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First thing in the morning, Jon Gosselin cracked open a Diet Red Bull and ironed his favorite Ed Hardy shirt. It had a tiger made out of barbed wire fucking a dolphin in the mouth in the center of a fireball shaped like a yin-yang symbol. It was his formal shirt, for special occasions, and when it was pressed, he sprayed it down with Axe “Kilo” and he put it on with his formal cargo shorts, and his formal wrap-around Oakleys. Guests were coming! Jon Gosselin opened his closet and stood for a moment, debating between the pair of black Tevas and the pair of army green Tevas. Eventually he picked the black Tevas, and he put them on. He examined himself in the mirror, and he decided that he looked great. Jon Gosselin had never been very good at decision-making.
He got a quick blowjob from whoever his girlfriend is now, who even knows. The phone rang.
“Hey, Jon, it is your best friend, Michael Vick,” said Michael Vick.
“Awesome, dude.” Jon Gosselin said. “You’re the best!”
“I used to breed dogs in my basement and make them fight to the death. What time are people coming over?”
“I’m firing up the grill at 3PM, bro! Come over anytime!”
“Sounds great,” Michael Vick said. “Maybe I’ll carpool with Glenn Beck.”
Jon Gosselin took the cordless phone with him as he headed out onto the deck. He had just bought it recently. He’d taken it up to the counter and he could tell that the kid working there was pretty impressed to see someone buying a cordless phone. “Yeah,” Jon Gosselin said, “I’m pretty famous. So.” The kid was basically so nervous to meet such a celebrity that all he did was ring up the cordless phone. Speechless. Jon Gosselin paid for it in cash. 47 dollars, bitch!
“Sick,” Jon Gosselin said to Michael Vick. “You should also put McG on blast. I know he’s coming.”
Michael Vick said they he would, and hung up.
Jon Gosselin rode his riding lawnmower around the lawn. He did donuts in that thing. He smoked a cigarette and when some paparazzi peeked their heads over the fence he gave them the finger. Cool!
Over the course of the afternoon, all of Jon Gosselins best friends, the people with whom he had the most in common, the people with whom he just really loved to hang out, showed up. There was Christian Audigier and Michael Lohan (of course!), and Michael Vick showed up with Glenn Beck AND Rush Limbaugh (fuck yeah!), but other friends were also there: Perez Hilton and Dick Cheney and Katherine Heigl and Darth Vader and Freddy Krueger were there (Freddy Krueger was wearing the same Ed Hardy shirt, actually). Simon and Alex from the Real Housewives of New York showed up, as did Garry Glitter, Shaggy 2 Dope, Jigsaw, Reverend Fred Phelps, Dane Cook, Seth MacFarlane, John Leguizamo’s Demon Clown from the movie Spawn, and the Event Horizon (ship). Also: Donald Rumsfeld, Tucker Max, Bill O’Reilly, Taylor Momsen, the ghost of Joseph Goebbels (BFFs!), Esther, and 9/11 were all there. (Lord Voldemort couldn’t make it.)
And then Jon Gosselin cooked his children, and he served them to everyone.
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Someone is missing from this party. Someone Gabe lurves.
surely a barbecue could use roasted chicken?
I thought it was strongly implied that she was the girlfriend giving the blowjob.
She’s certainly someone’s girlfriend.
Relax, Jon Gosselin’s barbeque already had Katherine Heigl. I’m pretty sure there’s an unspoken rule about only inviting one blonde bitch at a time to a “celebrity” party.
Taylor Momsen was also present.
PC and Sebastien couldn’t make it. They were on a date. With each other.
Sean Hannity is much, much worse than Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck is mentally ill and needs professional help. There’s no excuse for Hannity.
The Event Horizon is the worst guest. Always showing people their own private hell like its cool, but its not. People are just nice to the Event Horizon. It’s sad really. And you know it knows… it’s been to your thoughts.
It’s going to be pretty awkward when every single one of the guests realizes that they all got the same super-awesome gift. Ed Hardy wine!
Kate drove by in a Lexus and screamed “SUCK IT DUGGARS!”
and then she birthed 19 additional children.
Gabe, I suggest that, in the inevitable screen adaptation of this “You Can Make It Up,” the BBQ be catered by Nadya Suleman the Octomom (portrayed by Gwyneth, of course).
Ed Gein and Dan Cortese sent their regrets.
Gwynneth was unavailable, busy as she was showing everyone on goop.com how to roast children. Or…chicken! She forgot.
Is it wrong that I kind of want to go to that party?
I fear that’s the type of event one couldn’t attend even hyper-ironically. After being there for a few minutes, and from the outside looking in, you’d just be a guy/gal that parties with Jon Gosselin, and would never be able to find a job again, because liabilities.
PC showed up and he saw Esther and he was like, “See? A bunch of children. Can we have the virgin conversation, ’cause I bet Jigsaw is a yes.”
you forgot the part where Gwyneth Paltrow arrived in her gold plated helicopter and made everyone try her homemade potato salad.
This ends on a cliffhanger. Did the Event Horizon create a black hole and take them all to hell or not?
HA HA! This joke never gets old.
Ugh, that was supposed to be a response to Godsauce. Meh.
I really want that tshirt.
TJ Maxx, heh, they’ve got so many cool things. Like, you never know, right?
It’s good to see 9/11′s getting out more. He’s just been so depressed since Obama won and he stopped being ruthlessly exploited.
This is like a typical day for me. LIKE.
Upside of inviting the Event Horizon: everybody will be forced to gouge out their own eyes!
Downside of inviting the Event Horizon: if the guests are from the same hell dimension, the ship has little to no effect on them.
(ominous Sam Neill voice)
“Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to be the worst.”
One can only presume that Gwyneth was busy for the same reason Michael Bay was. I’m MB sent an e-card on their behalf.
The ‘e,’ of course, stands for EXPLODING.
Violent J will not forget this slight. You have made a powerful enemy, my friend.
What? DJ Clay and Sugar Slam didn’t get an invite?
OP, you forgot Jay Leno.
I just googled this Jon Gosselin character and I’m still a little confused
jon gosselin rides ponies in front of poor kids. truth fact.
the same ed hardy t-shirt? awkward….
Jigsaw told me I was his “plus-one”…and then he never showed. Shoot. :[[
Better luck next time, I guess.
I don’t know who “Esther” is, but I would have liked to get Event Horizon’s autograph. Dang.
Gary Glitter? I’ll accept it.
Carlos Mencia picked up Fred Leuchter from the side of the highway and showed up just in time for the UFC fight.
Clearly Michael Vick doesn’t have a deep-seated hatred for the white race or white culture.
Now this is my kind of gathering.
I thought someone said Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice we going to be there?
I really appreciate the way this site is bringing Event Horizon back.
Whoa whoa! Major hit on Alex and Simon…
I think I coughed up a hairball laughing when I read that 9/11 was, in fact, a guest at Jon Gosselin’s BBQ. And yes, he would call it a BBQ, not a barbecue.