It’s October for the Real Housewives, and you know what that means: do you? Because I have no idea what that means. These women’s lives are such vacuous shadowplays of human existence, shuttled from one publicity event to the next, constantly grasping with ghost claws at whatever shred of meaning they can find in the purchase of a handbag or the somewhat mean-spirited reference in a third-tier gossip column, that I can’t honestly believe that the changing of the seasons holds any real meaning for them. Maybe they sling a coat over their arm for the red carpet photographers on their way into yet another teeth whitening product release party? So they opt to push the pomegranate-scented calamari around on their plate indoors instead of out? When they trace the razor up and down the length of their forearm, they push it in a little deeper, just enough to leave a crease, before burying their heads in their hands and sobbing?

Or nothing. It means nothing at all.

So LuAnn’s daughter is home for the first time since leaving for boarding school. Now that I know she’s getting divorced, I can’t help but watch her scenes of domestic bliss (or if not bliss, then at least quiet resignation) with a somewhat more charitable attitude. It’s not that she’s any less ridiculous or nightmarish of a person. She’s the (second) absolute worst (after Kelly), and no amount of divorce will change that. But that’s the sweet sting of dramatic irony. Watching her putt around her Upper East Side townhouse like she doesn’t have a care in the world, because she doesn’t–she hardly even cares about her children–all the while knowing that in just a few short months this sham world is going to collapse on her in a publicly humiliating way, well, you know, a lot of nervous laughter is involved.

Is that a dude dressed up as Chun Li from the Street Fighter videogame? Of course not, that would be ridiculous.

Speaking of publicly humiliating, can we talk about Jill’s interview with the BBC?

Jill Zarin does one good deed a day, anywhere from holding a door for someone to holding an elevator door for someone. She’s basically a charity factory. Look, I’m not saying that Jill wasn’t put in a tough position. No one who is that out of touch with how the world works should be asked to explain anything, ever. I feel like you could interview Jill Zarin about her feelings on lattes and you’d get a couple of pretty serious gaffes. And I do get the sense that she donates some of her husband’s fortune to trying to making the world a better place. But, like, it’s not “funny” that the BBC guy said Africa. When you’re talking about economic inequalities in the world, Africa is a totally common and incredibly legitimate counter-example to a recently renovated penthouse apartment. That’s just not how cute anecdotal coincidences work.

The thing I don’t understand is Jill’s insistence on constantly talking about how hard the economy is. Jill, stop doing that.


Meanwhile, Kelly is having new headshots taken. For what? Her Facebook profile? She was using some “slightly” out of date photos and people were writing on her wall like “R u rlly 16?” and finally she was like “Maybe it is time 4 a change.” Because of how she’s 40. 40′s not an insult, obviously. I am well into my 40s. But I feel like for her it is an insult, and so it must be constantly repeated. By Kelly’s math, she’s halfway to 50! But she looks good for 40. On the outside. On the inside she looks really really bad for any age.

Anyway, new headshots.

So she decides to use them for an invitation to a Halloween party, and she actually says “I knew that people would say ‘oh my god, that’s so great. That’s so cool’ and then they’d want to be a part of it.” Those are words that left her mouth. Although, to be fair, later she said that she was a mom so she didn’t want to dress outrageously for Halloween, which is why she chose this subtle, tasteful mom costume. Or momstume.

Total MILK. The point being, it’s not like Kelly ever has any idea what the fuck she is talking about. The inside of her brain is like a bunch of Cheetos stuck inside a tub of cream cheese.

So everyone is mad at Kelly because she showed up really late to her party and they were all standing around like (more of) a bunch of assholes (than usual). Fair enough, although shouldn’t everyone always be mad at Kelly for the simple fact that she’s a wretched, wretched monster? I feel like the party is just grease icing on the poison cake.

Also, Alex finally shows Bethenny the logo she’s been designing for Skinny Girl.

Wow. It’s weird that Alex got fired from her graphic design job, since she’s so good at it. Sarcasm. That is literally the worst thing I have ever seen. Unless Bethenny is changing the name of her company to Whoops That’s Our Logo, in which case, perfect.

And Simon?

Still gay.

Comments (19)
  1. i do think these women for the most part are wretched and live in thier own worlds with no real concept of how many people actually struggle to pay a morgtage and just buy basic necessities –
    that interviewer for the BBC?
    f that guy!!! hes not out flipping burgers and cleaning toilets – hes interviewing a dlist american reality tv star and making a living at it. his smug ass is part of the problem too.

  2. The last GIF = priceless.

  3. Every time someone quotes Kelly, it should be (probably is) prefaced by, “and then she actually said,…” and followed by, “Yeah, those words actually left her mouth.”

  4. OSCAR THE CONCH  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 -2

    We need a .GIF of the Moose strangling Sarah Palin. Also, a .GIF of the moose putting the gun in his crotch, and in his giant nose holes.

    Someone please give Simon his own reality show… please

  5. So I take it you don’t like the show :-) What is so funny about the New York Housewives is that they have to instigate fake fights in order to seem mildly interesting – honestly if they film another crappy tennis match I’m going to wonder about the common sense of the advertisers who keep that show going.

    Anyway the Housewives of New Jersey look like they’re even crazier.

  6. Thought some people may find Alex’s article on job hunting of interest: “I’d love to play Lady Macbeth at Lincoln Center but somehow I think people who know me as a Real Housewife aren’t ready for that, nor would it replace my income.”

  7. lorraine  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 +1

    it’s really says something about how horrible all the housewives are when Alex and Simon look like somewhat normal, down-to-earth people– in the same episode that they buy a $7000 feed-bag corset. The scene when they were carving pumpkins with their kids, decorating the front steps with cheapy-looking decorations, and goofing off in silly hats and glasses was actually kind of heartwarming compared to the other parenting moments we saw that night– Kelly’s momstume, LuAnn’s self-obsessed shopping spree with her daughter, Ramona’s kid’s obvious hatred of her parents… yech.

    That being said, yeah, Simon’s still gay.

    • To be fair, I’m not entirely sure but I think that the entire proceeds of the $7,000 feed-bag corset (WHAT?) went straight to charity. Not that they don’t spend exorbitant amounts of money on other useless garbage (dwelling conditions excluded.)

      And yeah, Simon. Gay, but he owns the femminess, not unlike Chet from RW. You can sense Alex dying a little inside from that gif, even from the back. Lying to yourself can be exhausting.

    • Vampires Suck  |   Posted on Apr 23rd, 2009 +1

      Since we’re on the topic of gay husbands, has anyone else checked out Ramona’s website? http://www.ramonasinger.com/


      • I just went to Ramona’s website and clicked on her bio, and it reads, “She graduated from the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City, with a B.S. Degree in Business.”

        A BS Degree. In Business. From the Fashion Institute. I just checked, and FIT does not offer a BS in Business. Or any degree in Business. Cause it’s a Fashion School. Guess we know what the “BS” stands for.

      • Vampires Suck  |   Posted on Apr 23rd, 2009 0

        I like how the bio doesn’t mention anything about her daughter or gay husband.

  8. And what exactly was Kelly’s date dressed up as? Dude in Loincloth-Style Boxers is not a costume.

  9. Nick  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 +1

    Bad-ass Cibo Matto CD, Gabe.

  10. Hapax2  |   Posted on Apr 22nd, 2009 +2

    Gabe, you probably don’t realize it, but you are one of the best writers on the whole wide web. Your first paragraph above, for instance, took my breath away. “. . . another tooth whitening product release party” – it wrenches the heart.

  11. Vampires Suck  |   Posted on Apr 23rd, 2009 0

    What’s up with the Love Field DART photo? Dallas is flat. Love Field is downtown. That picture makes no sense.

  12. aw man. you could not pay me to watch a single episode of this show but gosh darn i do love reading about it each week. mr gabe sir.. i salute you!

    ps – MILK! ha
    pps – momstume! double ha!
    ppps – final gif! i just snorted mucus all over my monitor!

  13. Brenna  |   Posted on Apr 24th, 2009 +1

    That BBC guy is a dick. I am not excusing anything that Jill says ever, but that BBC guy is full of shite. He caused it too. His country as well. I get the sense that he is saying bloated, overpaid Americans are at fault. Sorry mate, the problems your economy didn’t happen to it; your country was a part of this too.

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