Talk about burying the lead! On last night’s interminable 2-hour premiere of The Bachelor (no reality show should ever be 2 hours), all of the usual things happened: drunk bitches alternately displayed their craziest habits (one lady’s “vision board” of magazine clippings, lots of ladies telling Jason they’re “ready to have kids right now!”). The one deviation from the now-tedious Bachelor-franchise premiere norm was a special contest where the women got to “vote off” their least favorite fellow bachelorette, which was, of course, a trick, and that woman got a rose instead, which she accepted with Jackie Kennedy-esque grace: tottering up to Chris Harrison, snatching the rose from his hand, and turning to her fellow ladies and sneering “ASSHOLES!” It was all pretty blah, even with the controversy of this particular Bachelor’s use of his young son as a prop. But then, after the show was over, ABC launched into a 3-minute season preview, and then we found out what the real desperate gimmick of this particular season is. Spoiler alert: it’s not the kid:

GUESS WHO’S BACK? (And also don’t miss Jason’s “breakdown” at 2:44):

Remember when Deanna and Jesse, the guy she actually picked over Jason, broke up back in November and he put up this video on their site announcing the breakup and I called it “fake-looking”? Now we know he had a gun to his head. Nostrafuckingdamus, right here. If only this power could be used for something anyone, even I, gave a shit about.

Coming up next week: if anything interesting happens it will be here.