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We all love Andy Rooney. That’s a given. And we’ve all watched and noted, in recent years, that Andy Rooney seems to have, either due to advanced age or simply a dearth of annoying things in the world, begun to phone it in (no doubt on one of those new-fangled tiny phones). He’s very old, and that’s his right. Andy’s segment is as entertaining as ever, it’s just gradually morphed into another form of entertainment. But all that said, last night’s segment, ostensibly about the calendar (yep, just “the calendar”) went off the fucking rails into complete absurdity. I’m sorry, but this is it, this is the moment. It wasn’t “watches” or “umbrellas” or “stupid gifts sent to me by my stupid fans.” Nope, it’s “the calendar,” or as I like to call it “fill two minutes with sentences, any sentences.” Oh, Andy. I’m sorry:
It’s still entertaining, though, but more in a “Can you believe he’s still talking??” kind of way. It’s like an elementary school book report when all you have to say about the book is “It was fine.” We need, as a culture, to come up with some more ridiculous and/or inconvenient things for Andy to complain about. Can someone please introduce him to Twitter?
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Oh gosh, September as an ending? I don’t think I’ll ever get out of the routine of thinking of September as the beginning of the year, because of school. September’s also the beginning of fall, which is my favourite season. Some people call fall “autumn”, and that’s fine, but it’s always been “fall” to me. It’s almost spring now, which is lovely, because of all the blooming flowers. I bought some flowers today, although I couldn’t tell you what kind. They were just pretty, and looked nice in my basket beside the green grapes. I love grapes. Sometimes I just sit in front of the TV watching Corrie and eat an entire bag of grapes. I asked my doctor if it was possible to eat too much fruit, and he said that to the best of his knowledge, no it wasn’t. That’s a good thing, since I love fruit. Especially eating fruit in front of the TV. There are worse things I could be eating, I suppose! Anyway, I’d best be off, it’s almost time for my injection.
hahahahaha
and to Mr. Andy Rooney:
hahahahaha, wtf
Wind is strange. Sometimes it blows too hard, sometimes too soft. Sometimes it doesn’t blow at all, even when you need it to. Which is what’s confusing about cottage cheese. It’s tasty to some people, but not others, not like parties. Everyone loves parties. You can spend time with your friends and family. You can serve classy food like caviar, or fun food like pizza. Either way, you need to put on shoes. Shoes have laces, but some shoes don’t have laces. Who decides what type of footwear gets laces, and what types don’t?
Before I watched this I was going to say “This moment happened a long time ago.” But wow. Even at his worst he always managed to keep his topics down to just two or three. This was the most insanely meandering essay I’ve ever heard. It goes from lulls in the calendar to favorite/least favorite months to weird spellings to weather patterns to Hollywood product to women’s fashion. And I think I’m leaving out something.
But “I don’t like endings” is a little poignant. I think Andy is either referring to his own mortality or the end of his sanity.
I was just about to say the same thing. Like “what’s so special about this one?” But he’s ALL over the fucking map. Are we sure this isn’t just cut up video of old segments?
I just refuse to believe that there are that many people watching 60 minutes who are as upset about umbrellas as this guy. What is the justification?
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I’ve only ever seen one segment of his and didn’t know what the heck was going on. I literally went and told someone, “There’s a crazy old man on TV who doesn’t like magazines!”
Football used to start in October. Now it starts before the baseball World Series is over.
Umm, seeing as how the World Series has traditionally ended in late October, I’m going to venture to guess that football has started before the end of the WS for a long, long time.
If you think about it, Andy Rooney is the original vlogger, and last night’s episode was just the apotheosis of the craft. Out-nonsense that, sexman!
Give it another 5-10 years and this will be Gabe. Senilegum.com
Oh, I can’t wait to be old. Then people will have to listen when I spout my nonsense.
I wear the same suit all year. And I only wash it once….in September.
What happened to grandpa’s brain? This was pure poetry.
“i’m always surprised how each month is spelled”
i wish the world could seem as new and exciting to us everyday as it does to Andy Rooney.
Heehee, women don’t worry about staying warm when they get dressed.
This reminds me of that PSA or whatever about telephone etiquette with that up-tight lady who sounded like she was reading a 5th-grader’s persuasive essay. “I think February should be spelled Febuary. I think people would say they like April more than June.”
lol it was right when I heard “MOVIES” that I was like LOL WHAT WHAT
also clothes? being warm? More clothes in cold weather? No, probably not, he laughs.
WHAAAAAAAAT
This video is probably the best thing that happened to me all day. Sad.
Sweet Jeebus. I kept waiting for his face to completely slide off of his head.
I always hate when my face slides onto the floor. See, it’s in my shoes. I was always from the school of thought that shoes should be hard and uncomfortable but, darn it, I just can’t get enough of that ribbon candy the way my mother used to get it. I like the smell of mothballs. You don’t get smells like that in today’s fancy restaurants. Once, about 6 years ago, after I ate at the Waffle House, I found a buffalo nickel outside of Macy’s. It was hot that day. It’s too bad you can’t buy a buffalo nickel’s worth of good ribbon candy anymore.
…..I love the smell of february on cbs.
Rooney, face sliding, lip unraveling….
oh…sorry..under sniper fire…must…hit….send…..
I like March. You use all the letters when you say the name and it’s a verb. May is also a verb, but do you say the “y”? June isn’t a verb, but it’s still a nice month. I had an Aunt who was nice, but she’s dead now. Everybody dies. Unless you believe in Jesus or Santa Claus. Santa comes in December of course, not March. Did you ever notice how the “c” in December sounds like an “s”? Why is that? We don’t say “Ostober” or “Marsh”. If we did say “marsh” I guess we wouldn’t know if we were talking about months or bogs. Speaking of bogs, have you ever been in a swamp in tennis shoes? You know how your feet get wet? I don’t like that. Something else I don’t like is cancer. My Aunt didn’t die of cancer though. She died from Dutch Elm disease. She wasn’t an Elm of course but she was Dutch. The Rooney’s were all Dutch, but we didn’t wear wooden shoes. If we did, our feet probably wouldn’t have gotten wet in the swamp. That’s probably why my Aunt got Dutch Elm disease–wet feet. Her name was “May”, which is funny, because May is a month and a very AND a name. June is a month and a name, but not a verb. You can’t June somebody. If you could, what would that look like? June is the start of summer, when the Rooneys used to go out into the bogs. Speaking of summer, did you ever wonder….”
did anyone else feel a little depressed at the end, like they cut him off before he could finish his sentence?
“I wear the same suit all year, please feed me”
I am convinced this is a coded message about how he is being abused and starved by that bitch Katie Kouric.
“Didja ever wonder?….” How much Andy Rooney makes? I think based on his seniority at a major TV network it must be in the high six figures, maybe even a cool million. And that is a national disgrace.
He’s like the Girl Talk of news anchors.