I haven’t seen any of the High School Musical movies because I’m 47-years-old and I, like most Americans, oppose torture. I also don’t play dance revolution games for similar reasons (I am 102 years old, and I oppose clowns and the appearance of being a clown). So you can imagine that I simply have no idea what to make of this.

I sincerely cannot wait until I can sit on the porch with a shotgun yelling at teenagers to stop playing stickball (you know, teenager stuff) so close to my property and complaining to a bedraggled wife about the ache in my bones from the approaching rain and no one will be able to say shit to me because I will be a billion years old and I will have earned this tiny right (also see: shotgun). Of course, by then Presidents Zack and Cody will have made it a federal offense to be over the age of 25 and the Doritos Army will disconnect the arc reactor from my one bedroom submersible and I’ll sink, angry and confused, to the bottom of the Brooklyn Sea.