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After a two-week hiatus, Lost returns tonight with what will undoubtedly be a great episode (because they’re all great, duh, even when they’re not as great as other episodes, for example the great Beard Whoops of 2009 that was still the weakest episode of the season no matter how mad it makes the Beard Police, so boo hoo to you, nerds). What’s become clear this season is that we’re in a new era of Lost (I’m the Mayor of Duh Town) with exciting new tropes and mysterious new mysteries. Which means it’s time for the Lost Season 5 Drinking Game.

This is not to be confused with the Lost Season 1 Drinking Game (drink every time someone asks what is in the hatch), the Lost Season 2 Drinking Game (drink every time someone says “I’m going back to the hatch”), the Lost Season 3 Drinking Game (drink every time you wonder if this whole season is seriously going to take place in a fucking zoo), the Lost Season 4 Drinking Game (drink every time Jack drinks), or any other subpar Lost Drinking Game. This is a NEW Lost Drinking Game, you guys. The future is now.

-Drink every time someone is wearing something ridiculous to remind you that it’s the ’70s.
-Drink every time you don’t know whether to trust Ben or Widmore.
-Drink every time Richard Alpert is great.
-Drink every time members of the Dharma Initiative appear clownish, or naive.
-Drink every time someone comes up with a new name to hide their identity.
-Drink every time someone says “now what?”
-Drink every time Desmond is reluctantly drawn back into the story no matter how hard he tries.
-Drink every time you’re like Sun, what’s going on with you?
-Drink every time you remember that Miles is still on this show and you wonder what the point of him is and if they’re actually going to do something with this whole spirit-walker thing because where did THAT storyline disappear to.
-Drink every time Daniel Farraday expresses his inexplicable love for Charlotte that came out of nowhere.
-Drink every time a new Lostie appears on the screen (here’s to you, new Losties!)
-Drink every time Locke looks out at the ocean like a wise old grandpa (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1 and 2 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Farraday gives a vague and completely unsatisfying explanation of anything.
-Drink every time a reference is made to the polar bears which have gone from mystery to running joke.
-Drink every time the rules seem to change without warning.
-Drink every time Juliette is so annoying (hold over from the Lost Seasons 3 and 4 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Jack and Sawyer have a power struggle (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4 Drinking Games).
-Drink every time Kate is so annoying (hold over from the Lost Seasons 1, 2, 3 and 4 Drinking Games).

For those of you who still need to catch up this season, here are some bonus lightning rounds:

-Drink every time Daniel Farraday says, “But when is the” something.
-Drink every time they time jump.
-Drink every time a character witnesses an event that was historical in previous seasons but now is happening in real time.
-Drink every time Jack fails to convince Kate to come back to the island.
-Drink every time someone asks Ben what he’s doing there.
-Drink every time the well is filled in.
-Drink every time the well is empty.
-Drink every time there is no well.
-Drink every time you have no idea what’s happening.

Play this game at the hospital, you guys, because whoops, you’re dead.

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Comments (17)
  1. -Drink every time Kate is so annoying
    -Drink every time someone says “now what?”

    These two alone would kill you. Kate’s even annoying in the episodes she’s not in.

  2. If I die playing this game in 2009, does that also negate my existence in 1974? When am I?

  3. kevin  |   Posted on Mar 18th, 2009 +8

    -drink every time someone asks for an explanation that would disclose a mystery in the storyline, then seems satisfied when they don’t get one
    -drink every time you realize that Sayid (compared to other characters) is shorter than you thought he was

  4. I’ll be at the hospital bar.

  5. Drink every time you wonder “Where (or when) the hell are Rose and Bernard?” because you are worried about them guys, real worried.

    Drink double when you wonder “Where (or when) the hell are Rose and Bernard?” and it is a Friday night and Lost isn’t even on and you are worried about being worried about fictional characters.

  6. That’s right, Gabe. You grasp onto Beardgate Season 5. You can’t tell me that episode was weaker than the second episode, which was like listening to a completely incorrect and utterly unyielding review of an episode from the TV show Lost.

    Have fun at being wrong dinner.

    • You honestly think that the episode in which Locke meets a young Charles Widmore (not to mention complicated time-jumping and the outlying structure for this entire season) is weaker than an episode in which a shitty hippie gets sad because a wooden ankh necklace makes him wonder whether or not blah blah blah Sawyer still loves Kate? You guys are so wrong about things that you should walk yourselves to jail because you’re not even worth the cab I just called for you.

      • Whoops! Looks like someone needs to ask himself when he is. The Locke/Widmore meeting takes place in episode 3, not 2, though I can’t really blame you for the oversight since the second episode was ENTIRELY FORGETTABLE.

        This is me laying your nose-bleeding head down in the forest, Gabe. You just died. I expect your office cleaned out by morning.

      • “you should walk yourselves to jail because you’re not even worth the cab I just called for you”

        Well that’s one way to attract readers?
        You know Gabe, it’s just sort of lame to harp on to the whole ‘You guys are babies and I’m you’re Hammer of vlog’ thing simply because almost no one else on this site agrees with you about Beardgate. Though I’ll still gladly stay in your living room and levae your cabbie outside.

  7. That beard thing really riled you up, huh Gabe? It’s okay to be wrong, dude.

  8. rob  |   Posted on Mar 19th, 2009 +7

    And if you want to get REALLY wasted:

    Jack: “What are you doing here, [insert character name]?”
    No reply
    Jack: “What are you DOING here?!?!?”

    works with all seasons so far

  9. There’s nothing wrong with sticking up for your opinion Gabe. It’s actually funnier to me that you don’t let people off the hook. Beardgate is funny but who cares in the end. That is a really minor thing to say makes the whole episode bad.

    The Sawyer/Juliet hookup makes it strong for me. I like the action episodes better but they managed to take 2 characters I didn’t like (I hated Sawyer) and somehow had me liking them by the end of the episode. They made me change my opinion which I don’t do very often. I guess if your saying it’s just not as good as ep 1-3 then fine but if you’re saying it’s just bad in itself your wrong.

    Of course it pays to not take LOST so damn seriously. I definitely agree that they do some goofy shit but it’s fun goofy shit.

    Also, so much for those people that think Sun, Locke and Ben are in the 70s. Ha ha!

  10. What Gabe insists is the weakest episode of the season had the f&*ing STATUE in it, which was awesome. The entire rest of the episode could have been Jack and anybody else glaring at each other over background music, and it still would have been pretty ok. And there’s something up with the ankh necklace. See my friend Rosa’s graduate thesis “LOST: It’s totally Egyptians.”

    The only thing I ever noticed about the beard was how chubby the lack of it makes Sawyer’s face. When time travel comes into the picture (especially when there’s a lot of it) there’s some stuff you just gotta let go.

  11. That would also work for a 24 drinking game.

  12. I’m going to play the drinking game only if you promise I will be passed out until this show is off the air.

  13. Rose  |   Posted on Mar 20th, 2009 +1

    I’ve had that exact thought many many times! Where did they go? Did I miss something in an episode while in the bathroom/kitchen? Also, I thought there were about 40 plane-crash survivors. Agreed, a bunch of them died. But how come, when you add up all of the original plane-crash group, there are only 8 living Losties? It doesn’t quite add up. Where did the other 32 go? I just don’t get it. And I actually do think about it when Lost isn’t even on, and nothing Lost-related is happening.

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