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As you may have heard, True Blood‘s ratings this season have been through the roof. Like, 20% increases from one week to the next? That is nuts. America is LOVIN’ IT. It kind of makes you wonder who’s watching this show, you know? Because if anything it is only getting stupider, and it was pretty stupid to begin with. Well, the answer is that people like Lindsay Lohan, whoever that is, are watching it. From Extra:
Millions tune-in to HBO on Sunday nights to watch this summer’s sexiest series “True Blood,” and Lindsay Lohan tells “Extra” she’s also a fan!
“Nobody can speak when True Blood is on,” LiLo tells “Extra’s” Mario Lopez. When Mario told Lindsay he’d never seen the vampire hit, Lindz was shocked! No worries, Mario plans to catch up via TiVo.
OH PHEW, MARIO PLANS TO CATCH UP VIA TIVO. Finally, a good night’s sleep for all of us. Can you imagine a True Blood viewing party at Lindsay Lohan’s house? What a living nightmare. Just so much low-grade cocaine and shushing. (Low-Grade Cocaine And Shushing is the name of my next album.) And then after the show everyone has to wait around until Lindsay falls asleep to make sure that vampires don’t come in and kill her. You know. Because she’s retarded.
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replace “true blood superfan” with “washed up BJ queen” and we have ourselves a story.
True Fact: She totally auditioned for the role of the desperate blond chick at the police station.
I think “Washed Up BJ Queen” should be the follow-up to “Low-Grade Cocaine And Shushing.” Or maybe some sort of side project.
From Psychopathic Records, the new album from Methheads in Helicopters, “Low Grade Cocaine and Shushing.” Coming in 2012.
Extra once again succeeds at giving the world the most worthless news in the entire world. Gold star for you, Extra.
Extra’s top story today is going to be that broom that stands up.
And that broom’s name is AnnaLynne McCord.
how cool. when you hover on your avatar it goes in slow motion.
what she means by “nobody can speak when true blood is on” is “no one is my friend anymore, so i watch a lot of serialized dramas while doing lines off of framed photos of me dressed up as marilyn monroe. if i close my eyes, the voices from the tv almost sound like real people. but when i open my eyes, i’m still in my hotel room, all by myself, again.”
i have managed to depress myself. woof.
I can’t even make fun of Lindsay anymore, it’s too
True Blood may be Lohan’s favorite show now, but she’ll stop watching once True Coke debuts.
I blame Forgetting Sarah Marshall for America’s obsession with ridiculous vampire love stories.
I’d rather watch Jason Segel’s Dracula musical over True Blood, that thing had puppets!
True Blood makes I Know Who Killed Me look like On the Waterfront.
I almost forgot you were coming out with an album Gabe.
When she says “Nobody can speak when True Blood is on” she means literally everyone in the world. Doesn’t matter if True Blood isn’t on in their country or isn’t on yet in their time zone or if they straight up hate the show. Nobody. Can. Speak. This is why she’s as crazy as she is. She tries to shush as many people as she can but unfortunately, it’s physically impossible to do what she wants and even if it was, nobody would listen to her. Life, sigh.
You see, contrary to anything Glen Beck says, this makes all the sense. All of it.
- Professor of Sense Making, University of Sad Logic
Let’s be honest Gabe: At this point in Lindsay Lohan’s career, she’s not making enough money for her to afford low-grade cocaine. She’s pretty much just snorting packets of Sweetn’ Low from the diner she moonlights/works full time at now.
She’s spending Sam Ronson’s money.
she’s drinking stevia and water, obviously.
poor lindsay lohan. she’s a good candidate for a program i am planning when i am tapped to remake this country from the ground up (any day now.) that program appoints a common sense monitor to people who are too stupid or too messed up in the head to make good decisions for themselves. you’d be attached to each other with a wireless bracelet system, so if the person gets too far away from you, an alarm will sound and they’ll be painfully shocked. also we’ll develop some inhibitors to implant in addicts’ brains that doesn’t let them experience the effects of drugs, so that doing drugs will be a waste of time.
just ONE of the amazing ideas i’m hatching, guys. CARINGISCOOL 2012!
Shows like True Blood are just another reason to hate tv.
for every hour you watch it a baby seal dies.
….seal killers…. :’(
Does anyone else find this 20 percent increase in ratings between episodes suspicious? Because why would you just randomly jump into watching it mid-season? Why would you just watch it at all?
For all those sick of how trendy vampires have become, I present this quote from David Letterman, taken from the 31st of August edition of the Late Show with David Letterman Newsletter:
Q. There seems to be a modern obsession with all things vampire. Can you tell us your thoughts on vampires?
A. I don’t recognize anything about vampires. I don’t think contemporarily or historically they are worth discussing on any level.
Final Score: David Letterman 1
True Blood O
This whole “I’m too cool for this popular show” BS is so tired and played out.
Fine, you don’t like True Blood. But how do you know it’s stupid if you don’t watch it?
Either 1) You do watch it and then complain about it, or 2) You don’t watch it, but are such a hipster dbag that you automatically deride anything that’s popular.
I was so high the other night Trueblood seemed good. Oh I watch Trueblood and I think it is the worst which is why I watch it I love to explain random parts of it to people who do not watch it. I also enjoy reading Gabe’s recap to see if he and I found the same things absurd. I am “too cool” for Trueblood but not for mocking it and its fans, now I am off to American Apparel to by some clothes while listening to The Dirty Projectors.
I don’t think I’m retarded, but I do like the show. Am I wrong about the show, or about being retarded? Maybe neither, but I’m sad that this site hates the show because I like this site.
It’s hard for me to see negative reviews of things I like on websites I respect and value. If you (Gabe) were just some regular dude who I was friends with it would maybe be fun to disagree about the show and call eachother names like retarded but reading it here just makes me sad.
oh well!