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YESSSS! It’s back! We pick up right where we left off. Dan Humphrey is hooking up with that horrible teacher that at first it was rumored he was hooking up with when he wasn’t but then she got fired for it and they actually really started hooking up in real life, because that woman is an adult, and she makes adult decisions about how to live her life. Chuck Bass is still trying to track down that woman that he slept with at his father’s exclusive Eyes Wide Shut party, where apparently you are given a wrist tattoo right away no questions asked because remember how he woke up with a wrist tattoo? For an Eyes Wide Shut club that is supposedly so dangerous and so exclusive, they sure give out those wrist tattoos like they’re free clinic condoms. Blair is going to Yale. Serena is an asshole. Jenny is an asshole. Rufus is an asshole. Let’s go!
The seniors of Constance are putting on a performance of Edith Wharton’s Age of Innocence for their “Senior Play,” whatever that is. Since none of us has ever been to high school, I guess we’ll just have to assume that a Senior Play is a real thing that exists and that everyone knows about. Luckily, everyone has been cast in the main roles. Age of Convenience! The only person not performing in the play is Chuck Bass, because of course. Nate makes a joke about mercury poisoning. Gossip Girl is back!
Before the dress rehearsal, Blair talks about how perfect her life is. Uh oh, you know what that means! It is about to get less perfect! Within thirty seconds, the mean girls are screaming because Yuki just found out that she got in early to Yale. Blair says that’s impossible because only one student gets in early from Constance every year, and this year that is her. She confronts Headmistress Queller, who says that Yale has rescinded Blair’s application. Oh no, and just when the show got picked up for a third season! (Gossip Co-ed). Headmistress Queller doesn’t know how Yale found out about Blair’s detention (re: the whole lying about Dan and the teacher, which now is not a lie but at the time was a lie, but she got out of by it becoming not a lie, but it was still kind of a lie, sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in these spiderwebs) but she points out that “Yale considers hazing a faculty member a serious offense.” Um, just for the record, Headmistress Queller, we ALL consider hazing a faculty member a serious offense.
Now that her Yale dreams are crushed, things couldn’t possibly get any worse for Blair. OH WAIT. Gossip Girl sends out a Gossip Blast about Blair’s ex-boyfriend, Lord Whatever, who was sleeping with his stepmom, Cougar Madchen. Blair is so embarrassed, even though that happened five million years ago and no one even remembers who they were. (Also, not to get all Our Bodies Ourselves, but Blair didn’t even sleep with the Lord, because he wouldn’t let her, while Nate was rolling around with Cougar Peaks all the time and no one says a word. Just SAYING!) But someone is trying to ruin Blair! So Blair immediately blames Vanessa? Because if this show has taught anyone anything it’s that the smartest thing to do is always leap to conclusions and act in irremediable ways on your assumptions. Serena defends Vanessa. Then there is another Gossip Girl blast about how Yale only accepted Serena because they wanted to issue a press release (What is this Old News Girl?), which really seems like more of a diss on Yale (YA BURNT U!) and if the character of Serena was real I don’t think she’d give an F, but she is like “Blair did this!” Because again, with the assumptions being the best policy and whatnot. So she confronts Blair and Blair decides this means the Blastz have been coming from Dan Humphrey because if your first irrational conclusion based on no evidence fails it’s important to make up a new one and act on it immediately.
Dan, meanwhile, gets Jenny to secretly pass Teach a note, because Teach showed up to the dress rehearsal, because that’s something that people who’ve been fired for pedophilic behavior do and everyone is cool with it and doesn’t ask anyone to leave or go to jail. Rachel responds to the note with her HOUSEKEY, because just because she’s been fired from her job at Constance doesn’t mean that she can’t teach these young minds about Wildly Inappropriate Behavior. Unfortunately for Dan’s penis, Rufus intercepts the note, because he also showed up at the dress rehearsal, because for some reason he must have accidentally forgotten that negligent parents aren’t ever supposed to be around.
He goes to Teach’s house and is like “Whoops, I think this key fell out of your horrible vagina.” Dan tells Rufus to leave him alone and let him date whoever he wants, which normally it’s like, hey, you live in your dad’s house, you have to live by your dad’s rules, son, but Rufus isn’t really a dad, and no one cares about Dan’s well-being, so whatever. So Dan f’s Teach in the costume closet, because, again, she’s an adult and this is just what adults do.
But later, Dan figures out that it was actually Teach who tried to ruin everyone’s lives by reporting on Blair to Yale and sending out those Gossip Blasts. Looks like the teacher has become the tips@gossipgirl.com. Dan confronts her and tells her that he has crushed his ideals. Oh boo hoo. Someone should crush his face! This is funny, though:
Good one, Dan. You’re bored, and I ruined your pants.
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, all of this behind-the-scenes tension and high-stakes manipulation makes for FIREWORKS on the stage.
Womp womp. The play is probably ruined, right? The director, who blah blah, Serena has a crush on, Cyrano de Bergerac, etc, etc, yells at the students about how they ruined his play. Even guest cameo New York Times critic Charles Isherwood probably hated it, right?
Especialy guest cameo New York Times critic Charles Isherwood. No, he loves it. Total mind-blowing deconstructionist re-interpretation meta-fart. Of course. The director tries to take credit as if that was his plan all along! He is a jerk! Serena can’t believe she had a crush on him! He can’t either, because he is gay. Serena sends out basically the best text message:
Man, that is such a smart text. The only thing smarter than that text is the face Serena makes when she sends it.
Job well done.
Meanwhile, Chuck Bass, something something, Eyes Wide Shut, blah blah, for someone as conniving and sly as he is, it’s surprising how easily he gets played by this mysterious call girl. I know that’s probably supposed to be the point, the ultimate manipulator finally getting a taste of his own snake oil, or whatever, and it’s true that he’s in high school and the grifter who rolls him is like, 35 years old, but still. Open your Eyes Wide Shut, Chuck Bass, this was too obvious. He goes to Blair for solace, but she is not there, because she’s getting hit on by the new Chuck Bass Dramatic Foil, Carter Braizen.
Perfect. Why didn’t they just name that guy Charlie Trout?
It’s back, you guys!
All of it.
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I’ve got something to say. Why doesn’t stereogum link you anymore. They used to. Do they hate you now for being more popular(to me).
I link to Videogum all the time! Has to be relevant to the Stereogum audience though. Sorry Gossip Girl.
I kind of want to have pedophilistic sex with this recap in the prop closet.
does nate say asshat in that clip? also did you see the commercial for dorota webisodes? i swear they read this review.
The only thing I’ve missed more than Chuck Bass’s increasingly-ridiculous outfits is Gabe’s recap. Excellent.
It’s not Miss Carr’s fault that she acts like a 17 year old. She’s from Iowa.
Someone explain. The episode that aired on Jan. 19th with “Yale Day” … didn’t everyone get their acceptance already? What exactly does “early acceptance” mean if people have already been accepted?
Or is Blair magically a Junior now and also dates the equally magical Tim Riggins?
Dude, you’re in the final stretch of season two, and you still don’t know that logic and reason and a linear timeline do not exist on this show?
I know I know, BUT this one is TOO BIG. Right?
I would have been fine with any discrepancies IF the one of the discrepancies was replacing the “Eyes Wide Shut” girl with Shelly Johnson.
i’m serious, dude, i’m going to send you the bill for the cardiologist for all the heart palpitations i have every time i see that picture of bob. it’s too much. TOO MUCH.
ok. I’m retarded and was over thinking thisssssssssss. I missed the part where only ONE girl got in early. whoops.
And Caring. Give me something better and I’ll change. I haven’t come up with anything.
I can’t believe Serena didn’t catch that the East Coast Brody Jenner was gay until the end.
she is blond!
Oh my god Gabe, I missed these so much.
And I’m pretty sure I knew the director was gay before I got Serena’s text, and I’ve never seen the show/seen the director. He’s a director of a play in a Josh Schwartz drama in New York. SHOCK
This episode was particularly boring, and the month-long hiatus didn’t help.
Gabe, do you actually think it’s sooo horrible for a 23 year old girl to have sex with an 18 year old boy? Yes yes, teacher and all that, but…really?
you should make a “vitamin water” tag for these recaps.
When nate forgot his lines, the only thing i could think was “how did this behind the scenes footage make it to air?”
just died over serena’s face.
i feel like they make this show (and RHoNYC) just so something can be blogged about the next day.
I thought Miss Carr had gotten her job back? Right? If so, then it wouldn’t be that weird for her to be at the rehearsal.
actually all the ivy league schools announce their decisions on march 31st at 5pm est, so technically yuki found out roughly 15 days early. what’s more illogical is why yale would only take one girl early decision from the “highly-esteemed” Constance Billiard?
Gabe, this was perfect.
Oh god I LOVE this show (and these recaps). My favorite moment? Definitely Dan and Rufus in the kitchen. “Oh son, I’m sorry I got mad at you for fucking your teacher. Here, have this hagen daaz!” Never ceases to amaze me.
You know, I usually look forward to watching GG just so I can come here to read the recaps.
And by the way, the Eyes Wide Shut secret society tattoos are stamps they get when they go in, not tattoos, I think Chuck mentions it in the last episode.
“Don’t forget to stamp your hand if you want to get back in!” I always forget how secret societies work like amusement parks. Would it be wrong to assume that the masked hookers are the rides?
we need more hours in the day, and less of a personal life for gabe so he can write recaps for every show on television. i don’t have a tv, but this means i don’t really need to, because i feel confident he’s getting all the most important points.
did no one else find rufus, home alone at the kitchen table eating haagen daaz with a spoon, to be fucking hilarious?
i spent every moment gabe and vanessa were on screening gagging, glad that wasn’t recapped because no one cares! i’m kind of excited for blair and carter craven or whatever. everyone on gossip girl is dating each other in real life (chuck and vanessa, dan and serena, blair and carter), so it’ll be interesting to see how Leighton and Sebastien work together.
LOL i meant nate and vanessa. woops, that was weird.
What’s with everyone saying Vanessa is “a great filmmaker” but no one’s ever really seen any of her films? She’s always filming these “documentaries”, but really, I think she’s just a freak.
She’s just making pornos
Why was the last pic circled?
And why didn’t Dan question the teacher’s values when he was fucking her?
O HAI TEACH, PEDOSEX IN LE SWANKY CLOSETE? THE UPPER EAST SIDE ISN’T THE ONLY REGION I SORT OF KNOW MY WAY AROUND..