kelly.jpg

Yes! The claws are out! Women be clawin’! After all of the excitement of Fashion Week in the last episode, it’s time to find out what really happens when people (people=nightmarish depictions of the soullessness of our modern age) stop being half-polite and start getting half-real. Kelly vs. Bethenny! Mario vs. Jill! Ramona vs. Simon and Alex! You have no idea how disappointing it is that these are just semi-staged arguments for a reality TV camera crew, and not full on bloodsport grudge matches. Well, that’s not fair, you have some idea. You are, after all, human, and as humans we have all tasted the bitter frustration of the Real Housewives not murdering each other. What I’m saying is why couldn’t someone have yelled THIS…IS…CONSTANCE and kicked Kelly down a hole? Whatever, this is still pretty good TV.

First up: Kelly vs. Bethenny.

So, last week, at Jill’s arthritis foundation planning committee meeting, Kelly showed up late, called Jill’s daughter’s arthritis “cute,” and then proceeded to explain that she would not put her name on the invitation because she doesn’t even have time for her own charities, whatever that means (I think it means she’s too busy going to court to defend herself against charges of vagina dentata. Her vagina literally has teeth in it, and they’re huge).

So naturally, she’s pretty upset that Bethenny made an off-hand remark about her. Anyone who was completely deluded as to their importance in the world and the way they look to other people (hint: miserable) would be. So, she decides to be an adult about the situation, and do what an adult would do, which is invite Bethenny to get a drink, show up 30 minutes late, and then immediately barrage her with the most insane, condescending, self-indulgent, vagina dentata-y, boorish, infantile monologue of deluded self-aggrandizing ignorance that has ever been barraged. Seriously, it is incredible.

Perfect. As a sign of just how confused Kelly is about how she looks to other people (like this, basically), she spends the rest of the episode pretending to casually explain the situation to everyone else, when there’s nothing casual about it and she has clearly prepared her spiel for everyone. What’s more, it’s not working. Luann is like “I used to say you can’t cunt a cunter, but it turns out you can.”

Even Kelly’s date is unimpressed.

But you can’t really trust him. He foraign.

All night long, Kelly is like “whatever, it doesn’t even matter, I don’t even have time for this,” which is Wretched Idiot for “I have nothing in my life of meaning or substance, and thus this takes up the entirety of my brain.” The absolute worst.

Then: Mario vs. Jill.

It’s all about a tennis game or something? I don’t even know. Forget it, Gabe, it’s Horrifying Insufferable Rich Disasters Town.

If there had been a blood pressure monitor on Jill’s arm, her blood pressure would have gone up. Zing? This whole thing seems like a tempest in a teapot, and by tempest I mean everyone should shut up, and by teapot I mean Mario might be gay.

The final fight of the evening is between Ramona and Mario and Simon and Alex. It all revolves around the nude photos of Alex that surfaced last spring. Remember those? You remember.

The issue seems to be that Ramona and Mario are upset because they brought Simon and Alex to a party a couple of days before those photos surfaced, and it embarrassed them in front of their friends. Which makes sense, although one imagines that anyone who would be friends with Ramona and Mario would be difficult to shame or embarrass. Simon and Alex, on the other hand, make the point that one time Ramona kissed someone on the cheek who had been in Playboy so they should shut up. Hm. OK. Well, I think there’s only one way to settle it.

Settled.

Comments (21)
  1. I think Bethenny’s reaction to the whole situation was spot on: “Get over yourself.”

    Fucking truth.

  2. Steven  |   Posted on Apr 1st, 2009 +1

    Gossip Girl recap, please. So that our time spent watching it won’t be in vain.

  3. This show has proven that the greatest indicator of wealth amongst a group of people is their inability to argue about anything but themselves.

    And that Alex is the ugliest looking woman forever all the time.

  4. Where is the GD Gossip Girl recap. Gabe, the public needs it. Nate was so gay! PLEASE!

  5. Turns out Mario doesn’t fall far from the Ramona tree. I used to wonder how he could be married to her and now I don’t.

  6. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  7. ab  |   Posted on Apr 1st, 2009 +1

    GOSSIP GIRL RECAP PLEASE!!!!!

  8. Clarissa  |   Posted on Apr 1st, 2009 +6

    I really wish Paul Rudd and Michael Michael Showalter would re-enact the Kelly/Bethenny showdown.

  9. you can’t cunt a cunter…. kelly is so nuts. nuts like whoa. ‘beat up my own boyfriend’ nuts. “Really? That’s too bad.” Too bad that I intentionally showed up a half hour late just to piss you off, but don’t worry, i’ve been using that time to get my pre-teen daughter’s advice on how to handle this situation. and i think we nailed it. yep. nailed it. i definitely look like the bigger, less insane person.
    last night’s show made me feel uncomfortable about me for these garbage people so many times. i’m definitely a hate watcher, but bethenny frankel keeps it real, kind of…sometimes.
    also, the Count ‘old balls’ delesseps and the cuntess are calling it quits. he was cheating. but, don’t worry, she’s keeping her title. http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b106918_real_housewife_countess_luann_de.html
    i mean, i for one am patently shocked because their marriage seemed like bliss and the cuntess seemed like a blast to hang out with.

  10. Team Bethenny  |   Posted on Apr 1st, 2009 +11

    I had never, ever heard of Kelly Bensimon before this show and still struggle to remember her when I watch this.That said, she is quite possibly the most disgusting display of humanity on TV currently.

    The things she said to Bethenny are some of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in her rambling, incoherent berating did she even come close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. I award her no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.

  11. Zitch bitch.

  12. “I was so disgusted by your behavior. I think it’s so innappropriate.”
    “My behavior? Doing what?”
    “You tell me doing what… You tell me.”

    STAREDOWN.

  13. GG RECAP DAMMIT.

    I guess it’s obvious Gabe doesn’t actually read the comments. I feel like I just found out there is no Tooth Fairy.

  14. Bella  |   Posted on Apr 2nd, 2009 0

    My favorite is the interview with Bethenny and Kelly in People yesterday… “?I was really, really offended [by Bethenny?s comments],? she says, adding, ?Regardless, the show must go on.”"

    No Kelly, the show must not go on.

  15. Your Mom  |   Posted on Apr 2nd, 2009 0

    Do we really need to fill up the comments of a recap for one show urging Gabe to do a recap of another? COME ON. Gabe, I feel for you.

  16. Calamity. Quelle enmity.

    HTF did Bethenney kept her cool? It was superlative.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.