In what NY Mag’s Vulture calls “The greatest book deal in the history of the universe”, Dustin “Screech” Diamond has sold a tell-all memoir about his Saved By The Bell days:

Behind the Bell, which Gotham Books preempted from Objective Entertainment’s Jarred Weisfeld, promises to detail “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying,”

But wait a second, wouldn’t common sense dictate that a guy who has already sold t-shirts and made a sex tape called “Saved By The Smell” in the desperate attempt to pay off his apparently massive debts probably hasn’t been sitting on the material for a juicy tell-all about a beloved TV show all this time? Let’s just pray Screech has been holding back out of loyalty or ghostwriter-choosiness, and not a lack of Tiffani Amber Thiessen speedball-fueled sexcapade anecdotes.