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Ladies, have you ever wanted to have a baby without going through all the trouble of getting someone to like you? And have you ever wished it was possible to get that baby to look like your favorite celebrity? Well wish in one hand and go to this sperm bank in the other, and see which hand GOES TO JAIL first. From KTLA (via ONTD):
“California Cryobank” announced Tuesday that it has started posting photos of celebrities who resemble their donors to give prospective clients a better idea of what their potential offspring might look like.
“The number one client question we get is: `Who does this donor look like?”‘ said Scott Brown of California Cryobank. “We decided this would be a great way to give thorough and consistent answers. Clients love it. Look-a-Likes has only been available for a week and our Web site traffic is up 50 percent.”
Clients can search for attributes such as height or eye and hair color, and the database will return a list of donors who each have two or three celebrity look-alikes. Users also can choose from an existing library of celebrities to generate a list of matching donors, according to California Cyrobank, which was started in 1977.
Oh Jeez. It’s like Gattaca, but starring Adam Carolla and your womb. (Adam Carolla is just one of the hundreds of celebrity look-a-likes available from California Cryobank.) Others include:
- Vingh Rhames
- Zach Braff
- William H. Macy
- Quentin Tarantino
- Tom Green
- Finesse Mitchell
- Jason Mewes
- Rick Moranis
- Joe Jonas (We’re gonna need a bigger jail!)
- M. Night Shyamalan
- Tom Sizemore
Just all people that you would DEFINITELY want your baby to look like, FOR SURE. And hundreds more! LOOKING GOOD, BABIES!
My personal favorite, though, is Thomas Lennon. WHAT? Living the dream, Thomas Lennon, living the dream. “One Thomas Lennon baby, please.” Miracles really do come true.
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Funny People is really going all the way with their viral marketing
“I’ll take a cocktail of M. Night Shyamalan, Burt Reynolds, and Tom Selleck, please.”
You might want to throw a giant “no homo” in there. I’m pretty sure you just ordered a cocktail of 3 guys’ cum.
Okay, as a gay man, I am going to confer my blessing on this cum-drinking joke, because it made me Lots of Love all over.
here at videogum, we prefer “nullus”. same joke, but with the papal [gabe-al] blessing.
There you go.
There’s a strong theme of chinlessness in that sample list of look-alikes. Except Tarantino. Who would want a baby with a chin that would cut your vagina on the way out? I’ll take a birth canal-safe Rick Moranis baby any day.
Yes, have one.
Quentin Tarantino is a banana face.
At first I was like – “This is awesome – Bern Bjorg!”
But then I was like GROSS:
“There are no vials available for this donor at this time. Additional vials are expected to become available in the future, however, there is no guarantee that this will occur. Please consider this when purchasing information on this donor.
There are no refunds or credits on the purchase of donor information, regardless of vial availability. Any questions about the purchase of information for this donor should be directed to CCB Client Services at 866-927-9622.”
This seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen. I’ll personally represent Lil’ Jay Leno in 10 years when he realizes this was planned. On the flipside, having a Lil’ Jerry Orbach is kind of an amazing concept.
I know which baby I am. I’m the dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude!
Oh boy, I can’t wait to have a baby that looks like Jason Mewes!
Wait.. Jason Mewes!? Really??
I’m guessing in that case, it’s actually Jason Mewes’ sperm.
It’s a pretty fun game to guess which of these donors REALLY REALLY look like the name listed. We’re supposed to believe someone looked at a picture of a guy who wasn’t actually Ricky Steamboat and thought: “Hey, Ricky Steamboat!”?
I guess the other option is that the donor’s the kind of guy that says stuff like: “People say I look like Ricky Steamboat.” Either way…
I’m considering getting the Tarantino but, I wonder, do you have anything with bulgier eyes? Vintage Lorre? How is it aged? Delightful. We’ll have that.
You know, honey, we really ought to take that trip to Sperm Country we’ve been talking about…
What!? No Charles Bronson?
but. . .what if you have a girl? a little precious female william h. macy.
Then you send her to me. Aaaaadorable.
Can you imagine how hard it would be to raise an M. Night Shyamalan baby? Every night he would brag to you about how great his homework is, until you get a phone call from school and find out your lil M. Night has been copying all his “great, creative” homework off the kid next to him.
he would fail all his book reports. his interpretation of Old Yeller would reveal the dog was dead all along. The Diary Of Anne Frank would end on a positive note as she evades the Nazis by throwing water at them.
The most disturbing part is that the website is directly targeting babies!
I’m guessing they give ugly donors a pretty celeb look-a-like?
“His hair is the same as Tom Wellings hair, so we’ll just say he looks just like him!”.
If I could get a Brad Garrett infused with a C Thomas Howell I’d be on board. If I could have babies.
I’m gonna get a Brody Jenner, Dane Cook, Ryan Seacrest combo and officially have the doucheiest baby on the planet!
The Shyamalan babies come out looking like Alan Rickman. Unexpected twist!
I’m pretty sure it’s actually the sperm of all those male actors, after they realized that there is no way in hell any woman would allow them to impregnate her.
What I want to know is, who/what decides that they look like (said) celebrity? Some kind of computer software? Perez Hilton? Who? All I know is, if I’m picking sperm that I’m told looks like Adrian Zmed, I better get Adrian Zmed.
Also: Wolfgang Van Halen? Huh? Why are there teenagers on this list? Gross.
Fact: It is someone’s job to look at pictures of sperm donors and match them to celebrities. And the list of celebrities they could be matched with is apparently limitless. They do this ALL DAY LONG.
Why go for the lookalikes when you can have the real thing, Ladiez? Gallagher is registered at several sperm banks around the LA and Branson, Mo. areas.
Who’s ordering Rainn Wilson babies?
The worst part is that if that guy on the homepage is any indication, the donors don’t actually resemble ANY celebrities, but DO happen to look like a hideous mash-up of 3 other famous dudes. PERFECT! what could be ugly/gross about that? Winning babies!
I would have Thomas Lennon’s baby. Maybe even the baby of a guy that looks reasonably like Thomas Lennon. He was darn cute on the State back in them early 90′s…
I would not have Thomas Lennon’s baby. I would, however, have Lt. Jim Dangle’s.
Well, the cutoffs aren’t exactly a turn-on…
I used to donate to California Cryobank. For reals. I went to the website and checked out the celeb list. Unfortunately “Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights” wasn’t on it, so I probably won’t have any matches.
WOW! Nevermind. Apparently I resemble Giovanni Ribisi and Johnny Galecki. I would like to know how they determine this shit. Since I’m “retired” from the program, does that mean I can only be represented by actors who are no longer relevant? I bet all the new donors look like Michael Cera.
One Chuck Norris baby to go. I’ll have that with extra beard.
Now to play the waiting game until this baby roundhouse kicks its way out.
Rob Schneider babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!