I know that there is still some confusion about how The Hunt works, as evidenced by numerous comments each week, and I suppose that I am doomed to keep explaining the rules, ))<>((, since we will inevitably have new readers who don’t know what is what, and who will not bother to find out what is what on their own. (On a similar note, people can stop suggesting I Know Who Killed Me now, because I already did I Know Who Killed Me.) It seems especially fitting to go over this today since Crank has turned out to be a very controversial nominee. Many people have been very scared about what might be said about their precious, precious Crank. Either that, or very derisive in what they assumed would be a self-imploding shit show wherein I make it very clear that I have never known what the fuck I am talking about and everyone laughs at me because this is Crank‘s world and I only live in it, because apparently Crank, in some people’s eyes, is an unimpeachable work of incredible art, and only a fool would ever dare to even talk about it lest God cut the tongue from his mouth (with heaven lazers? I don’t know). Well, so a couple of things about that:

1. The whole point of The Hunt is to find the Worst Movie of All Time, not to simply survey already known bad movies. Read the rules! The point, though, is that any movie is a valid nominee to this nightmare quest. And if a movie that you happen to like turns up on the list, it doesn’t mean that it’s definitely going to be a terrible movie. If you are right, you should not be scared. Put your movie in the Dune itchy box. We will see if it gets the vivid blue spice eyes.

2. Crank is definitely not an unimpeachable work of incredible art.

Crank begins with a first-person, groggy-headed walk through a modern apartment. We stop in the living room where there is a DVD that someone has conveniently labeled in Sharpie. Thanks! The label is “Fuck You.” Sounds good. ‘We’ put the DVD in the player and find out that an hispanic drug dealer, or something, has injected Chev Chelios with “the Chinese shit” and it is only a matter of time before he dies. Uh oh! Somehow Chev Chelios seems to figure out on his own that he needs to keep his heart-rate up to stay alive, either that or he figures out that he needs to fight a bunch of black guys to stay alive? He fights a bunch of black guys and his heart is like “smart move.” He is out to get the mean hispanic caricature from the DVD, but also to find his girlfriend, Amy Smart, and also to find his doctor. He kills the mean hispanic caricature’s brother and he calls them all faggots. Then he finds his doctor who was busy getting a hand job, and his doctor is like “you need to keep adrenaline going to your heart,” because just over the phone this doctor is able to give him a correct diagnosis that he has indeed been injected with what is known in the medical community as “the Chinese shit.” The doctor may dress like a character out of Leisure Suit Larry, but he is the best in the business. So, now Chev Chelios finds his girlfriend and tells her that he has been lying to her and that in reality he is a murderer for his job, and she is like “yuck,” but then she is like “just kidding, it is every girl’s dream to have a murderer for a boyfriend. This is great news.” Then Chev Chelios finally confronts the bad guys on the roof of the Bromance hotel and a bunch of them die, and there’s something to do with warring gangs and the idea that Chev Chelios actually is a good guy who decided he wanted out of the murder-game, because at the very last minute this movie pretended to have a plot, but the important thing is that Chev Chelios gets thrown out of a helicopter and dies. (But SPOILER ALERT, he gets better.)

First of all, let me just say, I get it. This movie is supposed to be like a videogame, frantically paced, hyperkinetic, and absurd. Who doesn’t get that? The fucking title card beats you over the head with this idea.

So let us not play the “if you don’t like it, you don’t get it” game, OK, Gwyneth Paltrow? If you don’t like Crank, you still get it. Children get it. Children are like “I don’t know why my parents let me watch this, it is really inappropriate for me to have watched this, but I totally get it.” I don’t think that it’s as supposedly-clever as, say, Shoot ‘Em Up, which is another movie that is very self-aware and playing on people’s genre-expectations and the over-the-top-ness of modern action movies. But yeah. DUH.

And if you do like Crank, that is fine too! It is certainly an easy enough thing to spend an hour and a half looking at. It is mindless entertainment, and there is something to be said for mindless entertainment. Personally, I tend to prefer things that are a little heavier on the entertainment and a little lighter on the mindless, but supposedly there is no accounting for taste (Yet! When my Taste Accounting Machine is complete, then we will see).

“Your taste is in critical condition!”

Although I think that a lot of Crank enthusiasts make the argument that this movie knows that it is bad, which I think is a weird argument, isn’t it? I mean, no one sets out to make a bad movie, especially no one paying the millions of dollars for it. And that’s also a weird argument to make for why you like something, isn’t it? I mean, just because something knows that it’s bad (if we’re accepting that that is a thing, which I am still not sure that it is) doesn’t make it not bad. Like, congratulations, everyone agrees this is bad. You did it? I suppose the reasoning behind this argument is that sometimes people just have lower ambitions, and there’s nothing wrong with that, and when they meet those low ambitions they can have low levels of success. I suppose that is true! It is also mildly depressing! Let’s paint, exercise, and have more ambitions, you guys!

But whatever! People like what they like! Some people like Crank! And besides, Dennis is in it!

But there is one scene in particular that I would like to talk about, because I think that this scene pushes the movie beyond just being subjectively entertaining or not entertaining to people who like it or do not like it. There is one scene in particular that I actually found genuinely reprehensible. I am talking, of course, about the Chinatown Sex Scene.

For some reason, for the first time in Hunt history, I’ve had a technical problem that does not allow me to rip a scene for you. For that I apologize. In the past I would make a joke about how you cannot fire me, because I quit, but that joke is not funny to me anymore. So instead I will just say that perhaps today has not been my finest day, technology-wise. But please use your imagination to bear with me:

Chev Chelios has just admitted to his girlfriend over lunch in a Chinatown restaurant that he is a murderer. She is appalled and distraught. She leaves. He gives chase. But oh no, his heart is slowing down! It is the effects of “the Chinese shit”. Suddenly, Chev Chelios has an idea: to make love right away, right there in the street. He suggests this to his girlfriend and she reacts the way many might: she is repulsed and unsympathetic. Which is when Chev Chelios begins to rape her. Oh, by the time he achieves penetration, she seems to basically be on board, but first there is a lot of grabbing and pulling and wrestling to the ground and ignoring of protestations and screams of “NO!” You know, rape stuff. And then they start doing it and the girlfriend is ALL ABOUT IT. She loves this.


I’m not trying to be a humorless scold about this, and I’ve played as much Grand Theft Auto as the next guy (those prostitutes aren’t going to shoot themselves in the face!), but there is something about this scene that is so fucking horrible and disgusting that it makes me really angry. And the thing is, they built the movie’s marketing around this scene. I knew about this scene before I saw the movie. They just omit the part where it was a rape. Smart. That is a really smart way to use a rape in your marketing campaign is to pretend that it was not a rape at the beginning.

The worst.

Not to mention the fact that finding out that her boyfriend is a murderer and then almost getting raped by him is what proves to Amy Smart’s character just how much she loves him? I’m not saying that there aren’t tragically abused people in the real world who find themselves drawn into deeply unhealthy relationships in the pursuit of some kind of emotional catharsis for their wounded and pathologically fractured sense of self, but something tells me Crank was not trying to depict the harsh realities of those personal tragedies. I haven’t seen Crank 2, though, so maybe that’s a movie about how they both address their personal shortcomings and agree to support each other on the difficult path to emotional stability.

So, Crankheads, how did I do?

Next week: August Rush. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (188)
  1. Mikey Shake  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -85

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • You can’t “meh” this for one simple reason:

      There is a Leisure Suit Larry reference in it, and that is top notch cultural referencing of epic proportions.

  2. Mikey Shake  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -96

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  3. Mikey Shake  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -115

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  4. Add Waterworld to the next round, its your winner for sure.

  5. You don’t like it because you don’t get it.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  6. I haven’t seen Crank, but I am pretty surprised about the rape thing, with the rape. How can that possibly be necessary? It adds nothing, unless me being sad qualifies as “adding something”,

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • The rape is necessary because he needed to get his heart going to survive. He needed adrenaline, or else the Chinese shit would speed up and kill him. As another person on this article mentioned, it also makes fun of the ‘ridiculously loyal female co-star of action movies’ stereotype.

  7. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  8. When I was little, I used to be get babysat by my Grandma once a week. Every week I’d rent a movie to watch with her. They would usually be family films and cartoons, but often, by her request, I would rent a Jackie Chan movie. Grandma loved Jackie Chan! She’d watch anything and everything starring him, no matter what it was or how bad it looked; she just wanted to see him do sweet karate flips and hit dudes with wooden planks.

    I have come to discover that Jason Statham is my bald, foul-mouthed, British Jackie Chan. If he’s in it, I’ll watch it. I don’t care if Dwight Yoakam is giving him prescription advice over the phone for 90 minutes or if he’s racing a death car or fighting some uzi chick in a swimsuit, I’ll see it. Probably twice. (The exception that proves the rule is anything by Uwe Boll because no.)

  9. Mikey Shake  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -22

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  10. Feel the AUGUST RUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I assume “August Rush” is a movie about extreme-surfing sponsored by Monster Energy Drink. No?

  11. Funfacts: Crank 2 manages to top the horribleness of Crank 1 in an actually watchable way. The guy who was just doing his job when Mr. Statham’s character held a gun to his head? (We all recognise him from It’s always sunny in Philidelphia.) He gets a stray bullet to his head while in his psychiatrist’s office. And a public sex scene, this time at a horse track. And not in the stands, on the fucking track. I hadn’t seen the first Crank when I watched Crank 2. The friend who took me did not stop laughing throughout the entire movie, not because of the movie itself but because of the bewildered expression on my face the whole time.


  12. I’m not necessarily suggesting it because it probably isn’t TWMOAT, but did anyone else think Gran Torino was really not very good? Eastwood’s awesome, don’t get me wrong, but literally everyone else in it suxxxx. Except the Hmong grandma. Bad writing everywhere. Just no good. Am I right, guys?

    • It’s a well-known fact that Hmong grandmas are pure movie gold.

    • If Gran Torino was supposed to be a comedy then it was fantastic. Who knew Clint Eastwood spewing rapidfire obscenities and racial slurs in Christian Bale’s Batman voice would be so hilarious? I have a hard time believing Gran Torino was a serious movie but if it was… wow, really?

    • Yes! My wife and I watched Gran Torino two nights ago. It is very bad. Then there are briefly charming moments, but then it gets bad again. I second your nomination.

      • lizawithawhip  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +1

        Thank you people for not liking “Gran Torino”, I thought I was the only one. What a bad, bad movie but everyone I knwo who saw it thought Clint Eastwood was “genius”. Uh, no.

        The Forgotten
        Dr. T and The Women
        What Women Want
        Untracebale (enormous piece of shit)
        A Perfect Murder

        • Can I get an ‘amen’ on “The Forgotten”?

          • Amen! Also “1408″ is a huge pile of crap and should not be viewed by anyone… except Gabe.

          • jordanbeard  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -1

            1408 is basically an awful horror movie remake of Groundhog Day.. it is also the worst (well second worst after Across the Universe, but it’s the worst movie that I’ve actually watched all of)
            I second that nomination!

    • Gran Torino should absolutely be Hunt material. It’s a Crash-caliber attempt at discussing race relations, and Eastwood makes himself into a Christ figure at the end. Seriously – he’s crucified by bullets. In the wrists. Some of it is kind of cute in that way that it’s kind of cute when your grandpa says things like “Charlie’s ruining the neighborhood,” except by kind of cute I mean kind of racist.

    • Get off of my e-lawn.

    • Really, you guys? Gran Torino is bad? I quite liked the movie.

      I don’t think “race relations” was the point of the story. I think the point of the story was twofold: For Walt to realize that his values were a lot closer to the Hmong family than to his own family, and to have a Father-Son relationship with Thao (Teach him what it means to be a Man). I felt the movie did great on both accounts. Hell, one reviewer (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/escape-to-the-movies/755-Up) even likened Up as Pixar’s take on the same concept (the Father-Son Part).

      Well, with like 5 of you suggesting it it seems that Gran Torino will be nominated. It’ll be interesting to hear what Gabe thinks (Gabe, would you take what I thought the movie was about into account before you go after it for “race”, which I already stated wasn’t the point of it anyway.)

    • I second Gran Torino. Granted, it’s not the WMOAT, but it’s pretty lousy with the clichéd storyline, and the bad scripting and acting. Also, a lot of people seem to like it for some inexplicable reason, so someone needs to bring it down a notch.

      Again, it’s not as awful as, say, Crash, but it comes close.

  13. This TWMOAT has all the wonderfulness of all the TWMOATs, except for one thing: “He fights a bunch of black guys and his heart is like “smart move.” He is out to get the mean hispanic caricature from the DVD, but also to find his girlfriend, Amy Smart, and also to find his doctor.” The whole time, Gabe, you toss yourself a softball pun (Amy Smart move) and, instead of swinging your pun bat made of aluminum and Werther’s originals, you let the softball pun fall harmlessly to the earth. So here I am in my house shouting, “Swing, motherfucker!” and my wife is saying, “Why are you yelling at the computer?” So thanks, Gabe, for injecting tension into my marriage by not making that pun.

  14. Isn’t there a sequel to this movie? I thought in order to make a sequel, you have to have an undeniable piece of art to begin with. RAPE ART.

  15. so the filmmakers were trying to say that women really do like to be raped cause at least they’re getting off right? sam peckinpah, you’re legacy lives on.
    every once in a while, a contender for WMOAT gets through to my eyes and i stupidly watch the whole thing. i’m reminded of Blindness as it also had an unbearable, unnecessary (gang)rape scene (i realize rape scenes are never “bearable”. you know what i mean). i’m pretty sure you haven’t done that one?

  16. In the Land of Women. YES STILL.

  17. boo  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -20

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    • I think you meant “How about not Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.”

    • My, what a mediocre, dreadfully boring movie that was. And half the cast couldn’t even be bothered to try a British accent! I think I’ll second.

      • Nobody “tried” for a British accent. The ones who spoke with one were British, and the ones who didn’t were not. The point of the movie was not to be an authentic period piece, which, obviously, if it were going to be convincingly French, all the actors would have to at least TRY to sound British, because of course.

        Actually Gabe, if you do a period piece for WMOAT, I nominate Vatel so hard.

        • boo  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -1

          Well, what was the point of the movie? Seriously, I would like to know. Sure, the costumes and scenery were beautiful, but I found it to be also totally superficial. If you like watching mindless extravagance with barely a plot for two hours, I guess it’s a great movie then.

          • Look, Marie Antoinette is a historical figure about whom almost everyone already has a preconceived notion. The French Revolution is remembered almost exclusively from the point of view of the oppressed civilians, and as a result we are trained to automatically demonize the opposing side, the wealthy aristocracy. Coppola’s movie is too apologist to be taken very seriously, and in any case, I don’t think a film that indulges in a shoe-and-pastry montage set to Bow Wow Wow and includes a pair of Converse All Stars even asks to be considered “revisionist” or heavy or whatever, so basically calm down. But anyway, the pertinent lyric is “The problem of leisure, what to do for pleasure.” Marie Antoinette was too young and dumb and indifferent to be a sovereign so she indulged in escapism constantly, to the point where she had to meta-escape even further just to keep from total boredom, until reality catches up with her and everyone dies. But the trick of the film’s visual beauty is that we also escape into it, and indulge in becoming part of the fantasy world of Versailles. So how can we, as modern and at least relatively informed viewers, reconcile our automatic critique of the lifestyle depicted, knowing what we know about went on outside of it but is never shown, with the simultaneous desire to be a part of it? We see the same dilemmas today. We totally dehumanize the rich and famous just for being rich and famous, yet we all strive towards that same state because we are a part of a society that encourages obscene wealth and ascension. If the film is shamelessly apologist, it only goes to underscore that there are traces of humanity and suffering in every realm of existence, from the overprivileged to the destitute. Our society discourages this view, hence the cliche of “white angst”…how can we possibly dare to have a minor existential crisis at our air-conditioned office job when there are children starving in Africa who can’t even put food on their families. Yet life is at once beautiful and unbearable for everyone at some level.

            I like this movie. And you asked. So there is my abstract for my final paper in Overconsidering Pretty Films 101 at No One Even Cares University.

          • boo  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 0

            Although I think you’re giving it too much credit, you make a fair point. It probably isn’t the worst movie, I really only suggested off the top of my head because the friends I saw it with also thought it was awful, and I was mostly just disappointed with how fucking boring it was.
            But really with the -20, guys? It was a movie with lots of pretty shoes and cakes, it’s not like I’m the clown who suggested There Will Be Blood a while back.

          • Louis  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 -5

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          • Carrie  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +4

            Gandhi, of course, well known for being shallow and superficial. Anyway, I wasn’t preaching, I was just trying to provide a suggestion for where the movie might be coming from, to show that it wasn’t just a boring plotless pretty film. And even if that’s what I think the movie is saying, that’s not necessarily exactly how I feel about the world, and in any case, social commentaries are always given in a general way, regarding the most visible aspects of society, and not really meant to include every single person. So calm down, Chris Brown, jesus. Do you live in a commune? Are you a hermit? That would explain your total lack of manners.

          • …How boring.

  18. jdeuel  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +18

    As far as movie-rape goes, I don’t like how most people don’t recognize that the finale of Revenge of the Nerds and the entirety of Superbad are about raping chicks.

    • first of all Betty liked being tricked into having sex with louis because sex with louis is awesome because louis is a nerd and nerds are awesome at sex because all they think about is sex, whereas all jocks think about is sports. and second, Superbad is all about raping chicks? Are you referring to the “we could be that drunken mistake” line? Alcohol being used as social lubrication and reducing inhibitions in the high school/college mating ritual is tantamount to rape? That is certainly a cynical view of the world. It is not as if they were waiting for girls to pass out to have sex with them, or were investing in roofies.

      • staveitoff  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 +10

        Yes I love it when guys “trick” me into having great sex. I hate having to sort through all my options by myself.

        ALSO, wrong about Superbad. Lots of people have lots of fun consensual drunk sex all the time, especially in high school. That changes when one person actively tries to get another plastered so that they will have an easier time putting their penis into that person.

        May I draw your attention to this scene:
        Evan is protesting that he “respects” Becca too much to fuck her while she is “out of her mind wasted” (it’s “unethical,” he says, which is as close as the movie ever comes to the r-word) and Seth looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I don’t see why you have a problem with this.”

  19. If you are interested in discovering whether a movie can truly aim to be bad, I would suggest taking a look at Funny Games. Dude was so amped on making it unbearable, he did it twice. The movie attempts to deprive the viewer of any enjoyment, to purposely expose the distaste of “torture porn”. Whether it succeeds or not is up to the individual, of course, but many people left the theatre and my friends all loathe me for making them watch it. I think you can only enjoy the concept of the movie, which I do, yet I think the actual film is hard to like.

    • Agreed. Audiences don’t go to movies like Funny Games or The Strangers to see some sick fuck torture and rape the lives of averagely boring people, they go to see those average people lose their shit and get revenge pn their tormentors. By taking that element out of the film (*SPOILER- and in Funny Games’ case even REWIND the fucking film to remove it) you have removed any enjoyment a rational viewer could get from it. I mean, even The Devil’s Rejects, which was made for rooting for the bad guys, doesn’t deny the viewer this comeuppance.

      • Correct. The characters even break the fourth wall a couple times by asking viewers if they are enjoying the film, who they are rooting for, and if they’re holding their breath for any possible plot development. The final kill in the film is exceptionally understated; the reverse of “going out with a bang.”

        I really get quite a kick out of the whole exercise. It’s great fun to talk about, yet requires such a long and tedious viewing to do so. If the viewer isn’t “in on the joke,” it must take twice the patience to make it through.

        • I’m gonna third this. Funny Games is doubly bad because it’s trying to make a SRS BZNSS point about violence in movies in the most unbearably smug way possible. It tries to argue that it isn’t the thing it’s criticizing, but it is, and that should be the point, but it isn’t because Haneke is maddeningly pompous. GAH. You can’t have your cake and rewind time back so that you can have it too, Todd.

          • Woops, misread this. You actually LIKE Funny Games.



            *runs away*

          • Sort of, yes. Sort of, no. The film is quite terrible. The concept is engaging. Whether the film succeeds in execution of the concept… that’s debatable. I could argue either way, really.

          • Hey, at least Haneke had the smarts to not let the American remake be done by RON FUCKING HOWARD (seriously, that was who was going to remake “Funny Games”. an adult with a college education thought that Ron Howard and “Funny Games” would make a good match). In the end I applaud Haneke for not letting that happen, even though the remake was pretty bad nonetheless (I actually really enjoyed the original version, whoops I’m pretentious, I guess)

          • XTRMNTR  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 +2

            I think you might be mistaken–I don’t think Ron Howard was in negotiations to direct a remake of Funny Games. Ron Howard is still, however, attached to a remake of Haneke’s Cache, which is almost as bad, if not worse.

  20. What Happens in Vegas. There was one part where Cameron Diaz just gets mad at Ashton Kutscher within like a minute of talking to him, and honestly, I couldn’t figure out why her disposition changed so drastically so quicklu. At that point I switched the channel from HBO to watch something less crappy.

    • courtney  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +5

      Thank you I thought I was the only one who hated this movie. Another bad romantic comedy ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’ Witness the pain of no chemistry between Simon Pegg and Kirsten Dunst.

      • Dan  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +14

        Really? You thought you were the only one who didn’t like What Happens in Vegas? There wasn’t another person that you mingle with who mentioned that this movie is at least sub-par? I think Ashton Kutcher should take the place of[or be added to] Mariah Carey in the rules. Anything he does is automatically one of TWMOAT so his movies are exempt. It’s redundant.
        I wonder what Lindsay’s doing today? I bet she’s running in fields and eating ice cream…sigh.

  21. RunBMC  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +4

    I won copies of both CRANK and CRANK 2 at a party, and both of them still sit on my shelf in their protective plastic shrink-wrap. I think they will probably remain that way until I sell them for the pocket-change they will garner at Amoeba. Thank you for saving me the hours of wasted life.

    And I second Kathleen11′s nomination of BLINDNESS. If the rape in CRANK bothered you, you’ll probably need to be tied down for the shit that goes on in this one. The behavior of Julianne Moore’s character for the better part of the film makes me believe I would slap her in the face if I saw her on the street. A truly stupid, horrible movie that thought it was deep and arty. Ugh.

  22. So does the fact that you’re doing “August Rush” mean that you’ve recovered enough to start doing Robin Williams movies again?

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  24. The funny thing is, after reading this I still want to see Crank. I just won’t take it seriously. I think when people say “it knows it’s a bad film,” what they really mean is it doesn’t take itself seriously, as some really awful films do.

    This review manages to be funny while not completely dissuading me from judging the movie’s crappiness for myself. That’s high praise!

  25. I remember vaguely liking this movie when I saw it, when I was fifteen.
    As always, I submit gossip.

  26. Hmm I’ll probably never watch Crank now.

    I’m going to continue with my request for Home Fries.

  27. Fair enough Gabe, fair enough. I did enjoy Crank and I think it knows that it’s bad. I didn’t reread the rules but I thought one of them was that a movie can’t be intentionally bad and get on the list. It’s your list so you can do what you want. The review is plenty funny, I don’t mind that you hate Crank. It’s OK really.

    I do have to admit the rape scene is reprehensible. I just don’t take this movie as seriously as you seem to. But hey fair enough you make a good point. I guess rape is not really something to joke about, thanks mom.

    • Well, I DID reread the rules just now, and the first rule of the Hunt is “It cannot be intentionally horrible.” So maybe you should explain why intentional horribleness is addressed in the FIRST RULE OF THE HUNT if you’re not even sure that it is even “A THING,” OKAY, GABE?

      Devil’s advocate?

      • charming  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +6

        Okay, admittedly, I could be completely wrong here, but I take the ?no intentionally bad movies? clause in The Hunt rules as referring to stuff like Troma films ? things that absolutely no one could legitimately argue aren?t trying to be bad. Things that are basically advertised as ?hey look at how bad we made this, that was the whole point of doing it.?

        I think the reason things like Crank are still eligible is that while you could argue it?s intentionally bad, you could also argue that it?s not. I think as long as it?s at least somewhat open to interpretation, it?s a legitimate contender for The Hunt. Anyway, really not trying to be all Professor Deciphering The Hunt Rules, but I think that?s what the difference is.

  28. RunBMC  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +5

    Yikes!! I just realized that AUGUST RUSH will finish off this round of The Hunt! Please tell me there will be a third round. This has become a Monday ritual for me, and I will cry harder over the loss of this than I did for Lindsay.

  29. Dave...  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +1

    For more Jason Statham garbage, you must do LONDON…featuring Chris Evans and Jason doing blow in a bathroom for about 90 minutes…JS also talks about how he likes getting pooed on by hookers

    wait, maybe its the BEST movie ever.

  30. Dave...  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -7

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  31. See, I think Crank exists to expose other retarded action movies for what they are. The fact that it does this while remaining ridiculously entertaining is pretty admirable. I don’t think the rape scene is supposed to be rational. It’s basically making fun of the usual action movie cliche that women love dangerous, musclebound men and will love them unconditionally, regardless of all the terrible shit they have to go through to do it. Crank just takes this 5 levels higher than your average action movie does, just like it does with every other terrible action movie cliche (i.e. terrible/vague/incomprehensible/nonsensical plots, random fight scenes, ridiculously over the top stunts).

    • I know this may seem pretentious in a conversation about a movie starring Jason Statham called Crank, but exactly. I watched Crank in the theaters expecting it to be a terrible terrible action movie. But I really enjoyed because I thought it was a kind of post modern commentary on action movies and action movie cultures. The stereotypical mexicans aren’t so much as knowingly dumb caricatures as they are satire. That’s why it bothers me people say Crank is dumb and knows its bad, because it isn’t. Its really good, just in a way you wouldn’t expect.

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  33. ortheris  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -5

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  34. I stand by my previous suggestions of White Noise and Body of Evidence, but I would like to add Cellular to that ball of shit movies. Jason Statham, Kim Basinger, and Chris Evans were terrible, and there is a senseless cameo by William H Macy, who has no sense of self-worth outside of Fargo. Actually, there was nothing not terrible about Cellular. Really, truly, deeply awful. Not serious enough to be a thriller, but not light or self-aware enough to qualify as mindless entertainment. The Ricky Martin non-sequitur? Fuck that movie!

  35. shitimus prime  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -1

    Shitformers: Revenge of the Crapen

    Ebert said it best:

  36. The Lakehouse, Gabe!

    and they had the NERVE to set it in Chicago and the surrounding suburbs!
    it’s much much worse than the trailer makes it look. if you can believe that.

  37. Leaving Las Vegas. Please.

    (There’s no rule against Nic Cage yet, right? Asshole got an OSCAR for that crap)

  38. eddie  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -14

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  39. blucheez  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 0

    I sat through 10 minutes of Crank before slapping it back into its envelope and sending back to Netflix. Gabe, I admire you for lasting the full 90 min and writing this post.

  40. freckle  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +5

    Thanks for pointing out how offensive and potentially harmful the rape scene is. I saw this on late-night tv and was so upset! I’m not uppity or anything, but graphic rape scenes that don’t accurately depict the severity and irreparable damage it causes should be banned from media. Especially ESPECIALLY if it’s in a video game/RPG format.

    Really, thank you for writing this, Gabe. You’ve got a soap box of steel.

    • “Graphic rape scenes that don’t accurately depict the severity and irreparable damage it causes should be banned from media” but glorified murders and high speed chases are just fine by me.

      • Yes, I honestly think violent rape is worse than murder. At least a murder victim doesn’t have to continue living feeling powerless and violated. But that’s my own opinion and I think we can both agree that it’s a lose-lose. High-speed chases, however, are totally rad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -45

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Yeah, because only advocacy groups and people who work in women shelters can be repulsed by the idea that a woman can change her mind mid-rape and become all orgasmic. Just because a movie is trying to be “fun” doesn’t remove all responsibility, especially when its target audience is young impressionable dudes.

    • really? cinematic nihilism? Maybe elitist jerks like Gabe just don’t get the working class, blue collar ethic of such cinema tour de forces as crank? but on the other hand maybe a retarded primate could of written directed and started in this insult to my low brow underdeveloped Pabst drinking hockey viewing mind.

      • OK Canadian, watching hockey makes you stupid. Got it. Lighten up. I liked Crank, it is a horrible stupid movie. However it is not meant to be taken seriously. If it’s not your cup of fair trade tea that’s fine. No accounting for taste, which I think Gabe pointed out. It’s possible to disagree on the merits of the movie without being a dick. There is a real case to be made that Crank is supposed to be an absurdist take on how stupid/uncreative action movies have become. Read Patton Oswalt’s review if Crank 2 if you need some cover. Did you see the movie? Maybe you should not. It is not intended for people who’s sensibilities are easily offended. But I managed to sit through the Ginipigu movies so maybe my opinion doesn’t count. We don’t all have to like the same stuff, it’s ok.

    • Jenn  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +7

      Somebody needs a hug :-(

    • gotta love nerd rage

    • Dan  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +13

      Recant the review Gabe! He’s on the verge of being turned off to videogum…FOREVER!

  42. That rape scene is disgusting. I was just watching a Family Guy rerun tonight (guys, my mom was making me. I promise) where Quagmire starts to pin down and rape Marge Simpson (what) but then after some resisting Marge is all “oo that wasn’t that bad” and Quagmire is all “how about going back to my place for round 2″ and then like five bad Simpsons jokes and the awkward silence in my living room and my mother’s quiet sigh of dismissal. Yeah.

    • Yeah, I actually do like Family Guy (I know, I know), but that was a needlessly vile joke for no reason other than, “Hey, check it out, we’re better than the Simpsons”

  43. I’m just happy Gabe knows what Leisure Suit Larry is.

  44. buenosueno  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +1

    gabe is always best when he’s angry. it gives him purpose i guess. like the hayden christiansen/anikan skywalker of the internet.

    you no likey fictional rape? not a fan of the fountainhead i take it?

    • Who IS a fan of The Fountainhead? It’s a piece of reactionary garbage.

      • buenosueno  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -9

        Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • Philosophical mores which Ayn Rand found intolerable. Unfortunately, her alternative was even worse; ethical egoism fails spectacularly because it boils down to simply unjustified discrimination against everyone who’s not you.

          • I always thought The Fountainhead was more potent as a parable that teaches us the importance of personal and artistic integrity. I know that’s boiling it down a bit, but I don’t think you have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. (The baby is the essential moral of the story, and the bathwater is Ayn Rand’s personal biases and weird issues with sex.)

            That said, most people who love the book tend to be incorrigible jerkfaces.

          • So where does the notion that ice queens who sleep around just need a good raping fall? In the bath or the bathwater?

  45. courtney  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 0

    Thank you I thought I was the only one who hated this movie. Another bad romantic comedy ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’ Witness the pain of no chemistry between Simon Pegg and Kirsten Dunst.

  46. Wash  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -11

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  47. Ok stay with me on this for just a second. Crank is like a bizarro world No Country For Old Men. NCFOM refuses to behave like a movie. It stays true to the source material and nobody does anything that can in any way be “movie logic.” i.e. the way movies normally behave. Things happen the way they would in the real world (for the most part).

    Crank, on the other hand, does only movie logic. But it ends up not behaving like a movie either because it ignores all the restraints a normal (you could say responsible) movie would observe. Absolutely nothing in Crank happens the way it would in the real world.

    No Country is obviously a vastly superior movie, don’t get me wrong.

  48. flaknitter01  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +1

    Dr. T & The Women. There is nothing worse than two and a half hours of chatty Texas women, until a hailstorm and graphic impromptu birthing scene take place. This movie screams suicide.

  49. krizriktr  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +4

    I really think that you need to suffer through Nell and I want to see what will be your hilarious review of Nell.

  50. Andy C  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +7

    Hey Gabe, love the column but have not commented yet. I normally like to just let you pick what you wish or let my fellow readers suggest a movie for the Hunt, but after watching a particular movie this week I felt the need to suggest it: 88 Minutes. I like Al Pacino. I like Ben McKenzie. When I was in high school Lelee Sobiekski (sp?) was hot. And I like thriller type movies. But this was just terrible. I could almost hear your commentary in my head as I was watching it. I seriously hope you consider this movie for the next round.

  51. Robin Williams and Gabe ))<>(( 4EVA

  52. Where’d the funny go? You don’t need to explain why people like it and think it shouldn’t be on this list (I’m one of them). It takes up too much space. Just rip the film apart!!!

  53. Ab  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +8

    Gabe, you went way out of your, um, way to explain it’s okay to like this movie and people still got offended.

    And for the people trying to make Crank into some sort of misunderstood art….you’re seriously dreaming. The entire movie was made with delicate touch of…executives. The movie is a giant outcome of focus groups for what 16 year old boys will be drawn into.

  54. I don’t understand why he couldn’t have just run around the block a couple times if he needed to get his heart rate up. Or was it like, I need to get my heart rate up and have an orgasm because I do. That actually doesn’t seem totally outside the realm of logic of this film. On another note, this continues my theory that Amy Smart turns everything she’s involved in into crap. Not that it wouldn’t have already been crap, which this would have.

    Per usual, I nominate Horrible Sex in the Worst City.

  55. Gabe, besides another nomination for Silk, because unbearable movie is unbearable, I need, need you to review eXistenZ (“CAPITAL X, CAPITAL Z” as Christopher Eccleston informs us). Not because it’s The Worst Movie Of All Time (although, could be! I don’t know what the fuck is going on enough to figure out if it’s The Worst or not!), but because it’s definitely Very Bad.

  56. Raz  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 +10

    - Amy Smart must?ve needed the money. Her character is barely above retardation.
    - The rape is the worst scene ever that I can think of in a major motion picture. There are 100 people standing around watching, and it’s only not ‘rape’ because the script dictates that she gets into it.
    - At least half the dialogue is yelling, and no one is saying anything remotely interesting.
    - There?s a terrible shaky handheld camera motif that?s interspersed in, shot to look like the Rodney King tape or something
    - And an even worse device where the filmmakers use Google Earth to show the settings across L.A., complete with Google logo and copyright at the bottom of the screen; Google should be embarrassed to be involved with this film.

    I don?t know how this got made beyond putting Statham?s name over the title; if I was a studio exec or a producer, and this script came across my desk, I?d kick the person out of my office.

  57. octavis  |   Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 -17

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  58. in the week I’ve had since I first was like “how can you do Crank?” I’ve sat and thought about why it bothered me that you might find this to be the worst movie of all time. I know its bad, I mean, it’s got some charm and the pace is engaging, if nothing else, but the real reason I didn’t want this to win is because of it’s attitude. It doesn’t care if you don’t like it, or about being logical in any way, it bases these people that you know for like ten minutes total on these fucking horror stereotypes (which made me afraid of east LA for forever) and it winks as it runs away yelling ‘fuck you.’ Jason Statham is a B movie star. He’s super famous, but not for his acting skill, and if you run with this as more of an Ed Wood Action Flick, maybe you’d feel more how ‘crank apologists’ feel. That’s what I meant when I said it knew it was bad. Just as I admire comedy troupes (Stella being the standout example) who are funny precisely because they don’t seem to care about making you laugh, I liked Crank for being the kind of action movie that didn’t want to be an action movie. No robots, aliens or landmarks exploding, no Van Damme, Sylvester or Arnold (or Christian Bale), just a guy keeping his heart rate up. It’s a ridiculous premise, but the movie doesn’t mind being stupid, and it doesn’t care enough to try and grab anyone who doesn’t want to watch it. That there was a sequel (which was twice as fun, since now everything was an inside joke) amazed me. That’s all.

  59. Jill  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 0

    I nominate ‘The Pirate Movie,’ with Kristy McNichol & Christopher Atkins (of Blue Lagoon fame!). I know there are rules about musicals, but really, it’s only half-musical. And all terrible. Netflix describes it as a “delightfully campy ’80s update of the timeless classic ‘The Pirates of Penzance’ by Gilbert & Sullivan.” How can anyone not want to watch that with hate in their hearts?

  60. mighty undies  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +3

    more nominations next week!!
    I hope my southern prayers about ‘Cold Mountain’ don’t pass unnoticed

  61. Gabe, I’m really sorry. Little Nicky.This movie will eat your soul.

    P.S. Finally August Rush gets the pinning it deserves. A friend of my brother’s lent it to him because it inspired him. I ended up spending the entire running time riffing on it, MST3K style. He was pissed at first, but a fewweeks later he told me he wished he joined in. After that one, I assume you’ll make a rule of “No More Prodigy Movies”.

  62. H.F.G.  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +4

    Thank you Gabe, for this review. I almost turned the movie off at the rape scene, but I was like no, let me see where this is going. My brain punishes me everyday for that decision.

  63. Gregorious II  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +2

    Please do Flightplan with Jodie Foster.

  64. Second the thing about cinematic nihilism. Crank is essentially a punk movie; it’s cheap, snotty, inventive, and OK with punching you in the face. There’s an element of masochism involved in signing on and a presumption that you like transgression for it’s own sake (notice homeboy from “Always Sunny” showed up for part II as well). I mean, your critiques are more or less true, but they kind of ellide the actual schema the movie is working within.

  65. It’s a rape scene that knows it’s a rape scene.

  66. Krista  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -2

    I know everyone gets pissed at this suggestion, but after this lovely recounting of what The Hunt is all about, I will continue to nominate Altered States. It’s bullshit.

  67. morelikegaybe  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -1

    I was unfamiliar with this film. And when I started reading this review I had to do a doubletake because I thought the premise was that someone injected Chris Chelios with whatever. Like you call aging haggard white men old hockey player names the way I, living in the Pac NW as I do, refer to random haggard aged rocker types ‘the guy from Mudhoney.’

  68. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  69. Also, meant to include this in my previous post, that wasn’t really a review. It was a diatribe about people who like Crank and how the commenters have been treating this review with a short plot summary and a small rant thrown in for good measure. I think the movie deserves the usual quality write up as much as everything else.

  70. Nice Dune reference!
    Also, as well as the Chinese shit, you could have touched on the Haitian shit, made from plant shit.

  71. Hamlet 2! There is nothing worse.

    • CBr00kP  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -2

      Boooooo, Hamlet 2 is mildly funny, come on! Although if Gabe made a gif of Steve Coogan doing a high kick in a caftan, I would approve Hamlet 2 for the Hunt.

      I nominate Revolver starring Jason Statham, Andre 3000, Big Pussy, and Ray Liotta for being a boring, overwrought piece of Guy Richie’s macrobiotic kabbalah shit.

      Also, The X Files: I Want to Believe because yo dawg, Xzibit herd you like bad movies, so he put a slew of horrible acting in yo’ shitty movie so you can watch terrible performances while u write about terrible movies.

      And Catch and Release. Just, wow…

  72. AP  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +2

    i have a great WMOAT for you: The Core. because wow.
    also, i would like to see an edward burns movie on the hunt. and at least one kevin smith movie.

  73. Gran Tornio  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 -4

    Please do “Gran Torino”! Soo awful.

  74. I’m gonna have to nominate Silent Hill again. It’s fantastic.

  75. I nominate:

    The Holiday
    Watching The Detectives
    Rachel Getting married

  76. “A Tae inna win!”

    I still say that shit, just to mess with people.

  77. Annie  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +1


  78. i would like to nominate “pathfinder” it should be a community TWMOAT though. because everyone deserves to crap on that one.

    • Agreed. I knew Pathfinder would be bad going in but it was so much worse than it needed to be. It’s a classic example of FAIL. It doesn’t do what it sets out to do. They were trying to make a good B movie but were too serious and still got it stupid.

  79. Judge  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 0

    I just watched Gone Baby Gone. That is a bad film. There’s no amount of sad Morgan Freeman that can salvage that.

  80. Azz  |   Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 +1

    Please tell me what is going on in that picture with the children in the “Taste Machine” Black and White photos like that freak me out.

  81. Color of Night  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 0

    This movie sucks at everything, including sucking. For the real suck, please review COLOR OF NIGHT (1994) which is so bad, you’ll want to see Crank again for relief. Dude, it’s bad I mean it’s rull rull bad.

  82. MoonJewel  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 0

    I want to nominate Crazy/Beautiful again because there is nothing worse than an earnest movie about high schoolers (yuck) falling in an unhealthy, psychopathic love (double yuck) and basically saying “No, totally throw away your life and your future for a person you had meaningless sex with in high school” because high school romances matter more than your future, and everyone meets they true love in high school and fail. But it really thinks this is a good message, and a good meaning, and a good movie, so that makes it the worst.

  83. Chelsea  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 +1

    That Dune joke made my day.

  84. magrotila  |   Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 +2

    i am suggesting brazil, because i hate it a lot. i don’t think i need anymore reason than that.

  85. silvio  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 +1

    I know why you won’t do “Miracle at St. Anna”.. because if you did this whole thing would be over. It IS THE WORST movie of all time.

  86. The Chinatown scene is actually even more repulsive than Gabe’s words imply. First his initial attempts to rape her – and it clearly is rape – are soundtracked my the Master’s Let’s Get It On. Aaah how sweet – romantic rape. Then we get a shot of children watching the action. Then Statham’s character overcomes his wood problems by beating her and getting generally overly rough with her. Finally he takes a phone call… whilst raping her… in public… in front of children. And she is upset that he has stopped!

    Lovely – it’s so misogynistic that it makes Hugh Hefner look like a suffragette. Porn could not be more offensive.

  87. You need to review Love , Actually . because it’s shit , actually .

  88. Noah  |   Posted on Jul 2nd, 2009 0

    I just want to say how excited I am to read the August Rush review on Monday. Its on TV right now and I am shitting and vomiting simultaneously in disgust. Why am I putting myself through this? Because its gonna make Gabe’s piece that much more satisfying.

  89. I haven’t seen Crank but I saw the sequel…

    I hate myself for liking it, but it was amazing. It was so offensive that I ceased to be offended by anything after about 10 minutes. It made the leap from the realm of terrible movie to social commentary that is sounds like the original Crank just missed. My mouth just hung open in disbelief for an hour and a half. I honestly think it destroyed by brain. I actually wasn’t able to form coherent thoughts for 24 hours after seeing it. Whenever I think about it I just sputter in disbelief. In fairness though, I saw it directly after taking the SATs (because of how I am an adult) so that probably contributed significantly to the stunned effect.

    Also, this is the best review of a movie ever because it is captures exactly how watching Crank 2 feels. From The Stranger (Seattle’s version of The Village Voice)

  90. I haven’t seen Crank but I saw the sequel…

    I hate myself for liking it, but it was amazing. It was so offensive that I ceased to be offended by anything after about 10 minutes. It made the leap from the realm of terrible movie to social commentary that is sounds like the original Crank just missed. My mouth just hung open in disbelief for an hour and a half. I honestly think it destroyed by brain. I actually wasn’t able to form coherent thoughts for 24 hours after seeing it. Whenever I think about it I just sputter in disbelief. In fairness though, I saw it directly after taking the SATs (because of how I am an adult) so that probably contributed significantly to the stunned effect.

    Also, this is the best review of a movie ever because it is captures exactly how watching Crank 2 feels. From The Stranger (Seattle’s version of The Village Voice)

  91. the.ism  |   Posted on Jul 4th, 2009 0

    I edit video for a living and the way this film is cut is ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL! Both Crank and Crank: High Voltage, have the most fantastic quick-cut style that mixes assorted film stocks and video formats with Google Earth screen captures and 8-bit video game graphics. I’m not usually an action flick kinda guy, but this one was balls to the wall, non-stop lunacy that had me laughing and/or gasping the whole way through. Also, Crank has one of my all time favorite endings of any movie ever. If you haven’t seen these movies yet, don’t let the pretentious a-holes on this site rob you of a thoroughly exhilarating, entertaining ride.

  92. Iain  |   Posted on Jul 4th, 2009 -3

    I liked the ‘Finally…he takes a phone call!’ part there, as if that was the cherry on top of the rape sundae.

    If you take this film even remotely seriously, you need to get your head checked. It was clearly made with the intention of offending as many people as possible. Let’s turn to IMDB for some examples:

    Chev Chelios: I know what I’m going to have to do.
    Orlando: What’s that?
    Chev Chelios: I’m going to have to kick some black ass.

    Chev Chelios: Do you think I’ve got ‘cunt’ written on my forehead?
    ["Cunt" appears on his forehead as he asks]

    Chev Chelios: [during a fight with several Black gang members] Who wants white meat? Huh? Who wants it?

    And finally, the coup de grace of the ‘repulsive rape scene’:

    Eve: Take me now, in front of all these people!

  93. Andrew  |   Posted on Jul 5th, 2009 -1


  94. Justin  |   Posted on Jul 5th, 2009 +2

    after the ))<>(( reference, “you and me and everyone we know” needs to be nominated. what a terrible waste of film. (or digital storage, or whatever). it takes pedophilia to the next level. but it’s supposed to be beautiful.

  95. Er  |   Posted on Jul 5th, 2009 0

    Music & Lyrics

  96. mr. melee  |   Posted on Jul 6th, 2009 -2

    I nominate 28 Grams and Syriana.

  97. mr. melee  |   Posted on Jul 6th, 2009 -2

    I nominate 28 Grams and Syriana.

  98. Rachel  |   Posted on Jul 6th, 2009 +1

    I nominate Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, directed by Kenneth Branagh and Bram Stoker’s Dracula, directed by Francis Ford Coppola. The later won Academy Awards! Both try so hard to be artsy and cerebral that it’s almost painfully funny. Easily contenders for the title of TWMOAT.

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