The annual White House Christmas Video came out on Monday, and I’ve been avoiding it since then because it’s the annual White House Christmas Video. But I was wrong, and I apologize. This thing is fucking nuts.
President Bush: Where is my crack pipe? I know I left it around here somewhere.
Laura Bush: It doesn’t matter, George, I smoked all the crack in it already.
Barney: I run this bitch.
Barbara Bush: Crack doesn’t affect me, because I’m a robot!
Jenna Bush: I’m married!
Michael Phelps: Gold medals. Olympics. Swimming. Pancakes.
Barbara Bush: Oh look, Michael Phelps is a robot, too.
Michael Phelps: Olympics. China. Swimming. Gold Medals.
President Bush: Laura, I thought we agreed that whoever finished the crack was in charge of buying more crack.
Laura Bush: You’re right. I’m sorry dear. It’s just hard to remember things when you’re so consumed by the constant terror of having killed someone with your car.