If you were to describe the movie Georgia Rule in a few short sentences on a sheet of paper, one might assume that it was an awful, awful movie. For example: It’s the tonally-disjointed gently comic story of three generations of women who do not get along with each other in the midst of a potential sexual abuse situation from the creator of Laverne and Shirley and The Other Sister, starring Lindsay Lohan. “Yikes,” you could imagine someone thinking to themselves after reading that description, “that sounds truly abysmal.” But that is just a short description. Can you really boil a movie like this down to a couple of sentences?

Yes, you can. Like “this movie is fucking awful.” That’s a sentence. Or, “I hate this movie, and I hate everyone involved with the making of this movie.” That’s another sentence. If you want even more, there are plenty of similar sentences after the jump.

Georgia Rule is about an unbearable girl named Rachel (Lindsay Lohan) who is sent by her mother (Felicity Huffman) to live with her grandmother (Jane Fonda) for the summer in Idaho. She hates rules! Boy oh boy, does she hate rules! She hates rules almost as much as she loves short skirts and sunglasses! (Very much.) Rachel hates her mother and her grandmother, and she has never washed a dish in her life, and she wants to fuck. She’s terrible. She’s basically a documentary of Lindsay Lohan. Her grandmother, Georgia, doesn’t stand for all this misbehavin, and she makes her take a job with the local veterinarian/human doctor (get it? Idaho!) working at the front desk. His name is Dermot Mulroney, and he recently lost his wife and child in a car accident. At first Rachel thought that he was gay, but it turned out that the reason he wasn’t staring at her legs is because he suffered one of the worst tragedies a human being can suffer. HAHA, SAME DIFF. (Also, maybe he wasn’t staring at her because she’s supposed to be 17 and he’s supposed to be the same age as her mom, and he has respectable human adult boundaries, just kidding, that can’t be it?!) Meanwhile, Rachel gives an Abercrombie and Fitch model a blowjob on a rowboat. Anyway, one day, to “prove a point,” Rachel tells Dermott Mulroney that she was molested by her stepfather. He tells her grandmother. Her grandmother confronts her when she gets home and knows that it is true, even though Rachel says that it was a lie that she told to prove a point (that point being that Dermot Mulroney shouldn’t be so sad about his wife and son being dead? GOOD POINT!) and Grandma calls Mom, and Mom drives all the way from San Francisco to Idaho in a physically impossible morning in order to tell the grandma that Rachel is lying. The Grandma and the Mom don’t get along, because not getting along RUNS IN THE FAMILY. Anyway, Rachel says that is true about the getting molested stuff, and her mom asks her stepdad for a divorce, but then her stepdad comes to Idaho and insists that Rachel is making it all up and that he forgives her but that he just wants his family back. Now the mom doesn’t know what to believe?! Rachel tells her that it turns out she WAS just making it up, and so the mom is going to go back to San Francisco with the stepdad. She goes to the stepdad’s hotel and tells him that she will continue to insist that he didn’t molest her as long as he makes sure that her mom is happy. He is like “sure, whatever,” but then she says something about a videotape? It’s hard to tell what is real and what is not real in this movie, just as the character Rachel has trouble determining what is real and what is a lie! Except the difference is she’s a fictional character and I don’t care! Anyway, then Rachel decides that she should tell her mom the truth (which is?) which is that she was molested by her stepfather, and so she and her grandmother (P.S. now they are friends, duh) and Dermot Mulroney and the Abercrombie and Fitch model pile into a pickup truck to chase after her, but she has already figured it out because the stepdad told her he was giving Rachel a Ferrari “just because,” and then he basically admits to having slept with Rachel and throws her luggage on the ground and is like “now you’re stuck back in Idaho like an asshole.” But he is the asshole, I guess. And now Rachel and her mom love each other for the first time, and also everyone loves each other, and the Abercrombie and Fitch model wants to marry Rachel, and Dermot Mulroney is there.

WOOOOOOOOF. What a terrible movie! In almost every way. It’s like that movie The Perfect Storm, except that instead of it literally being a perfect storm–an abnormal weather system in which three powerful storms converge upon the same patch of the ocean resulting in shipwreck and heartbreak–bad acting, a terrible story, and emotional dishonesty have combined to create a metaphorical perfect szzzzzzzzzzz I just fell asleep trying to finish that joke. The point is yuck. I wish I had drowned to death!

Remember how in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke was perfect for that role because it was, in many ways, a reflection of his own hard road of bad life decisions and equally or worse bad face decisions? Georgia Rule is kind of like that in the sense that Lindsay Lohan’s character is a terrible, self-involved, sexually aggressive because of low self-esteem nightmare. But the problem is that she is also a terrible actress. So the part where you are supposed to switch tacks and actually care about her (because how could you NOT care about Lindsay Lohan getting molested?) it’s like, no, sorry, I still just hate her. I’m sorry she had sex with her stepdad, except that I also know that she didn’t, because this movie is make believe, and actually it seems kind of insulting to people who have suffered terrible psychological and sexual trauma. “We’re not all assholes who can’t even act,” say their picket signs, outside of Gary Marshall’s hospital room. (Get well soon, Gary Marshall!)

But even if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t a terrible actress, and she really, REALLY is, you still couldn’t save this movie. It’s the most complicated bubblegum look at child molestation I have ever seen. The tone is defiantly “romantic comedy,” even though the subject matter is expressly “serious drama.” The tagline for this thing?

In this family, attitude doesn’t skip a generation.

Maybe not attitude, but the stepfather’s dick certainly skipped a generation (of vaginas). I mean, do you see my point? This is presented as a movie about three saucy women who are powerful and don’t always see eye to eye but you know blood is thicker than water and the ties that bind and also RAPE. Yuck. Yuck, Gary Marshall. In your hospital bed, making weird movies. Not to mention the distinctly tone-deaf and contradictory 1980s Hollywood depiction of middle America that is painful to watch. Like, Lindsay Lohan shows up to this small town and everyone on the street waves and says hello to her because in Middle America that is jus’ how folks is. But at the same time they all think she is a slut and they hate her city ways? WELL WHICH IS IT? Are they instantly generous and kind or instantly suspicious and judgmental?

Nurse! More medicine for Mr. Marshall, please!

I guess this is funny?

Sort of. Probably not. “It’s like when Lindsay Lohan’s character had to masturbate her stepdad to climax.” Ugh. I’m sorry. That was gross. You know what else is gross? Exploiting the serious situation of child sexual abuse to add emotional depth to your terrible garbage movie.

I know that secrets are a thing that you keep for a long time, but another thing that should have been kept for a long time was this script, on a shelf, away from cameras and actors and Gary Marshall’s Prescription-medicine-addled brain*. I would put it in the Top 5 (Bottom 5) Worst Movies of All Time, but I don’t even want to dignify it with any kind of recognition. Let’s just pretend that it was sailing off the coast of Florida and it disappeared. “Sir, the radar has gone blank.” Final salute.

Next week: Honey. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

*It should be noted that as far as I know, Gary Marshall is not sick and is not in the hospital. I don’t know why I kept talking about him that way and referring to his hospital bed and his medical treatments. I guess I was just so mad about this movie, and I wanted to get back at him with teasing and name calling. Sorry, Gary Marshall.

Comments (106)
  1. woozefa  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 +11

    if lindsay lohan offered me a blowjob in a rowboat, away from prying eyes, i’d totally say no and go swimming instead. honest.

  2. This movie did succeed in creating a character on the same level of unbearableness as the actual Lindsay Lohan. However, that’s not any kind of success to brag about; that’s like getting elected mayor of Sad Town kind of success.

  3. Alright, I say that’s that. I think this movie has crossed a line. Let’s put our heads together and have a Best Picture Oscar “Winner” suggestion. (If those still mean anything to anyone anytime anywhere.) After all, Gabe is our e-friend, and we owe him at least that. So why not pick a really kick ass movie, or a really touching movie, to be his desert after his shit entree that was Georgia Rule. Whaddya say?

  4. This was, very honestly, one of the worst movies I have ever seen for every reason you stated above. It had no consistency to its tone – “Look how she is a city slicker! She is so different this will be hilarious! She is giving this innocent Christian character a BJ on a boat!” But then actually that was because she was sexually abused as a child and has no concept of boundaries. Ha ha! That’s funny, wait, NO. That is not funny. Also, hitting on your mom’s ex-boyfriend is gross and this girl very obviously needed some therapy and not a summer in Idaho with her grandmother.

    • Idaho is so wholesome and pure that it heals people just through proximity. I believe the state motto is “Idaho: A summer here is like several years in therapy.” But they often just leave off the last two words.

  5. Uh, what? I remember the commercials for this, and they made this seem like this was a funky grandma sass-athon with lots of female crying and sharing of female emotions and females hilariously eating cartons of ice cream together while growing closer. I never would have guessed molestation was a central plot point. Barfcake.

  6. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  7. Aw man! Soft Gabe and Hard Gabe’s reviews today have been some of my favourite ever VG posts. Also, I’d fuck Jane Fonda over Lindsay Lohan. Just sayin’.

  8. Honey is going to seem like Citizen Kane after this.

    • Ugh. that reminds me, I nominate Citizen Kane. Just kidding! It’s a classic! or something.
      No for reals: Very Bad Things. oh! Or Con-Air. It was on the TV the other day and I was like, What is that sound coming out of Nicolas Cage’s mouth? Is this where the True Blood Actors learned their Southern dialect? And he just kept talking. ugh.

      • LOL, Con Air was the first time I was like–”Wait, huh? Doesn’t Nicholas Cage have a reputation as being a good actor? And didn’t he speak in a perfectly convincing southern accent in Raising Arizona?”

  9. Eric  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 +3

    Music & Lyrics

  10. Suggestion: I saw a movie when I was hungover Last saturday and couldn’t reach the remote called “Haven” with Orlando Bloom. It was by far the worst movie I have ever sat through. And it kept me glued because it was so amazingly terrible. Even our girl (me and Gabe’s) Zoe Saldana could not save it. Please watch Gabe and gut it like a fish.

  11. I know that there’s probably some sort of hate-limit for Juno on the internet that has been exceeded time and time again, but I also know there’s a hate-quota (specifically made for me) for Juno which has yet to be filled to the brim, and I’d like to suggest it for an upcoming WMOAT entry.

    If this is something that’s been done, or suggested, or denied, or overplayed, uh, sorry. But as far as I’m concerned, we (people who watch films) need bearded justice.

  12. I would not have believed a movie could be as soul-destroying as you claim Georgia Rules is, but then I watched the clip, and it made me look forward to 2012. Not the “disaster movie,” but the actual year, when hopefully the world is eaten by Mayans.

    Also what made me know that a movie could be this soul-destroying is that I have seen Nell, Drop Dead Fred, and Nothing But Trouble. Hard Old Gabe, I hate to harp (I love to harp) but please see this trifecta of misery. Please!

  13. Shaz  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 +1

    Haha! I think Gabe deserved to have to sit through this film after getting to watch two good movies in The Hunt. It’s karma or something. I think he should also have to watch Labor Pains, also starring Ms Lohan, but sadly I think it never got a theatrical release.

  14. Cary Elwes needs a new manager. He was Wesley, for god’s sake, and now he’s relegated to the molesty stepfather in this pile of shit? Oof.

  15. “so there. i clearly don’t carry my sadness in all of my actions. i am resilient and brave and i may have just completely told you my deepest, darkest secret out of nowhere and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. huh? sorry, i passed out. i’m a drunk.”

  16. Oh, it’s definitely instantly suspicious and judgmental.

  17. Freckles  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  18. You need to watch the Ben Stiller remake of The Heartbreak Kid. I think you will find that, like me, you will put a gun to your mouth within 20 minutes. And then, like me, you will stop yourself from taking off the safety catch because Malin Akerman takes off her shirt instead.

    • cosi1  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 0

      Yes that movie is terrible but going into bad remakes might get dangerous because there’s an unbearably long list of them. Still ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People’ needs to go in the hunt.

    • I second that!!! So so awful. Also Because I said so with Mandy Moore.

  19. The cries for Closer have quieted recently – I’d like to turn them back up. That movie is all kinds of bad.

    • agreed. it’s pretty goddamned insufferable, even though clive owen is like number one on my dirty list. but he is dragged down by the annoying triumvirate of julia roberts, jude law, and natalie portman playing one of the most heinous female roles in recent memory.

  20. Yikes, sorry Gabe.

    Just keep fuckin’ that turkey…

  21. shanmae919  |   Posted on Oct 5th, 2009 -2

    Please please, I nominate Bottle Shock. The worst movie of all time.

  22. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  23. I still nominate Titanic. What a fucking mess.

    • Aww… boo. Titanic had one of the best endings of any film from the ’90s, and Cameron deserves props for flawlessly delivering what is essentially an hour-long set piece. There’s no shortage of things I hate about Titanic, but I think its strengths make it worth sitting through at least more than once.

      • I’m with Frank on this one. I love J.C. as much as the next guy (That One) but let’s call a spade a spade. “Titanic” was “Pearl Harbor” but Cameron just did it first. He took a horrible tragedy, put gunfights and sex into it, added some quotable dialog, and got someone to write a Top 40 hit for the end credits. And I did watch it more than once. Once more than once. Never again.

    • Titanic is comically bad. Other than the practical stuntwork when the ship angles up and everyone slides down the deck, it is a silly melodrama. Rose! Jack! Fuck off. Yes, the boat sinking was a good effect, but the rest of the film? For god’s sake man, thars women an’ children down here!

  24. After the last couple of not terrible Hunt selections, I was beginning to think we were nearing the end. This review totally reinvigorated the search.

    Also, about this:

    “WELL WHICH IS IT? Are they instantly generous and kind or instantly suspicious and judgmental? ”

    I grew up in middle America, and it is actually both. That’s part of what makes you want to die all the time.

  25. What? A movie starring Lindsey Lohan and Dermot Mulroney isn’t the greatest thing set to celluloid? It is in fact an atrocity on par with Khmer Rouge and Crank 2?
    Say it isn’t so, Gabe!

    (Gabe said it was so, more or less. And he was absolutely correct.)

  26. Sam  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 +2

    Lindsey Lohan can teach today’s children a valuable lesson. That lesson is how to destroy the fast-track movie career you parents dropped you into.

  27. I nominate Facing the Giants.

    It tells the moving story of a sad & sterile Christian football coach who looks like a lame Ron Livingston ends up utilizing the Bible to overcome all obstacles because clearly the New Testament, particularly the Letter to Ancient Football Coaches of Corinth, has some great stratagems and tips any coach would be stupid not to take into consideration. So he wins all the games and heals the local lepers and other handicapped citizens. By the way, Good Samaritans raise a lot of money and buy their coach pick-up trucks, and the coach thanks God for the truck he bestowed upon him in all His good judgment? And you can impregnate your wife in the end even though it’s impossible and you don’t offer a logical explanation to it and you’ll just end the movie awkwardly? Yes, because apparently American Christians have Immaculate Conceptions all the time. Take that, science!

  28. innuendo  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 +1

    i was ready to forgive anything about Georgia Rule because this http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/86577/may-09-2007/jane-fonda wouldn’t have existed if Jane Fonda wasn’t on Colbert promoting this very film.

    But, hey, maybe i won’t forgive its awfulness after all -for all the reasons stated above :p

  29. M  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -2

    “Sideways” because of terrible. There is no “white middle class americans have it tough”-er film out there.

    • Joe  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -1

      Umm…Royal Tenembaums?

      I don’t know, man. I don’t think a movie is necessarily bad just because it deals with people who aren’t all “my undernourished child/friend/brother is sold into sex slavery and simultaneously dying of small pox because we can’t afford medical treatment and now I have to become a thief/prostitute to support my dying child/friend/brother. [cue: paper planes - MIA / long shots of trash, slums / anonymous villagers rummaging through said trash, a solitary goat standing atop the trash, etc.]”

      I don’t know, man. I think what’s most interesting about humans isn’t the intensity of their survival instincts – but, instead, the complexity of human thought and human behavior. Films that approach those things with depth, sincerity, humor, etc. are fine by me — even if they are about GASP! the white upper-middle-class.

    • Um, “white middle class americans have it tough” is EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE.

  30. good work on the Lohan bashing, i may go and watch the film again so i can read your post a second time and giggle some more! hurrah!

  31. benny  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -7

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • WHOA! And then you woke up, friend. No one on Earth could debase or devalue Let The Right One In to that degree, and I’m slightly insulted that you’d even think about the possibility that it was possible.

  32. I GUESS this IS PAY back for GETTING TO watch two MOVIES THAT apparently DIDN’T suck the big ONES. Sorry, GABE!

  33. kat  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -2

    please do “The Jackal.” Horrible movie with Richard “Gerbil” Gere

  34. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Hell, anything Sam Mendes has done (save for Road to Perdition) can fit into WMOAT as far as I’m concerned. Downvote away American Beauty fans.

      • I always thought I was the only one who thinks Road to Perdition is the only Mendes movie worth a damn. Kudos. Although, Michael Shannon’s inexplicably comedic performance in the middle of the dreary Revolutionary Road was sort of genius.

    • Have you no heart???

  35. Justin  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 +2

    Nominating Star Wars Episode 1. If it hasn’t been nominated before, come on! If it has (it so has… right?) then I don’t read this as much as I thought.

  36. Lemoncella  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -6

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  37. Not gonna lie, this is on my netflix queue (I have a spot soft for Lohan and her crazy antics, solely because of Mean Girls).

    However, it’s been on said netflix queue for a year, because every time it approaches the top, I frantically move something else above it instead.

  38. There were two movies about the president’s daughter hooking up with a Secret Service agent that came out around the same time. One had Mandy Moore and the other had Katie Holmes, and they were both awful. Can I nominate them together?

  39. Good to see Rapegum is back on and poppin

  40. I nominate Chasing Amy times a thousand.

  41. I nominate Towelhead. That movie is definatively THE WORST.

  42. Whooops!  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 +5

    “I hate this movie, and I hate anyone involved in the making of this movie.”

    Ouch… sorry. :(

    I worked on this movie for a hot minute in 06… the production was ridiculous, it was a goddamn circus. Since Blohan ruined my life on a daily basis by showing up 4-5 hours late to set everyday, I have refused to watch it.

    So, I hear it’s bad???

  43. Joe  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2009 -4

    I nominate Slumdog Millionaires and Million Dollar Babies.

  44. I think we should all remember hat the A and F model was Mormon aand oh when she tried to sleep with the vet. Yikes!

    As always: Home Fries! ( say what you want about Whip It! but this is one Barrymore movie that can not be enjoyed)

  45. the description of this movie makes me want to put on a dress, wave goodbye, put a tiny gun into my mouth, pull the trigger and blow my brains out… icky.

  46. 500 Days of Summer! Her name is Autumn! She is quirky! Hipster abomination! MPDG sirens going off everywhereeee.

  47. Pinky  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2009 0

    Con Air is hilarious. Most of the cast are Oscar nominees or winners, and they all commit to the movie 100%, but it’s a Michael Bay movie. It’s even more Bayey than most Bay movies. It’s kind of like getting the Royal Shakespeare Company to star in the next Transformers sequel.

    The Lindsey-Lohan-is-a-serious-actress thing is interesting. It’s the Access Hollywood crowd’s way of creating a new Robert Downey Jr. She’s troubled! She’s a genius! She’s a troubled genius!

  48. Color of Night  |   Posted on Oct 8th, 2009 0

    For the next round, I heartily recommend Color of Night (1994)
    The Bruce Willis movie that makes Hudson Hawk look like the Maltese Falcon.
    We can still win this thing.

  49. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, plox. The one with Brangelina.

  50. KD  |   Posted on Oct 8th, 2009 0

    I would like to recommend Birth (2004) for consideration. It is horrible in every way.

  51. Can I pop in with my quarterly recommendation for Original Sin? Dramatic Peacock stepping! Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas in the same movie! The phrase “You cannot have love without love.” What more could you ask for? (Please don’t ask for any of these things.)

  52. In interviews Garry Marshall always seems like a smart, funny guy who really knows comedy, but boy has he been responsible for some terrible, terrible movies. I remembered one I’d like to nominate. Igby Goes Down. One of the most unpleasant movie-going experiences I’ve ever had. Depressing and misogynistic, it will forever be in my bottom 5.

  53. I strongly suggest Gone Fishin’ (1997), starring Joe Pesci and Danny Glover, for your next round.
    I worked in a Blockbuster for years, saw pretty much everything in the store, and it was by far the worst movie I watched during my tenure there.
    I still talk about it to this day, whenever the subject of bad/horrible movies comes up. The way some people talk about Vietnam or the time their band opened for Nirvana, that’s the way I talk about this movie.
    Not just unfunny garbage, it’s easily one of the worst movies of all time. As soon as you notice the way that all of Danny Glover’s lines are parroting Joe Pesci’s lines, you’ll be well on your way to feeling the same way that I do.

  54. nomination: LIONS FOR LAMBS. It’s two hours of a conversation between Robert Redford & his star pupil, intercut with a conversation between Tom Cruise (as a Senator) & Meryl Streep (as a reporter), and 2 guys stuck on a mountain in Afghanistan. For two hours. Please please please, Gabe, please do this one.

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  56. Very little is ever heard of “THE WINTER GUEST” a 1997 film; because few viewers ever left the theater without silting their wrist. The US was banded from using this film at Guantanamo by the Third and Fourth Geneva Convention. This must be the worst movie ov all time!

  57. jeana  |   Posted on Oct 13th, 2009 -1

    I’ll second (500) days of summer. God awful.

  58. I nominate HIGHER LEARNING. What a nightmare this movie is.

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