As we know, the Christian the Lion video is the only thing that can melt my stone heart. It is so cute, you guys. I don’t understand why no one is talking about how cute it is. Did you know that even though it’s been featured on every blog and most morning talk shows, the video still only has 14 views on YouTube? Weird. Anyway, there is one thing about the Christian the Lion video that seriously no one is talking about, which is the complicated emotion right before the lion jumps into the men’s arms and lionhugs them when you are a little nervous, and maybe a little hopeful, that it will turn out another way. God’s way. SPOILER ALERT God’s way is never heartwarming.

OK! And yet, AND YET, we still do not have a Christian the Lion video in which John Rendall and Ace Bourke have their faces torn off as they’re driven to the ground and mauled to death, their lifeless bodies dragged for five miles over the rocky terrain to a copse of tall grasses to be devoured by an angry pride. You’ve had months, internet, MONTHS.