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This week’s episode is all about “kino escalation” which is Mystery’s Dungeons and Dragons term for “touching girls.” The first thing he makes the boys do is tell him on national TV what their sexual experience consists of. This would seem incredibly embarrassing, except that as soon as they’re done sharing, Mystery invites two prostitutes into the living room, who ask the boys to make out with a mannequin in front of everyone to demonstrate their “technique.” So, actually, the sexual histories thing is the least of their embarrassments. And while it’s true that this isn’t as bad as in season 1 when the contestants had to show how they would kiss a woman by practicing on a peach, that’s like saying that Rush Hour 2 isn’t that racist because Rush Hour is more racist. They’re both fucking racist-ass Rush Hours.
SIDE NOTE: why did the mannequin have a black wig on? I like that this show as specific enough in its desire to have a mannequin with long dark hair, but also did not have enough money to actually get the right mannequin. Outsized dreams, this show. Always shooting for the stars and landing on the moon.
Anyway, as if sharing what we are constantly reminded is their “limited” sexual experience with the world, and then being asked to show the place on the doll where they would touch you were not embarrassing enough, next the boys go into a pitch black room filled with dirty clearance pillows from Target’s home décor section, and make out with Erin, the “professional sexologist.” Hahaha. Right. Professional Sexologist. She’s basically a scientist. Erin explains what a sexologist is by saying “I’m a sexologist, which means that I study sex.” True! She studies sex by having it with men for money. Because she is a prostitute. Seriously. She appeared on this show and allowed strangers to kiss her on camera for money. If you google “erin sexologist pick up artist” it will say “did you mean ‘prostitute’”?
Mystery introduces what the prize for winning this challenge will be.
Dramatic LOLmunk. What follows is 10 of the most excruciating minutes of television as each of the boys takes their turns slobbering on the saddest woman in the world. I feel bad for the woman who dressed up as a sexy nurse on last week’s episode, because if you’re going to go that far in your humiliating quest for fame, it would be nice to at least win some kind of honorary title, but instead she was immediately shunted from any kind of recognition by Doctor Erin, M.Deese Nuts. Also, gross:
This is the part of the show where we are treated to our classic Brianism:
Yes, Brian. Her FUR was all in her face. CORRECT.
Matt wins the competition, which means he will have the sweet whispers of Mystery in his ear when they hit the field. The goal in Phoenix’s hottest nightclub this week is to “kiss close,” which is Mystery’s Dungeons and Dragons term for “kiss a girl.” No one actually succeeds, even Matt despite having advice from Mystery like “roll your 10d and see if you defeat the Orc in order to rescue the maiden.” Although Rian manages to get some girls back to the “V.I.P.” section (which, to be fair, is about as impressive in terms of difficulty as getting the girls back to the New Releases section of a Blockbuster Video, but OK) so Rian wins. No wingmen this week. NO ONE IS SAFE. Todd is especially not safe, as he is eliminated. His problem before he went on the show was that girls thought he was gay, and his problem now that he’s left the show is that everyone thinks he’s gay.
Next week: Phoenix socialites (sure) bid on the boys at a charity auction. And they say that reality TV producers are forced to manipulate situations in order to get what they want for these shows. Pshhhh.
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Ugh, I spent the last 15 minutes of this episode last night carefully crafting my thesis on how if Dungeon’s & Dragons were a game about picking up girls it would be this show, because Mystery was clearly a huge dork who at one point merged his World of Warcraft and AdultFriendFinder accounts.
But you got to it first, Gabe. YOU WIN! I want a Gabe earbud to wear for when I watch TV.
mystery reminds me of eric, the lead vampire from true blood. except mystery is the lead douchebag.
So Mystery shared this week that he was actually a virgin until he was 21 (he really did). Then he discovered Hot Topic and became “The Slut Whisperer”.
I hope that lady knows everyone thinks (knows) she is a giant whore. Sexologist, my aunt Fanny.
kind of gross for the guy who got sloppy eighths with the scientist
this seems soooo wrong!
I find it hard to believe that MYSTERY is helping anyone… he, himself seems to need infinite amounts of help.
what IS this?
The real prize was syphilis and gonorrhea, because she was a strumpet.
What’s up with Mysteries pants?
Why are they all bunchy in the “crotchel” (not a word- but works) region?
I don’t want to look there- but I can’t help myself! Why all the bunches?
Is this part of Mystery’s Mystery?!
Even when he isn’t dressed like a Hot Topic/Spencer’s Clearence rack, he still -Fails!
It’s were he keeps his emergency 12 sided dice.
It’s a prosthetic camel-toe. It’s sending subliminal camel-toe signals to make all of the women watching want to remove their pants, or at least pull at their crotches. It’s all very scientific. Also, I’m pretty sure that scientist is the same one that I saw on HBO’s Cathouse, only I don’t remember her mentioning “science” or “studying” in reference to what she was doing on that show. I could be wrong…
Simeon assumed he had to take his shirt off to make out with the “sexologist.” That’s all kinds of creepy.
Oh, and did Todd say Mystery taught him HUMANITY? I’m hoping I misheard that.
As far as I know Mystery’s company makes millions. So dork or not, he’s obviously helping some people out there. Sexologist is a real profession and quite frankly I think it would be awesome to have that career. This episode was fucking hilarious.
That girl didn’t kiss anyone. It was a touch test. That doesn’t make her a prostitute. When Angelina Jolie does a sex scene does that make her a prostitute? No. It’s acting. It’s a job. Get over it.
does anyone know where i can get info and pictures of erin lindsey the sexologist. she is really hot.