Last week, Jill completed the renovation of her apartment from a somewhat stuffy velveteen condo into Liberace’s barf basket. Did you know that Liberace once paid for one of his lovers to get cosmetic surgery to look more like Liberace? I’m only bringing that story up because of how much I feel like most of the people on this show would love to fuck themselves. And why do the producers think that we care about the relationship between Jill and her decorator? Oh, they’re fighting? Over whether or not the hideous way he does his job is particularly disgusting as it manifests itself in the living room coffee table? Is it a fight to the death? No? Then who cares. Meanwhile, the Countess told a girl who was fat that she was fat, which created a stir on the internet, but frankly seemed like the least of the Countess’s crimes. The girl said she wanted to be a model, and models are skinny. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Or hate the player AND the game, but at least acknowledge the game please. Speaking of games, the epic tennis match between Jill and Ramona and Mario finally took place, with the surprise twist that Jill brought Simon instead of a pro. You should have seen Ramona! Her eyes nearly (more) popped out of her head (than usual). I am so glad this tennis thing is over. Not only was it dumb and dull, but it actually made me feel bad for Simon, because he was clearly suckered into humiliating himself for the mild and ultimately unfulfilled amusement of Jill and Bethenny. Game, set, JERKS!

Moving forward.

Jill has a cocktail party to celebrate/promote a new line of eco-fabrics at Zarin Fabrics, whatever that means. What are eco-fabrics? You mean like this?

Kelly brings her boyfriend to the party, which drives Jill’s decorator Brad up the wall, you know, because he’s gay, and gay guys are so man crazy that they can’t control themselves in public. Just kidding. Brad’s horrible, outrageous over-reaction to Kelly’s boyfriend has nothing to do with him being gay and everything to do with him being the worst.

He should decorate himself a cab home.

Kelly interviews that she and her boyfriend are both totally spontaneous, and one of the ways we know they are spontaneous, in addition to being told, because telling people you’re spontaneous is one of the most spontaneous things you can do, is by having a “pillow fight” in the pillow aisle of Zarin Fabrics.

Sure. That’s a pillow fight. As much as this weird indeterminately foreign male model who speaks in malformed cliches is Kelly’s “boyfriend,” that is a “pillow fight.” They are just crazy spontaneous, you guys. Total firecrackers. You never know what they’ll do next, but you know that it will be wild stupid and for the benefit of the cameras.

Then this happened:

Um, what? Just in case anyone is reading/watching this who does not live in New York, if you ever come to visit, DO NOT RUN IN TRAFFIC. I don’t know what this vagina dentata in spandex is talking about, but we have the same feelings about running in traffic here as they do everywhere else in the world, which is basically that you should definitely avoid it. The only thing more insane than Kelly yipping through the streets of Manhattan as if that’s a real thing that people do is the cab driver’s insistence on not running her the F over.

Bethenny takes her muffins to a grocery store to promote her line of Skinny Girl whatever, but no one cares. Bethenny is like “I am used to charging thousands of dollars for an event with hundreds of people lining up for autographs.” What event would that be, Bethenny? Look, I like Bethenny. But she can stop acting like she’s the keynote speaker at the TED Conference.

It’s Jill’s birthday, so she makes her husband buy her a hand-made purse for $16,000. Sure. It’s a whole ordeal, with a private meeting with the purse designer and everything. It’s basically the rich person’s version of this. All of which would be fine, because rich people spend a lot of money on stupid shit, that is just the way it works, and I know that and I have made peace with it, but then Jill has the incredible nerve to bring up the economy. “I didn’t think it would be appropriate in this economic climate to get myself an expensive present…” Don’t you dare, Jill Zarin. She should drop $16k on some self-awareness! Five minutes later, her husband surprises her with a brand new Mercedes SUV for her birthday, in addition to the handbag, which she immediately complains about because it won’t let her play her iPhone through the stereo, and her husband says he’ll keep the car and get her a different one and she says “OK” like duh of course you will or I will divorce you, so maybe what she meant was that in this economic climate she didn’t think it would be appropriate to not be a total fucking asshole.

The Cuntess continues to prepare her manners book. She’s like one of those businessmen who get fired from their job but still dress up in a suit everyday and ride the subway with their briefcase until it’s time to go home for dinner. Except that she doesn’t have a job. And she would never deign to get on the subway. The point is that she should be fired. From life. This is funny though:

Co-writer. Right. 50-50 on the writing, I’m sure.

But easily the best moment of the show came when Simon’s surprise for Alex’s birthday was “ruined.”

Just to clarify, the big surprise for her birthday was…a cab ride home? And he got mad because he was going to trick her by driving five minutes out of the way and then turning around and taking her home? SURPRISE! No wonder he is so mad. I would be mad too if someone revealed that I was an idiot right away, instead of delaying the reveal for five minutes before turning the cab around and then revealing that I was an idiot.

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“Well I don’t like you now, so I don’t think it will make much of a difference.”

Comments (29)
  1. the most aerodynamic thing to run in? lycra-spandex long-sleeved shirts with bedazzled owl made out of swarovski crystals. it’s nike dryfit meets etsy/brooklyn flea/readymade magazine meets blood diamonds. THE BEST.

  2. dan  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +4

    What the hell is livered? This guy cannot talk. And it’s not cos he’s British, cos I’M BRITISH. Well done for ruining our reputation in yet another bloody country.

  3. No mention of Ramona telling Bethenny the only reason she likes Jill is because Jill feels sorry for her? Probably my favorite moment of the night, simply because Bethenny is such a motherfuckin bamf.

  4. Shenanigans. Not only was she running down 5th avenue, but all the cars stopped behind her and she continued to run through the intersection without getting killed.

  5. So this weekend, who want to meet up for a nice jog through traffic on 5th ave?

  6. ModernMANdroid  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • aniktwo  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +5

      You totally told us.

    • why does this have a negative score. it’s too honest? makes you question your existence. it should.
      you should.

    • Vampires Suck  |   Posted on Apr 16th, 2009 +2

      I like to watch shows like this because they make me very angry. I think there’s probably a correlation between the proliferation of excess among the rich that we see not only on TV but daily irl and the recent Rassmussen Reports poll that found 43% of Americans don’t agree that Capitalism is better than Communism.

      This is a chronicle of our times. A very biased one, but it’s still informative and beyond that, entertaining to watch. That Jill would not only accept a purse that cost more than the yearly income of a minimum wage worker in America, but would also reject a vehicle because it didn’t have an iPod plug-in is appalling to most sentient humans. I haven’t had a car for 3 years but somehow I’m still alive. I like this show because it shows me what’s wrong with the world and it makes me angry enough to want to change it.

  7. I don’t have cable, but I wish I could watch this show. The recaps will have to suffice.

  8. I wonder how he feels about the surprise being ruined. He is basically an enigma.

  9. AnimalStructure  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +1

    Just want to let everyone know that on Monday I took a Virgin America flight from JFk to LAX and who shows up on the plane? The fuckin’ Countess!! I could not believe it. But you wanna know something? That fuckin’ cheap ass flew COACH! That’s right, The Countess flies coach. Thought you’d like to know!

  10. “Pop goes the weasel…”

  11. raymond's mother  |   Posted on Apr 15th, 2009 +1

    That man seems like a real joy to be married to. Whatever he’s leaving her, it’s not enough.

  12. Kelly and

    should become “jogging” partners. Maybe even open up a running apparel line?

  13. anon  |   Posted on May 3rd, 2009 0

    These people are all so shallow and I do mean all of these stupid Housewives shows. They should all be sent to Iraq to serve in the armed forces. Jeebezus, They need to figure out what really matters in life.

  14. The Duke of Deception  |   Posted on May 4th, 2009 0

    The only one I wouldn’t fuck is the skinny blond withe homo husband. And maybe Ramona. Yeah, i wouldn’t fuck Ramona.

  15. I have only recently discovered this series after watching the Real Housewives of Orange County which I enjoyed, so when this followed on I don’t like to miss it, however, this is the only series I’ve watched, which amazes me.

    I live in the UK and to see how these women parade and act, how shallow they all are without exception and their antics as seen from a British point of view makes them look and sound so ridiculous. If they could they would eat themselves all up – they absolutely love themselves – nothing wrong in that, but all the other baggage is stupid.

    Now I don’t know about traffic in NYC but let me tell you if I did this on a busy street, I’d be asked to run on the sidewalk – where else would you run if not the sidewalk or Central Park – so why parade like that is beyond me – attention seeking at its most absurd.

    Glad I found your website – now I can vent. These are women I refer to as ‘plastic’ women both inside and out. I wonder what they get paid for doing all of this ho hum!

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