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Hollywood is out of ideas, yes. We know that. And so, in place of them, they simply strip-mine the past for anything even remotely marketable, they put in Frankie Muniz* or Cedric the Entertainer**, they get a new Pink song for the soundtrack, and boom: low to high millions. But at what cost, FAT CATS? At the cost of our CHERISHED MEMORIEZ! From the Hollywood Reporter:
Disney is readying another launch of sci-fi adventure movie “Flight of the Navigator.”
Brad Copeland is writing the remake, which is being produced by Mandeville partners David Hoberman and Todd Lieberman.
The 1986 original told the story of a 12-year-old boy who is abducted by an alien spacecraft in 1978 and reappears eight years later, still the same age and with no memory of what happened. NASA scientists discover a connection between the boy and a downed spacecraft and try to exploit the boy, who ultimately escapes with the ship and attempts to reunite with his family.
The movie grossed only $17 million when it was released but was later rediscovered on VHS, becoming a cult hit.
Toss it on the pile.
Seriously, is there anything even left at this point?
Between this, Karate Kid, Drop Dead Fred, and Footloose, JUST TO NAME A FEW, they’re actually running out of non-ideas to not have. Seriously, what is even left for them to FUCK IN THE FACE?
- Goonies
Obviously, I just scored 100 
points for even suggesting it. But what else? Surely there is something that you care about that is destined to be destroyed.
*Ed. Note: Is Frankie Muniz still the most popular child actor in the world? Probably, but should probably do an AskJeeves search just to be sure.
**Check on the box office reliability of Cedric the Entertainer while you are at it.
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….The Sandlot?
Clearly you haven’t seen The Sandlot 2. It’s literally the exact same plot, but there are girls now, and they lose a rocket (what?) over the fence instead of a ball. They even have the same “run from the big guard dog” chase scene. Also, it’s really bad.
Little Monsters. Hollywood is a bastard.
Do you remember that scene in Little Monsters where the main villain RIPS THAT KID’S HEAD OFF? I do and I always will. If they remade it, you can probably kiss that scene goodbye.
Little Monsters
I see a Teen Witch reboot in the near future.
TOP THAT!
I remember hearing that this was already in the works with one of the High School Musical girls in the lead. I am not going to look this up because no.
What about ‘The Worst Witch,’ with Mrs. Garrett, Tim Curry, and a young Fairuza Balk. That shit is a Halloween classic.
short circuit.
that, alongside flight of the navigator, was my favorite movie when i was seven or so.
Princess Bride.
.
explorers.
Is a saxophone-playing alien too sacred a cow for Hollywood?
I hate to say it, but Labyrinth might be next.
i thought the same thing. that would just be upsetting. along with the princess bride or the goonies. please, movie gods, don’t let it happen. ever.
Put Time Burton on it, Depp as the Goblin King, tie in with Hot Topic. Boom. Done. Cinema goldmine.
There’s actually a canon Japanese comic book sequel to the labyrinth, because I guess it was big in Japan (the video game was also Japanese-only) where Toby (the baby) is a teenager and he goes back to the Labyrinth because he’s in gay love with David Bowie. It’s called Return to the Labyrinth. I almost bought it on Amazon and then I realized I didn’t care enough.
Its like some uninspired movie exec visited his parent’s house over the holiday weekend and stumbled upon his childhood VHS tapes. Free ideas for the taking!
Also I know that cherished childhood memoriez are cliche, but I draw the freakin line at Goonies.
yeah, it’s collapsing into a sad ouroboros. in 10 years there will be annual remakes of the same five movies. oh, look, they’re ‘rebooting’ wizard of oz. yay!
Oh man, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM GOONIES YOU MONSTERS.
Others to be ruined (or at least that are unnecessary):
Labyrinth – probably with Kanye West or Clay Aiken or some fuck from American Idol as the Goblin King.
All the John Hughes Brat Pack movies – you know this is inevitable.
What’s next, Raging Bull 2? Hah hah hah hah hah that would never happen. Oh, wait…
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148205/
Apparently Scorsese is next to be fucked in the face.
three ninjas
1. Space Camp
2. Secret of NIMH
3. Fern Gully 2: Fern Gulliest
If they remake Space Camp I can not be held accountable for my actions.
effin’ Camp Nowhere. Sorry, but no one can replace Andrew Keegan.
you know it and I know it.
Nor can they replace the blonde that was a tad too pubescent for the rest of the boys. Wait, no. THAT they can replace.
No No No! Mudd was the cute one and Andrew Kegan was the hottie. Fuckin Christopher Lloyd and shit man.
The Peanut Butter Solution. The potential for Phizer tie-ins will prove far too tempting.
Pete’s Dragon. It was on the exact same VHS as our copy of Flight of the Navigator, so it is humanly impossible for me to separate the two in my mind.
I see two big ones on the horizon:
Multiplicity
and
Terminator: Salvation
Those will be the next big remakes.
so, i love multiplicity. michael keaton is my hero because of it. but a similar, not-quite-remake involving robert downey jr may peak my interests. consider it.
I’m still waiting on a Harry and the Hendersons remake.
I see some people are getting confused on Remake v Sequel.
Now, I would love to see a sequel to Flight of the Navigator because it would be horrible without destroying my childhood.
Additionally, I’m working on a 3 Men and a Baby remake starring Paul Rudd, Jack Black and Steve Guttenburg.
Well, they’re already making a sequel to Clueless.
They better not touch Neverending Story!
Too late. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1386664/
The Neverending Story
Newsies
E.T., (and if you count movies that already sort of bastardized themselves in sequels) the original Neverending Story and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
If Christopher Mintz-Plasse ends up in anything Ernest or Pee Wee related, I’m gonna
all over this place.
Any of the little-kid sports movies. Little Big League. Little Giants. Rookie of the Year. The Big Green. Space Jam…
Actually, no. I’d be fine if they remade Space Jam.
Pretty In Pink.
Webster!
“A Christmas Story” starring Cedric the Entertainer as the angry dad.
Also, instead of a Red Ryder BB gun, the kid accidentally finds a real gun in a dumpster.
Christmas morning killing spree = hilarity and $$$ for Disney.
Let’s see… Death Race 2000, Rollerball, Dawn of the Dead, Poseidon Adventure and Assault of Precinct 13 are all off the board.
I know!
Logan’s Run– http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0402344/Clash of the Titans– http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800320/…well shit… that leaves…
The Beast Master, featuring CGI ferrets and not even a hint of “brief nudity”.
You think Marc Singer is available for a cameo?
Troop Beverly Hills. Craig T. Nelson will play the same role.
they should have jenny lewis play Phyllis!!!
I like this idea. But instead of trying to turn them into Hollywood bimbos, Jenny Lewis would show all of the girls how to become the best manic pixie dream girls they can be.
They’re going through all of the 80′s until they deem the 90′s the next retro thing. Therefore I’m watching for Home Alone 4 and Man of the House.
3 ninjas!
The Office the movie. What?
The Wizard
The Pagemaster. Unless it was remade with Christopher Lloyd playing every single role.
Dark Crystal? With plenty of CGI.
Reading this made me shed a tear. I love The Flight of the Navigator, especially when Sarah Jessica Parker explains Twisted Sister to David. Oh yeah, and the fact that Pee-Wee Herman was the spaceship. Oh, and the aliens that were on board. Oh geez, I like this movie too much…
Back to the Future. You know it’s coming. I can totally picture Zac Efron looking perplexedly at his watch while standing next to a DeLorean. Although I guess it wouldn’t be a DeLorean. Mini Cooper? PT Cruiser? Smart Car? I have no idea what the kids/mad scientists are driving these days.
How sad am I to admit that I know this, but Zac Efron actually has his own DeLorean. That remake just got greenlit, I’m sure.
Baby’s Day Out 2: Full Bottle
Red Dawn
The Rescue
Rad
(I guess only watch movies that start with R)
They’re already remaking Red Dawn.
Mac and Me
I was going to say BttF, until I saw it mentioned already- I would cry a hearty bowl of tears over that. Speaking of MJF, Teen Wolf? With wife beaters and retractable CG claws of course…
It may be just a rumor since the article was a few years old, but I remembered hearing about a Goonies sequel a few years ago. After a little bit of searching, I found it. Here’s the link. My God its terrible.
http://www.aintitcool.com/?q=node/16484
“The new group is called the Groonies, because they happen to live in a town where [Data], the Chinese kid, lives … and he’s got an electronics repair shop and all the kids hang out at his shop. He has this Chinese accent and he calls the Goonies the Groonies, and so the new kids call themselves the Groonies, until they get into a situation where the old Goonies have to save the new Groonies, or vice versa.”
Tron – now with big government watching, or google, or apple (to teach us a lesson)
Gremlins – now with cloning gone wrong (to teach us a lesson)
Rad – now on Razer scooters, or dirt bikes, or in a rolllerball area (to teach us a lesson)
Big Trouble in Little China – starring Jackie Chan as the crazy asian guy, Keanu Reeves as Jack Burton, and Kim Cattrall as Kim Cattrall (to teach us a lesson)
I trow you know nothing about Tr2n. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Agreed. Know nothing of this abomination, TR2N. However, as a sequel, it doesn’t count/automatically is the worst/whatever. Needs a user.
beetlejuice? what if? jesus, i would just die…
oh my god, i would fucking KILL someone.
also, the cat from outer space.
Clue: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385861/
Fame: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1016075/
The Hobbit: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/
Monster Squad
They had better leave “Back To The Future” alone. I don’t even fucking KNOW actors’ names nowadays, but nobody can be Marty McFly except for Alex P. Keaton. Not to mention Jim Ignatowski as Doc.
Apparently you don’t know actors names 20 years ago either.
But I was trying to…it was a way of showing that I…sigh. You’re right. I totally thought that people in 80′s sitcoms had the same names in real life.
And I guess you didn’t get the admittedly lame joke I was making about your lame joke. Wanna go out for a malt sometime?
I legit thought “aww, but Cedric the Entertainer is dead, that’s harsh!” before remembering that he’s actually alive & well and Bernie Mac is dead. Keep on snarking, Gabe. RIP, Bernie Mac.
Ghostbusters. That would just be a huge crap all over my childhood memories. Of course Dan Aykroyd might do that before any else gets the chance, which would be worse…
hate to tell ya, but I heard this one is already on the way.
Stand By Me
There’s a remake of The Neverending Story in the works, because it hasn’t been ruined enough
Haven’t they already made a bunch of those? Also, I hated The Neverending Story in the first place because it was creepy as fuck.
I can’t wait for the remake of Up, coming out the year after Up.
Land Before Time
scream. with Aubry O’Day and Ray J
I bet that’s gonna happen. In like five years, I’ll be saying how Scream was the shit back in day, and there’s no need for a remake and everyone will say “Shut up, Grandma,” and I’ll tell them I’m only 30, to which they’ll respond, “You’re THAT old? Why haven’t we put you on an ice floe already?”
We’re Back: A Dinosaur’s Story
Baby: secret of the Lost Legend. With the little baby dinosaur!
the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
Star Kid
Carpool
Plan 9 From Outer Space
I honestly hope for a Punky Brewster reboot. How else will today’s children learn not to hide in abandoned refrigerators?
Also Jem.
The only way I’m going to be remotely ok with any of these remakes is if JJ Abrams write/directs them.
The Last Star Fighter
The Peanut Butter Solution, The Witches, Solar Babies, Harry and the Hendersons, The Last Unicorn, The Wizard, The Manhatten Project, War Games, The Breakfast Club, 3 O’Clock High, Licence to Drive, Etc…
TRON…
It’s pretty obvious they will do a Leaving Las Vegas reboot soon. That franchise is so stale right now. I see McG directing and Jason Statham in the starring role.
As much as I love the Last Starfighter, i think it could benefit greatly from a remake. I watched it a few weeks ago and……..came to conclusion.
Pushing Tin so needs to be redone. The kids needs to learn.
one of my best friends is actually working on the fame remake
“Bad Lieutenant”. Oh but wait:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxB0yXfpQZ8&feature=player_embedded
No one has mentioned, thank god, redoing the Time Bandits. Which one would be horrible, and two would be awesome.
RED DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOO! Not a Clueless remake!!
gleaming the cube, brahs.
ferris bueller’s day off
RoboJox
My girl. easy one.
THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION
Stand by Me and Howard the Duck
There ya go hollywood, I dare you
Pippy Longstocking!
No one better DARE touch the Hughes films. Them are sacred.
I can see a “Fast Times” remake, though. You know, now with musical numbers including, “Aloha, Mr. Hand”, “Tasty Waves and a Cool Buzz”, and “Hope You Had A Hell of a Piss, Arnold”.
If they green light a Breakfast Club redux; I’ll drop my pitchfork long enough to help you light your torch on our way to Hollywood.
Lucas
Twins
Mr Mom
Adventures In Babysitting
Summer School
Revenge of the Nerds
Big
Here’s hoping they DO NOT remake anything that had Steve McQueen or Clint Eastwood in it!
Disturbia was okay, but ripped off of that Hitchcock movie I can’t name right now. Something Window, with a guy in a wheel chair who found out his neighbor was a killer.
D.A.R.Y.L.
and The Breakfast Club: The Twilight Version
I’ve got it:
Uncle Buck. With Kevin James as Uncle Buck.