A woman has the Jesus statue in her yard stolen by professional criminals.

(via Via Gina)

That woman is such a good detective. It’s obviously done by a child because of the lines drawn around the name Jesus. If it weren’t for that we might be dealing with some hardened criminals from JAIIL. Jail prisoners, of course, don’t draw lines around the name Jesus because they’re all Islams. EVERYTHING ABOUT THE LETTER.

On the one hand, I really don’t understand how not a single person in the news media has ever turned to their producer and said “You know what, why don’t we NOT do this ridiculous story that makes us look like clowns.” And on the other hand, I’m so so glad that they haven’t, because wonders like this must never cease. “Clean up all the wiener poopie if you want to see Jesus unharmed” is the new “I am the cat and I am here to steal.”

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that this video is not only old, which I knew already, but that it is insanely old and that everyone has already seen it and their mom has already forwarded it to them, THEIR MOM if you can believe it. Well, neither Lindsay or I had seen it before, so either fire us from the internet, or watch it again and be satisfied that it’s still so hilarious.