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Today’s big reality TV news is that when the new season of Jon & Kate Plus 8 begins this November*, it will just be called Kate Plus 8! OMG, or whatever. From People:
In a stunning announcement, TLC said Tuesday morning that as of Nov. 2 Jon Gosselin would no longer appear on the popular reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8. The program would undergo a name change, to simply Kate Plus 8
“Given Jon’s recent antics, there was no way the show could continue to portray him as a doting Dad, not while all this other crap was going on,” a source close to the show tells PEOPLE.
Sure. I mean, that’s obviously true. Dude is clearly more doting on Christian Audigier than he is in doting on his kids. But it’s not like Kate is some great paragon of motherhood, said the cover of Duh Aficionado magazine. I mean, why not cancel the show entirely because it’s terrible, put both of the parents in jail, and send the kids off to foster care where their lives will be slightly less ruined?
But in the meantime, let’s figure out who is going to be the new Jon Gosselin. Because as the Greatest President of All Time, George W. Bush, used to say, “children should be raised by one self-obsessed man and one nightmarishly narcissistic woman.”
John Cho
He’s probably hitting the nail too on the head, if you know what I mean. But you have to admit that it would be an easier transition on the children. You have to admit that because you’re racist and that’s what you think. Jon Gosselin and John Cho are completely different people! The transition would be just as hard as if it were anybody else!
Parade King Val Kilmer
If he’s good enough to lead the 2009 Bacchus Parade in New Orleans, he is surely good enough to help Kate Gosselin half-heartedly take time out of her busy self-promotional schedule to raise her children. Besides, he is certainly not doing anything else.
Famed Character Actor, James Cromwell
He can play any role!
Elle Fanning
It’s 2009, and we need to be more open-minded. Although I suppose that this suggestion renders my pre-jump George W. Bush joke illogical. Oh well, it was totally worth it. It’s funny to imagine Kate Gosselin married to Elle Fanning. It is not funny, however, to imagine Kate Gosselin married to Dakota Fanning. Yuck.
Alfonso Ribeiro
Perhaps Alfonso Ribeiro, best known as Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, would be a nice replacement for Jon Gosselin. The only way to find out for sure is to cast him on this show. You’re welcome, Hollywood.
I’m sure I have covered all of the ridiculous and non-sensical suggestions for a casting decision that isn’t even real. There couldn’t possibly be any others for you to leave in the comments. Sorry.
*Also, how many new seasons of this show premiere every year? It seems like there have been three “new season premieres” since the spring! I don’t get it. And it’s weird that I’m not more familiar with how shows on TLC, my favorite network, are scheduled.
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Could it be part of Roman Polanski’s punishment? Oh wait…
I see London, I see France … Val Kilmer
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your use of the winking face confuses me.
Does Wayne Brady need to choke a bitch?
PC from NYC Prep would make a great match.
Miles from Lost….circa his Rufio phase.
Henry Rollins.
They deserve each other.
World’s Greatest Dad Rufus Humphrey
A used trash compactor in a tux.
easy: gary busey. It could be Kate and Busey plus eight butthorns.
i’m hatching an online show called ‘oh, busey!’ it will be mini-vignettes, based on reality, where gary does something totally weird and scary and creepy, and everyone shrugs and smiles ruefully and says, ‘oh, busey!’ he stopped me while i was walking my dog to tell me a legend about why dog’s sniff each other’s butts. he also tried to run my husband’s cab off the road. both prime ‘oh, busey!’ moments.
If someone has to be involved in fucking up the lives of adorable children, why not bring in the best?
cross network cross promotion cross kick to kate’s face.
Butternut:
kittens get all the upvotez!
Paul Reiser and that poor man’s George Michael
I don’t see why this scenario couldn’t work (again).
I think Darth Vader really deserves another chance at fatherhood; why not give him eight more chances?
Jack and Kate Plus 8… has a nice ring to it, eh Losties?
But WHEN is the self-absorbed pseudo-parenting?
if ever a show could use an unexplained killer smoke monster…
fitting with other releases this season, is this yet another production that could just be called “nine”/”9″ ?
-”Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. What the hell is it, anyway?”
-”That’s a breast pump, dad.”
-”Oh, well, I did not use it for that.”
“Given Jon’s recent inability to have a name that rhymes with “Eight”, we chose the bitch with the stupid haircut over him.”
Man, remember last year when Kate was a horrible shrew who spent all day yelling at Jon for not doing anything to help her as he bathed, clothed, and fed his eight children and she sat in a lawn chair complaining how tired she was from watching some teenager parent her kids for the 20 whole minutes that the camera was on her. And because she was so sleep deprived from having been gently awoken by the aroma of the 1 part coffee 8 parts cream and sugar Jon made her and brought to her bedside every morning at 9am?
Now she’s all Joan of Arc about how she’s learning to make it on her own by way of directing 5 production assistants to set up a projector and screen and free product placement tents in her backyard.
I’m not saying I’m Team Jon (I’m Team Aidan, all the way). But if I had 8 kids before I was 30 and had that haircut screaming in my ear 24 hours a day, I’d probably go a little nuts too. Kevin Federline would probably look like a decent role model who had made good life decisions.
John from Cincinnati.
whoa, my dumbness just exploded cause I dont get that john cho joke AT ALL.
another reality show idea: celebrity foster home.
the state takes the kids away from jon and kate, the octomom, michael jackson’s family, courtney love, and dina lohan and then all the kids live in a mansion and we can watch a team of genuinely caring, intelligent adults attempt to reprogram them so they don’t become gross, sad eyeball-hurters.