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You know, now that it’s over, I think I’m actually going to miss this show. It is terrible, yes, and completely coconuts, and the rules change from one episode to the next. But, it kind of grew on me, like how Dustin Hoffman grew on Tom Cruise in Rain Man. “100 toothpicks!” Obviously, I can’t wait to get back to my fast-paced life as a Los Angeles Lamborghini dealer, but I will miss that goofy man-child. That being said, I’m sure next year it will be back to the complaining board when season 3 kicks off in a vampire bar on the moon (because vampires can live on the moon now) and Sookie is a congresswoman trying to pass landmark Yeti legislation, or whatever.
Anyway, the finale!
There is an egg in the bed! Sookie is like “oh my God, what is this egg?” which is a fair question. But pretty quickly, Marianne is like “oh that is just an ostrich egg.” Oh. Nevermind? I mean, ostrich eggs are not that incredible. Lafayette is about to rape Sookie, but then he is actually not about to rape her at all, he is about to ask her to put on a white bridesmaid dress. Marianne is like “you have to be my bridesmaid at this make-believe wedding.” Because when you are getting married to a God, people still wear bridesmaids dresses? And the orchestra still plays “Here Comes the Bride”? Mostly it’s a PRETTY TRADITIONAL WEDDING! Other than the meat statue and the human sacrifice.
Sookie is like “I don’t know how you did this, but I will not let this happen.” YIKES. Tough stuff! Marianne is like “OK, hit me with your best electrical forcefield.” Oh yeah! I almost forgot about Sookie’s electrical forcefield magic powers that she suddenly has. Although she doesn’t suddenly have them because she can’t use them. Electrical Magic Forcefield FAIL!
Meanwhile, Vampire Eric is at the Queen’s mansion playing more Vampire Yahtzee. You know how vampires get about their Vampire Yahtzee. They play until five million because they are immortal and because they have no idea how much Yahtzee constitutes too much Yahtzee. They clearly lost the capacity to have fun when they stopped being human. Anyway, the Queen is the one responsible for Vampire Eric selling vampire blood through Lafayette, which actually I had mostly forgotten about, and Eric is like “I will take care of Vampire Bill,” and they they almost make out because vampires are always sealing it with a kiss, or whatever. And that’s the last we see of Eric this season? He plays absolutely no part in defeating Marianne, or anything. He just plays Yahtzee and then goes home? MORE LIKE LAMEPIRE, AM I RIGHT?
Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur are going to storm the house and rescue everyone. Sure. How come everyone on this show, when confronted with every single person in town having X-Files eyes and acting insane thinks that all they need to do is…put an end to it? Needless to say, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur quickly get some X-Files eyes of their own.
Bill shows up with Sam and Marianne puts the ostrich egg inside the meat statue and it’s time to get married! Sookie is like “Bill, what are you doing?” and Bill is like “You have to trust me.” It’s like Ocean’s 11. You’re like how are they going to get out of this one! But then they get out of it! And you can’t believe it! You never saw it coming! Except, you kind of saw it coming. Eggs stabs Sam Merlotte with the magic stabbing knife. Oh no! But then Sookie uses her magic electric forcefield powers (oh, they’re back) to push over the meat statue and smash the ostrich egg (which we all know is the key to defeating Maenads, it’s in all the Maenad Guides).
So Marianne starts chasing Sookie with her nightmare claws. Good plan, Bill! “It’s all part of the plan for you to get chased by an terrible monster and fall down on the ground. Don’t worry!” But then Marianne sees a white bull and she thinks it is her God and she goes to fuck it, but then the white bull gores her to death, and then the white bull turns back into Sam, who is not dead because Bill fed Sam his magic vampire blood, and he pulls out Marianne’s heart and crushes it with his bare hand, which kills her OK, and now he is naked and a champion because just in general this show is fucking ridiculous.
So now everyone is better and doesn’t have X-Files eyes anymore and don’t seem to remember what happened. I will tell you what happened: GARBAGE TELEVISION HAPPENED. Anyway, one person doesn’t remember but wishes he did, and that person is Eggs. Sookie mind probes him (again, this show, America’s favorite show, also his name is Eggs) and he remembers that he cut out a bunch of women’s hearts, and so Eggs shoves his hands into his hoodie pockets and runs away. Later, he demands that Andy Bellefleur (who is a cop again, OK!) put him in jail for being a murderer, but Andy is like “relax, you were under the spell of that Maenad.” You know, typical police procedure. So Eggs brandishes the magic sacrificial sword-knife at Andy and is like “I’m a bad person,” and then knocks Andy to the ground and waves the magic sacrificial sword-knife at Andy. Eggs, what are you doing?
Oh, Jason Stackhouse shoots Eggs in the head and kills him. So he is being very sloppily written off the show, that is what he is doing. Lazy. That actor’s agent should have fought a little harder for his client to be written off a show in a way that did not feel completely slapped together. EARN THAT 10 PERCENT!
And finally: the cliffhangers! Sam is going to track down his parents! SEASON THREE IS GOING TO BE A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF TRUE BLOOD! SHAPESHIFTER REUNION! BRING YOUR KLEENEX. Meanwhile, in order to celebrate…murdering a mythical creature, Vampire Bill takes Sookie to a French restaurant, which he has rented out for a private evening. Is that actually romantic? That seems excessively creepy. “I didn’t want you to have to feel like you were around other human beings.” Anyway, after they’ve finished eating, Bill presents Sookie with two plane tickets to…Burlington, Vermont? HOLLYWOOD ROMANCE! He also proposes marriage, but Sookie freaks out for basically no reason. Seriously, her freaking out makes no sense. This show is built around her undying love for Bill’s pasteface. Besides, marrying a vampire is every little girl’s dream. She runs, crying, to the bathroom, where she immediately changes her mind and decides that she will marry Vampire Bill after all. But it is too late, because he has been vampirenapped! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!*
This exciting (debatable) episode of True Blood was brought to you by Mountain Dew.
*I can wait. How long, a year? Let’s make it two! Million!
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YOU KNOW what WAS THE fucking WORSE about this? BITCH VAMPIRE QUEEN says she HAS 6 YAHTZEE’s. You cannot GET 6 YAHTZEE’S VAMPIRE queen! DON’T YOU fuck with MY YAHTZEE True Blood!
ALSO EVERYTHING about this LAST half was SLOPPY AND boring AND badly written. THESE ASSHOLES need to WATCH Lost to learn HOW TO WRITE a great season FINALE.
AND I COULD go on and ON, but c’mon, YAHTZEE!
UGH NEVERMIND y’all. I don’t EVEN KNOW how to USE the word WORST. i write FOR THIS SHOW. It is MY JOB. All day and ALL NIGHT WRITIN ABOUT them VAMPIRES in the good OL’ SOUTH! More SEX MORE blood!
I’m still kinda mad that the dude named eggs is dead. That was half my comedy.
I hear that they’re introducing Eggs’s half-brother next season:
This finale was like a store front children’s theater production. Did the acting seem especially bad to anyone else? I mean, with this show, discerning degrees of talentlessness is like splitting hairs, but it was definitely MORE TERRIBLE than usual.
But Bill was naked.
My favorite part was when they all licked the egg. Of course you have to lick the ostrich egg. Duh, Sookie.
sookie is so terrible – bill just saved the town, and was stumbling around all drained from sam drinking his magic blood, and sookie’s all “go bury the body bill,” and he gimps off to do her bidding.
Eggs’ last scene should have been him running off the screen never to return – like the Russian in Sopranos. Then during the rest of this show’s run – we’d be all like um Where is Eggs?!
Maybe Tara could have gotten Radio Flyer-like postcards from him on his travels or something nice like that.
The Vermont thing really threw me off too (Catamounts games are really romantic, maybe?), until I remembered there was something in past episodes about how Vermont is one of the few states to allow human-vampire marriage… you know, because the gay rights analogy hasn’t been completely beaten into our heads enough in this show. But yeah, to be fair, the Vermont wedding trip isn’t as far-out there as it initially seems.
WHAT I DON’T get is IF ALAN BALL is so fucking SET ON this vampire/GAY ANALOGY, why THE FUCK does he continue TO MAKE THE vampires ASSHOLES AND badguys! Seriously, who else BESIDES BILL is good right NOW? Even UP TO the Queen is BAD and Jessica JUST BECAME A bitch. I don’t GET THE message Ball IS TRYING TO get across. Vampires, like GAYS, ARE prosecuted unjustly but most of THEM ARE still DICKS so it’s just (and is that VAMPIRES OR gays too?!). ARE THEY GOOD OR BAD. I NEED TO know Ball; tell me MORE OF YOUR views on GAY-rights!
You’re more like me than you know. You’re a Sobotka. And a vampire.
Actual thing from the book the third series is based on: vampire Elvis. Not a joke.
Yeah! Can’t wait to see how they cast vampire Elvis…or Bubba, as he prefers to be called – who loves to drink cat blood, if I remember correctly. I’m surprised they’ve already started to tackle Sookie’s fairy powers storyline. If anyone has seen the unaired, original pilot (when Tara was played by someone else, thank god they decided to recast her), when the chain wraps around her attackers neck, SPOLIER ALERT in that unaired version we see a woman standing in the forest who is apparently Sookie’s fairy god mother… That’s right, forget Swamp Thing…fairy god mothers! Which would also include an introduction to the brother of Sookie’s fairy god mother who is queer and a fairy (har-har-har) and also really attractive. Can’t wait for that….
Did anyone else think it was weird after Sam came back and was naked, there was just an extra pair of jeans and a shirt on the side of the road that fit him?
No, since he would’ve taken his pants off to change into the bull in the first place. I mean, there are plenty of things about this show that do not make sense. I am with you on that. But I think that made sense. What does not make sense is why Eric was wearing pants.
That moment after Sookie freaks out about Bill’s proposal which culminates in Bill saying “What?” with the most ridculously confused facial expression pretty much sums up my entire experience with this show.
Summer bummer that this show is over! I never actually watched it, but reading Gabe’s summaries was one of the highlights of my week (that’s actually pretty sad…but true). But anyways, I guess the vampirelolz will have to wait until next season…
Scrambled Eggs.
i get X-Files eyes when i’m not careful in applying eyeliner. maybe these people just need help with their makeup.
Looks like your avatar is possessed by Marianne, too.
When Eggs got shot in the head, all I thought was “I really hope his last name is Benedict.”
i hate that i think i know this but i think thats y they call him Eggs… according to the wiki page his name is Benedict Talley
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_of_True_Blood#Benedict_Talley
goodbye trueblood, i will never watch you again
Sookie in the bathroom, looking in the mirror: “Oh shit this ring is shiny, what the fuck was i thinking, marry me, Bill!”
-literally what happened
Thanks Gabe, these recaps have been awesome. I enjoyed the show more knowing that you would dismantle it the next day.
If nothing else, I thought it was funny that the Queen appeared to be showing Eric her vagina.
I felt that they actually got rid of Marianne too easy, y’know? it was like the first 15 minutes of the show she was gored and gone and then it just kept draging on and on and you knew it was going to end in a cliff hanger and then, wouldn?t ya?know it? See you in June, Bill. (or will we?)
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And it wasn?t even original! Last year it was Tara (and Sookie) screaming because of that dead fake swamp witch in Andy Lovely-Flower’s car and it was Lafayette who was missing. This year Andy again has a dead body near his car, Tara is still screaming (Ehgs!), and the guy missing is Bill (good riddance)
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But it is also not as crazy a show as a lot of people (you guys and gabe) say it is. It is just dumb. Eggs real name is Benedict (and I believe someone brings that up EVERY WEEK.) Vermont is one of the only states Vampires can marry humans. Sookie would have loved an empty restaurant because then she wouldn?t be bombarded with people?s thoughts. And she reacted perfectly to the proposal from Bill: a lot of shit has been going down and she has been having sexy Eric dreams and they just killed a maenad and saying ?yes? to a marriage proposal isn?t usually as easy as Hollywood makes it out to be. Sometimes you need to take a moment, take a pee and think. Sidenote: Do you think Sam will have sexy dreams about Bill now? Do you think we will get to see them? Fingers crossed for season 3!
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But it?s cotton candy. fluffy and sweet and pink and white and pointy. It is not good for me and yet not only have I bought some recently at a gas station, I then go online to read about what others have to say about the cotton candy I have just eaten. (what? that doesn?t even make sense)
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Best parts of this episode: Lafayette?s tented oh-so-gay hand clapping at announcement of Sookie as the maid-of-honor
Acting! The Best.
Lafayette needs more screen time! Favorite line of the episode? “Worship him, bitches!”
Hilarious review you hit the nail on the head when you said “GARBAGE TELEVISION HAPPENED” bc this season finale was a load of horse sh*t. Thanks for makin us wait 2wks for NOTHING. Oh yea I’m definitely excited too see what happens next *insert sarcasm* *rolls eyes*
I always prefer my Eggs scrambled!
I thought the season finale was fangtastic! The only negative thing that I could say about the episode was the poor choice of background music in the scene where Sookie and Billiam were dancing in the french restaurant; the obvious choice would have been ‘Monster Mash’
i just wanted to explain something here. this show is about vampires, gods, shapeshifters, etc…a realistic story went out the window on the first episode. relax dude. see you for the season 3 premier, sucker!