I am going to be a perfect old man. I’ve already got the whole complaining thing down, all I need now is the inherently limited number of years left to live that confronts people with their own mortality so that they can’t, or at least won’t, say shit. “Let him say what he wants, we’re not going to change him now. Besides, he is so old! It is a wonder that he is not dead.” I will sit on my hover porch yelling at all of the robochildren to get off of my space lawn.

But there is one thing that I will never do, and that is complain about how things aren’t as good as they used to be. I recognize the steady march of progress. The world is a mean, mostly terrible place, but it’s still less mean and less terrible than it used to be. (All of this clear-eyed optimism about the ineluctibility of human advancement goes out the window the second Cormac McCarthy’s The Road moves from dark fable to unbearable reality.) My point is that nostalgia is predicated on lies, everyone self-centeredly believes that their period of cultural relevance was the best, and nothing is sacred.

And that’s a good thing. Because if nostalgia was actually valuable, and if the tarnishing of childhood memories was something that mattered, the new Indiana Jones movie has the power to destroy a generation. Via suicide.

So, Indiana Jones is back, and now it is 20 years after The Second To Last Crusade and the Russians have kidnapped him and taken him to Area 51 where all of America’s secrets are stored in crates (because secrets, as a rule, are always physical objects, and they are always stored in wooden crates). They find a secret that is highly magnetic and then there is a chase and then Indiana Jones gets into a refrigerator because of that is how you are safe from nuclear bombs duh. Then Shia LaBeouf takes a break from being an extra in a Stray Cats video from 1985 to tell Indiana Jones that his surrogate father-figure has sent him a letter about finding a long lost ancient skull and they go to Peru and fight some capoeira trolls in a graveyard and find the skull and it is made out of crystal. Indiana Jones says that no man-made tools could craft a skull like this out of crystal, because he’s not just a professor of archaeology and an adventurer, he’s also a Genius About Crystal Carving. Also, it is magnetic just like the secret at Area 51 so now Indiana Jones says “huh?” to himself like he is putting the pieces together. But when they get out of the graveyard they are captured again by the Russians who tell Indiana Jones everything, because that is what you do with people you consider your enemy, and they explain that the skull is from an alien with a crystal skeleton and that if it is returned to a secret temple in a Mayan city of gold that whoever returns it will gain control of a powerful weapon. Then it turns out that the Russians have kidnapped Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark and that she is Shia LaBeouf’s mom and that now Indiana Jones is his dad. Whoa. I would be surprised if that plot twist alone didn’t earn some kind of Oscar for Most Incredible Plot Twist You Could Never See Coming No Matter How Smart You Were. They escape and then some Russians get eaten by killer ants. Then Indiana Jones and all his friends drive a car off of a waterfall. Then they find the city but its not made of gold and the ancient temple is filled with FUCKING ALIENS and the Russians show up again and Cate Blanchett’s eyes catch on fire and it turns out that the city made of gold was actually made of knowledge, and that knowledge will catch your face on fire. Careful! As we know, the human brain can only safely store 160 gigabytes at a time.

This entire movie feels like an Indiana Jones fan fiction written by a 12-year-old. It is sloppy and tone deaf and has a scene involving quicksand in it. And did I mention the fucking ALIENS? I’m surprised they didn’t have penises for hands and that their secret wasn’t how to get unlimited Mountain Dew for the rest of your life.

The opening scene really sets the wait-a-second-is-this-a-joke tone for the next two hours.

He just looks so…old. They try to acknowledge this fact and turn it into part of the film’s charm, like 2006′s Rocky Balboa. Shia LaBeouf keeps calling him “grandpa.” Except that you could kind of believe that Rocky would get back in the ring because a) he’s stupid, and b) Sylvester Stallone still takes more HGH than most of the contestants on Tool Academy. With an aging Indiana Jones, all I could think was “jumping down from that ledge must be hard with those creaky knees.” All of the action seems slowed down to accomodate Harrison Ford’s decline into old age.

I feel like a lot of people’s major complaint with this movie, besides it being terrible, is the previously mentioned nostalgia factor. The movie feels like a slap in the face to a lot of Indiana Jones fans who have invested a great deal of child-like (or ish) enthusiasm into this franchise and don’t like having subpar garbage tarnishing the good Indiana Jones name. Sure. Except that the movie goes out of its way to run roughshod over what came before. I mean, during the escape from the warehouse sequence, the Russians actually RUN OVER THE ARK OF THE COVENANT. Later, in another chase sequence, the Russians hit a statue of Marcus Brody, who you may remember as Indiana Jones’s friend and surrogate father figure, and the statue’s HEAD FALLS OFF. Steven Spielberg seems to take pleasure in smashing through the detritus of the film’s legacy, which normally would be something I could support and applaud if only a halfway decent movie was left in its wake. But in this case it does sort of seem like tearing down a national monument in order to put up a Taco Bell.

Then, of course, there’s the “nuke the fridge” thing.

Now, I will admit that this is an incredibly ridiculous scene, and it deserves to be mocked, but somehow it seems out of proportion that this moment has gained all the attention in a movie that features Mayan aliens. And how is that I went eight months without having seen this movie, and yet no one happened to mention the part when SHIA LABEOUF USES A SNAKE AS A ROPE TO PULL INDIANA JONES OUT OF A SAND PIT. What is this, a Keenan and Kel movie? And you don’t have to hate snakes with an Indiana Jonesian passion to have a problem with using a snake as a rope. Because that’s just weird. And stupid. And really stupid.

The saddest thing about a movie like this is the fact that it doesn’t really matter what we think. It made a jizzillion dollars despite being horrible, and it was always going to make a jizzillion dollars. Spielberg likes to travel in style so he put a helipad inside his limousine so he could hover while he drove, and George Lucas got that solid gold beard trimmer he’d had his eye on.

It was the definition of Hollywood’s disregard for the audience in service to cash money at its worst, but ultimately there’s no one to blame but ourselves. Just kidding. Do you know how many people worked on this movie? Let’s blame them.

Then again, the climactic ending of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was kind of a metaphor for what it felt like watching the movie, so maybe they did know what they were doing:

Next week: A.I. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (124)
  1. As one of the hundreds who recommended this piece of shit, I’m glad that A) it finally made the list and B) I wasn’t the only one who thought the snake-rope bit was the WORST. I really want to to all Iraqi-journo and throw a shoe at all involved. They should be ashamed of themselves but at this point they’re so far behind their solid gold gates that they have no idea how hated they’ve become.

  2. Zack  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +10

    A.I.?! Really?! I mean it’s flawed and is definitely a love it or hate it affair, but haven’t the entirety of the comments sections been all for:

    The Last Kiss, Garden State (anything with Zach Braff I guess), Running with Scissors, etc.

    Maybe you should listen to the readers.

  3. missmle  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +2

    a.k.a. Indiana Jones and the Interdimensional Beings.

  4. The worst movie of all time has got to be “The Night Porter” from 1974, because, unlike “Indy 4″–despite it’s shortcomings–is not fun to watch at all.. It’s a “love story” in 1950s Vienna about a former SS guard working as the titular character in a hotel, when the young woman he kept as a sex slave during the war walks back into his life. After stalking her at an opera, he goes to her room one night, and they rekindle their old dynamic, spending the rest of the film fucking and hiding–in his own apartment–from his Nazi pals, who want the girl dead. Now, the film is well-shot and there’s good acting from a very sexy Charlotte Rampling, but the pathos of it is so laughably misguided. There’s very little explanation in the movie as to why she would leave her well-to-do husband for her former tormentor (who creepily refers to her as “my little girl”). A bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, I guess? It’s kind of reminiscent of another infamous mid-70s film, “Salo”, in that it purports to be “about something”, but in reality it’s just an excuse for the director to be lurid and “shocking” without there being any real social commentary of value. (“A Clockwork Orange” and “Straw Dogs”, on the otherhand, are two examples of films from the same era that succeed in the areas that “The Night Porter” and “Salo” fail at.) I did like the ending of the film, though, when the two characters are shot dead.

  5. Bridget  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +4

    If Garden State and Elizabethtown had a Lamborghini race for pink slips claiming ownership to being the WORST, Garden State would win that shit hands down.

    soulja boy tell ‘em or something

  6. What about the fact that Shia Lebeuf SWUNG THROUGH THE JUNGLE on vines and LED A MONKEY ARMY?!?!?!?!

    • matt  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +3

      not to mention the fact that he swung SO FAST on those vines that he caught up with a car driving down the side of a mountain while being shot at

    • Elias  |   Posted on Feb 28th, 2009 +1

      f-ing thank you!!! I totally agree!!! for me that was the most ridiculous scene! cant believe that shit!

  7. bd  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 -2

    So far, I still think Elizabethtown is deservedly number 1, but I think I’ve got a contender for a new champion: MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS. It’s actually like the chick version of Elizabethtown, or maybe just that unbearable road trip montage at the end expanded into an unbearable full-length feature. Seriously, give this one a shot. I bet you might not even get through this one.

  8. file under: soulless sequel. therefore an easy cash-in and not eligible for “the worst movie”.

    And finally: A.I.! I’m so looking forward to next week :D

  9. NotAnon  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +2

    (I?m not an expert in HTML so if my spoiler shows up, sorry. Skip ahead duh.)

    Oh, man, the worst part is when Indy is in the quicksand and he yells at the demented professor to go get help, then the professor comes back with the Nazis. Well fucking no way! You mean in the middle of the fucking jungle, a few hundred yards from the Nazis you just escaped from, he only found the fucking Nazis to help him? Who could have seen THAT SHIT COMING???

  10. This movie is so, so terrible. I loved the Indy movies as a kid, and (with the exception of temple of doom) they are actually very good movies, so it’s not even the nostalgia factor that makes them great and this terrible. Indy 4 is literally shit on celluloid. And the swingng on the vine part was utterly ridiculous, but kinda like the shit icing on a crapcake.

  11. YES yes 1000 times yes. It was like every time the movie started to inch its way slowly back into my favor (from -1033 favor) it would pull something like the stupid monkey thing. They just stole that out of about every Disney cartoon from the mid nineties.

    The only thing that even felt like it belonged to the Indiana series was the chase through the college town. And even that included the part where they decapitated the Marcus Brody statue. C’mon Brody is dead in the movie world and in real life, show him a little respect!

  12. Selena  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +2

    Thank you Gabe… I actualy have friends who say, “it wasn’t so bad.” From now on I will just point them to this article-hopefully you’ll get through to them.
    Shia- swung through the trees with monkeys for Christ’s sake, jeep goes over hug water fall and is saved by a stunted tree branch. and Aliens!!! WTF!

    It’s not so much that it was a dissapointing cap on one of my favorite nostalgic franchises (even though it was.) It is just, quite simply, a shitty movie. That’s just FACT! Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is solid gold compared to it.

  13. courtney  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    I remember when I went to see this with my mother because we were both huge Indy series fans and when we left we talked the whole time about how now baby mamma drama is the new loophole of suspense for Hollywood. Couldn’t they have made Shia LeBouf somebody else like maybe Marcus’ son? It would’ve been a little less predictable. And yea the whole alien scene with Cate Blanchett made me wonder about her for a while. How stupid could that get?

  14. Adam Bruneau  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +5

    Yeah, this is definitely a soulless sequel, not the worst movie ever. I agree that all the jokes are horrible and the plot is ridiculous but the plots of the other three are pretty ridiculous, they just had the charm to pull it off. That shot of my childhood hero Indiana Jones watching an atomic mushroom cloud is one of the most surreal things I have ever seen in a movie theater.

  15. Violet  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    Gabe, I’m lovin’ The Road references!

  16. KENNY   |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    Torque… worst movie EVER

  17. Garden State is not THAT bad you guys. I found it more than tolerable.

    THE LAST KISS IS REALLY THE WORST. Zach Braff is your boyfriend.

    I will say The Last Kiss every single week until you do it, Gabe. COME ON.

    • Robert  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +3

      I’ve been saying the Last Kiss too for weeks now too! Don’t let up! The campaign for this movie cannot end. Justice must be served.

    • yeah, the movie sucked and everything.
      but where did you take that picture of those delicious macaroons???! yum!

    • those macaroons look so delicious!!!

      • Taken at Ladurée in Paris. I would watch The Last Kiss forty times in a row followed immediately by a Saw marathon if I could have one good French macaron right now….

  18. Harriet  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    AI is definitely one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Honestly, I wanted to punch Spielberg’s face in after seeing that piece of crap. And I bet Kubrick could have made a great movie out of it, with his ice-cold heart.

    • Yes, although I blame George Lucas for the aliens.

      • i don't understand  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 -2

        They weren’t aliens. It’s so weird that people assume the robots at the end were aliens because of the shape of their heads or something. There are real flaws in A.I. and yet everybody makes themselves look dumb by acting like there were aliens in it instead of pointing to something lame in that movie that was actually there.

  19. Julie  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    “The Last Kiss”
    ZACH BRAFF CHEATS ON HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND. Enough said. Oh, and did I mention Zach Braff is in it?

  20. zeke  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    AI? Is february Spielberg depreciation month? Oh wait…
    I saw Indiana Jones and have no recollection of any of the plot points above. Complete garbage.
    Carry the fire, Gabe!

  21. oh god, this movie. I saw it twice, the second time with my best friend because I knew she would understand how bad it was, and we were groaning and shielding our eyes the whole time.

    Poor John Hurt, how did he say that line!
    Indy: Are they from outer space?
    John Hurt: no…. they’re from the space… between spaces…
    WHAT.

    also, how did he magically become not insane?!

    And Cate Blanchett, I love you, you have amazing skin, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT ACCENT.

    oh! and “Jonesy!”, shut up. everyone.
    p.s. I still love you Shia.

  22. nick  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    A.I. is actually a decent movie. Granted it could have ended with him being stuck forever in true Kubrick fashion. Please to reconsider.

    • Um…no. Did you forget about Jude Law? Or the robot smash-up derby? Or the fact that Teddy Ruxpin saved a lock of hair and the world turns to ice and everyone is dead and the aliens show up and all they can do is bring back one day – but at the end we’re all still dead? Blue Fairy?… fuck off. This movie is Top 5 worst.

  23. Selena  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 -2

    OOH and Hooray for A. I. – Terrible movie.
    When Steven Spielberg lays an egg- he lays the biggest eggs ever (rotten ones.)

    A completely, retarded take on Pinnochio.

    I only remember that I wanted every human in this movie to die- the mother and father characters especially. I kind of don’t want to remember it further, but I am sure your recap will be worth the dredging up of bad movie memories.

  24. Krista  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    Black Knight. It was the only movie I’ve ever gotten drunk for and STILL got up and walked out of the theater.

  25. First Lucas had to ruin Star Wars and then he went for Indiana Jones. I guess we should all be thankful that at least he hasn’t gone back and CGI’d the shit out of the old ones like he did Star Wars. You know this shitbomb is mostly his fault because it has stink all over it (rotten ham). Stupid shit like laughing CGI creatures that have nothing to do with the plot and endless, unsubtle references to his older (read: better) movies stain the entire film. Shia Ladouche as Indy’s son is completely unbelievable. No way that mouthbreathing hack is Harrison Ford’s son. Why did they even bring back Marion. I thought of Indy as an American James Bond so I liked that he had a different woman in every movie. Her appearance wouldn’t have been so bad if she had at least done more than fart around in the background of every scene practically shouting “Remember me”. This thing (I now refuse to call it a movie or worse yet entertainment) deserves to be shunned and forgotten.

  26. Flen  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    I’m sure It’s godawful when rented and watched in the vicinity of your own comfy bathroom… but multiply that by, oh, every bad thing that ever existed and you’ll have some idea of how it was to watch it at a company event where you had to sorta smile without breaking your teeth off.

    That said, at least it gave us Crystal Skull Vodka. I think. Anyway, Aykroyd’s crazy commercial almost makes watching this Spielberg self-immolation worthwhile. (No it doesn’t.)

    • Selena  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +3

      Crystal Skull Vodka is horrible!!!!
      Dan Akroyd, your are one sneaky bastard. You totally, not only got me to drink nail polish remover, you got my friends brother to pay an exhorbitant amount of money for it. Although, I admit the container was cool; the next time I want to drink rubbing alcohol- I’ll just go to a discotech in Tijuana.

  27. This movie would have been greatly improved with a choreographed musical number.

  28. “They were digging in the dirt, looking for the stuff.”

  29. Jim  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    I think I am the only person in the world who was actually pleased by this movie. You all went into it with such high expectations, that is the problem, do that with the fourth installation of any well-liked series and you are bound to be disappointed. My take is that I went in expecting an INDIANA JONES MOVIE, with Harrison fucking Ford, ludicrous actions sequences, a stodgy professor (or two), awkward misogyny, a dummy sidekick all coming to the conclusion that Yahweh and/or Aliens are what is behind an age old archaeological trope. AND THAT IS WHAT I GOT AND I LIKED IT! Next time you watch this movie, thank Spielberg for sparing us another Brendan Fraser movie with silly action sequences, The Rock, total political correctness, a smartypants sidekick and a conclusion that explains nothing more than that studios have lots of money to blow on CGI.

    • There we go! It wasn’t the best in the series, but this was still a decently fun movie. I wanted an absoludicrous Jones adventure with explosions and ridiculous action and weird historical footnotes, and that’s what I saw! People have it all wrong. Indiana Jones isn’t the American James Bond, he’s the American Flashman. He lucks into history all over the place, gets beat up doing it, and escapes by the skin of his teeth. Honestly, I hope there’s a fifth one pretty soon, because then we can get Indiana VS. the Red Chinese or dealing with Maori legends. Bring it on, because even this bad entry was more entertaining than ninety percent of everything out there.

      • Jim  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 -2

        Hey, I’m not alone! Seriously, if there really is a ‘painful’ movie in this series, its temple of doom. As cool as it is to pull a beating heart out of someone’s chest with your bare hands, it just doesn’t beat face-melting. Also, temple of doom isn’t awkwardly misogynist, its offensively misogynist. Watch that movie too many times in a row and you are domestic abuse case waiting to happen.

  30. Kathleen  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    I remembered a movie that might be worse than The Last Kiss: A Hole in One, where Michelle Williams, who’s married to Meat Loaf (who’s a gangster) in the 1950s, wants to get a transorbital lobotomy. An elderly couple and I were the only people in the theater, and we just looked at each other and started laughing when it was over. However, it’s a “black comedy,” so it might be awful on purpose. The Last Kiss, meanwhile, made me so mad I had to go home and blog about it on MySpace.

  31. jacob  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 0

    you have NO idea what you’re getting yourself into with A.I.
    it’s one of those movies where you actually feel like you’ve been watching during the 10,000 years in which the ludicrous plot takes place.

  32. I kinda enjoyed this when I watched it, though I acknowledged the silly parts (Rough Leboeuf brachiating, aliens ALIENS!), and I actually kinda liked Shia (though again, he was silly). Maybe that I watched it for free online let me turn off my brain and not be outraged. I’d probably hate it if I paid $8 to see it.

  33. john   |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 -2

    i can’t wait until someone from Cloverfield moves up to B movie status, so that can be nominated and therefore win. until then, how about Crank?

  34. Antonio Banderas' Ghost From The Future  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    BALLISTIC: ECKS VS SEVER!

  35. eff tee dubya  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    fucking monkeys

  36. ThomBoh  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    Max Payne

    please.

  37. west  |   Posted on Feb 2nd, 2009 +1

    Crystal Skull was bad, don’t get me wrong, but its seriously not THAT different from the original movies. There is tons of wacky shit falling and Nazis melting.

    I’m sure kids today don’t think it was a shit bomb. It’s kind of just like the relation between the original Star Wars and the original Indiana Jones. Kids ate that shit with a spoon in the 70′s and 80′s and now kids are all about Star Wars again. I don’t know so much about Crystal Skull but the only little kid I know, my sister, loves it and now she loves the original so go figure.

    Can’t wait for A.I. my friend and I argue about this movie all the time. He loves it, I loathe it.

  38. franky  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +2

    Anyone who is defending A.I. report to jail immediately. We’re talking about a movie where Jude Law is the only slightly believable character, and he’s playing a robot whore. A.I is the worst thing Spielberg ever did, and that’s in a world where the movie above exists,

  39. The extra slap-in-the-face about this movie was that the very first scene, with the kids trying to race the soldiers, was so fun and classically Spielbergian that I actually thought the whole movie might turn out good. Not so.

    Also, the Crystal Skull looked like it was filled with plastic wrap.

  40. ian  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 0

    Look whos talking too. It makes me feel physically ill.

  41. Oh god yes. Although I think I may have missed half of the alien/monkey/quicksand moments because I was transfixed with Karen Allen’s girdle lines and puppet mouth. HOW OLD IS THAT BROAD? She wasn’t even attractive 20 years ago, why on earth would they bring her back???

    And wasn’t she the whack job who went wandering through people’s backyards all cracked out a few years ago? Or maybe that was more than a few years ago.

    Shia looked totally out of place in this Lucas-jism of a flick. Maybe that’s why the paper bag on his head stunt.

    • RobinRubbermaid  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +3

      You’re thinking of Margot Kidder. Or else you’re thinking of Anne Heche.

      But anyway, people get old. You should get used to looking at old people because you’ll be one of them someday.

  42. This movie may have one of the worst lines ever delivered near its end.
    “Where did they go? Space?”
    “No. Space between spaces.”

    • Apologies.
      This has been mentioned by other insightful post cronies.
      But seriously, could we nominate fucking City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold?

  43. While we’re in George Lucas territory, I’d recommend any of those new Star Wars. I wasn’t really a fan of the first ones, but they were entertaining in the way they were intended to be. Those new ones (I only saw one and a half) failed miserably. Stiff acting from actors capable of much better, cluttered action scenes and CGI, and THE WORST WRITING EVER. The dialog in these piles is painful to sit through.

  44. RobinRubbermaid  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +1

    Looking forward to next week. Just so we’re clear on how bad A.I. is, Armond White (the guy who coined the word “abortionhorny”) named it the best movie of 2001.

  45. How about the monkey with the similar hair-do as Shia?

    And the gophers!?!?!

    Awful.

  46. H.F.G.  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 0

    Can I second, forth, and fifth Crank. That movie was so god-awful I wanted to turn it off. My ex, however, wanted to continue watching. I finished watching and now he’s my ex, coincidence? I think not. Plus they have the nerve to be making a sequel. A SEQUEL!!!!! WTF, Hollywood, go to jail, all of you!!!

  47. Jooooooooe  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 0

    OMG.
    I’ve seen “The Last Kiss” referenced in so many of these comment sections without realizing what it was. An ex-gf made me see this movie on opening night when I was near black-out drunk. Thanks to the above comments I now remember what a god-awful self-indulgent fuck fest of a film it was. TWMOAT.

  48. henry  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 0

    I have to second/third/whatever Crank as well. it was truly awful. Along with Anchorman, it’s one of the few movies that we couldn’t sit through even out of morbid curiosity.
    Also, I’d like to nominate ‘Margot at the Wedding’. I think it is possibly the most Pretentious movie of all time.

  49. dr. jones  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +1

    I can’t comment on the quality of this film, because, let’s face it, I was hammered.

  50. allthekindsofworst  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +3

    I guarantee you, by all that is gold in my house, that BALLISTIC: ECKS VS SEVER and BUTTERFLY EFFECT will destroy all the other nominees like tsunami of bad taste. There will be no survivors.

  51. NewarkWilder88  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 -8

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • butt hair  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +1

      I’ll admit that most of these are just making fun of a movies ridiculous premise (which a lot of movies have,) but this is THE SEARCH for the worst movie ever. none of these movies have been declared the worst ever…

      plus, i think for a movie to be considered “the worst” i think more than five people would have to see it ever like most of the movies you listed

    • Meredith  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 -1

      Are you high?

    • TD  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 +1

      While I like this series, I agree that the name is misleading. These are bad movies but the truly worst movies are made by unknowns staring unknowns (and for a reason). I wish the series would start including ‘outsider art.’

    • Julie  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 -1

      Fuck off. Why would I want to read a “review” of a movie I’ve never seen? What would be the fun in that? Sure, Gabe could fucking nerd out and scour the internet for some stupid piece of crap movie made in 1978 with a budget of $20, but that is way too much effort. Then we would all have to download that piece of crap and watch it to be able to get any of his references. I love “The Hunt…” because I HAVE seen most of the movies Gabe reviews.
      Also, this isn’t fucking SIGHT & SOUND. Gabe isn’t reviewing these as an academic or critical exercise, he write them as a way of entertaining others. And judging by the fact that “The Hunt” is always the most viewed thing on this site, I’d guess that people are very entertained by what he writes.
      As some who as also majored in film studies (UGH, but Newark pulled that shit first) I can honestly say that I don’t believe A.I. is a good film. During lunch with A.O. Scott 2 years ago, he revealed to me that he regretted giving the film such a glowing review. That movie is so crappy I assumed you were just some TROLL.

  52. esade  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 -2

    Well said, Newark. Clearly, these aren’t the worst movies in the world, but are being labeled as such to get readers. But hyperbole is a great way to get people on your site. Although, Indiana Jones did really suck.

  53. Casey  |   Posted on Feb 3rd, 2009 +3

    Any movie in which Haley Joel Osment plays a robot child (with a robot teddy bear sidekick) that wants to be a real boy HAS to be a contender for Worst Move of All Time.

  54. Nagrom  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 0

    You forgot the prairie dog reaction shots.

  55. Daisy  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 -1

    Oh geez…I haven’t seen this movie but my brothers have-they’re big Indian Jones fans…I just can’t take a movie seriously that has an old man (Harrison Ford) as a hero. Don’t get me started on Shia LaBeouf, his “I’m such a bad boy” image-man, He was on Disney Channel’s Even Stevens!! Not to mention the crappy special effects that I saw in the trailers. I liked the original three Indian Jones-a litlle crappy..but in a fun way…I don’t wanna see Steven Spielberg go back to revive his glory days!

    May I recommend a recent movie I saw? The Unborn, I was high and I still couldn’t enjoy that movie. It had crappy dialogue, crappy acting…I even found it a bit racist. Me and my two friends tried to be annoying to everyone else in the theatre by coughing loudly and talking…even screaming at the “scary” parts-whatever that may have been. It was just a badddd movie, I just kept repeating out loud, “I want my money back…and who pays for this??”

    P.S. I enjoyed your acknowledgement of Kenan and Kel…a bad movie thats good?..Good Burger, and I wasn’t even high

    • young people are such a treat.

      but seriously, it’s indianA jones, harrison ford isn’t really an “old man” though he probably is if you’re 15, and the first ones weren’t good in a bad way, they were good in a good way.

      also, it sucks when teenagers are assholes in theaters, and everyone except for teenagers thinks so. you’ll agree when you’re over 21, too, i think.

      • Daisy  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 0

        I understand what your saying. Not to say Harrison Ford isn’t a great actor he is-I just don’t want him to go back to the past…I hate remakes! Also…I’m not usually loud in theaters but with a movie that BAD you can’t help but be that way, but that’s what I get for going to see a thriller. I really wanted to walk out of the theater but I wasn’t anywhere near home.

  56. I would join that Facebook group. Terrible, horrible movie.

    Gabe, perhaps you could kill TWO terrible movies with one stone and do a Garden State/Last Kiss mashup. They’re basically the same swill anyway… Zach Braff directs himself to have sex with pretty brunettes who would never bang him in real life because UGH, wonders what it’s all about, Coldplay.

  57. you didn’t even mention the prairie dogs.

  58. mighty undies  |   Posted on Feb 4th, 2009 0

    I want to suggest Reign Over Me. But I guess Adam Sandler films don’t qualify.

  59. EPILLS  |   Posted on Feb 5th, 2009 0

    PLEASE POST 88 MINUTES…….MY LIFE IS STILL IN SHAMBLES AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE

  60. Steve Sanders  |   Posted on Feb 5th, 2009 +4

    The Love Guru.

    The Love Guru.

    I beg you please – The Love Guru.

    It features an Extreme song played by Mike Myers on sitar doing a horribly racist Indian impersonation.

    It features Timberlake and Alba – the most awesomely vacant pairing of pathetically vain celebots seen this side of Nicole and Paris.

    Burn this, burn this to hell.

    It is the glorious end of Mike Myers career.

  61. An egg in the uterus of angelina jolie  |   Posted on Feb 5th, 2009 0

    FEMME FATALE! Worst sex scene ever! 5 thrusts only!

  62. Bridget  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 -2

    I’d like to nominate Monster’s Ball. Peter Boyle is a total racist and Halle Berry can’t act! Also: epic sexxx between Berry and Mr. French-Fried Taters (mmhmm). Fun for the whole family!

  63. Brandon Douglas  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 0

    This movie is awful, I’m glad I got some joy out of it reading your review.
    Suggestions:

    Running with Scissors, Batman and Robin (gawd), 10,000 BC, and House on Haunted Hill

  64. Brandon Douglas  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 0

    Also, Fools Gold I walked out on. I thought that movie was a terrible fever dream, but I never woke up.

  65. Seriously, Solaris, Gabe. Someone would back me up if anyone else who had seen it hadn’t immediately dropped dead of boredom.

  66. Matt  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 0

    Speed 2: Cruise Control and Batman & Robin, I worked at a movie theater when this double feature of shit came out!

  67. Meredith  |   Posted on Feb 6th, 2009 +1

    Alright, this needs to be done and I’m afraid no one else will nominate it, so here goes: The Sex and the City movie. Please.

  68. ika  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 0

    all of these movies are gone with the wind good compared to THE APPLE, easily THE shittiest film ever made, ever. it’s fuckin’ logan’s run meets grease, and worse than BOTH of those pieces of shit.

  69. Leith  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 0

    How could you not mention the part where Shia Le’bouf swings from the vines like tarzan. I didn’t know I was watching a cartoon version of indiana jones.

  70. Have you done Eye of the Beholder yet?

  71. Anonymous  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 0

    Dune, plox.

  72. mighty undies  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 0

    I hope that no one suggested this one before….here it goes

    Return To Cold Mountain

    say no more

  73. scaredoftriangles  |   Posted on Feb 7th, 2009 0

    August Rush please. Ive never experienced anything like it.

  74. DaneCookMustGo  |   Posted on Feb 8th, 2009 0

    What a waste of Cate Blanchett. Not to mention five bucks and two hours of my life that would have been better spent masturbating to Cate Blanchett – which, actually, I started doing halfway through the movie, because, fuck it, i might as well get something for my five bucks, and everyone else had already walked out of the theatre anyway.
    But this movie doesn’t suck half as hard as any of 1990s Ben Stiller’s misguided attempts at drama. Let’s all hate on Reality Bites and, {cringe}, Your Friends and Neighbours. Am I the only one who has nightmares about Jason Patrick after seeing that movie?

  75. AnonyMust  |   Posted on Feb 9th, 2009 0

    I will give another vote for the abysmal “The Last Kiss”, but would also like to see your take on Cameron D’s “The Sweetest Thing”.

  76. Amy  |   Posted on Feb 11th, 2009 0

    I can’t front. I never really liked the original Indiana Jones’ films because they were a bit too silly, and I watched this one, and yeah, it was pretty much what I expected, so I wasn’t heartbroken over it or anything. I really think a lot of the hate it received is based on the nostalgia factor.

  77. indiana jones doesn’t have aliens. period the end. that’s what really got to me.

  78. Chris Price  |   Posted on Feb 14th, 2009 0

    I’d like to humbly suggest these movies for consideration:

    Jumper
    The Stupids (with Tom Arnold)
    Spice World
    RV
    John Tucker Must Die (even though I’m not sure if there’s an A lister or B lister in there)
    The Golden Compass
    Turistas

    Hopefully you guys still read comments from older posts. These movies are disgustingly bad and somehow all made in to the theaters.

  79. Radacoin  |   Posted on Feb 17th, 2009 0

    “Indiana Jones says that no man-made tools could craft a skull like this out of crystal, because he’s not just a professor of archaeology and an adventurer, he’s also a Genius About Crystal Carving.”

    I don’t think you understand how movies work. You see, movies take an aspect of human life to focus on and exaggerate this aspect to make it entertaining. Viewers accept this exaggerated world because shitting on every single thing that happened in the movie that would not happen in real life makes all movies fucking suck. If you want reality, watch a documentary. Us normal people are willing to suspend disbelief in exchange for an escape into an exciting world where exciting things happen.

    While many of the things you point out are scenes in which we are asked to suspend our disbelief a little too much, this one is just ridiculous. I can just imagine you watching this movie and going, “HA! An archeologist with knowledge of crystal-carving tools, yeah right!! Like an archeologist would know anything about the tools used by ancient civilizations! Clearly they should have introduced a team of crystal carving experts who would have examined this skull for weeks in a lab before determining that it is beyond human carving capabilities. I am going to blog SO hard about this!!!”

  80. omar  |   Posted on Feb 19th, 2009 +1

    Did anyone mention that the mayans didn’t even live in Peru? Those were the incas. Of course, Indy is an archeologist. So why should he have a problem about a little (civilization like) detail?

    • mary  |   Posted on May 12th, 2009 0

      THANK YOU!
      also, i haven’t seen the movie but someone told me about a scene where Indy states that he learned quechua with pancho villa… WTF!?

  81. PhilMcKracken  |   Posted on Feb 19th, 2009 +2

    Although this was bad, real bad, I think the hatred for this movie stems from the destroying of a generally good series… I just don’t think anyone would be as pissed if this was the first Indiana Jones movie they’d seen – just sayin’ I put it in the same arena as Godfather III. That stunk like a house built out of chicken shit, stuffed with dead dogs and set on fire. I don’t think I’d hate it as much if I & II weren’t so great. Besides, has anyone seen “The Avengers” with Sean Connery? The worst movie I ever paid to see in a theater and that’s saying something considering and I also paid to see Highlander II in the theater. Yee-Uck!

  82. nasher  |   Posted on Feb 23rd, 2009 0

    It’s not a movie anyway, just a very long self funding advertisement for the computer game and theme park ride of the movie.

  83. Although I didn’t think it was that good, I don’t agree that it’s the worst movie ever! (“Army of Darkness” by far wins that award!!) ALL the Indy movies are kind of dumb, that’s what made them fun to watch!!
    And I really think it’s unfair to criticise Harrison Ford for aging!! COME ON, everyone ages! I don’t hear anyone complaining that Sean Connory is still making movies!? Or Anthony Hopkins!? You’re gonna get old eventually too buddy ;) Let’s just hope that people show you more respect than you give out.

    I was terribly disappointed with Shia LaBeouf’s performance!! I kept going back & forth ~ “it is him ….. nope it’s not ….. wait wait it is the Transformers kid ….. no it can’t be, the kid in Transformers was a better actor …… damn, it IS him, ugh!”

  84. Ok, this Indiana Jones wasn’t great, but I don’t understand some of the claims made against it. For one thing, when considering every scene that was in some way unbelievable, I think we are missing a basic point here: Since when has the point of ANY Indiana Jones movie been to have any believable parts? Have any of you closely watched any of the other Indiana Jones movies? Do you think it’s possible for someone to rip out a still-beating heart from another guy and then hold it until it bursts into flames? Can a 10-year-old drive a car? Is there a holy grail? Is it possible for a man to rapidly decompose and turn into a skeleton just from drinking from a cup? The Indiana Jones franchise has always asked us to suspend disbelief, and I really don’t see how this movie was THAT much more unbelievable than any of the others. Was it a shameless attempt by Spielberg and Lucas to cash in on the franchise? Of course.

  85. Idontlikeyou  |   Posted on Apr 16th, 2009 -2

    I actually thought this movie was ok, better than Temple of Doom. I liked the alien angle and you honestly didn’t expect that from Steven? Spielberg seems to know a lot more about the UFO/alien phenomena that the general public and he is obviously fascinated by the subject. I also liked all the throwbacks to the old movies.

    On to the real point, I have read a couple of your reviews and won’t be reading anymore. I find your attitude juvenile and your writing and thought processes sophomoric at best. I would watch Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a billion times before forcing myself to read another of your obvious attempts to sensationalize anger, spite and bile in an attempt to garner the attention of the ?sheeple? (the same idiotic bunch of people that think the atheist moron always being featured on YouTube is funny) . Basically your primary basis for not liking this movie was because so much of it wasn’t believable, um, did you expect this movie to be a documentary? Did you think that the other movies were ?believable??

    Honestly, we have enough ignorance and negativity in the world without you posting your sewage on the net. Try something else perhaps? I understand there are a couple positions that just opened up at a Dominos in NC.

  86. fingerquotes  |   Posted on Jun 11th, 2009 0

    Let’s not forget the hee-larious nuance of Indiana “the dawg was named Indiana” Jones having a son that went by the name Mutt. Oh Hollywood, I can’t stay mad at you!

  87. If you think this is one of — or the — worst movie of all time, you’re all morons and have clearly not seen enough movies in your lives. For starters, tune into Syfy any Saturday night. There you will find some of the TRULY worst movies of all time.

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