking at you wrong. (Huh?)

All in all, this was a very sloppy, silly movie. “But Gabe, how is it even possible that this low-budget movie with no stars in it about a girl whose dream is to be in Tweet’s newest music video possibly turn out bad?” I don’t know. There are mysteries all around us.

Next week: Gone in 60 Seconds. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (154)
  1. Andy Rooney game!

    “Jessica Alba is really hot. There are mysteries all around us.”

  2. KBO  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +10

    I like the finale benefit dance at the community centre. People have paid money and then they come out and dance for at the most 6 mins. PEOPLE PAID FOR 6 MINS OF DANCE? and then they have 15 mins of hugging each other and missy elliott in a limo.

  3. Oh no, what! I was so excited when I saw this was about Honey, because this movie has exactly one good part and I really need someone to make a gif of it. Honey and Mekhi Pfifer are coming home from a date or something, and I think they’re about to say goodnight to each other (kiss?) and Honey trips and falls down for no reason. It’s great. Actually, this whole movie is great. Terrible guilty pleasure fun. At least that’s what I thought when I watched it 4 years ago. Anyone?

  4. Because I am a feminist who inexplicably enjoys objectifying women [it's the boobs] I would like to say that Jessica Alba is not that hot. She is no Megan Fox. This comment deserves a downvote for being stupid.

    Also, it’s so funny when she’s just standing by the fence, waddling. Like, a bunch of young guys are playing basketball, like they do everyday, and Jessica Alba is standing 5 feet away from them waddling and making vague shooting movements with her arms. And they don’t notice. LOL in my pants.

  5. I have a suggestion!
    Catch and release with Jennifer Garner… and Kevin Smith.. and Juliette Lewis..
    I really thought that movie was done in the WMOAT, but I couldn’t find it, so I am suggesting it now. It may not be THE worst, but it really wasn’t good at all…

    • I second the nomination for Catch & Release. It’s hideous, and because of this movie and Kevin Smith, I’ll never buy Celestial Seasonings again.

      Also, please do Sahara. McConaughey, Penelope Cruz, and Steve (Why are you so good, yet so terrible?) Zahn duke it out to see who can take the biggest dump on their lines.

      • Kindly explain the connection between kevin smith and celestial seasonings.

        • I haven’t seen Catch and Release, but I do know it’s set in Boulder, CO, which is incidentally where the Celestial Seasonings factory is. This is clearly all common knowledge (it is not at all common knowledge).

          • Yes, Kevin Smith’s character works for Celestial Seasonings and wears various tie-dyed Celestial Seasonings tees throughout the movie. Also, I’ll simply never forgive Kevin Smith for his latter-day crimes against humanity.

      • SECONDED!

        I loved this movie. SO MUCH. I have said this before, but come on, Matthew McConaughey was so bad that all the lines that should been said by the hero were given to the sidekick. Which is why I love Steve Zahn. Also, anytime Penelope Cruz said she was with the W-H-O I found it necessary to say “The who?” BEST BAD MOVIE EVER.

      • If this movie has saved you from the awfulness of Celestial Seasonings, count your blessings. Try some Revolution Tea and see what tea actually tastes like.

    • Kiril  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 +1

      This not being able to figure out if a movie has been in the WMOAT thing is an actual thing that needs to be addressed. Yes, we can try to remember with our brains or try searching with our fingers, or even scrolling through page after page. But I have a better idea. I think there needs to be a single page somewhere with just a list of all the movies in the Hunt. And each title in the list will be a link to that post. One page, just the links. I like this idea. If Gabe will do this, I will finally register.

  6. I have a lot of ugh in my heart over “I Heart Huckabees”.

    • So weird how two people can really like movies, and then after seeing the same movie one think’s it’s fantastic and watches it over and over and the other thinks it’s one of the worst movies of all time. Like, to think “that was great” vs. “meh” I understand or even a “it was alright” to ” i hate it”, but this kind of spread among people who like movies? Wild.

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. Another excellent WMOAT. I especially like the slick new video player. Your trip to meet the Lawnmower Man really paid off!

  9. Are Seltzer and Friedberg movies off limits for the hunt? I can think of few things worse than a Seltzer and Friedberg movie.

  10. I whipped this up for comparison’s sake. Note the almost identical passion and intensity in the eyes. More like Jessica BRANDOlba, amirite?

  11. Sheek Louch of The Lox is also in that pic with Jada. Just sayin’.

  12. Missy Elliot expresses all our feelings about this movie in one simple gesture.
    Thus ends my first day of unemployment, which I have wisely spent commenting on every single Videogum post today. In 3 years of employment I haven’t felt this fulfilled.
    Thank you, recession, you wonderful shit.

  13. “The Picture” was a staple of my dorm. It was seriously on every cork board next to the desks. No comment as to whether or not it was on mine.

  14. It should be “opposite Effect,” not “opposite Affect.” #grammarjerk

  15. Ty  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +8

    My I suggest Congo for the hunt. Terrible, just terrible.

    • I actually have really fond memories of Congo, mostly because my middle school (age locked in) friends and I liked to draw out head-smashing gorillas that thwarted the efforts of military contractors to use laser-diamonds for evil. I would definitely like to see it get the WMOAT treatment.

      Has Coyote Ugly seriously never been nominated? I submit to the court: Tyra Banks!

      • Coyote Ugly!

        The first time I saw the scene where the girl goes up to the roof to write her stupid song on her keyboard made me cringe with embarrassment. The second time I saw that scene was just as bad.

    • Oooohhh…Congo is a great suggestion! Never before or since has a silver-screen gorilla been more loathed than “Amy.” Shut. Up. Amy. Also, shame on Tim Curry – star of Rocky Horror and Clue – for being in that awful movie.

  16. MISSAY!
    more missy gif’s all the time please

  17. It’s not a horrible movie because it captures the semi-literate, doe-eyed backup dancer in all of us. All the backup dancers in the audience loved it. The writer did a great job of portraying the existential angst of backup dancing, how we are not bound by the sexy floor taps in our hands, but by the sexy floor taps in our hearts. Also, Ghostface Killah is the Arcade Fire of juvenille detention centers.

  18. Has Gabe ever done “You Got Served”? Because it’s hilarious! I’ve considered suggesting it but I thought that dance movies might be discouraged because they are so often ridiculous.

    Actually, on second thought, “You Got Served” has far too much unintended comedic value to really be criticized. Even Gabe could never really do it justice. You should all just watch it yourselves.

  19. Last night I was watching “Premonition” with Sandy Bullock on Sci-Fi (SyFy?) and epiphanied all over my jeans that it’s WMOAT material. It’s pretty much Lake House 2: The Edge of Reason.

    • I watched that once.
      My only vague memory of that movie is the part where the coffin falls out of the back of the hearse (or whatever happens in that scene along those lines) because if you slow it down you can see that the guy’s head actually flies out and bounces on the pavement a few times.
      I think that’s enough evidence to support its nomination for WMOAT.

    • Yes, yes, YES.
      I saw this on some pay channel recently and could not stop watching. My television was daring me to turn it off with all of the stupidity it was displaying before my eyes, but I had to find out how they made sense of this ridiculous story. And of course, they didn’t. No sense whatsoever.
      A perfect fit for the Hunt!

    • I watched this last night on your guys’ recommendation.

      I now know why you’re called monsters.

      JIM DIES!! (circle in red marker underline underline underline)

    • Kiril  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 0

      Boycotting that channel for that awful rebranding.

  20. HOPE FLOATS. Oh. Mah. Gawd. I think I’ve nominated it before, but I’m doing it again because this movie deserves nothing but barf and vitriol and more barf.

    • Oh man, I had almost forgotten about Hope Floats. Fuck you for reminding me. I second this nomination. Sorry, Gabe’s eyes and ears.

    • im more of a tv person than a movie theater person, so most of the movies i fondly remember are the kind that get rerun over and over on tbs. hope floats melts my cold heart and also drove me to illegally download an mp3 of a garth brooks song. (just kidding riaa, its sarcasm!) also the romantic lead is someone im told is also a singer, which is always a sign of quality. other movies that share this distinction include overboard, a league of their own, coming to america, and ghostbusters II. are any of those also what a discerning person might call terrible? im too deeply entrenched to tell.

  21. Having Emma Watson at your school is pretty great though, even with the incessant Harry Potter jokes.

  22. Gabe: Do you think that Jessica Alba wears a fake butt in this movie?

    Yes, I am a grown person asking a question about whether or not Jessica Alba pads her butt.

  23. A Lot Like Love. Please.

  24. In your recap of the various plot lines you failed to mention the important sub plot with Lil Romeo getting his hair cut and the long arduous hard sell Jessica Alba had to put him (and us) through in order to make the hair cut happen. I remember wondering if this plot line was going to take up the entire movie, aka is this forever? Jessica Alba sure pours on the honey… then she fails to lick it off.

  25. cosi1  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +3

    No, you could throw a black child in jail for looking at you the wrong way in 2003. Wow I didn’t know Jessica Alba’s acting could get any worse than in ‘Fantastic 4 Rise of the Silver Surfer.’ And I second who nominated ‘Catch and Release’ because it is bad enough to qualify. Still nomating ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’

  26. This was a great WMOAT. The “dance your way out” genre consistently offers gems like Honey. More please!

  27. Please consider Factory Girl for WMOAT. A terrible movie.

  28. The movie Higher Learning IS the worst movie of all time.
    “Let’s just put another American flag behind someone while they talk about race, SYMBarfISM!”

  29. Do really super-mainstream movies that are only made to make tons of money count? Like Transformers, etc.? Because, if so, I nominate National Treasure *shudders and ughs*.

    • I see your National Treasure. And I’ll raise you a National Treasure II.

      • I would like Gabe to see them back to back. (sorry Gabe). I mean, really, it’s practically the same movie twice anyways.

        I would really like to nominate all movies in which (otherwise perfectly acceptable) action movie stars play intelligent people. This would include whatever movie it was with Charlie Sheen as an astrophysicist with glasses, the Bond movie with Denise Richards as a Nuclear scientist, and of course, National Treasure.

        • Oh god, Knowing. Has that already been done? I’m too lazy to check this morning. But this brings up a great point: With the exception of Raiders of the Lost Arc (nostalgia), any movie that has a scene where the protagonist is a college professor or boarding school teacher, and one of the doe-eyed students asks the right question to elicit plot device information as a response from said protagonist (after he/she tells a science one-liner that everyone laughs merrily at), classifies that movie as an instant UGH for me.

          • Oh, and – aliens. That’s all I’m going to say about having actually seen Knowing. I have to carry that burden with me. Are you going to have to make a rule about Nick Cage, Gabe?

        • I also strongly recommend the movie w/ Charlie Sheen, The Arrival. I had to IMDB it for the title, whereupon I saw that Sheen’s character’s name is Zane Zaminsky. Please, please, please do The Arrival!

          • Oops, that was supposed to be in response to SeeYouNextTuesday’s recommendation. I got too excited about possible future Hunts.

        • That would be a great challenge for Double Dog. Too bad Lindsay is gone. Otherwise I triple dog dare Gabe to see these two back to back.

  30. I second the vote for the WMOAT treatment for Higher Learning. Precursor to Crash

  31. It might seem cruel to shit on the last creation of someone who was tragically murdered, but I say Waitress deserves a place in the Hall of WMOAT. A movie about characters with real problems (only some of which make sense), which build through the plot until everything miraculously gets solved with the birth of a baby and a check from Andy Griffith. What the hell was anyone supposed to get out of that? Have a kid and all your problems will probably be solves, especially if you happen to know Andy Griffith?

    • I disagree…you can’t put that movie in the same category as What Dreams May Come and The Lake House.

      • But it belongs right next to Elizabethtown and The Last Kiss. There are some WMOATs, like Honey and Bicentennial Man, that are just ridiculous and stupid. Others, however, are actually fairly well made and well written; they just have really infuriating messages. Waitress fits in nicely with the latter category.

        • I completely disagree. I thought it was charming. The acting was a touch spotty, and the writing a little odd at times, but the smothering husband parts are done extremely well. This is the first I’ve heard of anyone disliking it.

  32. Kevin  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +5

    I’m sorry I’ve never seen Dancer in the Dark. Is that something that everyone here has seen? Because I haven’t, and I think the ending is ruined for me now.

    • It’s a depressing Lars von Trier movie starring Bjork. Does that sound like a movie you were going to see, because that sounds like the opposite of any movie I would enjoy watching.

    • The ending is not ruined. She dances (it’s well-lit by spotlights) and gets a job in a metal-stamping facility that might also be a hand-crushing facility. She needs glasses and is American. My girlfriend had a stuffed bear who could talk. I was often maneuvered into conversations with him (Mr Bear) and once he told me his favorite move was Dancer in the Dark. It’s good if you like things that are not 100% likable.

    • It is not ruined. She dances (it’s well-lit by spotlights) and works at a metal-stamping facility that might also be a hand-crushing facility. She needs glasses and is American. My girlfriend had a stuffed bear who could talk. Often she maneuvered me into conversations with him (Mr Bear) and once he said Dancer in the Dark was his favorite movie. It’s good if you like things that are not 100% likable.

    • It is one of my all time favorite movies, which might give you a small glimpse into my psyche. That said, ignore Gabe and watch it anyway, and if you haven’t killed yourself by the end, you win an ice cream cone! You have to buy it for yourself, but you’ll appreciate being able to see the toppings!

  33. kweezy  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +15

    Two things missing:

    1. “I teach hip hop at the Cen-ta.” I still use that in everyday conversation. You’d be surprised at how much better that sounds than “I’m unemployed”.

    2. This was supposedly based on a true story, and they made the real Honey (who’s black) an extra in her own movie! Dayum!

  34. When I saw “dance” and “basketball” in the same sentence, I was expecting a Catwoman-style basketball-dance-fight

  35. As always: A Walk to Remember. Because it’s more like A Walk I Wanna FORGET! Am I right guys?! NAILED IT

  36. I was supposed to be a sassy back dancer during the music video sequence. I never showed up on set because I started college and ended my short career of being an extra.

    Irregardless, stay in school kids!

  37. Do Lou Taylor Pucci and Kristen Bell count as A or B-listers? If so, I would like to nominate the insanely-terrible-on-every-level-imaginable Fifty Pills. Don’t ask me why I watched it, but after watching two scenes and realizing how staggeringly awful it was, I needed to see the whole thing out of morbid curiosity.
    It’s as if some Martian came out his mother’s Martian-womb already fifty-years-old, scribbled down random words he thought a human young person would say and sold it to an Earthling studio. It get’s extra (dis)credit for completely shaming the hilarious Jane Lynch.
    This one’s a very strong contender for the title, Gabe. Very strong.

  38. Um, hello? Where is the spoiler alert for the ending of Dancer in the Dark! I was just going to rent that tonight. It’s been on my netflix queue since 2000 and finally the “Short Wait” was over. :’(

  39. I liked the part about here mother telling her that ballet will take her places hip-hop never will… of course, ’cause look at all the ballet dancers on TV and in the movies and this hip-hop is just a fad and shut up mom.

  40. Dan  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +4

    Lil Romeo looks SO MUCH like Snoop from The Wire in these scenes!

  41. I wish Jessica Alba simulated other ghetto activities like arson or the masturbation of the homeless. I also wish this movie was never made.

  42. I wish Jessica Alba simulated other ghetto activities like arson or the masturbation of the homeless. I also wish this movie was never made.

  43. I wish Jessica Alba simulated other ghetto activities like arson or the masturbation of the homeless. I also wish this movie was never made.

  44. The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about Gran Torino, and I said, “Oh man, you wouldn’t believe what Gabe said about that!” Like we were real friends or something.

    I don’t know. Freaked me out a little bit.

  45. My dad’s best friend wrote this gem of a screenplay. True (unfortunate) story.

  46. uhhhh is that davey from newsies next to jadakiss?

    • HOLY COW, you are right! I am a tenured professor of Christian Bale studies and am ashamed not to have noticed that. The eyes of your avatar tell me I am just a virgin who can’t spot Newsies actors :(

  47. I am sad to say this may be my choice for the worst movie of all time for two reasons.
    1) recognizing this film as the polar end of anything is contradictory to its outstanding mediocrity.
    2) I paid money to see this movie in a theatre in high school, and something about it (perhaps its pulse-pounding narrative, its shocking revelations about life and the human condition, or maybe just the choreography) decided to trigger my mind’s inevitable decline into panic disorder.

    aka I had my first panic attack while seeing this film and I haven’t been able to go into a movie theatre since. :( I broke the proverbial bad movie mirror, maybe next year, after 7 years of bad luck, I’ll be able to see The Revenge of Kitty Galore in theatres!!

  48. Gabe, you forgot the best(worst) part of this movie: the bonus features. There is a video of Jessica Alba teaching us to “Dance Like Honey.” Because Honey’s moves were really awesome?

  49. Ahem, that’s Ginuwine. I’ll see myself out.

  50. I meant what I said and.I said what I meant. Chasing Amy should be included in the next round of the hunt. Also, an elephant’s faithful, 100 percent.

  51. AWAY WE GO

  52. Almond Joy  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 +1

    If Jessica Alba lived in that neighbourhood she would have to roll around in the pope-mobile because it would be non-stop harassment. I mean there guys who beat off to this movie (I’ve heard) and there isn’t even nudity in it.

  53. Blindness. I have so much hate for that movie. It was vile, which I’m usually okay with, but it was vile to no particular end, and vile in completely nonsensical ways, and otherwise good actors were kind of terrible in it. All wrapped in the icky guise of making an Important Statement that.. what? People are horrible? Like that’s news? Awful.

  54. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  55. I’d like to nominate Law Abiding Citizen…. too soon? Naw.

  56. I’d like to nominate Law Abiding Citizen…. too soon? Naw.

  57. I went to middle school with a girl named Honey. She also used to thin with her mouth open.

  58. I’m too lazy to look- has the last Indiana Jones movie been nominated or reviewed?

  59. Ric  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 0

    S Darko… worst ever!

  60. sarah palin  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 +6

    40 days and 40 nights
    starring josh hartnett as a dude who gets raped

  61. I would love to nominate the Planet of the Apes (REMAKE). That was so so so bad.

    Or, how about (everyone will hate me for this) The Notebook?

  62. electricgibbon  |   Posted on Oct 20th, 2009 0

    I nominate Righteous Kill and 88 Minutes.

  63. IQuestion  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 +1

    Do WMOAT for DEEP BLUE SEA! Deep Blue Sea Deep Blue Sea Deep Blue Sea Deep Blue Sea. God I’m watching it right now, its SO horrible

  64. Brothers Bloom. Please.

  65. Color of Night  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 0

    Oh not even. For lucky worst movie, choose COLOR OF NIGHT (1994)
    You can try to avoid it, but no amount of mindbleach can wipe it out. It’s going to compete, and it will win. All of those pretentious actors, I mean they were really trying hard over there.

    Oh and American History X rocks, that’s a classic. Creepy old Stacy Keach! C’mon now.

  66. Antitrust with Tim Robbins and Ryan Phillippe.

    • Oh my God yes. The sesame seeds! Really? That’s your angle?
      Also a professional casting director cast Ryan Phillipe (3’4″) and Tim Robbins (9’11″) together and made them try to appear on the same screen despite their hilarious height difference. If they are both standing in a scene, you basically see the top of Ryan’s head and Tim’s torso.
      This movie is totally forgettable, but memorably awful. It will make sense if GABE WATCHES THE MOVIE!

  67. I always thought the rapey music video director was supposed to be a thinly veiled portrait of Brett Ratner.

  68. SUPERNOVA. Walter Hill directed this thing so badly, he Alan Smithee’d his name off of it. Even Coppola couldn’t save it in the editing bay, though he did hilariously try and blackface (blackskin?) footage of Robin Tunney banging some guy so that it magically looked like James Spader and Angela Basset had even more hot space sex than they shot.
    A truly abyssmal movie for the ages!

  69. barkbat  |   Posted on Oct 22nd, 2009 +1

    Sahara. Made Crystal Skull look like it was made by Da Vinci on ritalin after a really deep massage.

  70. The worst thing about this movie was the incredibly underwhelming dance scenes, because it’s suppose to be about this incredibly talented dancer/choreographer. I mean, the director couldn’t even do a decent edit to make you go “daaaammmmnn, that was hot! I could never dance like that”. We all know those music videos are all about that, it’s easy to make Honey look like the most talented person in the world when they bring the arch rival to twist her belly like a 2-dollar bill ho. Blah!

  71. The worst thing about this movie was the incredibly underwhelming dance scenes, because it’s suppose to be about this incredibly talented dancer/choreographer. I mean, the director couldn’t even do a decent edit to make you go “daaaammmmnn, that was hot! I could never dance like that”. We all know those music videos are all about that, it’s easy to make Honey look like the most talented person in the world when they bring the arch rival to twist her belly like a 2-dollar bill ho. Blah!

  72. Joe  |   Posted on Oct 22nd, 2009 0

    I’m nominating, “Biker Boyz”. Yes, thats Boys with a z! My ex girlfriend dragged me to the theater to see this movie. I knew it was going to be horrible, but I had picked “Gangs of New York” the last time we had seen a movie, and it was long, and she hated it. So I watched this piece of shit! My Ex wasn’t one to apologize for anything, but she immediately did just that after making me watch Biker Boyz, the worst movie ever!

  73. I nominate WANTED for worst movie of all time. Has that eye/ear/soul sore been denigrated yet?

  74. Marshall  |   Posted on Oct 23rd, 2009 -1

    ERASERHEAD because some people believe that David Lynch is a genius – coincidentally, those people have never seen ERASERHEAD

  75. I can’t stress enough how truly terrible Higher Learning is. UNLEARN

  76. kate handy  |   Posted on Oct 24th, 2009 0

    the guys at The Bad Film Club will be able to point you in the direction of a whole HOST of terrible films!!!

    http://www.badfilmclub.com

    Kt

  77. The Gingerdead Man. PLEASE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2065epgY2E or the Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0SuKTAMnbQ yes, that is a dick (character.) You’re welcome.

  78. I nominate Fools Gold. It’s How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days… with pirates. And a guy named Bigg Bunny Deez. And sex in a church. And two main characters who are terrible people that you are supposed to root for that fell into, then out of, and then into love again, because finding treasures makes people fall back in love with their estranged partners! Hooray!

  79. THE WOMEN. Easily one of, if not THE worst movie i’ve ever seen.

  80. This movie was like a bad Glitter.
    O_O

  81. dont like it??dont fuckin watch the movie.its a good movie with great choreography.It’s not made for you 30-something douchebags with nothing better to do than bash on everything in the known universe cause you can’t get a girlfriend.It’s a movie for teens you morons..so obviously you have nothing better to do with your time anyway..so go rent a movie thats made for you..ya know people who still live with their mom

  82. Dr. Thatwasthejoke, visiting us from Jezebel today.

  83. Ty  |   Posted on Oct 21st, 2009 0

    Obviously you don’t have a day job.

  84. Hmm. A less work-safe comment than most. Unless you work at Bonerland Magazine (you do not work at Bonerland Magazine).

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