Fringe KILLED IT again last night with the opening, and then kind of dissolved into an unstable puddle of exhausting ideas and half-thought-out premises. That’s basically how this show operates. It builds you up, only to tear you back down. BUT WHAT A BUILD UP. There was a bus, and a gas attack that turned into a solid gel, trapping everyone inside “like bugs caught in amber,” and there was a dirty psychic, like literally dirty, he had dirt on him, and he was psychic. Then it was all “Walter’s crazy this,” and “Massive Dynamic controls the world but we have no idea how subplot” that. Why is Fringe so good at the first five minutes of Fringe, and so bad at the rest of Fringe?

Speaking of Massive Dynamic, it follows, of course, that a fictional megacorporation that surreptitiously controls geopolitics (fictionally) and is also deeply entwined with a global phenomenon of paranormal attacks called “the pattern” should have a flash-based website for users to explore the world of the show. And they do.

The Massive Dynamic website is a lot like the show. Plodding and not quite what you wish it was. It’s got boilerplate sections like “Biological and Medical” and “Energy and Environment” and “I’m Bored and Who Cares.” The news section is “clever” because they link to actual science news stories, blending the narrative world with our own. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake anymore! Just kidding, I totally still know!

But quite obviously, my favorite section of the Massive Dynamic Website, as is the case with all “viral marketing” dummy websites created to enrich the narrative universe of a show or movie, is the careers page. And on this particular viral marketing dummy website created to enrich the narrative universe of a show’s careers page, my favorite listing is for Kitchen Operations Staff:

Responsibilities: Manage preparation and delivery of high-quality, nutritious food for MD employees.
You will:

• Prepare breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner, and snacks for MD employees.
• Support management team and work with other nutrition staff to deliver “Best in Class” service standards with gourmet quality meals.
• Implement performance-enhancement and health-monitoring initiatives.
• Communicate successes and failures effectively with Senior Management while making recommendations for continuous improvement on MD menu.

Qualifications:

• High School diploma or equivalent
• Minimum 3 years experience in multi-unit, high-volume, quality chain or independent restaurant.
• Minimum 1 year experience with Microsoft Office and POS systems.

Haha. OK, viral marketing dummy website copywriters. You got me. But now that you’ve had your fun (in this instance, “fun” is defined as “working the word ‘linner’ into the narrative universe of the show”) how about talking to the people who write the actual show about making it not be so sloppy.