It’s like Abraham Lincoln once said, “you can please some of the people all of the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please Verne Troyer.” And then he added “Eracism!” and that’s how the Civil War started.

I received this email yesterday:

from: Verne Troyer
to: gabe@videogum.com
date: Sun, Dec 14, 2008 at 6:46 AM
subject: You are unbeleivable

You are probably one of the cruelest people that have ever been allowed to write. The reason you write things on this page is because no one else would hire you except for this trash of a site. It’s unbelievable that people read this garbage.

You have no soul. If it would happen that you get hit by a bus and die, no one would care except the people that enjoy this garbage. Which your mother probably loves that her baby boy got such a great job writing on this F*%ked up site. I guess thats what we get from an irresponsible mother like yours. (I’m sure this probably didn’t offend you, being the type of person you are. But if it so happened that it did offend you, now you know how it feels.

Asshole.

Oh no! Verne Troyer is so mad at me!

What’s weird is that I actually went back through the Videogum “Verne Troyer” archives to see what I said that was so terrible that it shattered a movie star’s ego, and I can’t figure it out. Like, I take little digs (I’m not even going to say “are there any other kind of digs with this guy?” because that would lessen me), sure, but every single thing I’ve ever written about Verne Troyer includes some kind of carefully deliberative paragraph about how Verne Troyer is entitled to his grief over Heath Ledger’s death, even if I think that it’s inappropriate for him to be talking about it on MTV News, or how it’s offensive that people with dwarfism are used as comic relief, as Verne Troyer is in Mike Myers movies, even if Verne Troyer doesn’t recognize that it’s offensive. And when the Verne Troyer sex tape leaked earlier this year, who came to his defense? I DID. My point is that compared to the Seth MacFarlanes and Jay Mohrs of the world, I’ve given Verne Troyer the ROYAL TREATMENT.

Not to mention the fact that sending someone a private email telling them to get hit by a bus is way worse than anything I’ve ever written anywhere ever, and totally incommensurate with any perceived offense. And he talked about my mom! Not cool, Verne Troyer.

Although, he was right about one thing: being the type of person I am, this email didn’t offend me. That type of person, of course, being someone who is not easily insulted by insane empty threats sent via email by a C-list celebrity whose career is built around being mocked and exploited by Mike Myers, written after a late night of cocaine-and-Sparx-fueled self-Googling. I’m just an asshole that way, I guess.

In any event, I am taking this opportunity to announce that I now have a FEUD with Verne Troyer.

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Comments (39)
  1. He forgot to close his parenthesis! Don’t worry dude, you ALWAYS remember to close yours.

  2. “subject: You are unbeleivable”
    hahahahahaha. best part.

  3. epg  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 +7

    I don’t know what your school loans are like, but they must be worth it now.

  4. I got this same fucking email from him.

  5. Verne Troyer should actually be saying SORRY SO SORRY ILUSOMUCHKTHXBYE. Because no way in hell I’d defend that sorry sex tape.

  6. randi  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 0

    that is so obviously fake. if he actually had a problem it would be done through a lawyer like a normal decently-paid actor with a huge ego.

    • if it was fake, they went through the trouble of building up the username (as in username@domain.com from which it was sent) with photos of VT on various social networking-type sites. or maybe someone knew about that username and decided to prank us, which is always a possibility.

      • love not hate people get lives  |   Posted on Apr 13th, 2009 +1

        You people are pathetic…. why do you give a rats ass to know what Verne does or wants to do… none of your damn business… U have no life what so every to want to argue with Verne Troyer That is all you have to do… get a life….And yea is right know one would care if you got hit by a bus actually it would be funny might knock some sence into you…
        Have a wonderful day.. hope you get a life
        God Bless ….

  7. Gabe, you’re living the dream. Most people wish they could be in a feud with a Z-list celeb but you made it happen.

  8. Verne Troyer is so mean! :’( Well, on the bright side, not many people can say Verne Troyer hates them. :)

  9. did he type “F*%ked ” or did he say fucked and you censored him… cuz if he typed that he hits shift 85. which is weird considering his finger spacing.

  10. I would feel honored that Mr. Troyer even knows you exist Gabe, what with all the fancy parties in Hollywood and Monaco and…Cannes that he must constantly be attending. Real Talk though-Verne’s letter makes me sad. He’s probably being paid in handjobs to light firecrackers in some rich persons living room (a la Boogie Nights “Thats Cosmo, he’s Chinese.”). Give him a break-He prolly had a long night.

  11. Who the fuck is Verne Troyer?

  12. I think you nailed the retort. Verne Troyer has made a career out of making people laugh AT him. He does nothing. He was the most untalented of the car insurance “celebrities.” Do you remember that commercial? He couldn’t even play “a celebrity.” Oh man… Anyway, even if it’s fake, you should definitely feud with Real Verne Troyer. What’s he gonna do? Run up and punch you in the balls? I’d like to see that. Seriously, because that would be hilarious dwarf comedy of the highest order.

  13. Fatrick plump  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 0

    love the site and think the Verne troyer battle is hilarious, but will you please stop telling people what is and isn’t offensive? If he wants to be “exploited” then he should be allowed to without you judging him. Still, nice feud, bro.

  14. Suz tzu once said: Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

  15. You hurt his tiny feelings!

    Time for a gift basket full of mini-muffins.

  16. He should pick on someone his own size.

    HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOO

  17. Ira  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 +6

    He mentioned your mom and didn’t even bring up the This American Life episode where your mom calls you an asshole? That would have been much more effective. Poor research, Verne Troyer.

  18. It looks like he signed his letter “Asshole.”

  19. Maybe Verne Troyer is trying to start feuds. He didn’t address you personally at all in the email, so he could be sending this all around the internet.

  20. Selena  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 0

    Thanks for setting back Nelwyn/Dikini relations 1,000 years gabe. Now we’ll never have a Dikini High Aldrin! [ :-( ]

  21. Boo-hoo, im Verne Troyer and I’m a big bab-, oooh sorry.

  22. Even though it’s probably a matter of untranslated timezones, i like the fact that this email was sent at 6:46AM.
    As if he just woke up from some horrible nightmare where there were mini-Verne Troyers. Thousands of them. All with shaved heads and loop earrings but the face of Gabe. And they had all tied him down with little strings on the shore of a beach.
    And he woke up screaming, tangled desperately in his bedsheets once again, which are way too big for him yet he insists on having them because it gives him a semblance of normalcy.

  23. Rushed  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2008 -2

    Hahahahaha! I can’t event hink beyond laughing. Does this remind anyone else of that South Park episode with Cartman fighting the midget motivational speaker?

  24. I like to think that Verne Troyer’s favorite movie is Elizabethtown, and that’s what has made him so upset. Because someone who writes that email loves the Dunst.

  25. Mars  |   Posted on Dec 16th, 2008 -1

    I just have to respect his rage. Poor guy. I don’t know what you wrote or have been writing about him, but he does have a right to be pissed if it was mean. Who wouldn’t react? It’s only human, yea? Please grant him that much. Geez.

    • Selena  |   Posted on Dec 16th, 2008 0

      In all honesty everything I’ve read about Verne-dog on this site- hasn’t been mean… There’s been a little fun poked at him, but nothing CRAZY aweful or malicious. In fact, in several cases, I think the writer went out of his way to state that Verne Troyer is entitled to his “RAGE”.

      In my opinion he is acting very small, very small indeed and by bringing Gabes mom into this he made him look like the bigger man ;-)

  26. Oh Verne… This can’t be the reaction he wanted.

    Just write him an e-mail back and tell him that his words stung you and made you cry a little, Gabe.

  27. I just had to google Verne Troyer. And then realised he was the mini-me guy in the picture you supplied. And then I laughed. A lot. And then I felt immense pride for you, Gabe, because DUDE, you’re totally in a feud with a Z-lister. That is so cool. :D

  28. God DAMMIT! I tried to start a feud with Verne Troyer on my blog for like three years, and he never even left me a comment, let alone contacted me directly! Son of a bitch! And I said way meaner stuff. It’s like he didn’t even know I existed!

    Of course, my blog was primarily about the Seattle Mariners so I guess it’s possible he didn’t read it regularly enough.

  29. Smurf Face  |   Posted on Dec 17th, 2008 +2

    To be fair, you are an asshole.

  30. it could be another verne troyer, you know. like, a taller, regular one

  31. Gabe, your mom is cool, and I would be very sad if you got hit by a bus.

  32. I am late to this post, but I am EXPLODING with laughter over here.

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