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Oh, ladies. I can’t say that I have missed you. That would be the wrong word. But I have definitely somethinged you. Not seen you? That’s probably it. It’s difficult to believe that a whole year has gone by and you’re all still…alive (almost) and of interest to America. (No offense! “None taken.”) Is it just me or did Bravo wait an extra long time between Atlanta seasons? What, you guys don’t have a Bravo inter-season calendar on your wall where you check off each day between Real Housewives seasons with a tube of lipstick? Whoops! I missed a little bit!
So how has everyone been? You’ve all been falling apart? Perfect. I wonder how DeShawn Snow likes heaven (since apparently she has died, why else would she not be here but also everyone would pretend like she’d never existed?). I bet when you organize a fundraiser in heaven, EVERYONE participates in the silent auction and you’re never INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSED. Seriously, R.I.P. DeShawn Snow. You might not have had a clue about raising children, and you might have talked about yourself in the third person, but you deserved to live! Kind of!
But there’s a new Housewife! Kandi!
She is a songwriter. She wrote “No Scrubs”!
It might be the first time in Housewives history that there is a woman with genuine talent and a bank account of her own earnings! And she seems nice! She’s like Kelly Killoren Bensimon on opposite day.
She talks Lisa Wu Hartwell into performing in a local production of the Vagina Monologues for charity (HAHA, NICE CHARITY!). For a second I thought Lisa Wu Hartwell was also new, but I guess she was on last season. Did she do anything? Ever? No? That’s what I thought.
Niecy Nash?
Forget it, Jake, it’s Coke Town.
The debut episode of season 2 was painfully lacking in Kim Zolciak as fr as I am concerned. But, so, now that she is broken up with Big Poppa (whoops, you are a grown woman with children and that is what you call your married boyfriend. I think toxins from your wig are leeching into your decision-making cortex!) she feels like she really wants to make her own money. Most of us call that feeling “hunger.” Because of how you need money to not starve to death. Haha, look at me pretending like Kim isn’t so dumb! She goes to her fortune teller. Note: she doesn’t go to a fortune teller, she goes to HER fortune teller. Her fortune teller says that there is a line on her palm that means she’s going to have a baby boy, so Kim goes to the store to buy birth control. Look at these beautiful, powerful women! They live life on their own terms! Kim is going to start a company that makes wigs for white women. Fair enough! Start a company what you know!
Nene got her house repossessed. Or something. But she has a new house now. Don’t even worry about it. This show is about fabulous lives. She and Kim never did have that glass of wine, and all episode long it’s “maybe we’ll have that glass of wine one day,” and “I don’t want to have that glass of wine.” Am I missing something? Is “glass of wine” a euphemism? That glass of wine is like PC’s sexuality. Constantly referenced, never obtained, subtly coded as a threat.
And I nearly forgot about this guy!
Real Housewives of Wherever Token Gay! Every season has one! Except New Jersey for obvious reasons!
So last season was filled with the drama of Nene’s origins. Who is her father? “Well we gonna get the DNA is what we gonna do.” Right. I think we can all agree that Nene has earned a little relaxation time.
This guy knows what I’m talking about:
But the real breakout star of this season is clearly going to be Sheree. That woman is ridiculous and possibly insane! She by Sheree. Pffffft. No, that’s not enough. How do you type the phonetic representation of a knowing and derisive snort that takes into account the grandiosity, arrogance, and dismal failure of something? SHUT UP, FORRESTER, I AM PUNCHING THE KEYS GOD DAMN IT!
So Sheree’s house ALSO got repossessed? Ha! I mean, that is terrible, but it is almost a throughline with this show. Only two of the five women are married, and three of them are struggling with basically no reliable source of income? I am not trying to tell Bravo how to do its job, but someone should tell Bravo how to do its job, because Bravo is not doing its job right.
Then again, yes it is. Because this scene is amazing.
Um, WHAT?
Respect that guy’s top, you guys. The bandana will tell you what to do next.
I like how all the other people in this OFFICE OF BUSINESS are treating this as an issue that needs to be resolved, certainly, but not as anything particularly INSANE or UNBELIEVABLE.
“He said there was going to be a helicopter but now there is not going to be a helicopter.” You do know where you can get a helicopter ride, right, Sheree?
This is what your face looks like:
They’re back.
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I must say I’m disappointed that “vagina monologues” wasn’t a tag.
And also, “party poet.”
I am never wearing my black hanky in my top right hand pocket. I don’t want to receive heavy SM from a man, not after last time.
Is it just me, or is there too much room for error with those hanky codes? I know I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between fuschia and magenta, but it could make all the difference!
I find those extra large peaches vaguely sexual and entirely frightening.
Have you ever tried to eat a peach in public? Impossible.
“Real Housewives of Wherever Token Gay! Every season has one! Except New Jersey for obvious reasons!”
How quickly you forget about Danielle’s gay BFF, The Cryptkeeper…
That is true. Although he wasn’t on the show as much as Dwight. Or SIMON! (Get it? But also there is that awful guy at the fucking Fabric Store.)
I like to think fabric store guy is technojeremy
Are you Gabe or Ramona because you’re calling Simon gay (Simon is tooootally gayz)? The guy at the fabric store was Jill Zarin’s decorator gay – therefore not on NJ either.
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Anthony goes to work on his wedding day? That’s dedication.
The boss definitely just hovered behind me undetected for what was probably the entire duration of TLC’s “No Scrubs” video.
Not sure if I liked “Who gone check me Boo?” or “Yo Mama” the best. Both were awesome.
I was a little disappointed with the premier, not much really happened, and I think they told that party panner to act like a total douche bag on purpose because I’ve NEVER heard of anyone being so rude who also as a “good party planner.” Unless he’s “pulling our leg.”
Sheree/Anthony – [inaudible shouts] OH HELL NO YO MAMA!
{Anthony is drug away by asst. Sheree storms away to parking lot. Silence.}
Party Poet – Um, hey…you guys…if you’re still there, I’m looking for a phrase that could rhyme with Nubian Goddess…
men are carrying her to a throne and women are dropping rose petals at her feet?
sounds like someones reliving her mtv sweet sixteen.
More useless facts: Kandi was also a part of those many R&B girl groups from the 90′s called “Xscape” which also has a grown woman named Tiny who’s TI’s wife…and has her own reality show on BET currently. Oh sorry…I meant “COME CHECK ME BOO!”
That last video paid dividends of LOL like Yahoo! paid Gordo in Frequency. (Relevant). Man, I turned it off too soon last night. (I still can’t believe I turned it on in the first place. I blame you, Gabe.)
“I EAT BITCHES LIKE YOU EVERYDAY!”
“EAT ME, DARLIN’!”
Uhmm…What? Is this real life?
where I’m from you see a dead body every day… and have to listen to some dumbbitch complain that she’s not getting a helicopter ride to her ostentatiously stupid party.
was that david cross’ voice on that billiards video?
Yep, it’s from Mr. Show
I have been that guy at 2:46 so many times.
This is just like what happened when I was planning my eighth birthday party. I said to my mom that I wanted a helicopter, and she said that this was her office. I told her she didn’t have enough connections, that her CV was too short. She started getting smart, so I told her to “touch me, just touch me.” She got up in my face, so right after I left I called up Pookie and them, and they took care of it.
Bravo needs to do a show about this party planner fellow. How tragic is this guys fucking story? He grew up with dreams of being the next Eliot or Ginsberg and now he’s writing limericks for awful human beings with too much money.
party *poet*
From this point forward, I am referring to myself as a Top Level Executive who should be treated as such. Noncompliance will result in your name being burnt in The Industry.
Correct me if I”m wrong, but I thought “boo” was a term of endearment…not something you call a party planner who is getting all up in yer face.
I would respect his top more if he planned a proper party. Look I am a Cleveland Girl who has climbed out of those mean streets and achieved money. That means I can call up pukie and dem (I assume that is what she calls Bone Thugs-N-Harmony) to beat you up but I can also tell you to eat me. Thats right Mr party planning man… eat me. Thats how we do it in HIGH SOCIETY which you would know nothing about. Now find me someone who can get me a flipping helicopter, a proper poet, and a private performance from Michael Jackson because YOU don’t have the CONNECTIONS to get what I want.
Whoops, that professional party planner just screamed at and attempted to physically assault a client on television! That’s gotta be good for business.
I LOVE it how that dude just comes by and closes the door. Obvs this is a normal occurrence, as a “top level executive” yelling at a client didn’t summon other “top level executives” to run in and diffuse the situation.
Didn’t Kandi also have a solo album in the late 90′s with a semi hit song “when your out at the club don’t think I’m not”?