When I was in high school and college (that’s right, college!) I often imagined taking my 200 dollars out of the bank (that’s right, 200 dollars!) or whatever, and disappearing. There is a romantic notion to cutting ties with everyone you know, and everything that you have been, and blazing a new trail. I’m not showing off. I know that having felt this way doesn’t make me unique or cool or rebellious. It makes me have been someone who was in high school and college, whose head was filled with high school and college thoughts. Because that’s what that is. It’s childish. As you learn in GRADUATE SCHOOL, you can’t escape who you are. And a lot of the desire for totally abandoning your life can be appeased with a one week vacation. After a few days you’re pretty ready to be back in your own apartment with all of your stuff. It’s like they always say, traveling is like houseguests which are like fish: they mostly stink. You know that old expression.

The point is: someone should have told Wong Kar Wai that instead of making My Blueberry Nights, he could have just taken a road trip and saved us all the trouble.

My Blueberry Nights is about Norah Jones’s boyfriend cheating on her with another woman by eating pork chops at Jude Law’s heartbreakingly cute New York diner. Norah Jones is sad and keeps going back to the diner every night when it is closing and bothering Jude Law while he’s just trying to mop the floors after a long day of working at a stove. But he doesn’t seem to mind, and a lot of times they eat pie. Then Norah Jones decides to leave New York and she goes to Memphis where she gets a job working at a slightly less heartbreakingly cute but still charming in its own way diner, and then at night she gets a job working at a honky tonk bar, and all the time she is sending Jude Law postcards about her adventures. While she is in Memphis she meets David Straithairn who is an alcoholic police officer angry about his wife, Rachel Weisz, leaving him. Norah Jones tells him that she is saving up for a car, and he gives her a very nice tip. Later, he drives his truck into a telephone pole and everyone learns a pretty important lesson about life and love. So Norah Jones leaves Memphis and goes to Nevada where she gets a job as a cocktail waitress in a backwater casino, and that is where she meets Natalie Portman, who is a sass-talking poker player down on her luck. Meanwhile, Jude Law enjoys reading her postcards. Natalie Portman asks Norah Jones to borrow 2,000 dollars, because of how that’s a thing that people do, to buy her back into a poker game, and promises to repay her and split the winnings if she wins, but if she loses, Norah Jones gets to keep her brand new Jaguar, because that is a thing that people offer in exchange for 2,000 dollars. She loses the poker game and gives Norah Jones the car but says she has to drive her to Las Vegas and on the way they become friends, sure, but then when they get there it turns out that Natalie Portman’s dad has just died and everyone learns a pretty important lesson about family and love and death and Jaguars. Natalie Portman won’t give Norah Jones the car like she promised, because it belonged to her dad, but it turns out that she wont the poker game and had lied about it so that she would have some company for the trip to Las Vegas and explains that you should never trust anybody, but Norah Jones says you should trust some people, and I think they both learned a pretty important lesson about people and trusting sometimes but not always maybe. Norah Jones buys a Buick, drives back to New York, eats some pie with Jude Law, promptly passes out, he starts kissing her while she’s asleep because that’s not a total creep move, and then they are both kissing, and pie, and the end.

I actually tried to watch My Blueberry Nights once before, when it first came out on DVD. I really like Wong Kar Wai. He is really good at making movies. In the Mood for Love is great, and Happy Together is great, and of course Chungking Express is great. But the first time I tried to watch this movie I turned it off within the first 10 minutes, because of this scene:

The thing is, My Blueberry Nights isn’t the worst movie of all time. It just might have been better as a few sentences drawn with a sharpie on a pair of Larry King’s jeans. All of this false poetry and empty wisdom and heavy-handed metaphors about keys and pies (which run through the rest of the narrative, btw). Who wrote this movie, Terrence Howard?

Obviously, it is always difficult to create a moving and not-laughable exploration of “love,” so I can only imagine that creating that exploration in a foreign language with non-professional actors is that much harder. I’m not a big fan of Norah Jones’s music, but compared to her acting I AM A SUPERFAN. Then again, even Jude Law is pretty bad in this, which suggests that the language and cultural barriers were very real and very problematic. Not that they should change the Oscars to the Jude Lawscers, but just that he’s a professional actor who has carried his own in plenty of movies. At the very least, if he is not good, he is acceptable. He can do his job. But here, he’s all grins and fake “romantic” laughs and knowing looks because the director had his translator say “your motivation is knowing looks.” All of the actors seem to be trying to do their best with what they were given to mixed/tonedeaf results. Rachel Weisz is mostly forgettable as David Straithairn’s estranged wife, and David Straithairn does a just OK job as a cuckolded alcoholic. “Get me Jason Bourne! I mean a cab! Get me a cab!” Natalie Portman’s brassy gambler is pretty convincing for what it’s worth, although she’s a little too pretty to actually seem like a strung out woman incapable of facing up to reality. More like a beautiful actress pretending to be a strung out woman incapable of facing up to a thinly drawn reality. Everyone seems like they’re reading a dramatic monologue at an audition for Wong Kar Wai’s My Blueberry Community Theater Productions.

The best actor in the whole movie is actually Cat Power, who makes a surprise (to me at least) cameo. What a dreamboat!

Once she wanted to be The Greatest*, and now she is. But even here, her character is supposed to be Russian? Why? Add it to the why pile.

The rest of the movie after the fateful BLUEBERRY PIE POETRY SLAM feels like Rochelle, Rochelle without the nudity. When Norah Jones returns to New York to get lip-raped by Jude Law, she explains that she was going to come into the diner on the night she left the city, but she didn’t because she knew that if she did she would just be the same old person she had always been, and she didn’t want to be that person anymore. Fair enough. Except that I’m not convinced working shit service industry jobs while you try to save up for a used Buick is the way to self-actualization and romantic enlightenment. I’m pretty sure that is how people end up driving their cars into telephone poles.

Perhaps the worst thing about this movie is my fear that if I actually spoke Cantonese I would find Wong Kar Wai’s non-English movies as trite and dull and adolescent as this. But I am just going to assume that’s not the case. The problem with writing a love letter to a country that isn’t your own is that you forget that all of the things that you find magically foreign and inspiring to you have been the stuff of postcards and car commercials and tacky truck stop t-shirts for years. Forget it, Wong, It’s Americatown.

*Actually, Cat Power’s “The Greatest” was the leitmotif for Jude Law and Norah Jones’s romance, which I thought was a delightfully loud slap in Norah Jones’s face.

Next week: I will be taking one blessed weekend off for the Memorial Day holiday. WILL YOU ALLOW ME THAT MUCH, YOU MONSTERS? But in two weeks: Max Payne. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (99)
  1. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +1

    It’s gotta be the language/cultural barriers! That’s why this movie didn’t work. I appreciate the advice to never learn Cantonese because wong kar wai’s films are amazing. This one, his first video-based effort isn’t up to snuff, but with whimsical love stories, I think you must forget the WHY PILE. save the why pile for films like BALLISTIC… WKWai deserves a little slack; not a Worst Movie nomination. The great characters in CHUNGKING EXPRESS wouldn’t stand up to an analysis of rational behavior either…

  2. RunBMC  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +9

    I watched that scene, wondering what specifically about it made Gabe stop – and was confounded. Nothing terribly terrible was done or said, it was a little bit too artily shot and edited (but not offensively), and neither actor seemed egregiously stiff or awkward.
    Then came the sexy melting ice cream spoojing all over the blueberry pie!

    Thank you Gabe.

    • It was worse before that. The entire scene sucks but specifically it is the pie. They try to make it some message about life that the other pies get eaten and the Blueberry Pie doesn’t and they can’t because it is a Pie.

      All these types of movies do it like in August Rush (nominate please) where it’s all about his songs that make everyone make the same face a person would if they were crapping their pants in public and shamefully enjoying the warmth or in Zach Braff movies where it’s the soundtrack. You can’t condense life down to these things because they don’t truly matter.

      I don’t remember where I read this (it was either a Gabe Hunt post or a Cracked article) but this one article said that all these movies have a moment where somebody says something to the effect of “You need to listen to this indie band’s album. It’ll change your life” except it won’t unless your life is pointless. That describes my problem and I think the major problem of these movies. Life isn’t about Blueberry Pies or the Sonic Youth and you can’t condense it down to those things unless you’re stupid.

      • Adam  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +25

        I dunno… Sonic Youth is pretty awesome.

      • ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 -2

        Yeah, art is fuckin stupid right?

      • ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 -14

        Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

      • “The Sonic Youth”

      • I think I’ve been ugly to you in the past (sorry, probably!), but I’m feelin’ everything you just said. My soul is making out with yours while you sleep.

        But srsly, “< b>the Sonic Youth” was *clap clap clap*, I mean I happen to like Sonic Youth due to my old age, but I can easily see myself putting a “the” in front of the Sonic Youth. And I’ve watched one too many movies bc the trailer had some track that crossed wires and made me feel funny.

      • It turns out that “listen to this band” thing I was referring to was A Pretty Good Kisser’s post on the One Year Anniversary of The Juno Backlash story. It is the 35th (or close) post here:

        All credit for that bit to him.

        P.S. I referenced the Sonic Youth because for some reason I remember Rezpect’s post (#43?) where he described the scene in Juno where Juno tells Jason Bateman’s character that the Sonic Youth suck. I guess I thought that related to the “listen to this band” thing for some reason.

      • In a half-baked attempt to un-win my d-bag merit badge, I will say that I actually kind of agree with you about your Sonic Youth point. Even though I liked Garden State when it came out (because at the time didn’t it seem like we should like it?), I think even then I hated that part where Zach Braff vis-a-vis Natalie Portman’s character says that the Shins “will change your life.” Mainly because What? But also because I thought it was sad that Zach Braff, as the writer of the screenplay, thought the Shins were the kind of band that were capable of changing anyone’s life. Because in the pantheon of Bands That Have Changed People’s Lives, it goes like this: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, U2, Nirvana, Radiohead, The Shins. Duh.

      • I liked the pie metaphor.

      • Napoleon Complex  |   Posted on Jun 25th, 2009 +1

        Oh, those young whippersnappers. Always listening to “The Sonic Youth” and eating blueberry pie…

  3. Bobby  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 0

    Going to have to suggest Against All Odds starring Jeff Bridges. Screaming for an analysis. God is it bad, and not as sexy as one remembers.

    • courtney  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 0

      But there is a worse film starring Jeff Bridges called ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’ You’ll understand when you see it and say WTF Jeff Bridges?!

      • “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People” wasn’t amazing, but it definitely does not qualify for WMOAT. Megan Fox might qualify for Worst Actress of All Time, but that’s not what we’re doing here.

  4. Kind of amazing how Natalie Portman survives all of these really bad movies. She’s been in some good ones, but the bad ones seem to be terrible.

    After seeing it this weekend, I nominate A Civil Action. The most climactic parts are closeups of John Travolta thinking, and closeups of water. Courtroom drama failure.

  5. Selena  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +7

    HA, HA, HA, MAX PAYNE!!!! Screaming Valkyries!!!!! Buy your eyes some roses and chocolate, so that they don’t try to leave you. I Don’t think it’s the worst though- absurd and terrible- yes, but not the worst.

  6. Have fun at dinner.

  7. When I saw this movie, I thought it was like a very, very long Norah Jones song: dull, kind of pretty in places, and brought to you by the makers of Nytol.

  8. Laura  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +9

    it sucked because Tony Leung wasn’t in it. he’s a great actor, I’ve loved him in all of Wong Kar Wai’s movies.

  9. Ben (waiting for the perfect GIF)  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +12

    Yeah, I’m out of the loop on this one. Looking forward to Max Payne though. I remember I read an amazing quote of his from an interview about the movie
    (FOUND IT)…-

    “There was that ‘Mario Bros.’ movie. Remember it?” he says, referring to the critically mauled 1993 film starring Bob Hoskins. “I just thought it didn’t go anywhere. Like, you can only blow up enough cars and places, have enough special effects. That’s not necessarily a plot. But we’ve got a plot. And also it’s so topical and real ’cause it’s about drugs, which is a huge problem in our society.”

    Remember when Max Payne became part of the national dialogue on drugs? I think he also mentions in the interview that he doesn’t play video games himself but he had his assistant play it. So, fine, I don’t care if you research your role because its not like there was much meat to the character to begin with, but having your assistant play a video game for you is douchetasticly weird.

  10. Ok so about the shot at the end of that clip…was the pie a metaphor for vagina?

  11. Chickenwire  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +4

    Its obvious, but Matrix Revolutions. Huge robot exoskeletons with miniguns, but they don’t even have some chickenwire to protect there upper bodies, making it so anybody with some aim and a high powered pellet gun could take them out.

  12. pod  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +14

    i wrote a movie about two frogs in love on the moon with both frogs just smiling at each other with little thought bubbles that say things like ‘far out!’ and ‘i like things’ and ‘isn’t being in love on the moon great?’ and it’s way better than this pile of shit movie.

  13. Holy shit, are there more outtakes of Waiting for Guffman? That was so good.

  14. Brett  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +2

    Of course this movie isn’t The Worst, because 88 Minutes is The Worst. Duh.

  15. dill pickle  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +30

    if he always has one blueberry pie left over then why keep making it every single day!

    • Ben  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +5

      In all seriousness, I think it was assumed he makes a new one everyday, y’know cos you can’t sell stale pie. Of course he could keep it in the fridge or something, but when that one guy walks in, and he wants some blueberry pie, and he know, he’s the ONE for your blueberry pie, it has to be just perfect! (abstinence metaphor FTW)

  16. I don’t know what made this think of it, but Taking Lives was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

  17. asafnn  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +5

    The worst thing for me was that this is a director I really like and respect, so I couldn’t let myself just up and leave in the middle of the movie. I forced myself to watch it all. It was like eating your little sister’s horrible horrible cooking just so you don’t offend her, but with some director who’s name I can’t even spell. God that was bad.

  18. “You still have those keys to those doors?” Cantonese literal translation: “Let’s have sex for old time’s sake. I like sex!”

  19. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it… maybe 3 other times:


  20. Chan Marshall could make a cameo in the phonebook and I would love it. I think the only movie that wouldn’t benefit from her presence is THE SEX AND THE CITY MOVIE because it is categorically the WORST NO MATTER WHAT. It makes me want to relinquish my current existence and move to a distant town to work in the service industry and dream of one day purchasing a Buick, as long as no one in that town had ever heard of the Sex and the City Movie. I have never wanted to Eternal Sunshine something out of my memory more than that “movie”.

    • Napoleon Complex  |   Posted on Jun 25th, 2009 +1

      If the Sex & The City movie is your worst memory, you’ve lived a pretty charmed life. Be thankful.

  21. This is definitely not the worst movie ever made, but it felt flat to me. It was contrived and cliched in every way. As the main heartthrob, Jude Law didn’t shine in any way, and I’m a big fan of that man! I came home and watched Alfie and I was more in love with him than this movie.

    The half memorable/likable thing was the ice cream melting on the pie scene and the final kiss. That’s about it.

    I don’t get what’s the deal with the praise to Cat Power. When it came out critics mentioned it as well, but it was your average unmemorable performance. Guess people were expecting worse, or maybe compared her to Norah Jones. In that case, she deserved an Oscar nod.

    Also, I sneaked a blueberry Special K bar into the movie theater and ate it. I’m wild y’all!

  22. JD  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +3

    The other day I drunkenly posted a list of terrible, hunt-worthy rom-coms, it was reallly a terrible waste of time but what the hell, the previous two posts make me want to post it again with some additions. Note: some of these have actually been covered, but they are so terrible they warrant a drunken mentioning again.

    Simply Irresistible, Summer Catch, 27 Dresses, Boys and Girls, The Wedding Planner, Fool’s Gold, Made of Honor, Maid in Manhattan, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Monster-In-Law, Down to You, Just My Luck, Failure to Launch, Fools Rush In, Over Her Dead Body, Because I Said So, Forces of Nature, License to Wed, Sweet November, Must Love Dogs,
    Little Black Book, Runaway Bride, Raising Helen, Elizabethtown, Green Card, The Family Stone, Sweet Home Alabama, Someone Like You, PS I Love You, A Cinderella Story, Rumor Has It, The Perfect Man, Material Girls, 50 First Dates, Picture Perfect, Kate and Leopold, The Lake House, Serendipity, Just Married, Alex and Emma, Catch and Release, Three to Tango, French Kiss, Loser, The Sweetest Thing, Good Luck Chuck, My Boss’s Daughter, Love and Sex, The Wedding Date, The Last Kiss, Laws of Attraction, What Happens in Vegas, Bride Wars, A Lot Like Love, Sex and the City, Uptown Girls…

    Yes, I realize that I am one sad individual for remembering all these/wasting my time with this, but drinking helps.

    • I really like nine of those (one man’s trash…)

      • JD  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 0

        You know, I definitely went overboard. I’m sure a few are downright great in comparison to some of the others.

    • Lynn  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 +6

      I will agree to every movie on that list that I have seen with one exception – French Kiss. I won’t say that it is a good movie but my love of Kevin Kline and the beatiful scenery puts it in a different category for me. In my opinion, Maid in Manhattan, Kate and Leopold and the Wedding Planner are particularly bad of the ones that I have had the misfortune to sit through. .

    • Those are all terrible, except I have to say I was impressed with Catch And Release. It wasn’t the kind of movie I’d buy or anything, but I saw it on a date and thought, “huh… they’re actually dealing with real issues in a fairly mature way,” which we all know is highly unusual for your average chick flick.

    • I liked a lot of those. But I did just see Failure To Launch, and it was not just bad but also just really weird and made no sense. I guess it’s due to being adapted from a French movie, and maybe in France non-sequitor animal-attack slapstick sequences don’t seem so out of place. I actually kind of liked it just because it was so strange.

    • Selena  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 0

      Dear JD, you have an addiction to horrible chick flicks. You need help. Also, you forgot Sisterhood of the Traveling pants I and II…..

    • JD  |   Posted on May 21st, 2009 +1

      Guys, catching up on my dvr backlog, I think I discovered two movies worse than any of the ones I posted:

      I give you Rob Zombie’s Halloween and Southland Tales.

      I know Gabe did Southland Tales already, but seriously… motherfuck that movie! It is SO bad that it warrants mentioning again. Seriously, the hunt should have ended there. I never thought I’d wish ill will on somebody who wasn’t a rapist or a murderer, but between Southland and Domino it looks like Richard Kelly might join those ranks.

  23. Pyramid Head  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 -16

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • jimh  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 -1

      pretty sure it falls into the intentionally bad category

      • Disagree, it felt incredibly sincere, but definitely not in a very effective way…for instance, I’m sure the DVD release party must have been awkward for everyone involved.

    • be kind rewind  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 -3

      Well, I agree with you, even if 8 other people don’t. It seemed like such a promising concept and I like a lot of the people involved with it, but it was horribly dull and the repetive dialogue was really irritating. I didn’t bother watching the whole thing. Just disappointing since the previews made it look great.

  24. Sigh…. My beloved WKW–I was SO looking forward to this film, as I really regard him as a still great living director. But a misstep. As soon as I saw Norah Jones in a LEAD role, I knew it was going to sink.

    And Natalie Portman’s greatest role was SNL. Nooooooooooo! Not a fan.

    Gabe, I think truly great films transcend language barriers. 8 1/2 and the like work without perfect, articulate translations because there is so much else to be caught up in. I think WKW’s great films are perhaps even more intoxicating to the outsider, as we take in more of the incredible visuals and his unique touches of color, camera angles, fish eye lenses and slow motion shots. The dialog is just fine in his ‘regular’ films, but I find it mostly useful in decoding terms. If that makes sense.

    That being said: Blueberry Nights was the first film where he wasn’t working with his usual trusted director of photography/cinematographer. It shows.

    • That One  |   Posted on May 18th, 2009 0

      What a great post, but I need to disagree on your last point. Of course Chris Doyle gets some mind-bendingly gorgeous imagages, and he has such an eye for character-related composition, but his absence is by far the least of this film’s problems. To be redundant of the Hitch, a great film needs a great script, and this one was a wandering turd. The WMAOT? Hardly, but it’s an epic failure from an auteur who doesn’t have a clue about Western culture, and decided to tackle it head on.

      • That One  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 0

        *images*, of course. I voted myself down for that one.

      • I completely agree about the script comment! I think that sentiment was meant to be implied, but I omitted it entirely. Ha. Beautiful images don’t add up to a whole–Aronofsky’s “The Fountain” is that way for me. In both that movie’s case and this one, they had great directors lacking the solid script. Very easy to go to poop without the essential, well-thought out story.

        So yes–liked your insights. :)

  25. Do these people not understand the concept of a locksmith?

  26. I’ve got to say Jumper should be in the running for the Worst Movie Of All Time…but yeah, Max Payne’s going to be up there

  27. suitth5  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +8

    I think that same exact pie metaphor was used in “Waitress”, starring the beautiful Keri Russell. In it, she was a talented pie maker who found meaning in the different pies she concocted.

    Also, I really wish singers didn’t cross into acting unless he or she has true talent. Madonna, J.Lo, Gavin Rossdale, and now Norah Jones – why are you all so terrible at acting?

    Finally, I nominate “the Postman” with Kevin Costner and Will Patton with a cameo by Tom Petty as himself. It is just the worst.

    If “the Postman” doesn’t do it for you, then my fallback is “Wild Wild West” with Will Smith, Kevin Klein, and Salma Hayek. It doesn’t get much worse than that.

    • I second The Postman. What happened to Kevin Costner after The Untouchables? He makes a good movie like that that gets him recognition and then he has to start doing stuff like Pay it Forward and The Untouchables that have to repeatedly hit you with their “subtle” messages.

      On Wild Wild West: This is a guilty pleasure to me. While I’ll never stop reminding people that Will Smith peaked when he rapped while wearing a sideways baseball hat and became The Worst after that I still like Wild Wild West. Not because of him, Kline, or even Hayek’s boobies (though they never did anything wrong) but because of Loveless. Man, that guy is a badass. The entire movie should have been about him riding around his gigantic robot spider shooting the shit out of whatever while Hayek jump-roped in the background. Oscar earned!

    • what is a postman mommy?  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +3

      The Postman must be reviewed. It is a heartbreaking work of staggering ineptitude but offers a lot of lolz. All I need to say is this: It begins with Kevin Costner travelling from town to town in post-apocalyptic America making a living acting out scenes from Shakespeare opposite his horse. Yes.

  28. Audrey  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 -4

    Can you do The Happening? That movie was terrible.

  29. dale  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +5

    Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow has a scene where Gwyneth Paltrow runs around dodging giant robots, and has Jude Law flying a plane into the water because his plane is also a submarine, and has dinosaurs, and has Angelina Jolie wearing a lot of clothing, and has cows with parachutes. Can we get this done please?

    • Actually, when you put it like that, Sky Captain sounds freakin’ awesome.

      But instead it is incredibly lousy, and more importantly, more boring than a dog’s ass.

  30. oh.  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +2

    Shape of Things.

  31. Say, can we move past the awfulness of everything, and actually start exploring movies that were surprisingly good? What about a new thread exploring Sleepers? (not Sleepers, the Stephen King movie from the ’90s, though. That was a WMOAT if I ever saw one.)

  32. Yeah this movie looks like total garbage, but I can tell that it?s from that not-so-long-gone-era when Jude Law still looked hot. *Sigh* I wish that was worth something, but ,sadly no.

  33. Lets be really cruel and make you watch From Justin to Kelly.

    other suggestions
    You have yet to do a Uwe Boll film, House of the Dead, Alone is the Dark are pretty awful

    How bout Son of the Mask?

  34. anonymoose  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +1

    this movie KILLED me because Wong Kar Wai has made all my favorite movies (everytime i hear Xavier Cugat’s version of Perfidia or hear the first strains of the soundtrack to 2046 i get all bleary eyed). I really REALLY wanted to like this. i thought the title was dreamy and eventhough i don’t care for Norah Jones- she’s a pretty girl (but she’s no Maggie Cheung!) I thought it had a chance. But ugh…it was so convoluted and trite and silly. Wong Kar Wai makes movies that aren’t exactly always believable, but this was ridiculous. I don’t know. It just made me really sad. In a not good way. I miss high-collared women and dapper gentlemen smoking and crying in the rain. America as a metaphor for whatever is overdone. Especially by non-Americans. The Lady From Shanghai should do better…

  35. Krista  |   Posted on May 19th, 2009 +12

    Oohh, I think we have a new Double Dare. Gabe has to go to an establishment (preferably a diner) that is closing up, stand there awkwardly, and tell the employee that he just needs to talk. If allowed in, he must get inordinately offended by tiny things like pies being left over or keys being in a jar. You’re welcome, Lindsay!

  36. There’s some oddly sexual pie footage (wha?) at the end of that first clip…if you can sit through the two minutes…but why you would sit through anything for oddly sexual pie footage is a mystery to me, so I’ll shut up now.

  37. JD  |   Posted on May 20th, 2009 +2

    Wait, I just realized something. Isn’t My Blueberry Nights technically an arthouse movie? I thought those weren’t allowed.

    In that case, I nominate Gummo. And Gus Van Sant’s Gerry and Last Days.

    And any of Larry Clark’s pedophile movies.

  38. abby  |   Posted on May 20th, 2009 +1

    Can I just point out that Jude Law’s blueberry pie in that first clip is significantly larger than the pastry case pie he offered Norah Jones? And also that Jude’s blueberry pie LOOKS NOTHING LIKE BLUEBERRY PIE. That was probably the first thing that put me off about this movie. It was so awful that I made my roommate watch it to make sure I wasn’t just completely insane and missing something. I wasn’t. We hated it in equal measure.

  39. abby  |   Posted on May 20th, 2009 0

    Can I just point out that Jude Law’s blueberry pie in that first clip is significantly larger than the pastry case pie he offered Norah Jones? And also that Jude’s blueberry pie LOOKS NOTHING LIKE BLUEBERRY PIE. That was probably the first thing that put me off about this movie. It was so awful that I made my roommate watch it to make sure I wasn’t just completely insane and missing something. I wasn’t. We hated it in equal measure.

  40. telmovera  |   Posted on May 20th, 2009 0

    I think you shouldn’t make “Max Payne”.
    Are we on videogames movies now?
    Make another rule. Or make Street Fighter.

    • If he doesn’t make a rule of “No Videogame Movies” then I second Street Fighter. Although I second Legend of Chun-Li over the JCVD movie. The JCVD movie is bad but it’s too cheesily awesome to be a worst movie of all time. Raul Julia is the man in it. He knows he’s in a bad movie and turns in a cheesily fun performance that along with JCVD’s mispronunciation makes the movie too funny.

      This is in direct contrast to Legend Of Chun-Li which is awful. Despite focusing on a select few characters (Chun-Li probably has the richest story in the SF franchise) they still screwed up all the details, didn’t bother hiring any actual fighters for the parts, and aside from Chris Kline’s hilariously bad performance it isn’t fun to watch.

      Gabe, if you want to save yourself a lot of pain you’ll take telmovera’s advice. Otherwise, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

  41. So does he throw away entire chunks of perfectly good food very single fricking blueberry night?

  42. Toshtastic  |   Posted on May 22nd, 2009 0

    Oh….the horrible-ness of these movies!!! I agree that Jumper should be done. The ending? Are you kidding me? It just felt like they didn’t know how to end the infinite back and forth, and went, um….end! Oh, and Cabin Fever. Can I nominate that? I was a teen when I watched that and was embarrassed at the kinds of things in the movie that they thought I would relate to/enjoy.

  43. Toshtastic  |   Posted on May 22nd, 2009 0

    Oh….the horrible-ness of these movies!!! I agree that Jumper should be done. The ending? Are you kidding me? It just felt like they didn’t know how to end the infinite back and forth, and went, um….end! Oh, and Cabin Fever. Can I nominate that? I was a teen when I watched that and was embarrassed at the kinds of things in the movie that they thought I would relate to/enjoy.


  45. simonsays  |   Posted on May 22nd, 2009 0

    thats not how you eat pie!

  46. Color of Night  |   Posted on May 22nd, 2009 0

    We always have leftover COLOR OF NIGHT (1994)
    There’s nothing wrong with it, ‘cept than it’s the absolute WMOAT

  47. this movie is so beautiful to look at, I think I’m going to watch it again. maybe with the sound off. just like a certain other genre of cinema with pretty images I jerk-off to. porn.

  48. PRACTICAL MAGIC!!!!11!!!!

    It was just on the ABC Family Channel (?). It was awesomely bad.

  49. cheddar  |   Posted on May 24th, 2009 0

    Actually the plot and cast seem pormising, up until the sleep-kiss-rape thing. Cause that’s how every girl dreams of bring woken up: with someone’s tongue down her throat. “Hey, that was NOT there when I fell asleep!” But then again, Jude Law has alsways come off as kind of pervy, so I am not suprised in the least. I bet that wasn’t even in the script. He just told Norah Jones that the director had wanted them to do it, and no one was the wiser.

  50. ol dirty bus stop  |   Posted on May 27th, 2009 0

    where the fuck is Jude Law’s accent supposed to be in this? I doubt very much that Wong Kar Wai asked him to mash up a Lancashire/Yorkshire/Berkshire/Cockney/RP atrocity. That dogshit decision is all on Law’s weedy shoulders.

  51. lalala  |   Posted on Jun 1st, 2009 0

    Australia. Worst. Movie. Ever. Fails on every level, it uses the tired “magic negro” trope from The Green Mile and Bagger Vance and too many other movies, it feels like 3 very different (and bad) movies crammed into one craptacular one, and for some reason relies upon the Japanese staging an invasion of an orphanage.

  52. Fucking A! I had forgotten all about this pathetic turd of a film – but now it is all rushing back to me. Wtf was Portman’s accent all about? And why did Rachael Weise seem so bored? And why is Jude Law still allowed to make films, when he has all the talent and charisma of a regurgetated kebab. Urgh. Just a load of pointless, self indulgent waffle.

  53. ..actually they all had ridiculous accents – they strutted around the sceen flaunting them like massive fake moustaches. Oh the horror

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