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Serena’s new boyfriend Gabriel pulled a classic grift (what con artists call the Internet in Africa Oopsie Daisy) and got all of the money. If only Serena had listened to Chuck and Blair’s creepy and vague suggestions that something just wasn’t right about him. Now she has to figure out how to get everyone’s money back before they find out that they got DUP’D. Obviously. A classic teenage dilemma. “I hope mom doesn’t find out about the multi-hundred-thousand-dollar swindle that I helped lure them all into. Maybe I’ll just light some incense. That ought to cover it.” Naturally, Serena calls Gabriel and tells him that she thinks she’s pregnant. PROBLEM SOLVED. One thing that con artists are always doing is instantly believing everything that anyone says to them in a voicemail message. Chuck is like, “you guys are amateurs, and you ruined my pants. Let me take over this operation.” Meanwhile, Dan discovers that his dad got straight CONN’D out of his college money (what college money?) and everyone discovers that Georgina is back.
I challenge you to a game of cat and mouse shoes. A GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE SHOES!
Gabriel does believe Serena’s pregnancy vm because he’s a master criminal.
They meet over tea and scones or something, and that is when Chuck Bass springs his trap! “You are not leaving my hotel until you pay back all of the money, and you ruined my pants.” Man, Gabriel. What a pro. He can just walk into a room and instantly not know where any of the exits are. He explains that Poppy Lifton and he were just playing rich. A FAUXIALITE! After they started tricking investors to give them money to pay for their FAUXIALITE balls, they began needing new investors in order to pay off the old investors. If you had to draw a structure for their plan, you might end up with a pyramid! Or a drawing of Bernie Madoff’s face! Now Poppy has even schemed Gabriel, stealing all of the money for herself. And Gabriel really did love Freckles Serena, he says, and Serena makes her best acting! face to show how touched she is. But too little too late, Roy Dillon. If you liked it then you should have put a not ripping off her entire family and all of her family’s friends on it.
Dan, meanwhile, goes crying to Lily about what happened.
So now Lily a) wants Serena to stop with the Harriet the Spy* shit, and b) decides that she is going to pay off all of the bad investments herself and just tell everyone that the deal fell through, but in the case of Rufus she is going to secretly pretend like the deal is going great and send him “dividends” every month, which sounds like just a masterful plan. Basically the best plan.
Eventually, Serena decides that her mom can’t tell her what to do. It’s every parent’s nightmare: the day your kids realize that your power over them is illusory and that they’re completely free to stage undercover sting operations at the Russian Tea Room in order to bring down a felon. Meanwhile, Nate tells Chuck that if he loves Blair he should just tell her, but otherwise he should let her go so that Nate can have her. What a pussy. What he should have done was punch Chuck that if he loved Blair he should just get punched, but otherwise he should let her go so that Nate can punch him. So Chuck tells Blair that it was all just a game, but that’s a lie, he really loves her, which is why he told her, because he can’t make her happy, because he’s 45-years-old and twice divorced and has an idea of what he’s talking about based on a lifetime of hard-earned experience. Seriously, who does he think he is, Spider-Man? That is some Spider-Man shit is what that is. (Spider-Man, also a teenager with little to no idea what he’s doing.)
So, just when it seems like the plan has worked and the cops have shown up to arrest Poppy, they arrest Serena instead! Lily called them! She had her own daughter arrested! We’re gonna need a bigger throw pillow!
Rufus was just about to propose to her, too. But that is when he found the folder with a spreadsheet of all the payouts along with “bags of money in each amount.” Bags of money in each amount? Lily’s plan to cover up the fraud was even better and more flawless than I thought. But Rufus is mad! Lily was emasculating him with her money! Yeah, right. He’s in love with her and she’s fucking loaded like Queen Rich of Cash Mountain but he’s going to be a bitch about it? Relax, Rufus. And he is about to relax, but then he finds out that Lily had her own daughter thrown in jail, and for a split second he realizes that maybe there is a parent in this world who is even worse at it then he is, and he self-righteously walks away. Fair enough. Except that he immediately proceeds home and asks his children to return the engagement ring they bought for him before slinking off into his bedroom to pout, so as bad as having your daughter arrested for a crime she didn’t commit to keep her from exercising any kind of ill-conceived but ultimately correct justice on a con artist resulting in two completely horrible lessons to instill in your teenage child on the cusp of adulthood is, Rufus remains the worst.
Next week: just looks fucking miserable:
*The film adaptation of Harriet the Spy stars…wait for it…Michelle Tracthenberg! Coincidence? Coincidence.
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How exciting that Lily won Mother of the Year just in time for Mother’s Day!
Though I’m not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit at the Blair/Chuck exchange. Because I’m 13 inside.
Narc School, School of Narcs is proving to be very useful.
Not to be an asshole, but shouldn’t that be “smooth” criminal?
Thank you for the Harriet the Spy refrence though.
Dude, Spider-Man was a teenagers like 20 years ago. He’s around 24 now.
I think I picked up on an Arrested Development reference. As in Speech, not Bluth.
Headliner, I challenge you to a game of Cat and Mouse shoes. A game of Cat and Mouse Shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!
michael jackson and josh brolin in one post? well done, gabe.
and i like that next week’s episode stars NOBODY from gossip girl. sad, sad promotion of a spinoff. but, i mean, it stars nobody from gossip girl, so maybe it’ll be okay?
bitch, please. serena’s mugshot would have been better. upset or not, she too vain not to at least give a hair flip or introduce some cleavage.
i realize no one on this show will ever be making an oscar speech, but chuck’s acting just blows Nate out of the water. a good Nate tip for passionately telling someone you love them is to mumble and strategically arrange your bangs.
Only Queen Rich of Cash Mountain could get her daughter arrested immediately, but still IN THE FUTURE.
Why does this show pretend like STUDENT LOANS do not exist? Isn’t this the way pretty much everyone pays for college?
Harriet the Spy or Georgina the Sociopath?
That mugshot is quite poorly-lit.
I like how little they attempt to make the 80′s look like the 80′s. All of the people in that preview were wearing clothes and hairstyles from the past year, not the past quarter century.
Relax techno Rufus
I think that the GG writers have been reading these reviews, because they would not stop reminding us last night that these are ADULT problems and this is what ADULTS do. (Though covering up the tracks of two major con artists and then having your daughter arrested to prevent her from being involved in a scandal instead of just marching to the Russian Tea Room and dragging her home by the ears yourself, or at least sending your butler to do so – those are things ADULTS do?)
$10 says that Serena won’t last long in that outfit in jail.
Best line of the night: “I need you to dig up what dirt you can on the officers of the 55th precinct”. And then what exactly, Chuck? Pray, tell. I’d love to see how that little blackmail extravaganza would go.
Also, Rufus is redefining pouty. As if the turtlenecks weren’t alluring enough. Can we get some guy-liner next week to go with the whole pathetic overgrown emo thing he’s got going on?
Thank you for the Freckles comment! Serena reminds me of Kate, Marissa Cooper, Meredith Gray and all other annoying female characters on TV.
and no one noticed GG is in the FUTURE??? Whammy!
The only good part of this episode was Blair transforming Georgina and then Chuck SNIFFED her and described her aurora or whatever.
What is this 80s bullshit? Who cares? Who will watch this? I’ve stuck with this show this far and I’m not watching that episode.
I’ve also started to fast forward through the scenes with the Humphreys. Although the part where he asked the kids to return the ring was hilarious.
I guess this means the spin-off will be airing soon. It looks terrible.
But then, I watch Gossip Girl, so what do I know?
Wow, this show makes me hate myself every week. Is this what happens on this show. These teenagers spend all season beating up on each other (but of course not literally), then the richest of them come together at the end of the season to tackle the dumbest problem. Because they are rich teens and have the skills and resources to topple major corporations, cover up crime, blackmail entire police precincts, and leave the country for weeks on end in the middle of a school year.
I’m Loving these coments, i thought all americans loved this program and that majority of american teenagers were actually like that. This show is such a joke, i makes me hate myself every week for always watching the next episode to see how much dumber it gets… i shouldn’t keep doing this to my brain but Blair keeps me watching it.
“pulled a classic grift (what con artists call the Internet in Africa Oopsie Daisy)” I’m European but I lived in Africa for many years and i’ve always had wireless internet over there…. everyone had it actually. So in defence of Africa in general, they didn’t say Africa in GG, they said developing countries… that could be anywhere like Vietnam; not necessarily Africa.
i iz so sad terminator was cancelled while this asshattery lives on… IT HAS NO HOT BALLERINA ROBOTS IN IT!!!!!!!!
OMJC. the bitch is back cus you done stole her bible money.