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New York Press film critic Armond White did a rundown of 2008′s best “better-than” movies, whatever the FUCK that means. Take it easy, Armond White. Not everything has to be a post-structuralist I-went-to-grad-school nightmare. But anyway, the list is a comparative analysis of the year in cinema. Fair enough. Except, um, I really feel like an intelligent and thoughtful film critic should probably be able to write a 25-word film synopsis without having to create entirely new and incredibly insane neologisms.
Happy Go Lucky BETTER THAN 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days Mike Leigh devises a thoroughly humane heroine (Sally Hawkins) whose anti-capitalist faith (deeper than bourgeois “feminism”) upbraids the pity-party of two abortionhorny Romanian co-eds.
HAHAHHAHA. What? That would be the worst paragraph ever written if it weren’t for “abortionhorny,” but now it’s just the nutsest (most nuts) paragraph ever written. What does “abortionhorny” even mean? Isn’t the point of making up a new word to clearly and concisely express something that would normally take an entire sentence or paragraph to explain? Yes, that is the point. But now I need, like, an entire book to explain what “abortionhorny” is. Shut up, Armond White.
Thanks for the tip, Gabe.
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They still publish the New York Press? Jesus. Only thing ever good in that thing was Matt Taibbi. Armond White is worse than reading dance-review-as-anti-bourgeois-screeds in teh Voice.
abortionhorny is not the only reason Armond White should shut up.
I wish, though will not request a Videogum Promise for Armond White to shut his ass up – that should be a media-wide promise. Cranky jerknuts called “Wall-E”, “The Dark Knight”, and “Slumdog Millionaire” the worst movies of the year, because being the loudest voice in the “room” (internet) means having to say the dumbest shit too.
That is gross. The rest of the list is smug and annoying, but that excerpt above turned my stomach.
“CJ7 BETTER THAN Wall-E Stephen Chow endowed a poor kid?s action figure with numinous potential (a tribute to the still-extraordinary E.T.), while Pixar twisted its standard formula into ugly, end-ofhistory cynicism.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My friends and I rented CJ7 because there was absolutely nothing good to rent at Blockbuster so we decided to get the most ridiculous-looking new releases and drunk-watch them. CJ7 was basically if you put Kung-Fu Hustle, Gremlins, and Flubber all together. It was cute and endearing in a weird way, but better than Wall-E?
This list really isn’t an elaborate joke?
You know what piece of museum-worthy inanity got lost in the post-election hubbub? Armond White’s essay about how the C. Thomas Howell flick Soul Man paved the way for Obama’s ascent.
It’s really long and makes lots of no sense.
That list is like my freshman year of college threw up on itself. Let’s stop legitimizing Armond White by using words like “critic”. Does he have friends? Because they’re not doing their job. Where I come from, friends are supposed to intercept before you become an insufferable asshole.
its got a kinda ring to it, i guess
Remember the neologism “assoholic”? Immediately came to mind.
He is a person who is paid money to put words on things?!!!
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull BETTER THAN Iron Man
List’s credibility officially nixed.
Armound White is a god damned wackjob.
Back when I’d be so desperate for anything to read on the train I’d grab the NY Press, I’d always be curious to see what Armond White’s review of a movie was and then take the exact opposite of his advice. If he liked a movie, I knew it was probably crap and if he hated a movie I knew I’d most likely love it. Thanks for all the inadvertent good advice Armond!
“The atrocious Slumdog Millionaire and Pixar?s hideous Wall-E, the buzz-kill movie of all time. Trust no critic who endorses them.”
fuck this guy, did he even watch wall-e? I also remember his terrible dark knight review which was pretty much “it’s dark and depressing, therefore it is bad”
Can we get a nomination for this guy as “the worst”? Just check out his obviously self-edited wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armond_White
Oh I see. He has an absolute boner for Wes Anderson and named The Darjeeling Limited as the best movie of 2007.
It all makes perfect sense now.
Twilight BETTER THAN Let the Right One In
Transporter 3 BETTER THAN The Dark Knight
Rocknrolla BETTER THAN Slumdog Millionaire
Also you guys, The Godfather, Casablanca, and Citizen Kane are all cinematic crap. We should replace them on the AFI’s 100 Best List with Kangaroo Jack and The Lake House.
I really hate Armond White, but mostly I hate NY Press. Worst fucking free newspaper.
i am so horny for an abortion right now. the worst thing about abortions is you always want another one two hours later.
To be fair, at least it insults the terrible 4 Months film, even if he does seem to have missed the point. Then again, Happy Go Lucky was equally terrible.
Armond White is famously contrarian. While the idea of abortionhorniness is the most end-of-times condition I can imagine, it’s really just the tip of the Armond-insanity iceberg. Check out his review of Norbit or the Soul Man essay from a month or 2 ago. Or any of the Better-than lists from the last few years.
No, get it? Cuz in “4 months” the black market abortionist demands sex from the sad pregnant lady and her friend as his fee for performing the illegal abortion? Horny for abortions? Get it??? A pretty remarkable coinage for the lexicon of casually misogynistic adjectives. So doucheflippant.
Abortionhorny is totally the name of my new band. Wow.
“Abortionhorny” is a far greater word than all of those other words around it. I’ve never heard of this guy, but jesus fucking christ…
WALL-E = “ugly, end-of-history cynicism”
Let the Right One In = “dismal Scandinavian J-horror rip-off”
Did he actually watch any of these movies? Or just the trailers? He doesn’t actually seem to explain why he thinks these movies are good or bad, he just uses lots of witty, soundbite phrasing and hopes that you don’t notice that he’s not actually saying anything.
also Happy Go Lucky happy-go-sucked.
happy-go-truth.
Hi videogum! I actually just started a blog with some friends, in which we tear apart bad movie reviews. I just wrote an entry about Armond’s Better-Than list a couple days ago, right here: http://firelisaschwarzbaum.blogspot.com/2009/01/armond-white-hates-you.html
I’m feeling advertisinghorny right now, I guess.
RockNRolla better than Slumdog Millionaire? He accuses Slumdog of insulting one’s intelligence when that’s all Guy Ritchie ever does now, like how we’re suddenly supposed to take these cardboard cut-outs seriously halfway through the picture.
He’s an idiot. End of story.
it means they are horny for abortions.
failarticle has failed
Considering his unforgivable panning of Wall-E, I half expected:
Disaster Movie BETTER THAN Wall-E:
Pixar delves into politics and ruins their formula, leaving Disaster Movie to carry the mantle of blissful escapism.
Considering his review of Norbit (which makes it seem like the greatest satirical movie/criticism piece ever), I wouldn’t be surprised if he did do that.
HALOLHA! I don’t always agree with Armond White, but I like the fact that he has wild ass ideas that get people angry. That was kind of the New York Press thing for a second there – Adam Heimlich, Armond, and Jim Knipfel and few others…
And get ready for the blast – Armond White did not make up the word Abortionhorny.
A female friend and writer did, along with a few other words to describe irresponsible but fucking RAH RAH sex.
Oh, my, what a nutcup. Here’s a great interview of Mr. White that illustrates how out of it he truly is (nice picture of him, by the way, too). Here’s a small excerpt to satiate anyone debating whether or not to read the full interview:
Filmmaker: Wes Anderson?
White: I think I like his sensibility. I love that he works in wide-screen. I love him for that. That?s the format I prefer. I?m always excited to see wide-screen films. It just seems to make it a little more special. The image is big and embracing. And he?s got good craft and sense of humor. He seems to care about people and the image too.
Wait, you mean most (meaning virtually all) feature films aren’t shot in widescreen these days? Huh.
Oops, here’s the link:
http://www.filmmakermagazine.com/winter2004/features/the_critic.php