Who suggested Driven? Who was it? SHOW YOURSELF! You should all be ashamed. Sure, we’re all having a good time talking about these terrible movies and oh ha ha, isn’t it funny how Gabe is such a jerk and he was to watch them and he’s so stupid and I hate him and wish he would fall down some stairs. But there’s a point where it’s not funny anymore, and that point is when we’re talking about Driven. To paraphrase Sarah Palin, there is a special place in hell for whoever made me watch this movie.

Driven is about a young race car driver, Jimmy Bly, who is supposed to be the best race car driver, but lately he’s been losing his edge, so Burt Reynolds calls up Sylvester Stallone and is like “I need you to be a race car driver some more,” and Sylvester Stallone is like “I am working on a race car in my barn, that’s how you know that I am a serious driver.” In their first race together on Team Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds uses Sylvester Stallone to get in the way of another driver, Beau Brandenburg, so that Jimmy Bly can win. Everyone is happy. Jimmy steals Beau’s girlfriend. But then Beau steals his girlfriend back and turns her into his wife. And then Jimmy Bly is bad at racing again and his brother who is also his manager is like “I’m selling you down the river,” and Burt Reynolds is like “We’re all selling you down the river, Jimmy Bly,” and it looks like things are over for Jimmy Bly. Meanwhile, Sylvester Stallone’s ex wife Gina Gershon is an asshole. In the final race Jimmy Bly gets one last chance to prove what he’s made of or else it’s down the river he goes, and at one point it looks like he’s going to lose, but then later he wins. Someone opens champagne.

To answer your question, yes, Burt Reynolds is in a wheelchair for no reason.

There are two things keeping this wretched piece of gasoline-scented nonsense from conclusively winning the title of Worst Movie of All Time:

1. It lacks the failed ambition that I think is the true Hallmark of the most terrible movie. A bad action movie is a bad action movie is a bad action movie. If you’re dealing in superficials, then your mistakes are superficial. Granted, Driven is filled with some UNBEARABLE MISTAKES. But more importantly…

2. It’s not really a movie.

Driven is not a movie. It’s almost two hours long, it has movie stars in it, and you watch it on DVD, but it’s not a movie. I don’t know what it is, I only know what it is not. Take, for example, this clip. Yes, it is long, but eight minutes is a small trade off for the other 108 you’re saiving.

Now, did you notice how that was FUCKING AWFUL? But if you’ll look a little closer, you’ll notice a couple of other things. For one, the music NEVER STOPS. The whole movie, there is always music playing, and it’s always a little too loud. You have to strain to hear every word of dialogue. Well, you don’t have to, I guess. You could sit back and just enjoy the great jams. (You could not sit back and just enjoy the great jams.) It is also of note that all of the race car drivers except for Jimmy Bly and Sylvester Stallone are gay German porn actors. Admittedly, I’m not a racing fan, so maybe that’s accurate. Perhaps everyone in NASCAR is a gay German porn actor. There’s simply no way for us to know whether or not that’s true.

Perhaps my favorite part of the whole whatever-Driven-is-because-it’s-not-a-movie was the dramatic final race. Jimmy Bly has one final chance to show that he has what it takes to be the best in the world. For a little while, he’s doing well, but he starts to have a flame out near the end of the race, which is when his one true friend, Sylvester Stallone, comes to save him. He drives with what were are told is the greatest skills, and eventually damages his car but not before buying Jimmy Bly enough time to pull into the lead. Kind of. Actually, him and the gay German porn racer are neck and neck, and Jimmy wins by a photo finish.

That’s how we know he’s a true champion. Because only a true champion has to have his friend come in and bail him out and even still only barely wins. Behind every legendary hero there is a story of constant, anti-climactic near failure. Although I was probably unimpressed with his tremendous victory only because I’d already seen him succeed when it came time for the dramatic 10 hops.

Dramatic hops! Can he get to 10? Sylvester Stallone is like “See? See those hops? Now what.”

This movie was unacceptable. It is definitely the winner of the Hunt for the Worst Sports-Based Action Movie and Maybe Just Action Movie of All Time, and solidly in the top 5 of our general search. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

Next week: Spanglish. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (47)
  1. Sailor Jerry  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 +1

    Gabe-
    It was me, I’ll go to my special place in hell if you race me there in a Formula One car on city streets while narrowingly missing civilians. I don’t have enough neurons in my brain to make an argument that Driven is in fact a movie. I disagree with the first point about lacking ambition, Sly Stallone wrote the screenplay. It was an attempt to escape movie jail for Rambo 3, Rocky 5, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot and god knows what else…

  2. Chadams  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    I also suggested it (perhaps I suggested it with more suggestion). And you’re welcome. (Insert Ultimate Fighter quote of choice that translates to having “asked for it”.)

    • Chadams  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

      I’m surprised that the scene where Sly tries to say something profound about love to one of the German gay porn stars early on in the movie didn’t make the clip reel, let alone get a mention.

  3. LOL DOES CARS

  4. Please I beg of you, like Jim Cramer begs the American public, please, please do Lost In Space. I know this will be the winner. They fly through the god damn sun!

    IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120738/

  5. was the line burt reynolds delivered immediately before the hopping “show me ONE THING this kid can do I can’t”?

    maybe it’s the way the chase is shot, but the whole long marriage proposal/chase scene manages to make chicago feel about as lived-in and realistic as the mushroom kingdom in the super mario brothers movie.

  6. Why did Rocky make him do 10 hops? Does he have to prove he has the same basic control over his body as most first graders?

    PS: Dead Silence. Worst (attempted) horror movie ever.

  7. Mandy  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    o my god that clip. the music in the dramatic proposal scene made no sense at all. the amazingly awful acting on everyones part. are german pornstars and german pornstar lovers cyborgs incapable of expressing human emotions? is this movie secretly about cyborgs taking over the earth through NASCAR? because it can’t possibly just be about Jimmy and Sylvester Stallone.

  8. not sure if “the grudge” is considered a movie, cause all it was about is hair & this odd burping sound. but that HAS to be one of the worst movies ever.

    also i think from this clip that this is an extremely long episode of gossip girl with non rich people, mixed with one tree hill mixed with the oc mixed with racing. therefore it’s a bad dramatic sitcom. esp during the jimmy interview proposal part with that music. ugh THAT MUSIC. and UGH WHY IS WILSON FROM HOUSE IN THIS MOVIE?!!? also i like that they raced so fast they broke glass. ugh.

  9. alaska  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    Wow, that’s utterly terrible.

    For the love of God, watch Batman and Robin. It is at least ten times worse than you remember.

  10. Dan  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    wow. this movie actually is terrible.
    nice job, i thought you guys were slipping a little

  11. The dude  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 -13

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  12. kelly  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    haha, i suggested it too. seriously, the worst movie of all time.

  13. Joe  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    you seriously need to do The Hot Chick. I know Rob Schneider isn’t an actual movie star/person, but it has to be the least funny comedy ever. Also, start paying closer attention to Frank Caliendo, his FrankTV spots are the worst things.

  14. caringiscool  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 +1

    me and one other person voted for ‘miami vice’ and i think it should be considered for a viewing, gabe.
    1) jaime fox and colin ferrell are Big Time Stars.
    2) it was directed by michael mann, who is a solid director, but who seriously drowned in an ocean of hubris on this one.
    3) guys, it’s sad-bad, not funny-bad. it’s boring-, confusing-, uncomfortable-bad, which is so much worse than laugh-out-loud-bad. and it’s LONG.
    4) it’s so obvious that jaime foxx and colin ferrell loathe each other – it’s like you can see little squiggly hate-lines rising off of them.
    PLEASE.
    PLEASE.

    • zingers  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 +1

      I concur! Definitely one of the absolute worst movies of all time. It was so bad. So bad! And so long… And so bad!

  15. I was about one minute into the clip when I thought – wow this is a long eight minutes.

    horrible. the whole thing sounded like a cold read. ugh.

  16. Katiek  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 0

    Batman and Robin, oh please! “You’re not sending ME to da coolah!”

  17. spanglish?? that movie was wonderful

  18. ROLLERBALL! Pretty much anything with that douchebag from American Pie. Also, American Pie. But more importantly, Rollerball is fucking miserable.

  19. Alex  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 0

    Said it before, but TWMOAT is a toss up between The Sweetest Thing (ugh!) and Dungeons & Dragons (ugh!). You should review both of those. Be careful, though. You may want to kill yourself.

  20. I bet Burt Reynolds was in a wheelchair because he didn’t want to do this movie and the producers were like “How about if you sit through all your scenes?”

    I also like that this was Estella Warren’s one chance to go from model to actress and it completely tanked. Sorry, Lips.

  21. did that guy just say “jimmy, don’t blow this… not over her. jimmy, this is not eighth grade prom”

    “eighth grade prom”???

    that’s not even a thing, is it?

  22. bizzo  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 0

    Bracket 3 must include:

    In The Name Of The King – not even worthy of being called a LOTR wanna be
    Shoot ‘Em Up – grab a couple of forks to stab your eyes out
    The Black Dahlia – I dare you to watch this, I dare you…

  23. A top ten contender just came out in theaters this month: Miracle at St. Anna

  24. Steve Sanders  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 0

    I’m gonna cry if you don’t watch Masters of the Universe. It is the best.

  25. I liked Shoot ‘Em Up, so disregard bizzo’s comment. That being said, Man Of The Year is the worst movie I’ve ever seen in a theater. And The House Bunny made me want to vomit. A lot.

  26. Ben Suitt  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 0

    Again, I’d really like to nominate AI: Artificial Intelligence. As much as I’d hate for anyone to suffer through that piece of crap, I’d really like to see you tear it apart.

  27. Luda  |   Posted on Oct 8th, 2008 -1

    WATCH tremors, driven is no a bad movie at all

  28. Katie  |   Posted on Oct 8th, 2008 -1

    Seriously, guys, Water World.

  29. i’ve said it before, but i’ll say it to the end of days: flakes. hipster drivel in motion.

  30. I nominate that movie with Taye Diggs, Famke, Ali Larter, Corky Romano, and some others. It was a ‘horror’ movie. Help me out. Don’t act like I was the only one who saw it.

    • It was House on Haunted Hill. And it was very bad. I love how Chris Kattan’s ghost comes back at the end of the movie just in time to open a window for Taye Diggs to escape. Wha?

      And try Diary of the Dead. I love zombie movies, but damn this sinks to terrible new lows.

  31. oh shit.

    i’ve never seen this, but it looks amazing…

    i MUST MUST MUST nominate ‘The Marine’… the music was MUCH worse. the acting was illogical (lots of eyebrow acting!).

    the cast was a grab bag of q-list celebs… oh yea. it was produced by the wwe and starred John Cena (aka the crimson chin).

    it was…. a spectacle.

  32. Liam  |   Posted on Oct 9th, 2008 0

    i concur with the people calling for “Batman & Robin”. i know it seems like an obvious choice, but i watched the first ten minutes on like, TBS or something recently, and it’s SO. MUCH. WORSE. than you remember. arnold’s very first line in the movie: “ZE ICEMAN COMETH!” and then batman and robin click their heals together and their bat shoes turn into bat ice skates and they fight arnold’s henchmen who are dressed AS HOCKEY PLAYERS WITH HOCKEY STICKS AND EVERYTHING and i die a bit inside. seriously, this movie has only gotten worse with age. so so so much worse.

  33. Liam  |   Posted on Oct 9th, 2008 0

    oh i would also like to nominate REGARDING HENRY. harrison ford, annette bening, mike nicholls, and j.j. abrams. its basically the “i am sam” of the 1980′s. so basically “i am sam” with yuppies. so basically the worst movie of all time.

    seriously, REGARDING HENRY. seriously.

  34. You should look at Deadfall. It’s got Michael Biehn, Nicolas Cage, James Coburn, Charlie Sheen and Peter Fonda. it’s one of the cheapest looking things I’ve ever seen. If I remember correctly, it looks like most of it was shot on a single warehouse soundstage. ANd the acting, so flat! They were obviously trying to make a serious noir, only Cage didn’t get the memo. Plus it was directed by his brother, so the whole thing is clearly the result of a bunch of called in favors. Oh, and also, Vulgar, that horrendous clown rape thing with Dante from Clerks, should definitely be on the list.

  35. Good pick for the worst movie, I should warn you however there are worse. Never let Moms go to the movie store to pick out movies. Check out “Belzar the Cajun.” My brother and I have used the title of this film as a synonym for bad movie for the last 15 years.

  36. julie  |   Posted on Jan 5th, 2009 0

    OK. So, they are in Chicago, the WIndy City, right? So what this movie means to tell me is that newspaper stand dudes who work in the WINDY CITY don’t have anything to hold their hundreds of papers down?

  37. A. Shamed  |   Posted on Jan 22nd, 2009 0

    I only know this because I’ve watched Talladega Nights one too many times but the masterpiece described above isn’t about NASCAR drivers; its about some other kind with a different kind of car. I quibble. I know. The movie still sucked ass.

  38. Kevin Higgins  |   Posted on Mar 3rd, 2009 0

    Please review Romeo + Juliet the Leonardo Dicaprio version and the Billy Bob Thornton version of Bad News Bears! Could you also review the animated King and I perhaps?

  39. Liamh  |   Posted on Mar 3rd, 2009 0

    Could you please review the Leonardo Dicaprio version of Romeo + Juliet or possibly the Billy Bob Thornton version of Bad News Bears? Could you also review the animated King and I?

  40. star  |   Posted on Mar 4th, 2009 +1

    The music is how you know it’s *KOOL*!

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