Photos
Michael Bay opened his walk-in bomber jacket closet and looked at the endless racks of bomber jackets. “What’ll it be, Chief?” he said to himself. He picked out a dark bomber jacket with crackled leather and put it on. Michael Bay shook his head and shed the jacket, leaving it in a heap on the floor. He tried a nice sheepskin bomber jacket, coffee colored, fur collar. No. He threw it on top of the other. He did this with 10 other variations of bomber jacket before finally settling on what was really more of a motorcycle jacket. He would have to have Manuel be more careful. This jacket should really have been in the walk-in motorcycle jacket closet.
He moved to the walk-in sunglasses closet, but he did not spend much time in there. It contained hundreds, perhaps thousands of identical pairs of aviator shades. He picked out a pair and put them on, and he walked the fuck out.
He brushed his teeth with COCAINEPASTE.
Michael Bay drove his motorcycle down the stairs and into the breakfast nook and hopped off into a controlled roll. The bike continued on, smashing through the sliding doors, and rolling down the Beachwood deck until it plunged into the 20-person hot tub. Michael Bay cackled.
“THAT MOTORCYCLE IS GAY!” he shouted at the gay motorcycle. “BE A MAN!” he told the motorcycle. The motorcycle didn’t do anything. Michael Bay ate a bagel.
Michael Bay blew up his house.
Michael Bay had an important meeting about explosions. He got into his Ferrari and he drove it 100 miles per hour off a cliff and he died and his corpse got an erection. His corpse dragged itself to the battery with a pair of jumper cables and jolted itself back to life. Michael Bay dragged a hand through his slick hair and he gave the Angel of Death the finger, and the Angel of Death said “Your movies suck,” and Michael Bay said “What would you know about it?” and the Angel of Death put the back of his bony fingers under his chin, and flicked them at Michael Bay, the international sign of “fuck you” but Michael Bay was already gone. His meeting was at the Coffee Bean, and he was already a little late because of the whole dying thing.
Michael Bay drove his car into the front of the Coffee Bean, a bunch of people died. He did not bother resurrecting them. They weren’t him. They weren’t the center of the universe. A group of important people financing his latest film were sitting around a table drinking herbal teas and iced Frappucinos. Michael Bay slapped the cups out of all of their hands. “Put some nuts on it!” he said.
And he walked out of the Coffee Bean, peace sign flashing.
Meeting ADJOURNED!
 |
 |
I knew it. Michael Bay is An American Patriot.
I heard “Terminator 2: Put Some Nuts On It!” was the working title.
Or maybe Transformers 2. Big Movie Starring a Robot Made by McG and/or Michael Bay.
No high-octane penis explosion show-down between McG and Michael Bay in the Coffee Bean?
I want to read your story because I’m sure it has the potential to make me Lots of Love, but I find it difficult to concentrate when Zooey Deschanel’s various facial expressions are plastered all over my screen.
Um… various?
“Put some nuts on it” is the new “have fun at dinner!”
If I were Michael Bay, this would be the most erotic thing I had ever read in my entire life. Also, I would make a movie out of it.
Michael Bay can read?
Okay, okay, the most erotic thing I’d ever had read to me by my homuncular manservant.
“Michael Bay blew up his house.”
Best paragraph in human history? Only if it was written in explosions.
such a nice gif.. congratulations sir..
Minus point for no helicopter
Shouldn’t his walk-in sunglasses closet explode as he walks away from it putting on his sunglasses?
Also, after he called the motorcycle gay, the motorcycle should’ve done something embarrassingly effeminate.
“Controlled roll” was my favorite.
I’ve worked for Michael Bay. You’ve really captured his voice with, “That motorcycle is gay.”
‘ “What’ll it be, Chief?” he said to himself. ‘ Your stories should be taught at a collegiate level.
Not really apropos of this post but WHAAAAAAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE 500 DAYS OF SUMMER BACKGROUND?
Videogum? More like I-understand-we’re-in-a-recession-and-you-need-to-sell-ad-space-but-Jesus-fucking-Christ-this-page-is-now-scorching-my-god-damn-retinas-gum.
Obviously this movie is being marketed directly at “us” and that’s fine because I, for one, will never grow tired of Zooey collages.
Hey, is the movie being marketed directly at us? Because I wasn’t sure if it was being marketed directly at us since pictures of Zohi Dayshantel are plastered all over everything.
This is a TEST Comment
Salman Khan
Salman Khan
http://www.google.com/
your mom is a test comment.
ps gigantic had some very interesting elements, (zach galaifinakis mainly) but was not a great movie. however, it fullfilled my long time dream after seeing the also bad movie hitchhikers guide of seeing zooeys boobs. so even if 500 days is bad i will see it and like it. plus i think im gonna interview her so woohoo
Missing a slow motion shot of fighter jets against a sunset.
Actually, just missing slow motion in general.
COCAINEPASTE…hilarious!
Michael Bay’s
, you guys.