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Dear Beyonce,
You seriously need to fire your publicist, dude.
By all accounts you seem like a classy, sophisticated woman. You’ve created some really great hits, and even invented a YouTube sensation. All in all, 2008 was a banner year for you, and there’s no reason that 2009 shouldn’t have carried you along that upward trajectory.
But lately there have been some pretty serious mistakes. First there’s the whole Sasha Fierce thing, which is just like what? You are an adult! I know that fame makes people crazy and cuts their tether to the normal human world that the rest of us live in, allowing them to float up into the thin air of grandiose self delusion, but even the 12-year-olds to whom a flashy nickname seems intended to appeal are like “Um, Sasha Fierce sounds like a drag queen, whatever that is, I’m 12.” And then there was the Academy Awards in which you performed a musical medley with Hugh “My Pants Are Soaked With My Own Pee” Jackman, which would have simply been a dull but completely acceptable lateral career move for you, if it hadn’t involved a mostly tame but still mildly embarrassing nip-slip. That won’t do! A Queen B doesn’t have nip-slips!
And now there is this Nintendo DSi commercial in which you seriously look like you have the mental acuity of a baby. THIS IS SOME FLOWERS FOR ALGERNONS SHIT! I’m not saying that you’re actually a slack-jawed drooling simpleton who finds a healthy set of housekeys completely transfixing, but I am saying that in this commercial you look like a slack-jawed drooling simpleton who finds a healthy set of housekeys completely transfixing. Come on, lady! Put your hands up! In frustration! As you fire whoever in your life is making these decisions that you are obviously not making for yourself for you!
Sincerely,
Lindsay Robertson
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she so finne!!1 is she da one wif da takl show??
You remind me of Gore Vidal.
NO, people! It’s Busey!
I never ever see these coming.
Dear Mr. Delahaye,
I am writing to inquire about the “YouTube sensation” you attribute to the Beyonce. Please provide an internet gateway to the aforementioned YouTubes video.
Sincerely,
The Oldest Man
Um, er, not to mention that the two major motion pictures her agent seems to have landed her are 1) the most tasteless and lame of the Austin Power movies and, um 2) this. http://obsessed-movie-trailer.blogspot.com/
Isn’t there a point when HOVA steps in and is like, I’m sorry honey but you’re fucking embarassing me?
Actually, she was in Dreamgirls, too, which was a pretty good career move if not a great movie.
Did Lindsay write this letter and you’re posting it for her…or are you writing this on Lindsay’s behalf?
Also everyone looks dumb in these commercials. I suspect I look equally as dumb when I get frustrated trying to beat the Flower Monster in Princess Peach. SHE NEVER HAS ENOUGH TEARS TO DROWN AND CHOKE ON.
I like how they show her fucking up cuz, you know, she’s made a gagillion dollars based on her “music”. You’d think she’d have enough rhythm for a video game.
Or not
Her face at 0:24 seconds makes it all worth it…
Way to put a ZING on it, Gabe.
it seems to be impossible for anyone to do these commercials without coming off looking a little ‘special.’
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/12/nintendo-ds-ad-turns-liv-tyler-into-borderline-re-re/
I admit it: if Beyonce made an ad in which she stared slack-jawed at a healthy set of housekeys, I would probably want to buy those housekeys.
Not to make the editorializeGum, but so many of the items posted by Lindsay have a whiff of being advertising; like we’re being steered to these things not because there is something intrinsically interesting or funny about them, but because you are getting paid to pump something as tired and stupid as Beyonce. Fucking Beyonce, are you kidding?
Firstly, Lindsay obviously didn’t write this, and secondly, really?
Carrie, you’ve been super feisty as of late.
I dunno how I feel about this.
Well just take some time, think it over, and once you figure it out I can adjust my feistiness accordingly.
This just in: Lindsay doesn’t like FUN!
Oh Beyonce. Even her nip slips are classy.
She looks like my hand.
Hey beyonce
I like this gay but I do not-no about how 2 tall
him, can u help me !!!! ( NOW )