After a two-week hiatus, Lost returns tonight with what will undoubtedly be a great episode (because they’re all great, duh, even when they’re not as great as other episodes, for example the great Beard Whoops of 2009 that was still the weakest episode of the season no matter how mad it makes the Beard Police, so boo hoo to you, nerds). What’s become clear this season is that we’re in a new era of Lost (I’m the Mayor of Duh Town) with exciting new tropes and mysterious new mysteries. Which means it’s time for the Lost Season 5 Drinking Game.
This is not to be confused with the Lost Season 1 Drinking Game (drink every time someone asks what is in the hatch), the Lost Season 2 Drinking Game (drink every time someone says “I’m going back to the hatch”), the Lost Season 3 Drinking Game (drink every time you wonder if this whole season is seriously going to take place in a fucking zoo), the Lost Season 4 Drinking Game (drink every time Jack drinks), or any other subpar Lost Drinking Game. This is a NEW Lost Drinking Game, you guys. The future is now.
-Drink every time someone is wearing something ridiculous to remind you that it’s the ’70s.
-Drink every time you don’t know whether to trust Ben or Widmore.
-Drink every time Richard Alpert is great.
-Drink every time members of the Dharma Initiative appear clownish, or naive.
-Drink every time someone comes up with a new name to hide their identity.
-Drink every time someone says “now what?”
-Drink every time Desmond is reluctantly drawn back into the story no matter how hard he tries.
-Drink every time you’re like Sun, what’s going on with you?
-Drink every time you remember that Miles is still on this show and you wonder what the point of him is and if they’re actually going to do something with this whole spirit-walker thing because where did THAT storyline disappear to.
-Drink every time Daniel Farraday expresses his inexplicable love for Charlotte that came out of nowhere.
-Drink every time a new Lostie appears on the screen (here’s to you, new Losties!)
-Drink every time Locke looks out at the ocean like a wise old grandpa (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1 and 2 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Farraday gives a vague and completely unsatisfying explanation of anything.
-Drink every time a reference is made to the polar bears which have gone from mystery to running joke.
-Drink every time the rules seem to change without warning.
-Drink every time Juliette is so annoying (hold over from the Lost Seasons 3 and 4 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Jack and Sawyer have a power struggle (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Kate is so annoying (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4 Drinking Games).
For those of you who still need to catch up this season, here are some bonus lightning rounds:
-Drink every time Daniel Farraday says, “But when is the” something.
-Drink every time they time jump.
-Drink every time a character witnesses an event that was historical in previous seasons but now is happening in real time.
-Drink every time Jack fails to convince Kate to come back to the island.
-Drink every time someone asks Ben what he’s doing there.
-Drink every time the well is filled in.
-Drink every time the well is empty.
-Drink every time there is no well.
-Drink every time you have no idea what’s happening.
Play this game at the hospital, you guys, because whoops, you’re dead.