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If there was one week to miss so far this season, it was last week. Hilary Duff? Tyra Banks? Come on. I mean, I know this show is a make-believe dystopian nightmare for children, but one celebrity guest at a time, please. My favorite part of the whole episode was when Lily finally came back (FINALLY) and Serena explained that she wasn’t going to Brown because that was the only way to keep her on the show this season she was going to get a job instead and figure out what she wanted to do with her life. And Lily is like “you should really go to college.” And Serena says “if getting a job is what it is going to take to prove to you that I am serious, then that is what I have to do.” Wait, huh? I mean, if your plan for the year is to get a job instead of going to college, then weren’t you going to get a job anyway? Now you are using the job that you just said you were getting as a bargaining chip for your mother’s approval? Do you guys like how I am pretending that Serena is a real person and not a terrible two-dimensional asshole? Anyway, what a silly episode. Let’s just put it behind us. Which we can do for the most part, since many of last week’s plotlines were neatly wrapped up. Serena was such a good publicist for 12 hours of that one day! Oh, although one on-going plotline is that Dan is still dating Hilary Duff (sure), but she’s conveniently away on a tour of Asia in support of her new movie, Je M’Appelle Clown, or whatever.

Here is Dan chatting with her on-line.

To be fair, dude didn’t know how to use Google two weeks ago, so it makes sense that this is how he chats with someone on-line. Also what is that little computer he is using? I mean, I know that it is product placement for the new Samsung X-Box, or whatever, but really? He is a college student. He is not going to have some middle-management business executive’s first class airplane cabin toy that helps him get work done on a long trans-continental flight without overloading his carry-on item. He is going to have a regular size computer. I will not budge on this. The show can play with the malleable reality of adult-child relationships and the flimsy upstairs-downstairs of soap opera class conflict, but they cannot toy with the simplistic laws governing student-computer purchasing trends.

Says Professor Business.

SAY HI TO GODZILLA FOR ME. ROTFUghing.

But also, Georgina won’t stop calling Dan! Vanessa is like maybe you should tell her that you’re seeing someone else. At what point is everyone going to realize that Vanessa’s advice is ALWAYS the WORST advice. Has she ever done anything that hasn’t resulted in a melt-down fiasco threatening everyone’s very concept of reality? She seriously wears a lot of pretentious Egyptian Queen shit for someone who’s so clueless about every single thing.

For some reason, Vanessa ends up being the one who tells Georgina that Dan is seeing Hilary Duff, and Georgina threatens to tell everyone that Scott is Rufus and Lily’s son if Vanessa doesn’t force Dan to break up with Hilary Duff. And Vanessa immediately agrees to this plan? Again with the Vanessa and the not knowing anything. Because that is some seriously weak blackmail is what that is. Scott IS Rufus and Lily’s son, and it’s not Vanessa’s job to guard that information? And Georgina thinks that Dan will hate Vanessa if he finds out that she knew and didn’t tell him, but a) Dan is too self-involved to hate anyone (“How could you keep this from me, I wrote a story for the New Blorker!”) and b) just no because no. Dan eventually catches Vanessa doing a Photoshop of Hilary Duff with Orlando Bloom, and that is when she is forced to admit the whole plot anyway.

Easy enough! Like, seriously, the end. Dan is not mad at her, they just make up a plan to get back at Georgina. I’m sure Vanessa filed this away in the Do Not Learn Anything For Next Time section of her brain.

MEANWHILE: Rufus and Lily aren’t talking because Lily blames Rufus for Serena not going to college. Hahah. Yes. That is how it works. You raise a child until they are of college age, and then, after their entire lifetime of terrible decision making due to a complete lack of parental boundaries or discipline, you blame the newest bad decision on the influence of your current boyfriend. Lily is basically the world’s best mom. We know that. But it also turns out she’s the world’s best, and most reasonable person. I am so glad that she is back! (No I am not!) Because she is not talking to Rufus, she is looking through all of her old wedding albums. Serena is like “oh, that was your dream wedding, with the flowers, and the fahgwah.” Fahgwah. LOL. This show is so fancy!

The kids all stage a Parent Trap coup to get Rufus and Lily to talk to each other at a midtown restaurant, and Lily and Rufus are like “smiles smiles smiles, our kids are so charming,” but then within five minutes they decide that they “aren’t ready to talk”? What does that even mean? You are living together and have made a thousand terribly irresponsible decisions in regards to the well-being of your children in order to satisfy your adolescent lust for each other (yuck, btw) only to find yourselves incapable of talking? Over lunch? Waiter, a round of bullet soup, please, for the lovebirds.

But then they decide that they are talking. Oh good. And not only that, they decide that since they are talking, maybe they should just get married tomorrow. PERFECT THINKING. So everyone works very hard to get the wedding together in less than 24 hours at the botanical gardens, and everything is going according to ridiculous, completely unrealistic plan, when OH NO, here is Georgina with Scott! They’re going to ruin everything by telling Rufus and Lily about their long-lost child! It does seem true that their flimsy, bullshit relationship probably couldn’t handle the news of the napkin rings being the wrong size, so this could be problematic, but my other favorite part of Georgina’s plan is how it depends on Scott being completely willing and ready to take part in it? Which he suddenly is with no explanation of why his motivations have changed at all?

So Scott walks up while Lily and Rufus are fighting (match made in heaven!) and is like “you guys are still getting married, though, right?” and Lily screams at him? Because she is an adult? And the first thing that an adult always does is scream at a teenager she doesn’t know? Especially an adult who is supposedly super classy and full of social grace? Yes. And Scott disappears. And Georgina spills all the beans. And now the wedding is canceled. But also Rufus and Lily go to find Scott in Chinatown before he gets on the Chinatown bus. For some reason, they wander all over Chinatown instead of just standing next to the bus waiting for him? They seriously make no sense. They should take some of their money and leisure time and take classes on Making Sense. Anyway, they do find Scott, but Scott is like “I would never have found you if I didn’t think you were in love and getting married.” Huh? What on Earth? But Rufus and Lily are like “we love each other that’s why we fight, you’ve probably never even heard of fighting since you’re just a tiny tiny baby, but now we hug you.” Good. They are a terrible family, so we can drop them all off a cliff. (WE’RE GONNA NEED A TALLER CLIFF!)

And then it is time for the actual wedding! It’s just like Jim and Pam’s wedding! The thing we have all been waiting for! Just kidding! But Sonic Youth is there? UHHHHHH. And not only is Sonic Youth there, but Kim Gordon is OFFICIATING!?!?!?!? Is there a suicide gun store on Starfield Road? Because I need to put a bull in my heather and end this.

I love how much no one cares about Sonic Youth. Look at Nate:

“I hate you, Sonic Youth.”

I also love that they claim “there are some songs that just make you want to dance.” Sure. But not that song. Not even close. That song makes me want to sit in my high school civics class and write Cure lyrics on my jeans. Oof, Sonic Youth. OOF.

Comments (48)
  1. Colin  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 0

    I. Don’t. Understand.

  2. Dan  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +5

    Is that acoustic Sonic Youth? ABOMINATION!

  3. I did not watch this episode (yay?), but was there no Chuck and Blair? I enjoy their unceasingly ridiculous relationship. Also, when did Little J become Courtney Love Lite?

  4. John  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +10

    There was perfect weather for most of this episode except for the downpour that happened when Scott showed up. It’s like the old saying about New York City weather, “If you don’t like the symbolism, just wait five minutes for the love child to show up.”

  5. Dan Humphrey in that first gif = Keyboard Cat

  6. That Sonic Youth tag is criminally underused.

  7. I ONCE had a friend WHO was really THE FUCK into the Sonic YOUTH AND would go ON AND on about how ANTI-EVERYTHING THEY were with their sound and attitude. HOW THEY fuckin refused TO PLAY the goddamn game. I hope HE SAW THE fuck out of THIS episode.

  8. Dan is so hateful. He not only casts judgement on his friends and loved ones, but on you and me and everyone as well. Ha Gotta go. Smug bastard.
    He’s his father’s son.

  9. Hannah  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +11

    So, Scott is August Rush?

  10. That Sonic Youth segment was total trash.
    RIGHT YOU GUYS??? RIGHT???
    UPVOTE AWAY!!!!!!

  11. THE way that “the” SONIC YOUTH were basically props in that scene was hilarious. People just kept actually BUMPING THEM OUT OF THE WAY while moping about the reception. AMAZING.

  12. If the writers weren’t allowed to use the phrases “not going to Brown”, “if I went to Brown” & “if you went to Brown”, it would be a very short show.
    —–
    Also, Kim & Thurston have a kid in or around high school age (I remember when she was a toddler in the Washing Machine sleeve b/c I’m old!) so I think they were doing this for her.

    • they were on gilmore girls once too. perhaps you are onto something about doing it for their kid, although i think that the paycheck and exposure on gossip girl would probably seal the deal.

      • I actually thought about Gilmore Girls while watching this episode. I thought about how one of the best parts of the original GG was their clever use of pop culture references. And how Gossip Girl (GG: Reflux) uses pop culture references like Courtney Love name drops. Like in the wedding planning scene (I also entrust the details of my wedding to my lifelong soulmate to children), when they’re all “Collicchio laughed in my face” and “Look at me, all Project Runway over here!”

        It’s quantity over quality. And it’s terrible.

  13. “And I promise to eat caviar without spitting it in my napkin when we go to dinner at Mayor Bloomberg’s, as long as he knows when he comes to our house, he’s eating my chili,” says Worsty McWorstworst.
    And the crowd laughs “Oh, hahaha! We are SO rich.”
    And Kim Gordon smiles.
    And vomit.

  14. eric  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +4

    Gabe, have you signed that book deal yet for ‘The Thinking Man’s Guide to Gossip Girl?’

  15. A few things: I have a few friends that have tiny laptops, so it’s not that weird. Is Dan’s screen name docugrl91? What the hell is that? And finaly, gross, I have the same phone as Serena.

  16. brian  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +10

    anyone else notice that the only guests at Rufus and Lily’s actual wedding were their children’s friends + Sonic Youth? duh, I guess.

  17. Melissa  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 0

    Those little bastards got Sonic Youth to do an acoustic version of Star Power? I’m torn on whether to hate Gossip Girl or love them right now.

  18. i just threw up a little in my mouth. i guess that was the objective though! yay!

  19. I think Dan might be August Rush. They make very similar facial expressions.



    =



  20. If I knew how to use computers I would make a gif of the blind blues player in Road House (Jeff Healey) playing his lap guitar because it looks exactly like Dan typing.

  21. Dan  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +6

    Next week: watch for Fugazi on the new Melrose!

  22. i liked it better when they stole Peter Frampton’s watermelon.

  23. Yea, this was a real Shut-up-where’s-Chuck? episode. Also, thanks GG for implying Carter gets his face kicked in without showing it. NOT

  24. I can’t stop laughing at the Dan animated .gif.

  25. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  26. brian  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 +8

    say whaaat
    nbd, he learned it in thailand

    • YES! I cannot believe you neglected to mention this Gabe!

      Just teenagers being teenagers (obviously) but I can’t help but think why the writers thought this was the appropriate setting for that scene. All that happens is blair whinging about nate’s annoying girlfriend, what part of that screams ‘seedy massage scene with inappropriate amounts of candles’?

      I also liked: “My family is in investment banking, so they’re all broke’ Recession zing! ugh.

  27. i didnt know hilary duff could do so much damage without even being on screen. can we talk about how dan’s using vanessa’s IM name ‘docugrl91′ and how he would explain that to olivia?

    also Darota in NORMAL PEOPLE CLOTHES. HURRRAYz

    also also, blair needs to step up her game. the writers are getting REAL lazy with the whole Prince con. what the FUCK. georgina is obviously not the smartest tool in the shed, being that she is a fictional character on GOSSIP GIRL, but STILLL.

    Chair is still the best (!!) (DIM SUM!)

  28. lance  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 0

    gabe would definitely get a book deal if he repurposed these columns into a tumblr called look at this fucking illogical shit that happens on gossip girl

  29. Am I the only one that thinks Dorota would be an EXCELLENT honorary member of sonic youth?
    Her spunk and pizzaz would do this band some good. Also, do people think Josh Schwartz is a Daydream Nation guy or a Washing Machine guy?

    • oh god. I almost forgot about the funniest espionage “Prince Alexi” and “Undercover Dorota” part of the episode. Such stealth.

  30. I hope that when I’m 40, the only people who care about me enough to attend my wedding are a bunch of teenagers and The Sonic Youths.

  31. gene  |   Posted on Oct 14th, 2009 0

    Am glad you mentioned Dan’s tiny typing machine. He looked so uber-lame, esp. the way he was typing, all weird stiff hands. Pose much? I thought it was funny that Scott’s whole motivation was to come back and see Vanessa (who he hung up on and never rang back btw) so he’s all nervous, and then as the ep ends he’s all, oh, when you see Vanessa, yah, say hey for me…wtf?
    (Wait- I slipped into that mistake again, where the mind tries to make sense of the mayhem. Why does it keep doing that?)
    Best bit tho? Rufus mooching into the loft. I’m going to be staying here tonight. Maybe longer. Exit to room to sulk. Well done for a sixteen year old.

  32. Lady  |   Posted on Oct 14th, 2009 0

    Umm…I’m in university and half my friends have those netbooks. In fact I have the exact same one as Dan is using. To fair though we have them because we’re broke, what’s the soon to be step-son of a billionaire’s excuse.

  33. I just watched this episode so this is a little late. But what the hell is going on with Vanessa’s hair? Every week it gets worse and worse. The almost-dreads or whatever is going on is just simply awful. She is so unattractive.

  34. PeteArrr!  |   Posted on Oct 18th, 2009 0

    Um, why was Dan internet chatting IN THE STREET! I understand he is now rich enough to own a mini-fun-impractically small-laptop but he can’t get wireless in a cafe?
    That’s okay. He’s still learning how to not be a FUCKWIT! AND FAILING!

    Vanessa, in her tribal get up, is seriously shitting me. Why why WHY has she switched from “it’s wrong to keep this information from Rufus, my best friend for life” to “I don’t want Dan to hate me even though I hated him a week ago”?

    Lilly is my hero though “HOW DARE YOU?!” I laughed at how inappropriately rude it was and their idiot son DESERVED it!
    Their begging him to give THEM a chance cringed me to tears.

    And band/wedding celebrant in one? Did they find that in the classifieds? “Free wedding with every hire because we are washed up”

  35. PeteArrr!  |   Posted on Oct 18th, 2009 0

    Um, why was Dan internet chatting IN THE STREET! I understand he is now rich enough to own a mini-fun-impractically small-laptop but he can’t get wireless in a cafe?
    That’s okay. He’s still learning how to not be a FUCKWIT! AND FAILING!

    Vanessa, in her tribal get up, is seriously shitting me. Why why WHY has she switched from “it’s wrong to keep this information from Rufus, my best friend for life” to “I don’t want Dan to hate me even though I hated him a week ago”?

    Lilly is my hero though “HOW DARE YOU?!” I laughed at how inappropriately rude it was and their idiot son DESERVED it!
    Their begging him to give THEM a chance cringed me to tears.

    And band/wedding celebrant in one? Did they find that in the classifieds? “Free wedding with every hire because we are washed up”

  36. Marni  |   Posted on Oct 19th, 2009 +1

    All four Sonic Youth members look like the FREAKING CRYPT KEEPER! Argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My, how the mighty have fallen….and winkled. Scary. I realize rock stars grow old but I DON”T WANT TO SEE IT. Jeez.

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