Hi everyone, Heidi Montag here. Spencer wanted to be here today, but he was busy doing some stretching exercises so that he would one day be flexible enough to give himself blowjobs. ANYWAY, as you know, my lover, soulmate, and business partner, Spencer, and I recently eloped to Mexico to get el marriedad. The marriage is not legally binding, because even though I had my brain replaced with a bulbous sack of the finest silicone, even I know better than to actually tie myself down to that goat-faced tooth monster. The Hills has one more season left in it, at best, so as long as the producers don’t cave to the viewers’ requests and make Lauren, Audrina and I get together for a final toast of Dranotinis, I’ve got my future to “think” about. A future that does not involve that perpetual cloud of psycho darkness in a pink polo woven of sadness and DOOM. But that will just be our petit le secret.

In honor of our non-legally-binding union, Spence (I call him Spence. Beaucoup cute!) and I got a matching pair of really unique “wedding” rings, and I’m here to tell you how you too can honor your own special-out-of-necessity someone.

1. Take an old shoe or belt and cut two strips from it.
2. Wrap those strips around your ring fingers.
3. Make a makeshift clasp to hold the leather ring in place with something that you find in the garbage.
4. Le voila!

Now you can show the whole world that you don’t actually give a shit about that lucky him or her!

[image via TMZ]