I have never read Beowulf. I own a recent paperback translation (w/ explanatory footnotes) by Howell D. Chickering, Jr. but owning is not the same as reading. For one thing, I don’t even like regular poetry, much less epic Olde English poetry of unknown origin. But mostly I am just lazy. Every single day I have to make a decision between reading Beowulf or doing any of a hundred other things, and I know I probably sound insane, but somehow those hundred other things keep winning!

That being said, you don’t have to be a corduroy-blazer-with-leather-arm-patch-wearing Beowulf scholar to recognize that a feature-length computer animated action-adventure adaptation starring Angelina Jolie is a fucking terrible idea.

Beowulf tells the ancient tale of a kingdom in Denmark during the 8th-11th century (somewhere in there) whose beer hall is constantly being attacked by a monster named Grendel. Not cool, bro! Leggo my beer hall! Then, Beowulf, a fabled (and arrogant!) hero warrior, arrives and promises to kill Grendel. In return, the king of the village promises to give him a golden drinking horn with a dragon handle, which was the 8th-11th century equivalent of an iPhone 3GS, that is how highly it was prized. That night, Beowulf takes off all of his clothes, because he knows that his weaponry will be useless against the monster. Grendel shows up and starts killing fools, and then Beowulf does a backflip off of one of the support beams and lands on Grendel’s back and begins punching him in the ear. Then he gets a length of chain from a swinging chandelier and ties Grendel up with it Die Hard style and as Grendel tries to escape, Beowulf slams his arm in the door over and over until his arm falls off. Grendel goes into the mountains to die, and Beowulf is the hero who slammed the monster’s arm in the door so much. Grendel’s mom, though, is so pissed about all of this. So she goes into town and kills everyone, and so now the king asks Beowulf to go kill Grendel’s mom and Beowulf is like “whuuuuuut! How many of these clowns do I have to kill,” and the king is like “I’m Anthony Hopkins, and I will be in any movie anyone asks me to be in, ever.”

So Beowulf goes into the mountain with his trusty drinking horn, and he uses the Flashlight App to light his way into a cave where he meets CGI Angelina Jolie. She tells him that as long as she can have the drinking horn (I am telling you, the wait list for those things was nutz) she will make Beowulf the king and she will also make him immortal. And then she fucks him, I guess? And it kind of turns out that she also fucked the last king? And that Anthony Hopkins was Grendel’s dad? Got it. So Beowulf goes back to the village and lies about how he killed the mom monster and everyone is like “yay!” and Anthony Hopkins is like “if anything ever happens to me, like, say, for example, jumping out of this window as soon as I stop talking, you can be king,” and then he jumps out of the window, and now Beowulf is king.

FAST FORWARD A BUNCH OF YEARS (direct translation from the original text probably), Beowulf is an old king and everyone thinks he’s such a hero, but then one day a slave discovers the golden horn and brings it to him and he’s like “oh fuck, it’s that magic horn,” and so people start dying again because now there is a new monster, which is a dragon, but also Beowulf’s son with CGI Angelina Jolie. The world was a much scarier place when dudes could just have dragon babies if they weren’t careful. So Beowulf goes to kill the dragon, and he is filled with shame for having lied to everyone and for having been the dad of a dragon, and he rides the dragon and stabs it and stuff and eventually he does kill that dragon, but at the loss of his own life, and as they both lie there dead on the beach, the dragon morphs back into a man, and Beowulf holds his hand, and Will Smith’s “Just the Two of Us” starts playing (that part is not true). Right before he dies, Beowulf tries to tell his best friend and trusted adviser (who is also king now) about his treachery, but his friend refuses to listen. Then, as they send Beowulf off into the ocean on a burning ship, Viking-style, the new king sees Angelina Jolie floating in the water, and he finds the golden horn on the beach, and you don’t know whether he is going to learn the lesson of Beowulf or repeat his mistake. FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN BEOWULF 2: THE EDGE OF REASON.

So, here is the thing: Beowulf, it turns out, is kind of a great story! It’s weird that so few people have ever heard of it. You would think this could be a real adventure classic! Oh well, another great work lost to time. We’re just lucky that Robert Zemeckis brought this unknown gem to everyone’s attention before it disappeared again forever. Sarcasm. But the point is that Beowulf isn’t the worst movie of all time for the simple fact that its source material is an incredibly important classic full of resonance and dramatic intrigue, and even though it has been fucked in the face by a tone-deaf computer, it is strong enough to withstand the nightmare that it has become. Somewhere, deep within this stupid, terrible movie, is the tiny seedling of the original Beowulf for us to all cling on to.

But man oh man. There is a lot of garbage piled on top of that seedling! I understand that a movie adaptation can’t be completely (or even “very”) faithful to the original text when the original text is an ancient epic poem, but some of the liberties taken with this are insane. Some changes are relatively benign. For example, in the poem, Beowulf is buried in a tumulus, but in the movie he is cast out to sea on a sailboat. Why? Why not just bury him the way he was buried in the original? Nevermind, that is the least of our concerns. A much more important question would be IS GRENDEL’S CAVE-DWELLING DEMON MOTHER WEARING ANCIENT MAGIC HIGH HEELS?

Enhance.

Hahahahaha, are you seri–[gunshot]

A fun party game to play while watching this movie, though, is to imagine that everything that happens in the movie IS a direct adaptation of the original text. Like, “then Beowulf was riding on the dragon’s back, but they were flying too close to the trees, and now you could see the trees from Beowulf’s point of view, and one of the trees hit him in the crotch, and he grunted, but he kept holding onto that dragon.” Or: “Beowulf descended from the moorings of his ship and walked towards the outrider. He was feeling tense from all that being a hero, so he cracked his neck, tough-guy-style.”

Or my personal favorite: “Grendel was chasing Bewoulf through the beer hall and smashed a table that Beowulf was standing on, but Beowulf ran vertically up a support beam and did an awesome back flip and landed facing Grendel like ‘OH SNAP!’”

Stupid. This movie is stupid. Whoever wrote Beowulf is rolling in his tumulus.

Next week: Caligula. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (120)
  1. The time of heroes is dead: the Christ God has killed it, leaving nothing but weeping martyrs and fear and shame.

  2. buenosueno  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  3. woozefa  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +3

    it needed a flashy gay pimp. a well rounded, flashy gay pimp character would have put this movie over the top. what could have been…

  4. Why is Beowulf naked? Doesn’t he wear a magic chain armor that Grendel can’t penetrate because of God/paganism? My head hurts. But not as much as yours will be next week, Gabe. I feel sorry for you!!!

  5. i don’t know much about classical mythology, but i do know that the Flashlight App is the best free app i ever installed on my iPhone.

  6. alex  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +16

    Neil Gaiman wrote this adaptation of Beowulf! Neil Gaiman wrote this adaptation of Beowulf :(

    • Just pretend his co-writer Roger Avary wrote all the bad parts. It makes it hurt less.

      • I’m a huge Neil Gaiman fan but I’m not a big fan of drunken, vehicular homicide committing screenwriters… so I too chose to blame Roger Avary for this mess…

        Also, between this, The Polar Express, the upcoming Christmas Carol and the just-announced Yellow Submarine remake (all motion captured of course, because it will NEVER be not creepy) I firmly believe that Robert Zemeckis has booked a lifetime seat aboard the bus to crazytown.

        • A remake of Yellow Submarine? Who would see Yellow Submarine as something that needs to have a new CGI-life breathed into it? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

        • yeah, robert zemeckis has opened his own facility in northern california to develop and ‘perfect’ motion capture technology, like george lucas started ILM and skywalker sound.

          he really feels like motion capture is gonna be super popular and a thing we’re all really excited about. he is mistaken.

          and seriously. ‘a christmas carol’? fucking AGAIN?

  7. My favorite part of the original text:

    And then naked Beowulf jumped
    behynd a beer mug
    so you don’t see his dyck
    just like in Austyn Powers.

    Truly a classic.

  8. Hi, Robert Zemeckis c. 1980. I am Future Satan from 2009, and I have come to warn you about your career. You will make more than a dozen movies. I’m excited too, Past Zemeckis. But it’s not “all good” as we say in the future. Yes, you will direct as many as TWO classics, which is more than most people ever direct. But you will also make a movie so terrible that you will never be allowed near real actors again… I cannot tell you which one will be so awful, but it will be one of these three. You’ve been warned Past Zemeckis!

    One of these movies will suck:

    1. A skateboarder who is friends with a mad scientist will get into a stupid car and go back in time. He will then almost hook up with his mom. Music by something called “Huey Lewis and the News”

    2. A big idiot sits at a busstop telling stories. It’s also about AIDS.

    3. A big-budget adaptation of the classic Beowulf.

    That’s all I can say. Proceed with caution, Zemeckis.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

      • No, I’m with you all the way. I lllllllloathe Forrest Gump, but I was functioning on the assumption that most people like garbage. You know the old saying: Underestimate the people what they want.

      • JD  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +1

        I have no idea why some people don’t like Back To The Future 3. Seriously, everyone who hates on it should rewatch it… it’s WAY BETTER than Part 2.

  9. angelina has some gwyneth legs.

  10. There is no point to this CGI animation stuff if it’s meant to look like live action. Why all the bells and whistles when the product is worse for it? The characters all look like freaky, dead-in-the-eyes weirdos. It’s not like they couldn’t CGI that awesome back flip into a live action Beowulf adaptation.

    • all I can come up with is that the original vision and intent were to make a film that looks like a collection of cut scenes from a really shitty video game.

    • I can’t help but feel like all this CGI stuff (cough*avatar*cough) is CGI for the sake of CGI. I mean, we’ve already decided it does not age well and kind of looks corny, but directors have somehow translated that into More CGI = Better Film! Ugh. Embellishments for their own sake.

      I don’t mind CGI, but I can’t even begin to imagine how pitches for this stuff go.

      “Couldn’t we just do this with, you know, real people?”

      “Yeah, but if we do it with CGI everyone will look like their dead inside or have no soul and WE CAN MAKE SOMEONE’S FEET MAGICALLY HAVE HEELS IN THEM OR MAKE THEM BLUE AND TALL!”

      “Take these buckets of money!

      Sorry I didn’t mean to rant this long. If someone here is pro-CGI please put me in my place.

      • Mabuk  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +2

        i chalk it up to the megalomania of a few directors. they must find it liberating to assert complete artistic control over every nuance and pixel in their films

  11. I think the hideous UNCANNY VALLEY aspect alone probably qualifies this movie as a frontrunner in the Hunt. Ugh, ‘scuse me while I vomit the sky. (What?)

    • Tom Tom  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 +5

      I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind being in Angelina Jolie’s uncanny valley! Hi-oh!!!

      High five everyone? Where’d you guys go?

  12. Has anyone here read the book Grendel because it’s great. I have never read Beowulf, but I would Grendel a million times before seeing this movie. It’s both entertaining and an intelligent discourse on multiple philosophies!

    • grendel!!!!!!!!!! so good!!!!! I hope crispin glover and angelina jolie read it to help them prepare for their roles. I like imagining them having grendel book club together.

      • Haha I bet that was a good book club. I can see Glover understanding it, and Jolie being all “Wait, what is with this? Where do I get naked?”

        • Angelina Jolie probably showed up to book club naked. Crispin Glover was like “Huh? Why are you naked? This is book club.” Angelina Jolie went, “Yes, book club,” and gestured impatiently at her naked body. Crispin Glover said, “Oh, you like to be naked while discussing works of literature in other people’s homes,” and Angelina Jolie just shrugged.

    • man, i cried my face off over that book.

      i’m a shameless book crier anyway, so i guess that doesn’t mean much, but i was very sad for grendel and mrs. grendel’s dysfunctional relationship and for how sad she was when he died.

      i also liked that they showed beowulf as the dick he was. he was such a jerk! dude, just kill the monster, you don’t have to rip his arm off! that monster has a mom who is worried about him!

  13. Beowulf is all well and bad but Mortal Kombat: Annihilation deserves a looksee.. terra-boo, i’m telling ya, terra-boo

  14. Easily my favorite WMOAT to date. From “Grendel shows up and starts killing fools, and then Beowulf does a backflip off of one of the support beams and lands on Grendel’s back and begins punching him in the ear.” onwards, so much lol.

  15. Gabe missed my favorite ridiculous detail in this movie: Beowolf kills his dragon son by stabbing his weak point, which is indicated by a FLASHING ORANGE LIGHT! Of course, because an orange throbbing glow has always been pain’s visual representation. I mean, if you are making a computer animated movie, the criticism you probably fear most is: “This looks like a fucking videogame.” You know the first step in avoiding this criticism? DON’T END YOUR MOVIE WITH A CLASSIC BOSS BATTLE FEATURING A FLASHING WEAKPOINT!

    If you want to make a videogame, fine. If you want to make a movie that is not a videogame, avoid doing the FIRST THING PEOPLE THINK OF WHEN THEY THINK “VIDEOGAME.”

    Thanks, I’ll be in the tumulus.

  16. Gabe missed my favorite ridiculous detail in this movie: Beowolf kills his dragon son by stabbing his weak point, which is indicated by a FLASHING ORANGE LIGHT! Of course, because an orange throbbing glow has always been pain’s visual representation. I mean, if you are making a computer animated movie, the criticism you probably fear most is: “This looks like a fucking videogame.” You know the first step in avoiding this criticism? DON’T END YOUR MOVIE WITH A CLASSIC BOSS BATTLE FEATURING A FLASHING WEAKPOINT!

    If you want to make a videogame, fine. If you want to make a movie that is not a videogame, avoid doing the FIRST THING PEOPLE THINK OF WHEN THEY THINK “VIDEOGAME.”

    Thanks, I’ll be in the tumulus.

  17. This movie felt like it was directed by a nerd in high school who was like man, I could do this book so much better! First, I’ll make everything CGI! Then I’m gonna make Beowulf ripped and naked with a ponytail! (“Umm..dude, why did you draw Beowulf like that?” “Shut up! He looks totally badass” “Right…Badass…”) Also, Grendel’s mother is definitely going to be played by Angelina Jolie. And I am going to give her built in heels and show her boobs! Oh man this movie is gonna rock!!!

  18. Hilarzy’s, as usual. But I’ll agree everything up until the idea that as long as the source material is good, the movie can’t ever be totally abysmal.

    Technically, She’s the Man is Twelfth Night. So.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4OhwrMidSU

  19. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Downvoted once for the doublepost, downvoted again for being WRONG. Exhibit A: Eastern Promises. I think we all needed that. (I needed it a lot.)

    • harry belafonte  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +2

      Gavin McInnes said it best on that one blogsitething… “Trying to pick up a girl who doesn?t get the cultural references in your jokes is like trying to fight a guy in the nude. “

    • nakedpainter  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0

      Ooooooh, yessssss they are!!!!

  20. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  21. male naked fight scenes ARE NOT WELCOME ever if it is bland generic CGI

  22. Two classic leaves no room for Who Framed Roger Rabbit, I beg thee to reconsider.

  23. Bobby Seger  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 -2

    Can’t log in Can’t log in Can’t log in Can’t log in.

  24. Braddy  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +4

    Obsessed just came out on DVD and it’s perfect for the hunt.

  25. I feel like I’m obligated to stand up on behalf of CGI since I work in the field, but I really can’t, because I find pointless CGI just as irritating as the rest of you. Some of the best work in recent years are often so subtle that you can barely tell they’re there (“Zodiac” comes to mind), unlike the in-your-face Uncanny Valley camp.

    However, I think Avatar could be different. I didn’t follow Gabe’s “Guide to Celebrating Avatar Day” because I’m a shameless nerd. That 16 minute clip was surprisingly mind blowing. I’m crossing my fingers that it won’t turn into Beowulf II: Space Invasion.

    • Whoops, this was supposed to be a reply to Max’s earlier comment.

      • Oh I like CGI when implemented correctly (what in ,Zodiac was CGI? I haven’t scene it in a while so maybe I’m just blanking), so I don’t think we have anything really to argue about. I just think movies like Beowulf are using this technology way too early and in a poor fashion.

        And I hope Avatar is great! Why would I want a 237 million dollar movie not to be. The thing is, is while it looked good (and I’m sure it’s stunning on a huge screen in 3-d etc etc) the technology, no matter how crazy, cannot cover up the fact that the movie looks like Dances with Wolves+Ferngully. I mean, I feel pretty confident in saying wheelchair guy becomes an alien, connects with aliens and their anti-techno ways, and then helps the less superior civilization dominate the super-teched out humans. I guess that could be somehow a great story, but it feels like we’ve already treaded the going native thing way too many times. A Man Called Horse is fantastic! It doesn’t need blue aliens. Not to mention that, if this is indeed the plot (Cameron even compared it to dances with wolves, I think), then there’s some crazy irony there considering all the technology ol’ James is pumping into this film.

        Wow, that’s way too long. I’m sorry; I was just megadisappointed by the trailer. As an arch-student, I work with computers and can at least recognize all the insane work that must have gone into it, but I really, really hope it’s not something I’ve already scene just with fancy space-age duds.

        • Um, I didn’t mean to do that bold. But hey I guess it works! High five!

          • Most of the work done on Zodiac were landscape-related, such as changing the city by bringing it back to an older time period. It’s no giant robots fighting on pyramids, but the seamlessness of the work is pretty impressive.

            You brought up a good point though…all the comparisons being drawn between Avatar and Dances With Wolves do worry me a bit, but hopefully Cameron can pull it off and deliver a film that is both stunning AND non-stereotypical in plot.

          • it’s going to be hampered by the fact that james cameron’s writing is embarrassing at best.

            my biggest complaints with the bits i saw were that the alien world looked needlessly, unbelievably different. like, okay they ride flying dragon things, but do they also have to be rainbow colored? but what i heard was that jimmy cammy did insane amount of research, hiring evolutionary biologists and other eggheads, to create a scientifically plausible alternate evolutionary path for this world. so, while it seems a little flashy and silly looking to me (us?), he has very specific reasons for making the choices he made.

            while that doesn’t guarantee that the choices he made are aesthetically pleasing to me, it makes me feel better that at least he’s thinking it through and not just throwing a bunch of crap together, you know?

            i wish they’d go back to model building. i know it’s more expensive, but the original star wars movies look so freaking awesome, and it seems like the more sophisticated the CGI tech gets, the more it’s making movies look like poop.

          • I could not agree with you more on the building models part. So much more satisfying! Where the Wild Things Are looks pretty promising, maybe it will inspire some directors to get back into puppetry and models. Probably not though…

          • caserrr  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 -1

            Ah yes, that makes sense. All the stuff in Fincher’s movies has always been great. At times, a little too noticeable (that shot of the van in Fight Club always bugged me), but it’s great (though, not unexpected, i suppose) to see the improvements from movie to movie. That shot in Fight Club, to those long tracking shots in Panic Room through mug handles and such, to Zodiac, which I never even noticed or thought about, then Benjamin Button, which i put my money down as the best CGI in a film (as a supplement in a live action film, that is, it’s pretty tough to top Pixar, and i guess Weta’s always been pretty hot as well)

          • caserrr  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0

            Oh wait, did Weta do Benjamin Button?

          • I’m not sure if Weta was involved with Benjamin Button, but I think most of the tough shots were done by Digital Domain. I agree though…that movie’s amazing. Hopefully more studios would take that kind of subtle approach for future projects.

    • tizzdogg  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 +1

      I agree the 16-minute preview was mind-blowing.
      I saw the first trailer and wasn’t into it at all, but then saw the avatar day footage and was totally sold. Way better acting and animation than I expected (though the dialogue was pretty terrible). I was psyched.
      I then went home and read the Videogum Guide To Avatar Day and was reminded what a pathetic loser I am. So thanks for that.

  26. “I’m Anthony Hopkins, and I will be in any movie anyone asks me to be in, ever.”

    Haha! Vintage Hopkins.

  27. sassy molassy  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +2

    Why can’t I log in? I bet it’s this godawful IE. ANYWAY, I have nothing clever to say, except that after a long day of selling cheap shitty goods to annoying and entitled people with annoying children at Target, this WMOAT made me laugh so damn hard. Out loud numerous times. I needed it. Also, this movie came out when I was finishing up my good ol’ (read: USELESS. see Target reference above) literature degree, and more than a few of my profs were PISSSSSSSSED. Including one who ACTUALLY wore a corduroy jacket with leather elbows. It was pretty blasphemous to them.

  28. The true, original text of Beowulf was in IMAX 3D, so those naked backflips are like “BAM” right there in your face!

  29. I nominate Sukiyaki Western Django. It counts because Tarantino had like too many line, and it is truly bad.

    • sweet baby jesus, that movie stank so bad that i had little squiggly stinky lines coming up from my tv and dvd player, and there were flies.

      but it’s not an appropriate nominee because it didn’t have any A or B list stars. sorry. those are the rules and the game is always the game.

      but man, that movie was the biggest disappointment. it seemed like it could be cool, right? samurai stuff + old west + music video costumes could’ve = tasty time in my eyes. but instead it was just deeply painful. why did they force those actors to speak in sassy, slangy english? why did they have that little boy wear tiny rat tails of different colored hair behind his ears? why did they feel like quentin tarantino should be allowed to be seen by me, and have a pivotal character? why did they have that guy talking to himself all the time? there…there were…there were just so many questions.

      gah.

    • nakedpainter  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0

      I completely agree with you. And I was so WANTING it to be good ‘cuz of my love of all things Japanese (if I could LOG the FUCK IN you’d see my lovely Taki avatar from Soul Calibur, complete with here fabulous huge tits – LOL). Ninja with huge tits…. that is what I want to be in life…. but now I’m just as much as a nerd as Quentin.

  30. I haven’t read Beowulf since 6th grade, but I don’t remember the “Beowulf’s is always fuckin’ naked cause he’s the fuckin’ man, bro!” part. Maybe I read the abridged version.

  31. They put Grendel’s mother in heels (in the movie) because typical viewers can’t handle a scary, powerful female monster who can dominate the lead male, esp. sexually. Putting her in heels makes her (figuratively) more feminized and weaker. The poem’s Grendel was a freaking powerful she-beast who would rip off faces.

    And that concludes our class here at current gender conventionsgum. Professor Grendel signing off.

  32. I will nominate it until the day I grow tired of videogum (never!): A Walk to Remember.

    • i dont remember that movie particularly well, but i do remember that i embarrassed the hell out of my friends i went to see it with due to my inappropriate near-hysterical laughter during the mandy moore death scene. ooooof. based on that memory, i am sure it is WMOAT worthy.

  33. like beowulf, when i kill a seamonster i shout my own name, so that’s one thing they got right.

  34. The Doubting Apostle  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 -2

    While I will cede that the film has a handful of silly moments, perhaps at times unjustifiable ones, I think the overall interpretation of the original story owed to Neil Gaiman was an novel one. The characters in this film were relatively complex, as though they understood the burden of history that they carry, and in the cases of the secondary characters, performances were often subtle. The traditional motifs of the conflict between old monsters and orderly Christian civilization remain but with the twist that the heroic path is an unrealistic one and that these monsters represent a dark side of ourselves that we often fail to acknowledge at our own peril.
    ————
    Yeah, Grendel’s Mother looked like a golden naked Angelina Jolie with a tail and had high-heel feet, that was a bit much, yes, but it makes some thematic sense for a sexualized monster to be fetishistic.
    ————–
    While the film was marketed as following up on the difficult-to-justify “THIS IS SPARTA!” trend of the time, and had some action set pieces (fairly well-constructed ones, but yes they tended to be over the top and occasionally stupid) that admittedly owned up to this, this actually turned out to play a much smaller role in the film than advertised. Though I don’t doubt you watched the film, I do think that you decided to cast the film in this prejudiced aura of an ultra-masculine awkward-looking CG bomb before you watched it, perhaps after you watched the moderately ridiculous trailer. I think you can do better, Gabe.

    • I always wanted to say this in high school, but it never felt right:

      Uhhhhh, whatever, nerd.

      • The Doubting Apostle  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 -4

        I’m sorry, we can’t all come up with your inexorably witty time travel scenarios. It’s quite courageous of you to go with the prevailing opinion and belittle the minority opposition for caring, it’s an attitude that will serve you well. Bully for you.

        • Yeah, you’re arguing that a very bad movie is actually a not-that-bad movie because the Nerd Messiah wrote it.

          For the love of god, when will Neil Gaiman and his awful fans go away?

  35. UnemployedFilmSchoolGraduate  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +1

    I’m pretty sure, at least in the case of Zemeckis, that the primary appeal to going full CG and using motion-capture has less to do with the overall look of the film, and way, way more to do with the fact that if you motion capture your movie, you can control just about everything down to the most minute detail without having to re-shoot anything. Don’t like an actor’s performance? Change it on the computer. Don’t like that camera angle? Change it on the computer. Don’t like how the set design, or for that matter ANYTHING (props, costumes, landscape) looks? Change it on the computer. Etc.

    …of course, that means using mo-cap technology to create films is really only of benefit to super anal-retentive directors who don’t like the idea of being unable to control every single dang-blasted element of their film, but it kind of makes sense in a sad, “what about us, the people watching these movies” sort of way. Especially when you consider that some of the biggest advocates of CG and mo-cap (I.E. Spielberg, Zemeckis, Lucas) are old dudes, no doubt weary from years of making big, time-consuming movies, who probably love how the total control this new technology allows gives them time to finish things quick and go home at the end of the day to spend time with their families.

    • UnemployedFilmSchoolGraduate  |   Posted on Aug 24th, 2009 +2

      Ok, so I was going back over the posts, and I just discovered that Mabuk said exactly what I just tried to say far more successfully, and with way less words, quite a ways back.

      So sorry.

  36. I made it twenty minutes into this movie before turning it off. Yay for me, I can recognize a bad movie!

    Now I’ll go back to nominating “The Apple” (1980) as the absolute most astoundingly bad film I have ever been unable to stop watching. Xanadu meets Rocky Horror produced by EWTN. No, really.

  37. cosi1  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0

    I haven’t read the book in a while but the movie sounds way off. The ridiculous story changes were supposed to sell more tickets? Yea I agree live action might have done better (probably not). Still nominating ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’

  38. Dani  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 -1

    oh man, we had to read Beowulf in my high school english class. the story itself is a real comma-inducer, but this movie is simply APPALLING. from the videogame style CGI, to the obligatory hollywood-sexing up; making grendel’s mom an evil seductress…yeah not in anyway part of the origional story, not even in an subtextual sense. i actually got the impression she wasn’t a real looker, being a monster and the mother of a monster.. evidently the awesome (?) action sequences were NOT enough to gauruntee an audience. BOOO,, two thumbs down, etc.

  39. this movie was so NOT the fresh alternative…blended…

  40. BeoWOOF, you guys.

  41. by the way, u need to do one of the following movies:

    the da vince code
    matrix revolutions
    men in black II
    the godfather III (which I expect will get me in trouble with godfather fans)

    all members of the garbage bin hall of fame…

  42. AP  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0

    I dont see how anyone can watch this movie without laughing their asses off. i mean, just look at all the characters. they look like… i dont know, just look at them. hilarious.

  43. werttrew  |   Posted on Aug 25th, 2009 0
  44. Hopkins got to get PAID, SON.

    Now if you excuse me I am going to watch Hearts in Silence of the That Ryan Gossling Movie Where the Twist is Really Obvious.

  45. OMG!! I totally suggest Antitrust, Angels and Demons, and The Mist for consideration in The Hunt.

  46. cherry  |   Posted on Aug 26th, 2009 0

    the women. you must. though i’m nominating it mostly for selfish reasons, as i don’t think i’ll be able to process it until i read about it here.

    seriously though. it’s bad. like, reallly, reeeeeally bad.

  47. elirobi  |   Posted on Aug 26th, 2009 0

    Yes, thank you. The Da Vinci Code = the largest pile of hooey I’ve ever seen in one place. Forget the plot line about the Knights Templar and Jesus’s progeny, any movie that asks us to believe that Tom Hanks is sexually attractive to a human woman has gone beyond the rabbit-proof fence. His hairline. His nose. His generally doughiness. NEVER would a woman this ugly be in a movie, unless she were playing (thank you, Wanda Sykes) an ugly woman.

  48. Color of Night  |   Posted on Aug 26th, 2009 -1

    Color of Night is a FULL worst movie of all time… and it answers to NO one!

  49. Rob  |   Posted on Aug 26th, 2009 -1

    Caligula, the 70s porno?

    Somewhere, an ancient Roman Emperor is wacking off in his grave.

  50. Robert Zemeckis is the devil – his films are appalling. He should be made to fight to the death with Michael Bay.

    Whoever wins gets to survive to fight Quentin Tarantino to the death – only we let Quentin take his Desert Eagle in with him.

    The world of film would be a better place…

  51. Wade  |   Posted on Aug 28th, 2009 -1

    Beowolf was pretty bad, but i would have to agree with you, Gabe, that it wasn’t the worse movie all time.

    i would have to nomiate:

    Electra

    Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End

    i had the miss fortune of watching Electra and it was even worse then Daredevil.

    and the third Pirate’s was horrible movie that was covered up by big explosions and special effects. i’m still a little bitter and think is should have gotten my $8 back after sitting through three hours of that crap.

  52. Wade  |   Posted on Aug 28th, 2009 0

    Beowolf was pretty bad, but i would have to agree with you, Gabe, that it wasn’t the worse movie all time.

    i would have to nominate:

    Electra

    Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End

    i had the miss fortune of watching Electra and it was even worse then Daredevil.

    and the third Pirate’s a was horrible movie that was covered up by big explosions and expensive special effects. i’m still a little bitter after seeing it in theaters and think is should have gotten my $8 back after sitting through three hours of that crap.

  53. I don’t know if this has already been mentioned, but I nominate The Happening. Can someone please explain exactly how you run away from wind??? For shame, Marky Mark. For shame.

  54. Dan  |   Posted on Aug 29th, 2009 -1

    I want to nominate Guy Ritchie’s Revolver. Buddy knows how to make a great movie, like Lock Stock and Snatch. But buddy also knows how to make a horrible one, like Revolver. Yikes!

  55. I second DuckDuck. The Happening is on HBO now and nothing I read about it prepared me for how bad it actually is. It has to be experienced to be appreciated for the depths of its awfulness. I didn’t watch the whole thing, maybe the first 10 minutes and the last 30 minutes but feel I deserve a medal for enduring that much. Please consider this for WM status, you will not be disappointed, its worstness is epic.

    “Why you eyeing my lemon-drink?”

  56. Dammit! I missed the initial conversation. And after I nominated this about ten million times.

    It’s not like I could even begin to comment on all the horrible things in this movie; there are juat too many. And thankfully the hand of time is slowly washing all memory of this travesty out of my mind so I probably wouldn’t even remember the best (worst) parts anyway.

  57. I think the wackass “Lord of the Dance” headband is far more offensive than the nudity. The fact that his junk is covered by a shadow no matter how much he flips is actually pretty awesome.

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