Italian Spider-Man, guys:

More here. You have to admit that Italy is getting it right. Fuck the magic and the nuclear spiders and the web-slinging and the nerds-wish-fullfilment. Give a guy a tight shirt, a fake mustache, and a machine gun and he will get the job done. Not that he doesn’t have any superpowers. He has the power to flop his sloppy mannequin body off a roof and onto a motorcycle, which he got when a radioactive window display convinced him to buy an outfit. It’s like Stan Lee wrote: “With great shotgun comes great THAT GUY’S HEAD JUST EXPLODED INTO SNAKES.” Tobey McGuire shit his pants and fired his agent this weekend. He was like “I’m the worst actor, it turns out.” BONESAW.

Italian Spider-Man, you guys. The internet just imploded and we all get to go home.